jjnorris

So I need some strength to face what is going to happen. My AH has not been drinking for about 5 months now. I will not say he is sober, because he has been smoking pot as a replacement. He has never seen a conselor or attempted a program. About 2 weeks ago he came to me and said he is struggling, he did not feel his life was normal without alcohol. His smoking, which he told me stopped 2 months ago, has been continuous and now almost daily. He also said he wanted to try social drinking. We talked, I told him I was concerned about the weed and the desire to drink, I felt this was a very slippery slope. I suggested perhaps it was time to seek help, but ultimately his decision to use/drink, but he knows my limits. 2 weeks of silence, I became withdrawn and depressed foreseeing the sliphone coming, hurt that he did not want to do more to ensure his sobriety. 2 days ago we had it out again. The conversation went as most of you can guess, ending in him being pissed and stating he is a full grown man who can do what he wants. And he will keep smoking and does intend to try drinking again. I told him I can't do that, I don't want that, can't watch that happen again. For 2 days he has sent me hurtfull texts, saying I don't love him, never have. I don't support him etc, etc. Now we have moved onto the "I love you, and want to talk" stage. I know he will try to get me to ignore my boundaries and concerns. I hate to see him hurting and want to help him, but I can't sacrifice myself again. If I don't stand my ground I know we will be right back here again. I need strength to stick to my decision knowing it is hurting him, knowing I will most likely lose him for good by doing so.

batchel9

Stay strong!!! Classic alcohol talking. First blame, than apology, etc. You could hear him out, but ultimately you have to decide what you are willing to live with. And I would try to stick to it! I have found thinking about the future helps. Ok, so if I don't leave now I get to live with more drinking, stress, etc. That doesn't sound great either!

Maudcat

Doesn't sound like this relationship is benefitting you, jj. He seems to be doing okay, though. Gets to do just what he wants, and blames you when you push back against his bad behavior.
Really, is this fair? Marriage is meant to be an equal joining and support for one another. You aren't getting that.

Maudcat

Doesn't sound like this relationship is benefitting you, jj. He seems to be doing okay, though. Gets to do just what he wants, and blames you when you push back against his bad behavior.
Really, is this fair? Marriage is meant to be an equal joining and support for one another. You aren't getting that.

PhoenixJ

Support for strength given.

atalose

Keep reminding yourself that you don't want to be back at this same spot again. Sticking to your boundaries is not hurting him, but by not sticking to them it's hurting you!!

FeelingGreat

You're not hurting him, he's hurting you. How did that get twisted about in his mind? And when did he appoint you as controller of his life?

You've stated your boundaries so that discussion's been and done, and no need to repeat yourself. Now really think about this; is leaving the only option if he does start drinking again? Or now that he's self-medicating in other ways?

If you can't contemplate life with him drinking again, and it sounds like you won't go there, then you know where you stand, and so does he. But you seem to think you standing firm will stop him drinking, rather than it being for yourself and your own welfare.

From what you say, he may have already made up his mind, and is now bargaining about whether you stick around. Guilting you and wearing you down.

LexieCat

Yup, he's already made up his mind, he just wants you to be OK with it. You AREN'T OK with it.

Have you talked to a lawyer about your legal options for separation or divorce? I'd suggest that you do that. It doesn't obligate you to DO anything until you are ready, but it helps to know what your rights and obligations might be if you were to take those steps. Knowledge is power.

AnvilheadII

I hate to see him hurting and want to help him, but I can't sacrifice myself again.

HE doesn't seem to be hurting and HE certainly doesn't want any HELP.

he has told you flat out what his intentions are. he has lied to you about smoking pot. and now PLANS to drink again.

don't make yourself into a bargaining chip......stand firm.

SmallButMighty

Big Hugs jj

You are at an important juncture. You know what your boundaries are for you to live the best life for you. Hold strong to those boundaries. You deserve a life of peace where your wishes are heard and respected. His feelings are his problem, you have no control over what he feels or why he feels it. Don't accept the blame for his "stuff".

Sending you strength and calm while you deal with this.

NYCDoglvr

You can't be high and sober at the same time. I don't know you but I do know you deserve a good life like all of us. Good advice above about boundaries and getting the help you need.