Jo2017

I've been visiting this site for the past week or so and these posts have given me so much strength & encouragement. My STBXAH of 18 years came home from his latest round of rehab with a bottle of vodka and love letters from a patient he met there. Needless to say it's been an awful time-not completely surprising but still awful. We have been separated since Dec of 2015 after I found him texting his assistant but he kept claiming it was because of the alcohol & he really loved me. Now his new gf is moving 400 miles to move in with him & he is done with our marriage. My main issue right now is how to heal & get over him when I see him practically everyday since he claims to "watch" our kids (14 & 9) when they get home from school. According to kids, he's usually sleeping, texting his gf, or locking himself in the bathroom to talk to her. I had to go back to work full time after he got his 4th DUI last February & lost his job. (He's gotten a 5th since then). I would really love to go no contact but with kids & the fact that we're mostly living on his 401k right now, I have to try to keep the peace. Appreciate any ESH -thx for listening!

LexieCat

I'd suggest you make a visit to a lawyer your top priority. And make different childcare arrangements. Depending on the maturity of the 14 y/o, you might just need someone they can call in case of emergency.

Jo2017

Thx LexieCat--unfortunately the funds aren't there for a lawyer-I lost retainer money last year when I let him talk me into trying to make it work again. We are having to go the mediation route. My 14 year old actually prefers him not to be there-he says that it only makes one more person he has to worry about getting out of the house if it ever caught on fire. Very sad to think that way about your dad.

maia1234

Jo,
Ugh!! Good for you for reaching out for help. First off I want to tell you there is an amazing future for you, when you finally get rid of your addict.

Have you contacted an attorney to find out your legal rights, or what you are entitled too? Have you hit any alanon meetings in your area? I think that would be a great face to face support for you. Keep reading all over this forum. Education is power.

I would set up some boundaries regarding taking care of him. Let him fend for himself. Don't enable him at all. Take care of you and your kids, thats it. You have to remember that life of an addict is not pretty. It will only get harder for him, and let his skank girlfriend have him.

Hugs to you, you can do anything you set your mind too, set a path and follow it!!!

MicroMacro

Is he drinking around your kids?

Jo2017

Thx Maia--$ is a real issue & don't think I can afford an atty. STBXAH had a very good job making very good $. The job I was able to get is 1/10 of what we used to make. And of course, he rented a very expensive apartment adding another 1000 to our expenses. So we are trying to sell our house but owe more than it's worth. Just got a nasty text from him-I asked him to take a break from coming here for a few days & now he is threatening me with an attorney. My dd was sick this week & I asked him to spend the day with her on Wednesday so I didn't have to call in sick. He had a complete temper tantrum throwing things & cursing saying he had been watching her for 2 days (even tho I had taken a half day on Monday) & was going out of town-he needed a break. He got more angry-cursing in front of kids. I asked him to leave-he refused. I told him I would call cops-he's on probation so that didn't go well. I went to get my phone & it got a little physical from there . He didn't hit me, just some wrestling over the phone & him being very aggressive. Ended with ds on his back trying to get him off of me. Luckily he left but kids don't want to see him which I totally understand. But now the bullying texts begin. Oh & where he was going for his day off? To Cherokee to gamble. So I stay home from a paying job while he has been unemployed for a year & goes to gamble. Sorry for long post -guess I needed to vent!

Jo2017

Hi MicroMacro-yes he is still actively drinking. He hides it of course and it has gotten less since last rehab but really depends on the day. He's not allowed to have kids in the car & kids know not to go anywhere with him but still not a good environment for them. I'm hoping when his gf does move in he will want to be here less.

dandylion

Jo....you might want to peruse this website.....Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
It is educational in nature, and is not meant to replace an attorney.....
but, the more you know, the better....
You do have rights...
You will find links to other resources of help, on that website, also....

from what you share, I suggest that you contact your local domestic violence hotline, and talk to a worker....it will be confidential. There are many ways that they can be of assistance to you...as they see situations, such as your, every day...They are very compassionate and they are very dedicated to helping...

Also, contact your county social services department....you can visit their website...and make an appointment with a social worker...there are many sources of assistance that you may have never thought of.....

there is help,,,,even if you don't think so....and you just need to turn over every rock.....

Jo2017

Thx so much Dandylion-that really helps-these are steps I can take to keep moving forward instead of feeling like I'm always at his mercy. Every time I'm feeling hopeless someone here posts something & I feel my strength return-thanks to all of you for that! I'm slowly realizing that I've been emotionally abused all these years & that's part of the reason I've put up with this for so long. Trying to be kind to myself & stop beating myself up for being so weak.

dandylion

Jo....yes, living in abuse tends to erode your self esteem and self confidence. After a while, it even can make you doubt your own thoughts.
this is one reason that we harp, so much, about seeking all the help that is available...lol....
the longer you are in that environment, the harder it is on you....
Absolutely, stop beating up on yourself...he has done a good enough job of that himself! beating up o n yourself is just wasting your precious energy that you could better use, elsewhere....

I hope that you will keep posting here, also, because you are not the only person who has found themselves in this situation....Keep reading and keep learning.....
Knowledge is power..

Jo2017

The erratic behavior & push /pull dynamic is really wearing me down. One day he is cleaning & cooking & being super dad-the next he is cold as ice. He claims to still love me but not enough to stop having affairs & truly get sober. I guess this is the intermittent interaction I've been reading about & it really messes with your mind. And I know that even if he came back & was sober-it wouldn't work. But why am I secretly hoping for that?

dandylion

Jo....why? because it is largely, human nature....Pair bonding is a powerful force and it is painful to break those bonds....even if the relationship is destructive to you. Your ego and your dreams have been entangled with him, as the center of your l ife. Whenever we lose a dream...we mourn,,,we grieve....it is unavoidable.
Hard as it is...if we want to make changes in our lives, we have to endure the short-term pain for the long term gain.....
there is n going around it...only through it......It does get better, thought...it will end.
Facing reality is hard....just ask anyone on this forum...lol....

there are thousands of rea life stories on this forum....yes, thousands.
Read some of them every day...you will see your own story and your own words, over and over.
LOL,,,I have typed these words, myself, thousands of times, to others who are hurting,just like you.....

You are not alone,,,and you do have options...and, you can change your life!

LexieCat

I've worked in the DV field professionally for a very long time and I've had many cases where the children are injured while trying to intervene and protect their moms. Even when they aren't injured, it is terrifying for them.

In spite of the fact that he hasn't "hit" you yet, in most places what you described would be enough to get a protective order. That would require him to move out and to have no contact with you. In addition, the court could order him to have no contact with the kids (or that visitation be supervised) and that he support you and the kids financially--at least on a temporary basis.

I'd suggest calling your local shelter and talking with an advocate. Depending on where you live, there might be free or low-cost legal assistance available to you. The advocate would know what resources you might be able to access.

darkling

I'm so sorry you and your children are having to go thru this!

I just had to stick my 2 cents in here:
Just because he didn't hit you, does not mean that what happened that day wasn't Domestic Violence. IT WAS.

A 14yo should not have to pull his mother's attacker off of her.
Please, don't tell your AH that you're going to call the police -
Pick up the phone and hit 911. Tell them your estranged husband is attacking you, your children are with you and you are afraid.

You will be amazed at how fast they will get there! Please don't think that this isn't a big deal, that your bothering them, that it's worked out ok before. . . ! This is their job and they will understand! It can also be invaluable to have an official record of this.

My little brother was 13 when he aimed a shotgun at the man who was attacking our mother. They lived out in the country and response time for the sheriff was 20 min. Please believe me, this is affecting your DS more than either of your realize.

I'm also echoing dandylion's suggested phone calls!

Sending hugs your way!

Jo2017

Thx everyone for all of your wisdom-there are so many more resources than I realized! My job is pretty intense so I will have to do all my research at night-if I can stay awake that long. I went onto the woman's divorce site & immediately felt sick to my stomach. So sad but necessary. He was super contrite today on the phone but that's typical after an incident. At least I'm slowly catching on to the routine.

maia1234

Jo,
Stick with us!! I always call the calm after the storm my honeymoon period. He knows he was bad and feeling guilty. Then he will be nice to you because he knows you and the kids are pissed.

Please follow through with the DV call. They are so helpful and if you can get him out of the home I think the kids will feel better. They are so concerned about moms safety, that its just not fair to them.

Dad is an addict, and his addictions are his number one priority. Nothing else. Don't think twice if he gets angry again to call the cops.Keep posting Jo so we know you are ok, my friend!!

Jo2017

Thx, Maia-I talked to kids & let them know that they don't have to see their dad until they're ready & only with another adult present (not me.). I think they are feeling much better to have some control. Neither one has mentioned him & I think gf must be moving in this weekend b/c I haven't heard much from him. Our state was having a"call a lawyer for free " day so I called in & found out that since we've been living apart for a year we don't have to have a legal separation & can move straight to divorce. This is good news but it sure has thrown me for a loop-feeling pretty emotional but putting on a good front for kids. Just feeling so lonely & very replaceable. But at least I'm not in that devastated place I was a month ago. Hopefully getting stronger every day.

LexieCat

Well, the good news is that he may welcome the chance to spend time alone with his g/f and leave you and the kids in peace. Not that that situation will necessarily remain indefinitely, but at least you all get a breather from the chaos.

I do recommend that you start shopping for a lawyer, though. He is required to financially support the kids (and maybe you), and you want some kind of a custody/visitation order in place. Without that, there would be nothing to prevent him (if he's feeling vindictive) from picking the kids up from school and keeping them. You can take your time for a bit, but it's probably best to get something in place as soon as you can. Also, even if you don't feel the need for a protective order, you can be given temporary legal possession of the house. Otherwise, if he is on the deed/lease, he has the legal right to come in whenever he takes it into his head to do so.

Jo2017

Feeling low this morning-thinking about him & his gf-what they are doing & his starting a new life-while we aren't even legally separated. Funny how he was adamant that he not move to gf's area b'c he wants to be with kids, but has barely even asked to see them since Tuesday. I know I should be grateful & I am but also have to be honest about my feelings of abandonment. Will I ever feel whole again? It's hard when he wasn't all bad - he would always bring me my coffee in the am & get kids lunches ready for school. Of course I also have to remember that then he would fix his "coke" & then go to the bathroom with his phone for 20 minutes-pretty sure he wasn't meditating! Why did I let this go on & how will I ever be able to trust anyone again? Feel like I take one step forward & 2 steps back. The few friends I have are so tired of me just not being over him already. All the things he's done, how can I not be? Maybe I should change my name to "Annoying "

dandylion

Jo..it is normal to have the feelings that you ae having...one does go through the mourning process..
Be sure to think about him fixing coke and doing it in her bathroom....there will be day that her friends will get tired of hearing about his s***...if it lasts that long.
It is common that friends and family do get tired....that is why it is better to just to talk to those who have been through it...those that understand. That is why support groups and counselors, and SR are good....because people understand....
One doesn't just wake up in the morning, and Bam--the pain is all gone...
It is a process...it takes time, but it does get better.....