Hummer

Well,

Approx 3 weeks ago I felt certain that I wanted to end my marriage (we split after the shenanigans at new year).

To keep this short, I sent him correspondence saying I could not consider a reconciliation and that I wanted to pursue legal separation etc.
Mentioned to him that I was aware of infidelity on his part during our almost 5 year marriage. Did not state that his daughter had told me anything.

He denied it, said if I was referring to 'x' incident then he had his side of the story and swore on his children's lives that he had never so much as 'kissed or touched another woman whilst married to me' .
I asked him not to continue with the begging and to please accept my decision as mind made up and not going to change it. This was over the course of fri/sat. Then on the Sunday he posted a strange comment on Facebook and sent me a suicde note (email). I didn't receive said email until around 6pm on the Sunday. I called his sister to go check on him as I was 7-8 hours drive away at my own home. Also asked her to send an ambulance. Turns out my AH had consumed a full litre of a toxic poison. A teaspoon would kill a small animal.
He was taken to hospital in ambulance. Still conscious as the alcohol in his system (yeah he relapsed that day after allegedly one month sober) was acting as an antidote to the poison.

Eventually his body began to shut down, he was rushed to Intensive Treatment Unit where he remained for 10 days (in a coma for 7 of those days) has now been moved to another hospital in England that specialises in renal care as both his kidneys failed. As well as this his lung collapsed, he got a chest infection, pneumonia, MRSA hospital bug. They (medical team) assumed he would lose his sight and be brain damaged to some degree.

Miraculously, he seems to have escaped all of that and apart from obvious need of mental health treatment he seems to have survived apart from the kidneys. Even they are showing signs of improvement.
He may get out of hospital in next few days! He can receive ongoing dialysis several times a week at hospital or daily at home.

We (his children from his first marriage) and I travelled to his bedside as soon as it happened as the doctor I spoke to thought it unlikely he would survive 24 hours. I spent the next 2 weeks at his bedside supporting him and his children.

He was very confused for a few days after all the drugs but now he has his memory back and the consultant has told him what he did. He sent me a message saying he is ashamed and feels very guilty for pain he's caused me. Will never touch a drip eve in his life again etc

I offered to be there to support him and to travel down south again soon to return his car and to offer some support around house/appointments etc and even though things were very emotional and I was tempted to just go back to him - I managed to say that I can't offer him more than that at this stage.

Two days ago rental money was due into my account but it seems it was redirected by him to his daughters account - bit of a kick in the guts after all I'd done for him and girls recently....
When I asked him if he remembered anything he just said 'yeah, think I may have arranged that a few weeks back'. Nothing further apart from asking when we could have a face to face talk about everything.

I told him I would drive the 7/8 hours back with car when we know what day he's getting released and I could stay a day or two to help out and we could talk then.

I'm thinking this is really bad behaviour for him to leave me financially strapped whilst we aren't even officially separated YET (I have an appointment next week).

There was money in his apartment that I used for all of our expenses while he was in hospital - I'm sure that won't go down well when he returns home and realises but I wasn't going to be even more out of pocket for leaving work for two weeks to support him and his children.

The last thing (sorry this is a long post) while he wa in coma I was trying to get some contacts from his phone - lol and behold in popped an email with photo attachments from a lady he sounds to have met online - she is Russian.... seems he had been corresponding with her and maybe others during our 6 week separation and even right up to before he was begging me to return to him.

I am SO torn about doing the right thing to support him through what is a very dark episode for him and his mental health and also just wanting away from it all.

One thing is for sure I need to return his work car to him soon - I only took it north to get his girls back home it was just the simplest option at the time.

I'd really appreciate any comments any of you have
Thank you

Ladybird579

You do not owe this man anything. He ended up in ICU cos of his own stupidity. He has proved himself a liar over and over. He has lied about his affair and lied about other women and he is lying about not drinking. He's already cut off finances to you. Not the actions of anyone wanting to make amends or recover. My exah ended up in icu too. I still divorced him. He is still womanising and still drinking. I, on the other hand, are out of it and happy now. I'd stick to my plans if I were you.

PhoenixJ

Catastrophic blackmail. If he does not value his own existence over drinking and such drastic behaviour- I would not think it likely he will think of others,.

Support and empathy to you and your family. Empathy for him.

LexieCat

He doesn't need your "support" right now. He needs to get his sh*t together.

You need to be taking care of YOU. I think what you did for his kids was a kindness--for THEM. Their dad is their dad's problem now.

Hummer

I'm toying with idea of returning car to his home before he returns from hospital and that way we wouldn't have to spend time under same roof.
It does feel underhand and I did say last week that I'd support him in any way I could...oh well, that was before he pulled the financial rug from under me!
Time to toughen up I think - going to discuss options with friends - will need a second driver to follow me for the return journey and all my stuff from down there.

I can imagine the talk - she left him high and dry in hospital and cleared out all of her belongings - oh crumbs

TimeForMe

Oh my, Hummer, what a mess. I completely agree with the other posters - you do not owe this man anything, especially your emotional health! Let's say you give him another chance (I am not suggesting you do this). The next time you decide it's over, and he again drinks poison, will you take him back again? That's a terrible merry-go-round to be on!

If you give him another chance, you will be showing him that he can continue to emotionally manipulate you whenever he wants.

Hugs to you.

TimeForMe

By the way, you ask if it can get any worse. It sure can. Take him back and watch what happens.

SmallButMighty

Try not to worry about the "talk" others will blather. They don't know the facts. Even if they did, it wouldn't be any of their business... AND... what other people think isn't any of your business anyhow.

You did not poison the man, he did that. ( Actually, he's been poisoning himself for years!)... In no way your fault and certainly not your responsibility to clean up the mess he made.

I like the idea of dropping his car off and getting your stuff before he comes home. That doesn't exclude you from being supportive or from having meaningful conversations with him from a safe distance if that is what you WANT to do.

Look after you Hummer.

*hugs*

53500

Yes I agree. Leave him to his own devices. Yes it can, and likely will get worse, particularly if you show him this behavior succeeds in getting you back/involved/ helping him out, whatever.

Anyone who would poison themselves needs professional help, IMO, but it's up to him to seek it out.

Yes it is. Plus he's communicating with other women and you already know he was unfaithful. Taking weeks off work, doing all that traveling for an emergency he created was very generous of you.

God bless!

atalose

And the only way you can right now is with prayer!

I’d drop the car off, get your stuff all before he gets out of the hospital. I’d also not mention the money, don’t let your bitterness show, he’ll use it against you.
Find the strength to limit your contact with him to email, letters, etc. as move forward with the divorce then allow your attorney to do all the contacting with him.

It’s not easy, tugs at your heartstrings when you see someone you loved in a critical condition like that.

hopeful4

This. So absolutely true.

GreenEyes02

Let me share with you what a counselor told me after I broke up with my xAbf. I had told her that when I broke up with him I told him he could maybe call me in a month or more. But when I was speaking with her a few weeks after this conversation with him, I knew in my heart that I had no desire to talk to him at all, but I felt conflicted because I had told him he *could* call me.

She said I am well within my rights to change my mind. That I could not foresee how I would feel in a month, two months, etc etc.

In your case I think you are even more within your rights to change your mind. Besides everything else, he left you in financial pickle and you discovered that after you made this promise to him.

As others have mentioned - continuing to provide him with emotional support will just put you back on his chaotic merry go round of dysfunction.

Get your stuff, drop off the car, all before he gets out of hospital. Take care of you.

MicroMacro

Hi Hummer,

He's being released because medical opinion is that he'll be okay home. You wrote "I'm toying with idea of returning car to his home before he returns from hospital ... "

I think that's a wise idea.

"I can imagine the talk - she left him high and dry in hospital and cleared out all of her belongings"

What else might people say? And does it matter? That looks like a double-edged sword to me. You can't win. You're a sh!t for leaving him or you're weak for staying.

"Can't get any worse?!"

What do you think? How badly do you want to find out? How much more do you want to experience?

Hummer

Many thanks to all of you for the wise and supportive messages - I read them over and over.

I am completely done with this but I do know there's just this last hurdle before I'm out!

Hugs and best wishes to all of you

Seren

Wow, Hummer, I am sorry for this mess. I do have a tendency to agree with the others that it would probably be best in the long run if you return the car and retrieve your belongings before he is discharged.

So, what you actually said is that you would support him in any way you *could*....and he left you in a financial bind....so now, you *can't* because you have to spend your time dealing with that.

I hope that you won't feel guilty taking care of your own needs right now because you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have gone above and beyond in everything you've done so far. He is in the hands of professionals who will help him.

I hope the finances can be righted fairly easily. Please take good care of yourself!

mylifeismine

Hummer, sounds like its time to give yourself all the understanding,
kindness, and compassion that you need. It's a loving act toward
yourself to allow yourself to have limits (boundaries) and act on them.
You have been gracious to this man who deeply needs professional
help. Time to allow yourself to get out, and do not concern yourself
with what others say, they do not know all the facts, nor do they need
to unless you choose to share with someone.

Bekindalways

^^^^^ This . . . along with the new financial problems AND the fact you had to take time off of work, you have less time and money so can't be there as much.

Take care of you.

Ariesagain

You don't really need to excuse it, justify it, or explain it. You changed your mind. End of sentence.

Sending you a hug.

Hummer

Thank you all for the more recent posts - your collective wisdom is worth it's weight in gold.

I return often to re read the comments to strengthen my resolve.

I really appreciate this fabulous, safe and supportive place

Refiner

Wow Hummer, listen to how kind you are... you feel bound to your statement at the time of his self-inflicted crisis and meanwhile he just lies and lies and then LIES some more to your face bc he is so selfish and used to taking advantage of you. Do yourself a favor for once... heck, I'd make him come get his own damm car! Btw... WHO said he drank a whole liter of poison? My guess it was just enough to put him into crisis mode (ME ME ME!) and especially those who THREATEN OTHERS with their own suicide are not the ones who seriously take their own life. My sister drank herself into a coma-induced ICU stay, too - swore off the stuff after that. She was back to drinking within a year's time.