Spartanman

Well, I drank yesterday - and today I feel like garbage, big surprise. I drank on three different days during the month of January, 2017 ... Now it's been four different days that I drank during the month of February.

Each time I drank I got ripped off my head of course. Each time it started as a "screw it, let's have a couple of pints" sort of thought and then I auto-piloted to the pub. Next thing I am having a few more and then buying tall boys to take home with me. Stupid.

There is this stupid thought in the back of my brain that says, "Only three days last month, that's really good compared to your years of daily drinking !!!" Really dumb thought, I have to shut down that part of my brain. I can't afford to drink ever! Don't want to end up where I was at the end of 2015 or fall of 2016 ... Just because it was three days and four days over the last two months, I am obviously still addicted to alcohol and on the road to ruin if I let this back into my life.

On the positive side, the reduced number of days spent drinking or hung over (after I had been doing well at end of 2016) has helped me start to repair my relationship with my wife ...

I really do enjoy sobriety so much better than drinking. Drinking is terrible, useless, life-stealing.

Got to re-up my plan to "never drink again and never change my mind"

Anna

Hi Spartanman, I'm glad you posted. I hope that you can find something to add to your program that will help you to stay sober.

NewRomanMan

The two most dangerous words for an alcoholic are "screw it" or "f**k it".
Once that attitude gets the upper hand, a drink is only minutes away.

Spartanman

You are absolutely right. How do you prevent yourself from getting to that point ?

Ariesagain

The problem with relapses is that every time makes it just that crucial tiny bit more of an option the next time we're tempted.

An analogy...we have gfci (ground fault circuit interruptors) on some of our outside lights. Once they trip...they trip a little easier the next time and the next time until you have to replace the whole stupid thing.

Hey, I didn't say it was an ENTERTAINING analogy...

Quit tripping your circuit, okay?

Spartanman

Haha I like that analogy. I have been tripping my circuit! I can see this pattern leading back to another bottom in short order. Got to stop tripping my circuit

doggonecarl

You know how. You stated the solution in you initial post:

The difficulty in doing this has been your acceptance that relapse is okay. You wrote: "Only three days last month, that's really good compared to your years of daily drinking."

You called them "stupid thoughts" but they aren't stupid enough to keep you from listening to them. Some part of you is excusing the relapse. And as long as you leave the door open to drinking, you'll drink.

Scruffanie

I'm no expert..but it seems to me I have to identify the reasons I drank in the first place and for me that seems to have been extreme emotions, happy, sad, hurt....I just didn't like to feel. Now I'm working on a plan for those moments. So far my plan is read/post on SR, get to meetings, ring my Sponsor, focus on someone else....and not be scared of the feelings.

Prayers to you Spartanman, I hope you can find some tools to add to your toolkit that will stop you from taking that first drink.

Spartanman

Thanks Carl. Your statement, "some part of you is excusing the relapse" really hits home. I have to stop making excuses.

Spartanman

Thank you Scruffanie - I have identified some similar triggers, especially work stress, anxiety, and getting really hungry (alcohol was my main source of calories for years). I'm focused on implementing my plan for those moments to prevent further lapses.

thomas11

I think its important that you know where this is headed....as stated in the title of your OP (flirtin with disaster). If you take this recent behavior to its logical conclusion, you know where it is headed. You are wise and smart to post about it now before it gets to that.

bexxed

This. Doggone Carl, FTW.

ScottFromWI

For me I had to stop looking for "triggers". I drank because I was an alcoholic, so i could literally have used anything as a "trigger" to drink. Happy? Drink. Sad? Drink. Good day? Drink to Celebrate. Bad day? Drink to console. .......and so on and so forth. You could also make a case that trigger=excuse.

Accepting the following was imperative for me to move forward

1. I cannot control my drinking once I start.
2. Not drinking anything/ever is the only solution.
3. I can never change #1

Midwest1981

you have to do something else when you feel like saying "screw it". Eating a big meal, going to the gym, finding a hobby...anything to ride out those feelings.

Remember H.A.L.T. Don't let yourself get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Especially in the early days.

Gottalife

By ditching the two even more most dangerous phrases for the alcoholic, "yes but" and " I know".

Algorithm

Consider changing gears.

Instead of trying to 'shut down' (debate?) those thoughts, simply stare them down, by recognizing them for what they are.

They are not 'stupid thoughts', they are simply the rational expression of your addiction's instinctive need to survive and to perpetuate itself. They are as rational as your own desire to avoid alcoholic ruin.

Any thinking that contradicts "I will never drink again" in any way, shape or form, is simply the voice of your addiction. This 'trigger' and 'lapse' business, for example.

If you are never going to drink again, and will never change your mind, doesn't the idea of being 'triggered' to drink some more during a 'lapse' sound a little out of place?

Delilah1

Hi Spartanman,

I'm glad you are back. I had many day ones in the past as well. I now have 14 months of sobriety, and this site has been my biggest support.

I read and post here daily. The first few days/weeks I planned out every moment of my free time for a bit. I went to the gym, yoga. Walks, planned activities with my kids, bubble baths, cooked, read... anything besides drinking. If the thought of drinking popped into my head I played the tape through, I had read that on here for years, and felt like it was a cliche, but it was so true. I thought about how I would feel the next morning if I drank, I knew I didn't want to be hungover, or back to square one again.

You should join the March of 2017 class. It helps to have the support of others at the same point in recovery.

The 24 hour thread is another great place, it is a friendly, and encouraging group, and you can make the commitment to remain sober for the next 24 hours. Suze keeps a list and you will get to see your name each day, and also celebrate weekly/monthly milestones. It is one of my favorite places on SR. Here is the link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-215-a.html

You can do this!!!

Dee74

I'm glad you're came right back spartanman.

for me I had to accept it was the first drink that bought everything else with it...not the last drink.

It's the engine that gets ya - not the caboose.

D

August252015

THIS.
THIS.
THIS.

I know you feel crappy today- take care of yourself.

What is your plan beyond "never drink again and never change my mind" - what to do (actively) to support that IDEA? I'm an avid AA-er so that's always my suggestion. Regardless of what you choose, most of us will tell you that a program of support and action is key to real and lasting sobriety, one day at a time.

Good luck.

Wholesome

I'm guilty of this kind of thinking myself!

"Well at least I don't drink every day like I used to." "It's only on the weekend so it's not that bad."

What I have finally accepted after YEARS of starts and stops and lies and excuses is that it's not the frequency or amounts that I'm drinking but what the drink does to me. How it affects me. The moment it enters my system I change, my personality changes and my party animal BEAST comes out to wreak havoc until the booze is gone or I can't drink anymore. The only solution is to not drink. Period. Full Stop. Ever.