taplow

I'd had 30 days without and then walking along on Tuesday afternoon I just decided I'd drink. Went into the supermarket and bought some wine. I've been drinking ever since from morning to night.
This came from nowhere. I wouldn't have thought it possible that I'd have done that earlier. It's some deeply embedded tangle of thoughts and urges that I can't control. It controls me.
What's the point in making any kind of effort? Couldn't it be that the fact that we make these attempts is the cause of the problem in the first place. We make it an issue by trying to stop and all we're doing is strengthening the desire.
I don't know where I am at the moment. Hopefully tomorrow.

kel08

from this moment you are thinking rationally and sober. make the choice not to drink today. just today you can re evaluate and sit down and think about it all tomorrow and what lead to it, because there will be a reason even if you weren't aware of it. Did you miss a step in your plan that day? was it a day of any significance no matter how small. We do relapse for a reason, it might be not putting the effort in as much as we could have and we have to be accountable for that. The bender is over.... you cant change it, I'm so sorry you are back feeling at the beginning, but you aren't, its progress, not perfection.Today you made a choice, a brave one, and you are here with us, and we will help you and support you because we have all been there. There are so many that have relapsed and are here with years under their belt. They did it, and we can too. Be good to yourself today as you are going to feel crappy for a few days. get a good meal, drink plenty of water, do what you do to make you feel good. Once we feel good its easier to be kind to ourselves.

Dee74

Don't be disheartened.

With Time and effort you can even beat those auto pilot moments.

I'd always 'come to' again for instance when I opened the bottle - the seal was broken and so was that auto pilot stuff.

Of course, it's not easy to then go tip out that bottle but it can be done.
That would be the time I'd get on SR and ask for help.

The last time I bought a bottle I had had a dreadful day. I'd been on SR maybe 3 months or so.

I found the strength to dump the bottle unopened in a community bin.

You can find that strength too Taplow

D

Willadoit

There's no such thing as "square 1" You have learnt that sudden urges hit.
You acted on impulse, on that urge. But nothing "controls" you, YOU still acted upon that urge. You had to walk into the supermarket, go to the wine isle, stand and pay for it, take it home, open it, pour it and drink it.
I am learning through AVRT, that I am not a helpless victim of these urges, please don't lose heart, you are not a helpless victim either..no one is

Grymt

Yes you cannot control these deep urges. However, you can be aware of them and when they rise up you can choose to not pick up and instead face life as it is in that moment. When you do that you move on to another level where you have more confidence in your ability to face this next time and so on. Unfortunately it's a lesson many must learn over and over. Make this the last time.

Mattq2

I also do not believe in "square one" . You know now what that urge feels like. You know more about how your AV works. You are stronger and more prepared to succeed. Just please don't give up. You are perfecting your plan.

You can do it.

doggonecarl

No.

PhoenixJ

If I asked myself that question- I would just be rationalising it away- another 'reason' to drink.

BruceSA

Don't feel down, Tap.

It happens, but maybe a start when sober is to try and identify what caused that and what you can do differently?

The alcoholic in us just sits there, waiting for an opportunity. By learning to recognise it, and then ignore it, smother it, starve it out we can defeat it in that moment (until the next time, because it's got permanent residence and it will be waiting for the next chance).

But would you agree it's better to have 1 day sober under your belt instead of a 3 or 5 day bender under your belt?

Keep positive and keep posting, please.

30 days is something to be proud of!
B.

Anna

No, it's the disease talking to you. It's you AV trying to convince you to drink, and it's relentless. You can get past moments like that and the urges will diminish.

thomas11

Hi Taplow, others have given great advice. I think you must have learned some things in those 30 days, add those that worked to your toolkit and get back on the horse. this time shoot for 300 days....and beyond. It IS possible.

tomsteve

the point for me stopping was either that or suicide.
no, its not making the attempt is the cause of the problem.making an attempt is THE problem- we are either 100% committed to stopping drinking or not.we either stop or we don't. no attempting.no trying.period.
what caused the problem in me is alcoholism- after removing the alcohol I still have the mental obsession.
I had the mental obsession for some time after I stopped drinking. i remember one day at the store- no thought of drinking- and walked by the beer cooler and WANTED a 12 pack. i could taste it.
but i chose not to allow that thought control my actions.

taplow, it reads like your trying to rationalize drinking.

SnazzyDresser

This idea that it's some deliciously complicated tangle of unfathomable things is just balderdash. The truth is simple and will take you to better things, and the truth is that we're addicted to alcohol and will lie to ourselves to get at it. The right thing to do is simple but not always easy, to not drink no matter what.

bexxed

You know why I KNOW the answer is NO?

Because I've thought the same thing, after doing the same thing, over and over and over and over...

And there was the big bad reason we stopped in the first place, then "triggering event" that often happens to make someone think that perhaps they have a problem. Maybe a DUI, a bad fight, a health problem, or something less dramatic. They come here, or to a meeting, or write in their journal, only you know what it was for you. You said "I have a problem. This is how I feel. This is why. I need to stop. I need help". However it was that you said it. Did saying that create the problem? Uh, wasn't it a response to seeing the problem?

Can you see how insidious addiction and denial is?

How can you and I have the same irrational thought in response to the same scenario?

The reason I had those thoughts is because I'm an alcoholic. If I wasn't an alcoholic, the whole setting is totally different. No problem, no bargaining, no second guessing, nothing. Because it's not even worth thinking about because it's a non-issue.

taplow

Some great answers to my post here. I've been drinking since Tuesday so I won't go on too much.
I don't blame myself. No actually I do blame myself. I knew very well what I was doing when I went and bought alcohol. That's the problem. I stand there and let the thing that I really don't want to happen, to happen unopposed.
Maybe I'm different to most others because with me another state of mind takes over. I remember being sober for nearly 8 years and then one day I just had this great idea to start drinking. For no reason, just go and buy a bottle of lager. Obviously that led to more and more. Straight back to square 1. But this time it's worse because there's this psychological imprint that's stamped itself all over it.
There's another mind that controls this. I'm riding on the elephant and the elephant is deciding the direction and I think that really I'm steering him when I'm not. I think I'm probably fooling myself when I make these resolutions to not drink. But then, what's the alternative? Oh no.

Grymt

You are right about the ignorance referenced in your signature. We can know a lot but remain ignorant of the important things. It doesn't mean unintelligent it means unswise. Wisdom is attainable to the ignorant. Sometimes it is just a thin layer of ignorance. What you lack is self awareness. You say that yourself so I'm sure I'm not insulting you.

There are simple ways to get the awareness. Start with something very simple like body position awareness. Practice saying to your self. when walking 'I am walking'. Similarly when standing, sitting and laying down. These are gross wisdoms but wisdoms nevertheless connected to subtler wisdoms.

taplow

Hi Grymt, I'm not sure that what might work for you will work for me. We don't all function at the same level. From your example I think I'd rather have my ignorance than your intelligence.

Grymt

Well, it is all a matter of choice. You need to find a way to make the choice not to drink at those times when you are ignorant of why you drink.

"That's the problem. I stand there and let the thing that I really don't want to happen, to happen unopposed.
Maybe I'm different "

I think like all pisspots you are terminally unique. That is part of the the problem we all share.

Michael66

Hi Taplow. I did the same with 4 years sober. It took me a year to get back. And maybe I can't be sure I won't drink again. But I know I feel better today without it, and that's enough for me. Some days I'm very much a one-day-at-a-time kind of guy.

Look after yourself the next few days as I imagine there'll be a lot of mood swings. Sober, or drinking, you're worth looking after as best as you can.

Take care. You'll be my thoughts and prayers for what that is worth.

Michael

2ndhandrose

Hi Taplow,

I relapsed many years ago after 6 years sober and it took me over 20 years to get back.

I thought, for so many years, that my relapse came out of nowhere, a switch flipped and I headed to the closest bar without even trying to stop myself.

After some time on SR I learned about relapse happening long before the drink is picked up. It took me awhile to grasp this idea but now, looking back in retrospect, I see that I had been grooming myself to drink, for quite awhile, before I actually had the "switch flip" moment and went to autopilot.

I had recently divorced, moved to a new city, had no friends, blah, blah, poor me and on it went.

I am just sharing my story. I hope you make your way back sooner than I did.