How do I make amends?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
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How do I make amends?
I was talking to my alcoholic boyfriend last night. He had been going to meetings for a few weeks , but was drinking again last night. For months before this, he would say he knows he feels like he is dying, he would send texts in the middle of the night saying he knows he needs to change something, etc.. Last night we were talking about this, and he jokingly said to me, " aw, you're killing me. " To which I replied, "No, you're doing a pretty good job of that yourself." It just came right out of my mouth. I knew it was insensitive the moment I said it, and he blew up in a rage . He said he couldn't believe I would take his most vulnerable weakness and throw it back in his face like that, etc... I was shocked by the degree to which it upset him, but realize I shouldn't have said it in such an off handed manner. When I reflect, I know anger and frustration were behind my comment. I wanted to say,
" Wake up, and stop killing yourself slowly with alcohol!" Instead I said what I did. I am new to al anon and the whole idea that I, too, have a problem. So, how do I let him know how sorry I am about what I said and take responsibility for my part? Any advice on how to go about doing this?
" Wake up, and stop killing yourself slowly with alcohol!" Instead I said what I did. I am new to al anon and the whole idea that I, too, have a problem. So, how do I let him know how sorry I am about what I said and take responsibility for my part? Any advice on how to go about doing this?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wouldn't overthink this. If he's still drinking, then it doesn't matter how "sensitively" you put it, he will feel attacked.
What you said was the truth. Maybe you would have been better off just ignoring his "you're killing me." Lesson learned. If you make a big speech about it, you are inviting him to allow you to take responsibility for his feelings. His feelings are HIS problem.
And welcome! If you don't have a sponsor yet in Al-Anon, I highly recommend that you get one. She can guide you when it comes to things like "amends" (which are pretty far down the list of the Steps).
What you said was the truth. Maybe you would have been better off just ignoring his "you're killing me." Lesson learned. If you make a big speech about it, you are inviting him to allow you to take responsibility for his feelings. His feelings are HIS problem.
And welcome! If you don't have a sponsor yet in Al-Anon, I highly recommend that you get one. She can guide you when it comes to things like "amends" (which are pretty far down the list of the Steps).
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Hell hath no fury like an alcoholic confronted about their drinking.
You could say your sorry, and that you didn't mean to hurt his feelings, or have it come out that way.
However, you are entitled to YOUR feelings. You are allowed to say that you are scared he's drinking himself to death. And frankly, and in my experience, the reaction will be the same no matter how you word it.
You could say your sorry, and that you didn't mean to hurt his feelings, or have it come out that way.
However, you are entitled to YOUR feelings. You are allowed to say that you are scared he's drinking himself to death. And frankly, and in my experience, the reaction will be the same no matter how you word it.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
How about this.
You don't owe him any amends. Anything you did poorly, you did in response to an action taken by him.
Not everyone that recovers believes that Al-Anon and it's steps are how we get there.
I never made amends to my ex. And I have no I'll feelings towards myself about it. I would like to think I live and conduct myself with integrity. The only times I feel like I had to question that, was when it was dealing with the wreck of a life my XAGF was causing.
We are not the problem. Despite that they like us to be.
You don't owe him any amends. Anything you did poorly, you did in response to an action taken by him.
Not everyone that recovers believes that Al-Anon and it's steps are how we get there.
I never made amends to my ex. And I have no I'll feelings towards myself about it. I would like to think I live and conduct myself with integrity. The only times I feel like I had to question that, was when it was dealing with the wreck of a life my XAGF was causing.
We are not the problem. Despite that they like us to be.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
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If it were me I wouldn't have apologized for anything. You said what you said and it was the truth. Alcoholics hate the truth. If he blew up in a rage it's because you exposed his lie. You don't owe him anything, IMHO. Humility should have been his response. Something along the lines of "I know deep down you're right". Not his pretentious rage against you're so called insensitivity. Keep calling him out on his bull**it. Somebody has to tell him the truth. It may as well be you.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I agree. Nothing to be sorry for imo. You said the truth. How he chooses to take it is his problem. Reminds me of when me exah had two cprs and a massive bleed out due to his duodenum perforating cos of his drinking. I arrived at the hospital and he was hooked up to a morphine pump, ivf, 6 drains in his wound and a catheter and he said "Don't start. This is nothing to do with my drinking." Still in denial he was killing himself.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
You don't owe him any apologies for this one - unless quick apology will help you - then go for it. I find this triggering.
I was cursed with an alcoholic spouse who, by trade, is very skilled in building arguments. He has been in AA for the most of his life as well - he could tell me ALL about my problems and how I did this and said that and it made him feel this and that. And, for years, I believed him. My mom still defends him by saying that I took away his man card by making all the money. Well, sorry, I have marketable skills and don't want to leave in poverty. He chose not to work and have hurt feelings about my success. And that made him drink.
IMO - what you said is not even mean, it is the truth, I would not even place in sarcastic category.
Please do yourself a favor and do not overthink this - actuve alcoholics are petulant manipulative children and there is no way to please them.
I was cursed with an alcoholic spouse who, by trade, is very skilled in building arguments. He has been in AA for the most of his life as well - he could tell me ALL about my problems and how I did this and said that and it made him feel this and that. And, for years, I believed him. My mom still defends him by saying that I took away his man card by making all the money. Well, sorry, I have marketable skills and don't want to leave in poverty. He chose not to work and have hurt feelings about my success. And that made him drink.
IMO - what you said is not even mean, it is the truth, I would not even place in sarcastic category.
Please do yourself a favor and do not overthink this - actuve alcoholics are petulant manipulative children and there is no way to please them.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
is it possible you "feel bad" because of his RAGE? nothing like the tiger's roar to send the mice scurrying!
he was also DRINKING. no recovery involved. no need to apologize, you didn't disparage his mother, nor say anything that wasn't absolute truth.
if you are new to 12 step recovery yourself, you've read enough to see the word amends. remember, that is part of a lengthy PROCESS. don't pick and choose and skip around. if you are serious about doing the internal work required, start at Step One. do each step thoroughly and to the best of your ability. they are in a certain order for a reason.
he was also DRINKING. no recovery involved. no need to apologize, you didn't disparage his mother, nor say anything that wasn't absolute truth.
if you are new to 12 step recovery yourself, you've read enough to see the word amends. remember, that is part of a lengthy PROCESS. don't pick and choose and skip around. if you are serious about doing the internal work required, start at Step One. do each step thoroughly and to the best of your ability. they are in a certain order for a reason.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Sounds like your comment took him by surprise. Do you and he talk about his drinking and how you feel about it? If not, and if this was the first out loud recognition by you that he drinks too much, then I would expect he would be surprised, and react the way he did.
If you have discussed it, then I would put it down to the alcoholic's defensiveness about consumption.
As others have said, I don't think an apology is necessary. I would just move on.
If you have discussed it, then I would put it down to the alcoholic's defensiveness about consumption.
As others have said, I don't think an apology is necessary. I would just move on.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Sounds like your comment took him by surprise. Do you and he talk about his drinking and how you feel about it? If not, and if this was the first out loud recognition by you that he drinks too much, then I would expect he would be surprised, and react the way he did.
If you have discussed it, then I would put it down to the alcoholic's defensiveness about consumption.
As others have said, I don't think an apology is necessary. I would just move on.
If you have discussed it, then I would put it down to the alcoholic's defensiveness about consumption.
As others have said, I don't think an apology is necessary. I would just move on.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, then I guess it would behoove him to take some action to HEAL the damn wound, rather than making a mocking joke about your expression of concern ("aw, you're killing me"). Seriously, isn't he the one who started with the snark first, when you were trying to have a serious discussion? What about YOUR feelings? Do you think he's worried about how he made YOU feel?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
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It's not your fault for pressing his "greatest most exposed wound". It's his responsibility to make an effort to heal it. You're also not responsible for avoiding any of his "triggers". That's all alcoholic manipulation and avoidance on his part. It's a pity party. Oh woe is me. Look at me the poor alcoholic. Has me made any effort to think about what his alcoholism is doing to those around him who love him? Don't buy what he's selling. You're not responsible for HIS pain. He is.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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We have talked about it, to great lengths over the last couple of years.
and where has that got you?
and who does that?
A: man i really think my leg is broken in two places, gosh it hurts, it's just killing me.
B: why don't you go see a doctor about getting it fixed?
A: Rage, Bluster, Deflect
aren't YOU getting tired of having the same conversation over and over and over again? sounds depressing.
and where has that got you?
and who does that?
A: man i really think my leg is broken in two places, gosh it hurts, it's just killing me.
B: why don't you go see a doctor about getting it fixed?
A: Rage, Bluster, Deflect
aren't YOU getting tired of having the same conversation over and over and over again? sounds depressing.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by NewRomanMan
It's not your fault for pressing his "greatest most exposed wound". It's his responsibility to make an effort to heal it. You're also not responsible for avoiding any of his "triggers". That's all alcoholic manipulation and avoidance on his part. It's a pity party. Oh woe is me. Look at me the poor alcoholic. Has me made any effort to think about what his alcoholism is doing to those around him who love him? Don't buy what he's selling. You're not responsible for HIS pain. He is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
We have talked about it, to great lengths over the last couple of years.
and where has that got you?
and who does that?
A: man i really think my leg is broken in two places, gosh it hurts, it's just killing me.
B: why don't you go see a doctor about getting it fixed?
A: Rage, Bluster, Deflect
aren't YOU getting tired of having the same conversation over and over and over again? sounds depressing.
and where has that got you?
and who does that?
A: man i really think my leg is broken in two places, gosh it hurts, it's just killing me.
B: why don't you go see a doctor about getting it fixed?
A: Rage, Bluster, Deflect
aren't YOU getting tired of having the same conversation over and over and over again? sounds depressing.
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