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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
New to site
Hello everyone,
I have been lurking for sometime now and I decided to join up and participate. Here is my first post and it has to do with something I have been struggling with a lot, especially lately. First of all I have been sober since Jan 8 so coming up on 2 months now and I cannot be happier with my decision. However, I am definitely starting to see that quitting drinking alone is not going to fix everything that went bad in my life. Especially with what I have been dealing with lately, rebuilding my relationship with my gf that I lost because of my drinking.
A little background, im 35 she is 36 and she has 3 children. She is divorced and has had to deal with substance abuse issues in her past relationships, family, and personally. We met while we both worked together and have dated for over 2 years up until this point. (Technically we are not together but still involved.) Honestly, the relationship had its own unique challenges as anyone can imagine but has been one of the most healthy, rewarding, and honest expierences of my life so far. Ive grown to love this woman deeply and care for her children. They care for me as well and before we had our issues we had a plan to all get a house together and start a life. Marriage, even another child were all on the table, and I was ready for it. At least so I thought.
She will be the first to tell anyone our only hiccup has been the few times we have fought while I was drinking, had too much to drink. Nothing bad happened, no physical abuse or infidelity or anything like that, but numerous times I said things that she just couldnt put up with. The last time being the last night I drank. So she broke up with me, saying she couldnt trust me anymore and had to what was right for her and her kids. I totally understood and realized if I truly wanted the life I said i did, I needed to stop drinking. For me. So I have.
Thing is...we still love each other. Fast forward a month we start talking again and spending a little time together. She still says she needs time and space but wants to continue to see me and support me in my sobriety. The last few weeks we have been seeing more of each other, and spending time with the kids. It has been pretty amazing. Just this past Saturday I got some amazing NBA tickets through work so we took her daughter and son to the game as kind of a bday gift for her daughter. Her kids told her how great it was having me around and how they want us to get back together. The nicknames and "babes" came back out recently and she introduced me to someone as her boyfriend. Basically...I say all this to illustrate how I felt like we were on the right track. Then, just yesterday, she tells me she loves me but things just are not feeling right yet and she needs to stop seeing me. She needs time and space. We are not going to talk. Of course Im crushed and am having a hard time dealing with this.
Its hard to paint the full picture in an initial post like this but the gist is she loves me but is totally running hot and cold about our relationship. She is having a hard time trusting I am going to stay sober and does not seem to know exactly what she wants. Like I said, our relationship was amazing besides what we are going through now, so it is very hard for either of us to give it up. But it seems like its heading down that path. I know I need to focus on my own health and sobriety, and am reaching out to a counselor to try and deal with this, but it seems impossible right now. Her and the kids mean so much to me I just wish I could fix it. I know I cant.
Like I said, its hard to paint a complete picture of the situation and I feel like I have left a ton out and can fill in the holes maybe after some questions. I guess I am just looking for some advice from people who have or are going through something similar. At the very least, help me cope with this new development. Thank you all for reading this and I look forward to becoming a part of this community.
I have been lurking for sometime now and I decided to join up and participate. Here is my first post and it has to do with something I have been struggling with a lot, especially lately. First of all I have been sober since Jan 8 so coming up on 2 months now and I cannot be happier with my decision. However, I am definitely starting to see that quitting drinking alone is not going to fix everything that went bad in my life. Especially with what I have been dealing with lately, rebuilding my relationship with my gf that I lost because of my drinking.
A little background, im 35 she is 36 and she has 3 children. She is divorced and has had to deal with substance abuse issues in her past relationships, family, and personally. We met while we both worked together and have dated for over 2 years up until this point. (Technically we are not together but still involved.) Honestly, the relationship had its own unique challenges as anyone can imagine but has been one of the most healthy, rewarding, and honest expierences of my life so far. Ive grown to love this woman deeply and care for her children. They care for me as well and before we had our issues we had a plan to all get a house together and start a life. Marriage, even another child were all on the table, and I was ready for it. At least so I thought.
She will be the first to tell anyone our only hiccup has been the few times we have fought while I was drinking, had too much to drink. Nothing bad happened, no physical abuse or infidelity or anything like that, but numerous times I said things that she just couldnt put up with. The last time being the last night I drank. So she broke up with me, saying she couldnt trust me anymore and had to what was right for her and her kids. I totally understood and realized if I truly wanted the life I said i did, I needed to stop drinking. For me. So I have.
Thing is...we still love each other. Fast forward a month we start talking again and spending a little time together. She still says she needs time and space but wants to continue to see me and support me in my sobriety. The last few weeks we have been seeing more of each other, and spending time with the kids. It has been pretty amazing. Just this past Saturday I got some amazing NBA tickets through work so we took her daughter and son to the game as kind of a bday gift for her daughter. Her kids told her how great it was having me around and how they want us to get back together. The nicknames and "babes" came back out recently and she introduced me to someone as her boyfriend. Basically...I say all this to illustrate how I felt like we were on the right track. Then, just yesterday, she tells me she loves me but things just are not feeling right yet and she needs to stop seeing me. She needs time and space. We are not going to talk. Of course Im crushed and am having a hard time dealing with this.
Its hard to paint the full picture in an initial post like this but the gist is she loves me but is totally running hot and cold about our relationship. She is having a hard time trusting I am going to stay sober and does not seem to know exactly what she wants. Like I said, our relationship was amazing besides what we are going through now, so it is very hard for either of us to give it up. But it seems like its heading down that path. I know I need to focus on my own health and sobriety, and am reaching out to a counselor to try and deal with this, but it seems impossible right now. Her and the kids mean so much to me I just wish I could fix it. I know I cant.
Like I said, its hard to paint a complete picture of the situation and I feel like I have left a ton out and can fill in the holes maybe after some questions. I guess I am just looking for some advice from people who have or are going through something similar. At the very least, help me cope with this new development. Thank you all for reading this and I look forward to becoming a part of this community.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
[QUOTE=NB32;6351269.....Then, just yesterday, she tells me she loves me but things just are not feeling right yet and she needs to stop seeing me. She needs time and space. We are not going to talk. Of course Im crushed and am having a hard time dealing with this.
Its hard to paint the full picture in an initial post like this but the gist is she loves me but is totally running hot and cold about our relationship. [/QUOTE]
Congrats on the 2 months and welcome to SR. Based on your quote above I believe she is seeing someone else. Running hot and cold like that is what normally happens when someone gets put on the back burner.
My advice to you is focus on yourself. Work to have a plan for dealing with cravings for alcohol or the thought you could have one or two as it would not hurt. Maybe excercise more. Start working a plan
You have to respect her wishes and go no contact. I take it it was her idea not to talk. The only chance you have here IMHO is to be the best man you can be, not chase after her, build your own life and move forward.
Its hard to paint the full picture in an initial post like this but the gist is she loves me but is totally running hot and cold about our relationship. [/QUOTE]
Congrats on the 2 months and welcome to SR. Based on your quote above I believe she is seeing someone else. Running hot and cold like that is what normally happens when someone gets put on the back burner.
My advice to you is focus on yourself. Work to have a plan for dealing with cravings for alcohol or the thought you could have one or two as it would not hurt. Maybe excercise more. Start working a plan
You have to respect her wishes and go no contact. I take it it was her idea not to talk. The only chance you have here IMHO is to be the best man you can be, not chase after her, build your own life and move forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
Thank you for the reply. She is not seeing anyone else, I know this. Your advice is good though, and is what I was expecting people to say. I have been exercising a ton and am trying my best not to let what is going on with her affect me so much. Its just very difficult as we were building a life together.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Alcohol robs us of people and relationships we love. It destroys. It is a very serious adversary, and must never be taken for granted. Perhaps this is your "bottom" with alcohol, the impetus to be sober going forward.
I destroyed numerous relationships with alcohol, all the while being financially succesful and well-respected in my field.
I destroyed numerous relationships with alcohol, all the while being financially succesful and well-respected in my field.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,282
You know the idea of her seeing someone else is not such a bad one if you consider the you that she would like to see. Respect that and become that. Which as an alcoholic means independently sober. Where you can be sober without her or anyone else. That person she is probably waiting for. Which means she is right and you have to be apart.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi and welcome NB 
There comes a time for most of us when promises and good intent just don't cut it anymore, and it sounds like you and your gf are at that point?
I think the only thing you can do is continue to be committed to being sober.
Do it for you, though not because you think it might get your gf back.
People can tell the difference, or at least the people in my life could.
Commit to real change..rediscover the real you again.
I haven;t got a crystal ball but if you commit to recovery you'll be in a good place, no matter what happens
D
There comes a time for most of us when promises and good intent just don't cut it anymore, and it sounds like you and your gf are at that point?
I think the only thing you can do is continue to be committed to being sober.
Do it for you, though not because you think it might get your gf back.
People can tell the difference, or at least the people in my life could.
Commit to real change..rediscover the real you again.
I haven;t got a crystal ball but if you commit to recovery you'll be in a good place, no matter what happens
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
Thank you Dee74. I think you are right. She said she is worried I am focusing too much on her and the kids and I just need to focus on myself. She has experience in this, like I said, both personally and with people in her life before me. I do want to be sober for myself. My life is already turning around for the best I can see that. I just want to be selfish and have her as well. Is that crazy of me to think is actually possible?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
NB,
Glad you found SR.
I have been married for thirty years. Through those years my drinking has done its far share of damage. When I would reach one of many sober stretches I believe the most difficult part for wife was waking up each day worried that this would be the day that she would find me drunk after a relapse.
She once told me it was hard to watch me slowly killing myself day after day.
With each sober day her trust in me strengthens. She may never be totally free of worry but each day does get better. Our relationship has improved tremendously.
I got sober many times for her only after she reached the end of her rope. I would stay sober until things got better only to drink again.
I guess what I'm saying is you have no chance with her if you continue to drink. You have to quit for you and never drink again. If it was meant to be and you stay sober then there is always hope.
Just so you know nothing in my life has gotten worse since getting sober.
Glad you found SR.
I have been married for thirty years. Through those years my drinking has done its far share of damage. When I would reach one of many sober stretches I believe the most difficult part for wife was waking up each day worried that this would be the day that she would find me drunk after a relapse.
She once told me it was hard to watch me slowly killing myself day after day.
With each sober day her trust in me strengthens. She may never be totally free of worry but each day does get better. Our relationship has improved tremendously.
I got sober many times for her only after she reached the end of her rope. I would stay sober until things got better only to drink again.
I guess what I'm saying is you have no chance with her if you continue to drink. You have to quit for you and never drink again. If it was meant to be and you stay sober then there is always hope.
Just so you know nothing in my life has gotten worse since getting sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I dunno if its crazy - you know your gf better than I do
Some relationships do get past the bad times...others don't.
The only thing you can control right now is your recovery and your effort.
I hope you'll be one of the happy ending people
D
Some relationships do get past the bad times...others don't.
The only thing you can control right now is your recovery and your effort.
I hope you'll be one of the happy ending people
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
Thank you Mattq2. This is what I want for me and her. Your story definitely gives me hope. I have every intention of staying sober for the life I want to live. I have started a new amazing job I want to excel at, I have a nephew coming this summer, and I hope one day to have one of my own. My life will be better without alcohol in it, I know that. Im tired of losing the things I love. Im just fighting like hell not to lose this relationship. It really does sound like I need to let go and just be me. Focus on recovery and see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
welcome to SR!
congratulations on almost 2 months sober time.
Respect her wishes and who knows what could happen in a few months! I believe she may come around in time but not if you don't respect her wishes. I would wait for her to reach out to you. I hope it works out but most importantly I hope you continue to take care of yourself no matter what.
congratulations on almost 2 months sober time.
Respect her wishes and who knows what could happen in a few months! I believe she may come around in time but not if you don't respect her wishes. I would wait for her to reach out to you. I hope it works out but most importantly I hope you continue to take care of yourself no matter what.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
It's very frustrating in early recovery, when we know we are doing well, but others are not quick to see that. And, rightly so. I lied numerous times to my family and let them down. When I finally stopped drinking, I had to learn how to be patient. There was nothing I could do but work on my recovery and wait. Allow her to have her space and allow her to see you change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 15
Thank you all for the advice and support on my issue. I received an email that cleared things up a bit for me. At the very least I know where she is coming from and I am not confused anymore. It is time to focus on myself and take a step back. Stop fighting uphill battles and see what will develop over time. It may not be completely done, but its completely done for now. Its all I can do.
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