batchel9

My husband goes long periods of time between drinking. Like has gone up to a year. Recently he slipped a few times in a row, still they were about a month apart each.

I am really friggen good at knowing when he is drinking at this point. How he acts, speaks, looks, etc. So I am pretty confident that he is going these extended periods.

I just have a hard time relating to some of these other scenarios in which people drink everyday or weekly even. Since he goes so long, it doesn't seem like he has the habitual aspect of it or the chemical dependency part (needing it and going through withdraws).

I don't understand it. And I don't know what to encourage him to do to help stop it. He explains it as getting random, sudden impulses to just drink and he can rationalize it and does it. Not premeditated.

Anyone have experience with this?? Really would love others suggestions. I'm at a loss.

SparkleKitty

It sounds to me like your husband is (currently) a binge drinker.

When it comes to alcoholism, which is a progressive condition, the quantity and frequency of drinking is not as telling as the compulsion. If he can't stop once he starts he has an issue with alcohol and if he fails to address it, it will get worse over time.

However, all of this is His Business. He may not see his frequency or amount of drinking as a problem that needs to be addressed. My question is, do YOU have a problem with it, and if so, what do YOU want to do about it?

biminiblue

What is your actual concern?

Is this creating financial or practical problems? Is he abusive? Does he disappear for days on end? Does he become belligerent or do damage to your home or other relationships?

I mean - lots of people drink. It isn't necessarily a problem that is urgently in need of a "fix." Of course if you just don't like it that is reason enough for you to be here and to try to address it with him. Has he always had this level/frequency of drinking? What are you asking, exactly?

I'm not even sure this qualifies as binge drinking. A few drinks every couple months (unless it's impacting some part of his life) is not necessarily cause for concern.

batchel9

Sorry, I didn't provide a lot of detail because I didn't want to make my question super complicated but it looks like I did anyways!

About 5 years ago he drank very heavily, very regularly. That is when he first seemed to realize it was a problem and took steps to sober up. I would say in the most recent 5 years, the best he has gotten is to stay sober several months at a time with occasional binges.

His occasional drinking is not typical drinking. It is "slam hard liquor at 9am at inappropriate places" (i.e.- lunch at work, before driving, etc) kind of drinking.

I am not ok with this. And I do not want to live with this. The anxiety around wondering when/where he will drink it too much for me. Because it is so infrequent it is hard to know when the steps he is taking towards total sobriety are working or a total failure.

I do also worry about leaving and it getting worse . I do think that I help him avoid/get out of crappy situations in which could cause him to drink or in which he did drink. I just can't carry the weight anymore. I'm hanging by a thread

SparkleKitty

Oh, my friend, that is not your weight to carry. You do not have to live any way you don't want to. And it may well be that your "helping" him avoid consequences is the thing that keeps him from taking his recovery seriously.

batchel9

So my actual questions are.....

1. Why is it that he can live most days without an issue and then all of a sudden snap? I simply do not understand this.
2. Is there anything particular that can help people with these types of issues??

Any other input/suggestions welcome.

honeypig

So if you knew the answers to those questions, batchel, do you think you'd then explain it all to him and he'd change?

Does he WANT help? Is HE looking for help? Or is it only YOU, looking for help FOR him?

Can I suggest re-reading your introductory post here? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...band-help.html

and then your next thread was about how to handle a divorce w/small children involved.

And now you've circled back to "how do I help him/change him?", probably b/c he is being "perfect", as you said in your first post.

Would it be accurate to say that this is a cycle that has been repeated many times? I imagine you're getting tired of it, or you wouldn't be here now...

biminiblue

Oh, yeah - that's not good.

I went back and read some of your other posts and the same insights still apply that others have already given...you can't control it. He's not ready to quit. He may not ever be. You say you don't want to live like this and I don't blame you AND you don't have to.

What happens with his behavior and drinking is going to happen. The only question is how long do you want to be a spectator? And I agree with honeypig - many people sober up for good when they are faced with divorce.

But many don't.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism in a progressive disease. In the beginning alcoholics are rarely daily drunks, it's intermittent but consumption increases over time. I define myself as an alcoholic because I can not drink, but once I pick up a drink I can't stop.

I recommend Alanon, a wonderful program that taught me to take the focus off the alcoholic and deal with my own issues. And that I'm powerless over people, places and things.

SparkleKitty

If you understood, could you accept it? Because that's the question right now. Of course there is help out there for anyone who wants to put alcohol in their past, regardless of the frequency of use, but is your husband one of those people?

It's natural to want to understand addiction, but it can also be a way of avoiding accepting that our loved one is engaging in behaviors that we can't live with. Like, maybe if we understand it we can fix it -- but that's an illusion. Only they can fix it.

biminiblue

I am one who doesn't control alcohol - it controlled me and I finally gave it up. I had to make that decision for myself. I didn't have any huge event that made me quit, I was just sick of the whole thing. I was able to go long periods without it but I wasn't 100% sure I could quit at one or two - and that uncertainty was really too much for me to live with. I didn't drink every day. I didn't drink huge quantities all the time, but I could and I did sometimes. It's different for different drinkers. Don't try to figure it out, lol. We can't really even figure it out.

If he finds himself alone it may be enough. It may not be. You have no guarantees here.

biminiblue

hp, you and I are mind-melding.

batchel9

Yes, this is probably a cycle for me. You guys have hit the nail on the head, he is still being perfect (which include not drinking....he hasn't drank since January sometime) so I struggle what to do and with when is what he is doing not enough vs when is it?? Is he really not trying since he is 2 months alcohol free?

I don't think he is trying hard enough to build the foundation for long term success. However when I talk to him about this I get the "I already know all of the tools, I just stopped using them and now I am using them again and not drinking. So what is the problem?" Meanwhile I am in counseling, on this board, reading books, etc. I feel like he should be doing this stuff. But maybe what I need to deal with his alcohol isn't what he needs to deal with his alcohol?

biminiblue

That's right, batchel.

This is his battle. Your battle is to stay out of it. Stay on your side of the street. As they say, more will be revealed.

One thing about alcoholics - they reallllllllllllllly dislike people telling them what to do and how to do it. Sounds like you have some of that going on. The more you focus on your own addiction to fixing and worrying, the better it will be.

*edit to say... maybe most people don't particularly like being manipulated and controlled. I don't know. I know we drinkers are really sensitive, though. That gets better with sobriety too - at least it should.

SparkleKitty

YOU don't need to deal with his alcohol. You need to decide if this relationship, with all of its uncertainty around his addiction, is what you want. Since none of us can predict the future, all we can do is ask ourselves if we can accept our partner as they are right now. If that is enough for us, or is it better that we let go and allow each person to pursue a more fulfilling relationship.

Right now, you are giving him all the power to determine your future. What do you need to see from him to feel better about moving forward? Do you see it ? What if this is as good as things get? Is this enough for you?

batchel9

I think part of my problem is that I don't know what "staying out of it" looks like. Is that me staying with him and just ignoring any actions pertaining to alcohol / recovery completely? Me moving out and staying in touch with him but not obviously being involved in his daily life? Me moving out, cutting ties, and moving on completely? I'm not expecting you guys to answer, just talking out loud.

I think through counseling I am realizing I cannot stay and ignore it completely. I may be able to detach myself in action, but not emotionally. And I can't go on in life with him like everything is ok. Because it's not to me. I'm living in a state of just waiting for the other foot to fall and this happening again. I'm coming to te realization that I probably need to leave him, and it sucks.

SparkleKitty

It means making the best choice for yourself, not for him or based on what he is or isn't going to do.

biminiblue

It does suck. I know.

honeypig

This is exactly it, batchel--he KNOWS the tools, and he uses them when it suits him, when he feels like using them--when he needs to use them in order to let things calm down after a binge, to make sure his "soft landing spot" remains there for him. He gives you juuuuust enough to keep you around, right? He has his binge, then he sobers up to placate you. Then he drinks again, then he placates you again...

It is indeed a cycle, or a merry-go-round, and it will start to turn faster and faster and faster as time goes by. Have you read this, from the stickies at the top of the page? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

Yep, that is hitting the nail on the head, and it's a pretty clear indication of who is sincerely interested in his sobriety and who is not. The sad thing is that the one who IS interested and IS doing the work is NOT the one whose efforts will get him sober. Those efforts, however, can go a long way towards your own recovery, and that is where they should be focused.

Please don't make the mistake of looking for all the ways your AH is "not like the others." Google "terminal uniqueness" to find out the flaws of this way of thinking. Trust me, he is NOT a special snowflake as regards his addiction.

Westexy

Lots of good advice above. I'm only posting to add that you sound just like I did many years ago. I've been with my AH for 24 years, married for 20. When we met AH didn't drink at all for a long time and I thought that was wonderful. I wish I would have realized that he wasn't a drinker at the time because he had already experienced issues with drinking. Eventually, he started binge drinking. Some years, once or twice a year. Some years, more. One really rough year of drinking a lot about three days a week, then he got on medication for a mental issue and he wasn't drinking at all again for a long time. When his mom died, all hell broke loose and he became, over four to five years, an alcoholic who was drinking daily starting in the morning, verbally abusing me where that had NEVER been a part of our relationship or his relationship with anyone else, and becoming physically threatening (slamming doors, breaking things, throwing things "toward" me - again when he had NEVER been violent towards anyone or anything other than a golf club in his entire life). This is probably your future. I knew nothing of the progressive nature of alcohol abuse until I found SR but it's a real thing. I can testify to that.