Dating Again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Dating Again
Hello All-
This senior citizen is dating again!
I admit to being surprised and delighted about this. Some of the younger people at work encouraged me to try a dating website. Two weeks later, I have been on 4 dates, have 2 more this weekend. So far I don't want to go on a second date with any of them, but it has been a positive experience.
I am trying to navigate this whole scene. Looked at a book called Dating for Dummies. Trying to decide - should I go to a mental health counselor? Should I talk things over with a non-dating Alanon sponsor? Is there some other way to learn about it? One of my dates was a nice man but too old for me - and he told me about his experiences and that helped me. I don't want to date him so I don't think it's fair to keep picking his brain. Might give him the wrong idea.
I was married 33 years and faithful. Never thought I would be here again.
This senior citizen is dating again!
I admit to being surprised and delighted about this. Some of the younger people at work encouraged me to try a dating website. Two weeks later, I have been on 4 dates, have 2 more this weekend. So far I don't want to go on a second date with any of them, but it has been a positive experience.
I am trying to navigate this whole scene. Looked at a book called Dating for Dummies. Trying to decide - should I go to a mental health counselor? Should I talk things over with a non-dating Alanon sponsor? Is there some other way to learn about it? One of my dates was a nice man but too old for me - and he told me about his experiences and that helped me. I don't want to date him so I don't think it's fair to keep picking his brain. Might give him the wrong idea.
I was married 33 years and faithful. Never thought I would be here again.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Q! This is awesome!
I think you should just enjoy yourself, don't overthink it.
You are a different, much different woman then you were when you were with your ex. You have a new set of tools to help you navigate life and relationships.
Enjoy!
I think you should just enjoy yourself, don't overthink it.
You are a different, much different woman then you were when you were with your ex. You have a new set of tools to help you navigate life and relationships.
Enjoy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Thanks-
It is so ... different. There is one man I am meeting Saturday and he is easy to talk to and has been so respectful and flattering without being smarmy.
He says the nicest things to me- things I haven't heard in years. I want to be careful not to go too fast and not to fall for an addict. So I plan to take things slow.
On this website-if the lead picture involves a bottle of bud or a red cup- I immediately push the reject button.
It is so ... different. There is one man I am meeting Saturday and he is easy to talk to and has been so respectful and flattering without being smarmy.
He says the nicest things to me- things I haven't heard in years. I want to be careful not to go too fast and not to fall for an addict. So I plan to take things slow.
On this website-if the lead picture involves a bottle of bud or a red cup- I immediately push the reject button.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Thank you Smallbutmighty. I do feel more confident in all my decisions. I am a totally different person from when I was in my twenties. Maybe I have to trust myself more. So far it has worked out this year with job, friends, life and things like that.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 516
I read a great book called "It's just a date". Some of it might sound silly but I thought it had great advice and was generally a fun book to read. I always treated dating and relationships so seriously but this book was all about having fun while getting to know new people.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it's great, as long as you GO SLOW and recognize that you are still figuring out who YOU really are after being tied to one person (and a dysfunctional one at that) for so long.
I think the biggest danger is that you will fall hard for someone who treats you well but otherwise isn't a good fit for you. Just take things easy, enjoy the dates, and be careful about going too far too fast.
I think the biggest danger is that you will fall hard for someone who treats you well but otherwise isn't a good fit for you. Just take things easy, enjoy the dates, and be careful about going too far too fast.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I think it's great, as long as you GO SLOW and recognize that you are still figuring out who YOU really are after being tied to one person (and a dysfunctional one at that) for so long.
I think the biggest danger is that you will fall hard for someone who treats you well but otherwise isn't a good fit for you. Just take things easy, enjoy the dates, and be careful about going too far too fast.
I think the biggest danger is that you will fall hard for someone who treats you well but otherwise isn't a good fit for you. Just take things easy, enjoy the dates, and be careful about going too far too fast.
Another thing she said - I don't have to deprive myself of joy. That was eye opening to me. It's ok and right to be happy and experience joy.
Have fun and remember you're the driver of your car. You decide who gets in, gets out and who you want to pull in a little closer
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi QTPI,
I'm in a similar boat to yours, dating people I'm meeting online, and really enjoying it. I think it's amazing and wonderful that it's possible to meet so many interesting, available people and hear their stories, regardless of whether it goes any further.
I just wanted to tell you that last night while I was working out in the gym, I started laughing out loud at your description of some of the online candidate's photos, complete with red plastic cups. Me too--I have the same reaction. And I think, really? WTF--are you still in college going to fraternity parties? And you think that makes you appealing to a grown up woman?
I'm in a similar boat to yours, dating people I'm meeting online, and really enjoying it. I think it's amazing and wonderful that it's possible to meet so many interesting, available people and hear their stories, regardless of whether it goes any further.
I just wanted to tell you that last night while I was working out in the gym, I started laughing out loud at your description of some of the online candidate's photos, complete with red plastic cups. Me too--I have the same reaction. And I think, really? WTF--are you still in college going to fraternity parties? And you think that makes you appealing to a grown up woman?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
QTPI, glad you're having fun and not taking it too seriously. I know some people who are quite capable of forming friendships with people they've met online, even if they don't want to take it further romantically. If you have this knack, don't feel bad about being honest but meeting for a coffee now and then.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
Wish I could figure out how to get into the dating scene but just can't do it. Lost my soulmate 16 yrs ago. Her faith wouldn't allow her to leave her abusive alky husband so she moved away with him to live miserably ever after. Looked at different sites but couldn't make a move. Severely codependent which ruined more than one relationship and leaves me just watching life go by. Take away the 3 perfect months with my soulmate and I have been alone for 38 years now. Therapy helps me cope but not change. I think the real problem is I don't believe in happiness anymore so who's going to share my misery.No one. Sorry for the downer rant but it is who I've become.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
I met two new men through two dates this weekend- Date #one looks better on paper- but I really like date #2. Still trying to keep an open mind- and actually if I had unlimited time, I could keep some of the other men as friends- but I enjoy other parts of life besides dating. Date #2 makes my veins sing! Probably not good. Trying to remember it's early. I also have a date #3 coming up this week. I have a couple of really good girlfriends who maybe can give me some perspective.... I don't want to be foolish and impulsive.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by qtpi
if I had unlimited time, I could keep some of the other men as friends- but I enjoy other parts of life besides dating.
Don't rush to cross people off your list because one seems slightly more "suitable" than the other. It takes time for some people to grow on you, and those can ultimately be more satisfying relationships than those with someone you have a fantastic first date with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Thanks Lexie- What I mean by the limited time thing is my life is full now with work, hobbies, and friends. I enjoy men and would like to have someone special and monogamous in my life.... but I only have so much free time during the week to go out on dates and with friends- now if I had a 48-hour day, it would be nice to throw in some extra friends-actually I already have friends, and I am not looking for another male "friend." I have a number of then already between work- and the hobbies I enjoy are with groups of men. So right now there are 3 men I am "dating." That is probably enough.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
I'm with you, QTPI. I'm seeing two men, though there are others who look like they might be interesting. I'm reminded of that wonderful discussion thread on "abundance" that came up a week or so ago here. It's really quite amazing to have such an easy way to meet like-minded people. It would be nice to meet more, if there were time.
Shortcuts I've figured out from my admittedly limited experience:
1. 'Shop' for the ones you like, rather than hoping the right guy finds you. Turns out (at least for me) that I'm pretty cognizant about whether or not I will like someone based on what he posts. It might be flattering to date others, but I'm usually not interested except as friends. And . . . see 'lack of time,' above.
2. Go out soon. There is no point in corresponding for long, as it's pretty clear when you meet in person whether or not you hit it off.
It's fun, isn't it?
Shortcuts I've figured out from my admittedly limited experience:
1. 'Shop' for the ones you like, rather than hoping the right guy finds you. Turns out (at least for me) that I'm pretty cognizant about whether or not I will like someone based on what he posts. It might be flattering to date others, but I'm usually not interested except as friends. And . . . see 'lack of time,' above.
2. Go out soon. There is no point in corresponding for long, as it's pretty clear when you meet in person whether or not you hit it off.
It's fun, isn't it?
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Hi sauerkraut- it is a lot of fun. I am surprised how much fun it is. It feels so much like "what I have been missing." I am laughing more- and I notice instead of being preoccupied with XAH and why didn't it work- yada, yada- instead of being worried about the upcoming division of property- I am thinking about my men and when I will see them again. It's almost like I have forgotten that the division of property is pending. It is easier to be totally involved in work- and totally involved in my hobbies. It is like I shifted my brain away - and suddenly the whole world has shifted.
One man I went out with this weekend really touched my heart. But it has only been one date. And I remind myself more will be revealed- and actually there is one red flag that I am checking out this weekend.- a discrepancy between what is on the internet and what he told me, he told me he hadn't updated his facebook-so excuse me people-- but I asked for proof that he is divorced. I told him I would bring a copy of my decree and I want to see his. He said he will bring it to our date Saturday. He seemed okay with my concern.
Over the past two weeks, I had been smitten- had the wonderful in-love feeling with him - that I haven't felt in 40 years! You know- colors are brighter, music is fabulous- high as a kite!! I didn't even feel this way with my husband. I remember this feeling as a teenager!!!
When I read on the facebook page, his status was "separated," It was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on me. I was angry. I took a deep breath and called him right away-was very calm, and said I needed the proof. Okay people, yes I may be overdoing it- but I don't like a liar. Can't tolerate it.
If he brings the proof that will be fine and we can go on.
So I guess I am learning about myself- that I am capable of crazy over-the-moon love- but also that I can see red flags-- at least I hope so- and that I won't sacrifice integrity and common sense for the tremendous dopamine rush of sexual attraction.
One man I went out with this weekend really touched my heart. But it has only been one date. And I remind myself more will be revealed- and actually there is one red flag that I am checking out this weekend.- a discrepancy between what is on the internet and what he told me, he told me he hadn't updated his facebook-so excuse me people-- but I asked for proof that he is divorced. I told him I would bring a copy of my decree and I want to see his. He said he will bring it to our date Saturday. He seemed okay with my concern.
Over the past two weeks, I had been smitten- had the wonderful in-love feeling with him - that I haven't felt in 40 years! You know- colors are brighter, music is fabulous- high as a kite!! I didn't even feel this way with my husband. I remember this feeling as a teenager!!!
When I read on the facebook page, his status was "separated," It was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on me. I was angry. I took a deep breath and called him right away-was very calm, and said I needed the proof. Okay people, yes I may be overdoing it- but I don't like a liar. Can't tolerate it.
If he brings the proof that will be fine and we can go on.
So I guess I am learning about myself- that I am capable of crazy over-the-moon love- but also that I can see red flags-- at least I hope so- and that I won't sacrifice integrity and common sense for the tremendous dopamine rush of sexual attraction.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 42
This post gives me so much hope and literally brought me to tears. I recently joined this site because I am going through hell with my abusive alcoholic husband. We have been married less than a year now and I am terrified of divorcing him and being alone. I am terrified of leaving him too soon and forsaking my wedding vows. I recently told his parents about his alcoholism and they are staging an intervention on Friday and I am terrified of the outcome.
But to see people dating again, especially after 3 decades of dealing with alcoholism in their lives, gives me so much hope. Thank you. What gave you the strength to walk away from your ex?
You are so strong, brave, and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story!
But to see people dating again, especially after 3 decades of dealing with alcoholism in their lives, gives me so much hope. Thank you. What gave you the strength to walk away from your ex?
You are so strong, brave, and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi qtpi,
I'm noticing that the red flags are more apparent to me, now, too. It feels great to have the experience and the adulthood that allows you to stand up for yourself and ask questions when concerns arise. Also, I share your appreciation for having fun and excitement again, even while still undergoing the slog of divorce issues. See my separate post on my ongoing sobriety monitoring battle with STBXAH; thinking about my new 'boyfriends' is far more enjoyable.
And yes, ScaredWife; there really is like on the other side. A better life, so far.
I'm noticing that the red flags are more apparent to me, now, too. It feels great to have the experience and the adulthood that allows you to stand up for yourself and ask questions when concerns arise. Also, I share your appreciation for having fun and excitement again, even while still undergoing the slog of divorce issues. See my separate post on my ongoing sobriety monitoring battle with STBXAH; thinking about my new 'boyfriends' is far more enjoyable.
And yes, ScaredWife; there really is like on the other side. A better life, so far.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Hi Scared wife,
When I thought about leaving, I considered all the downsides- and I really thought I would be alone the rest of my life- but that was better than being with an abusive alcoholic.
I loved myself and wanted a better life than what he was giving me. XAH did not love me and he mistreated me. With a husband like him- who needs enemies.
It has only been a year. You can get out. It is your life.
And if you stay with an abusive man, please don't get pregnant!
When I thought about leaving, I considered all the downsides- and I really thought I would be alone the rest of my life- but that was better than being with an abusive alcoholic.
I loved myself and wanted a better life than what he was giving me. XAH did not love me and he mistreated me. With a husband like him- who needs enemies.
It has only been a year. You can get out. It is your life.
And if you stay with an abusive man, please don't get pregnant!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I am terrified of leaving him too soon and forsaking my wedding vows.
What's too soon? Before he does you serious damage or just after so you know for sure? He already forsaken your wedding vows. He's an abusive drunk. He's broken all his vows to you. What will it take for you to put yourself into a safe environment? This intervention is just going to **** him off. You need to leave and stay left.
What's too soon? Before he does you serious damage or just after so you know for sure? He already forsaken your wedding vows. He's an abusive drunk. He's broken all his vows to you. What will it take for you to put yourself into a safe environment? This intervention is just going to **** him off. You need to leave and stay left.
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