Need husband help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Need husband help
My husband and I have been together 15 years. He's always abused alcohol, which gradually turned into a nearly every day thing and after years of lying, sneaking, blaming, etc he finally came to terms with his issues. He went to various counselors, mtgs, etc and over several years got to a point that he pretty much only slips once in a while (every couple months).
Around Christmas, after a few years of no significant issues he drank on lunch at work requiring me to drive 2 hours to pick him up. About a month later he chugged hard liquor at like 9am, proceeded to work from home, and then drove to pick up the kids after stating he was fine.
These were really hard blows for me. To have two very severe events after a significant decent streak made me lose all hope for the future. We were previously trying for another kid and that is toast. It's been almost 2 months and I'm still struggling to get over it. I feel like I have fallen out of love with him, we are coexisting.
The hard part is that, of course, now he is perfect. No drinking, saying and doing all of the right things, etc. He is a good man and I care for him but man! I don't want this anxiety, stress filled life!! I almost wished his drinking were more consistent. At least then I'd know. This once almost never drink straight vodka at 9am in random places is tough! You get over it just in time for another blow.
Does anyone else have people that drink like this??
Open to any related experiences, input, etc
Around Christmas, after a few years of no significant issues he drank on lunch at work requiring me to drive 2 hours to pick him up. About a month later he chugged hard liquor at like 9am, proceeded to work from home, and then drove to pick up the kids after stating he was fine.
These were really hard blows for me. To have two very severe events after a significant decent streak made me lose all hope for the future. We were previously trying for another kid and that is toast. It's been almost 2 months and I'm still struggling to get over it. I feel like I have fallen out of love with him, we are coexisting.
The hard part is that, of course, now he is perfect. No drinking, saying and doing all of the right things, etc. He is a good man and I care for him but man! I don't want this anxiety, stress filled life!! I almost wished his drinking were more consistent. At least then I'd know. This once almost never drink straight vodka at 9am in random places is tough! You get over it just in time for another blow.
Does anyone else have people that drink like this??
Open to any related experiences, input, etc
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, batchel. This is a great place for education and support, and I'm glad you found your way here.
The forum is full of people in similar situations to yours. Reading around "Family and Friends" will show you TONS of related experiences. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--lots of good info there, too.
What you're describing doesn't sound to me like any kind of real recovery on your AH's part. Regular "slips", drinking interfering w/work, driving your kids while drunk, drinking in the early AM...he may have managed to "turn down the volume" enough that you've chosen to stay in the marriage so far, but since alcoholism is a progressive disease, his ability to manage it will decline (and apparently is declining) as time passes.
In addition, the fact that you say "now he is perfect" further convinces me that he's doing just enough to keep the status quo rather than actually trying to quit. He reels you back in, puts out the fires, and then does it all over again in a week or a month or a few months. This is someone trying to "manage" his drinking, not someone serious about recovery/sobriety.
You mention AH going to counselors and meetings--what has your own recovery involved so far? Some education, which you can certainly find here and at Alanon, is probably a good place to start.
Hoping to hear more from you in the days to come.
Originally Posted by batchel9 
Does anyone else have people that drink like this??
Open to any related experiences, input, etc
Open to any related experiences, input, etc
What you're describing doesn't sound to me like any kind of real recovery on your AH's part. Regular "slips", drinking interfering w/work, driving your kids while drunk, drinking in the early AM...he may have managed to "turn down the volume" enough that you've chosen to stay in the marriage so far, but since alcoholism is a progressive disease, his ability to manage it will decline (and apparently is declining) as time passes.
In addition, the fact that you say "now he is perfect" further convinces me that he's doing just enough to keep the status quo rather than actually trying to quit. He reels you back in, puts out the fires, and then does it all over again in a week or a month or a few months. This is someone trying to "manage" his drinking, not someone serious about recovery/sobriety.
You mention AH going to counselors and meetings--what has your own recovery involved so far? Some education, which you can certainly find here and at Alanon, is probably a good place to start.
Hoping to hear more from you in the days to come.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: undecided
Posts: 59
Hi batchel9,
I'm also new here and others have much more knowledge and experience. I just wanted to say that I can fully empathise with the uncertainty and anxiety you're feeling. My AW would also seem ok for some stretches and then "slip." The constant worrying about whether she was drinking or was about to drink was terrible. Right now I've asked her to move out for some time so that she can work on herself and I can be free of the stress, if only temporarily.
I don't want to tell you there's no hope, cos I'm clinging to hope myself! I do think that your husband is going to continue drinking unless there is some real, profound change. You mentioned he went to meetings and counsellors. Does he accept he has a problem, has he made a commitment to quit, is he still following some kind of program or plan? None of these things can guarantee sobriety, but they are a necessary minimum for things to improve.
In the meantime I'd suggest you try to find some way to "detach" from his drinking. I know that sounds impossible! But you need some way to try to regain some peace of mind. It's very hard to do if you're around the alcoholic all the time. The essential point is that you have to take care of yourself, as you can't control his actions.
I'm also new here and others have much more knowledge and experience. I just wanted to say that I can fully empathise with the uncertainty and anxiety you're feeling. My AW would also seem ok for some stretches and then "slip." The constant worrying about whether she was drinking or was about to drink was terrible. Right now I've asked her to move out for some time so that she can work on herself and I can be free of the stress, if only temporarily.
I don't want to tell you there's no hope, cos I'm clinging to hope myself! I do think that your husband is going to continue drinking unless there is some real, profound change. You mentioned he went to meetings and counsellors. Does he accept he has a problem, has he made a commitment to quit, is he still following some kind of program or plan? None of these things can guarantee sobriety, but they are a necessary minimum for things to improve.
In the meantime I'd suggest you try to find some way to "detach" from his drinking. I know that sounds impossible! But you need some way to try to regain some peace of mind. It's very hard to do if you're around the alcoholic all the time. The essential point is that you have to take care of yourself, as you can't control his actions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Thank you! I have recently been going to counseling but I think I need to go to something more substance abuse related. I have resisted going to Alanon because I was convinced that alanon would be teaching me how to live with it. And I don't want to "live with it". I'm probably coming to the realization that this will always be an issue and never go away though 
What do people mean when they say alcoholism is progressive?? Help me understand that.
What should I be encouraging my husband to do? He really seems to want to stop but I think he doesn't know what to do. The last issues scared him too. Currently he is on Antabuse medication by choice because he was afraid of a downward spiral.
What do people mean when they say alcoholism is progressive?? Help me understand that.
What should I be encouraging my husband to do? He really seems to want to stop but I think he doesn't know what to do. The last issues scared him too. Currently he is on Antabuse medication by choice because he was afraid of a downward spiral.
Originally Posted by honeypig
Welcome to SR, batchel. This is a great place for education and support, and I'm glad you found your way here.
The forum is full of people in similar situations to yours. Reading around "Family and Friends" will show you TONS of related experiences. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--lots of good info there, too.
What you're describing doesn't sound to me like any kind of real recovery on your AH's part. Regular "slips", drinking interfering w/work, driving your kids while drunk, drinking in the early AM...he may have managed to "turn down the volume" enough that you've chosen to stay in the marriage so far, but since alcoholism is a progressive disease, his ability to manage it will decline (and apparently is declining) as time passes.
In addition, the fact that you say "now he is perfect" further convinces me that he's doing just enough to keep the status quo rather than actually trying to quit. He reels you back in, puts out the fires, and then does it all over again in a week or a month or a few months. This is someone trying to "manage" his drinking, not someone serious about recovery/sobriety.
You mention AH going to counselors and meetings--what has your own recovery involved so far? Some education, which you can certainly find here and at Alanon, is probably a good place to start.
Hoping to hear more from you in the days to come.
The forum is full of people in similar situations to yours. Reading around "Family and Friends" will show you TONS of related experiences. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--lots of good info there, too.
What you're describing doesn't sound to me like any kind of real recovery on your AH's part. Regular "slips", drinking interfering w/work, driving your kids while drunk, drinking in the early AM...he may have managed to "turn down the volume" enough that you've chosen to stay in the marriage so far, but since alcoholism is a progressive disease, his ability to manage it will decline (and apparently is declining) as time passes.
In addition, the fact that you say "now he is perfect" further convinces me that he's doing just enough to keep the status quo rather than actually trying to quit. He reels you back in, puts out the fires, and then does it all over again in a week or a month or a few months. This is someone trying to "manage" his drinking, not someone serious about recovery/sobriety.
You mention AH going to counselors and meetings--what has your own recovery involved so far? Some education, which you can certainly find here and at Alanon, is probably a good place to start.
Hoping to hear more from you in the days to come.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I think you'd get a lot out of Al-anon. Try a few meetings and you might find it a life-saver.
Your AH hasn't accepted he can never drink so things aren't hopeful. I agree this allowing himself to slip every now and then would make you anxious, and also stop him from becoming sober in the long run.
We As have finely tuned brain receptors to alcohol which means even after a long period of sobriety, a drink here and there can light them up like a Christmas tree. I'm not saying this is the case, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's taking a sip now and then in secret, or he'll start doing it again.
Would rehab be possible? It seems like he needs to reset and commit to life-time sobriety, and he hasn't reached that point yet. It might take you leaving before he does.
Your AH hasn't accepted he can never drink so things aren't hopeful. I agree this allowing himself to slip every now and then would make you anxious, and also stop him from becoming sober in the long run.
We As have finely tuned brain receptors to alcohol which means even after a long period of sobriety, a drink here and there can light them up like a Christmas tree. I'm not saying this is the case, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's taking a sip now and then in secret, or he'll start doing it again.
Would rehab be possible? It seems like he needs to reset and commit to life-time sobriety, and he hasn't reached that point yet. It might take you leaving before he does.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, batchel. Welcome to SR. I agree with other posters that you might find Al-Anon meetings helpful. People in the fellowship don't sit around talking about their loved ones' drunken shenanigans, nor do they encourage each other to live with the problem drinker. It is a positive, supportive environment that helps us find clarity and serenity. All the meetings are different. If you don't like the general feel of one, find another that you do like.
When people state that alcoholism is a progressive condition, they mean that for most people with a drinking problem, it takes more and more alcohol to get the person to their happy spot. Often, it presents as increased alcohol consumption that may begin earlier and earlier in the day.
I understand your anxiety. One thing I would do is to absolutely bar your husband from drinking and driving with the kids in the car. That is scary!
Peace.
When people state that alcoholism is a progressive condition, they mean that for most people with a drinking problem, it takes more and more alcohol to get the person to their happy spot. Often, it presents as increased alcohol consumption that may begin earlier and earlier in the day.
I understand your anxiety. One thing I would do is to absolutely bar your husband from drinking and driving with the kids in the car. That is scary!
Peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
batchel....alanon is for You. They don't tell you to leave or to stay....that is completely up to you....Alanon can help you to get in touch with yourself and make your own decsisions.
I don't know what kind of a program that your husband is working....
If he is just "white knuckling".....which lots of alcoholics try to do....his chances of long term sobriety drop to practically zero....
It is the fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink "sometimes". an alcoholic can never have another drink...ever....and t hey have to learn to accept that and, live with that.
Resistance to treatment is not uncommon.....
You will have to come to term of what that means for you....
I suggest that you go to the "stickies" listed above the threads on the main page....
Go to the one called "Classic Reading"....and, read the article called "Ten ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"......It is a pretty good yardstick to know how serious they might be about achieving lasting recovery.....
I don't know what kind of a program that your husband is working....
If he is just "white knuckling".....which lots of alcoholics try to do....his chances of long term sobriety drop to practically zero....
It is the fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink "sometimes". an alcoholic can never have another drink...ever....and t hey have to learn to accept that and, live with that.
Resistance to treatment is not uncommon.....
You will have to come to term of what that means for you....
I suggest that you go to the "stickies" listed above the threads on the main page....
Go to the one called "Classic Reading"....and, read the article called "Ten ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"......It is a pretty good yardstick to know how serious they might be about achieving lasting recovery.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sometimes it takes checking out a couple different Alanon groups. The tiny town I am in has a small group - and most of them were pretty happy to stay in their relationships. When I showed up there, I knew that wasn't what I wanted. In fact when I told one of the gals I wanted to leave, she told me I shouldn't make any big decisions for a year, and that rubbed me wrong.
8 Miles away in a larger town, I tried a couple different meetings and it was way different. I love the meetings there, and I still hit them on my lunch hour from time to time. In fact, I still go to the meeting in my tiny town from time to time to do the readings and chat with everyone there...I've learned to take what I need from that one and leave the rest.
It can be a life-saver. For me, every time I went, it took a terrible day and turned it right around, and gave me a lot of clarity and support. Hang in there - it won't be this way forever, and you deserve a happy life on YOUR timeline!
8 Miles away in a larger town, I tried a couple different meetings and it was way different. I love the meetings there, and I still hit them on my lunch hour from time to time. In fact, I still go to the meeting in my tiny town from time to time to do the readings and chat with everyone there...I've learned to take what I need from that one and leave the rest.
It can be a life-saver. For me, every time I went, it took a terrible day and turned it right around, and gave me a lot of clarity and support. Hang in there - it won't be this way forever, and you deserve a happy life on YOUR timeline!
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