Am I doing the right thing? Please help

Old 02-26-2017, 11:08 AM
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Question Am I doing the right thing? Please help

Hey, this is my first time posting here but I really need some reassurance. I am 18 and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3.5 years. She is 23, but the age difference never seemed to be a factor in our relationship. I know that's hard to believe, but even my parents thought she was a great match for me, so trust me on that I guess.

We were together happily until about a year ago, when her drinking stared to become a serious problem. Because she was over 21 and I was not, she would go out with her older friends and drink, and it would always seem to me, through her friends and my own observations, that she was drinking too much. Sometimes I would walk in on her drunk in her dorm with no one else around. She would drink at work and ALWAYS before any kind of social situation. The last straw for her friends was when she went on a cruise with them and got her alcohol privileges taken away due to excessive and disruptive drinking. Her best friend messaged me and told me about it and I talked with her, and she decided to get sober.

She was able to do so for a few months, from around April to around late August, and then she had a huge relapse. Later she told me "I started and then once it began I never really stopped drinking." She would call me and cry incoherently to me about how she hated her job. She went out with me to a concert she bought me tickets to for my birthday totally drunk. She would be passed out when I would arrive at her place to hang out with her. She claimed she had mono and utterly refused anytime I brought up her drinking. Finally I caught her with bottles in her apartment, and she admitted to it all. She felt terrible and promised she would stop. She started going to AA and really becoming a part of the community. Our relationship was really happy for a few more months. I loved her so much and she loved me too.

Then, I caught her with more. She had been sober for almost two months, and then had relapsed again. I felt utterly crushed, but decided to stick it out because she was really trying and we loved each other. And then, two a month after that, it happened again. That was on January 10th. I promised her I would help her through this, and I would go the next morning to her AA meeting to pick up a new white chip, and she started over. After that I saw the best improvement from her I had ever seen, she was doing so well and we were both so proud of her.

This past Thursday I caught her again. I am so crushed. I am so tired, and I feel so broken. I am just a kid, and I am trying so hard to live with this reality of loving someone so much that is continuously hurting themselves. I broke up with her the next day. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't like she wasn't trying to get better, it wasn't like she wasn't trying her hardest to be a good girlfriend. It just is too serious and heavy a relationship to carry, especially since I am leaving to go to college this fall and when things were good we were talking about moving together.

I am not sure I have done the right thing and I just feel so sad, and I miss her, and neither one of us deserves the terrible things we've been put through by this. Please help me and tell me if I have done the right thing, and how to cope, and maybe just that I'm a good person and not leaving and hurting a wonderful thing in my life. I really need it right now.
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Old 02-26-2017, 11:22 AM
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As hard as it is for you to be going through this, I was so grateful to see that you have ended this relationship. No one could have said it better...you are just a kid, although you seem wise and kind beyond your years.

Stay away from her. Far, far away. This is a time in your life to have a zillion options and opportunities and to enjoy being young. This is no time, if there ever is one, to chain yourself to someone with advanced alcohol addiction. If she ever recovers, she has to do it on her own and by herself. Period.

You are a very good person and you have done the right thing for both of you.

Of course you will miss her, but at eighteen, relationships aren't meant to be permanent anyway. They are about learning who you are and what you want in your life.

I am impressed with your judgment. Good for you!
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Old 02-26-2017, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by bnknzr View Post
Please help me and tell me if I have done the right thing, and how to cope, and maybe just that I'm a good person and not leaving and hurting a wonderful thing in my life. I really need it right now.
Hi, bnknzr--welcome to SR. Yes, you have absolutely done the right thing. This woman will get better or not on her own, NOT based on what you do or don't do for her, NOT based on whether or not you are in your life. You have done both of you a great service--you've saved yourself years of the pain, confusion and sorrow that come with living with an active A, and you've turned her over to her own Higher Power to learn, grow and get sober or NOT get sober.

You are not only a good person, you are a healthy and strong person with a good head on your shoulders.

I hope you can spend some time reading around this forum. I'm sure you'll find some posts that resonate w/you, and you'll likely learn a lot about alcoholism too. Make sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page; they are a great resource and you can learn a lot there.

Please come here to read and post as much as you wish. There is a lot of experience and wisdom shared here. Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
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Old 02-26-2017, 11:25 AM
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It's okay to be sad. You miss her. She is doing some serious drinking right now. Maybe she'll get past that. Maybe she won't. You have decided that this can't be part of your life at this time, which is probably wise.
You can't love her into recovery. If that were possible, this forum wouldn't exist. Good luck.
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Old 02-26-2017, 11:36 AM
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Hi bnknzr, I think you are not an amazing young man who found his way out of an extremely hurtful situation. I do think you made the correct decision by ending this relationship and realizing you are a young man with a whole big future ahead of you and that you did all you could have possibly done for her. You were supportive of her in her attempts to get sober but sometimes they just are not ready to really give it up and get serious about their recovery.

Ending relationships is never easy and we are filled with all kinds of mixed emotions and question ourselves on if we did in fact make the correct decision.
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Old 02-26-2017, 11:41 AM
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Welcome to SR Bnkszr. This is a great place to find support.

You have done the absolutely right thing. To me leaving an alcoholic is an absolute act of love; you are letting her do what she needs to do and at the same time taking care of yourself. This is not puppy/hallmark/cotton-candy love; it is the real heartbreaking thing . . . I am very impressed with what you have done and who you appear to be.
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Old 02-26-2017, 11:48 AM
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I feel pretty safe in suggesting that Atalose didn't mean to include the word "not" in that first sentence ...
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Old 02-26-2017, 11:57 AM
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YES you did the right thing. It's sad for sure but this isn't your problem to fix - even if you stayed and no matter how much you love her. There is nothing you can do. It is totally up to her. Maybe she'll find her way out, maybe not.

I was with an addict when I was in college. All the love in the world didn't stop the abuse, the theft, the nonstop lies and broken promises. We had times of sobriety, even over a year at one point, but in the end I didn't want to live my life always waiting for the next relapse. After four years I left and it was the best decision I ever made.

You sound like a really nice guy. You have your whole life ahead of you. Learn from this and make good choices. God bless.
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:17 PM
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Yes, you did the right thing. Your ex is not hopeless; it took my first husband a few tries before he got sober at age 21. He finally did, though, and he's now been sober 37 years. I know many similar stories. But it's a path she can and should walk alone. You sound like you've been very supportive and encouraging, but ultimately the secret to sobriety lies within. And there's no reason you should have to continue to suffer while she works this out.

For some alcoholics the losses have to add up to a certain critical mass before real surrender and change is possible. You don't need to stick around for that.

Just sending you a hug. For a "kid" you have shown very mature judgment.
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:19 PM
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You sound wise beyond your 18 years. It sounds like the absolute best thing to have done to end this toxic and draining relationship. If there is any silver lining to it, it is the fact that you will see the warning signs going forward and know what the path would likely be like to get involved with someone with active addiction issues. I am sorry for all you have had to go through. It sounds exhausting and difficult.
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:24 PM
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Hi Bnknzer,
I am so sorry that you had to experience that loss. Although you are out of the relationship, and regardless of if you return to it, I would highly recommend you check out some Al-Anon literature, and if you are up to it, a meeting or two. I have found that many people like me are attracted to alcoholic and addictive personalities. Since few of us want to spend our life alone, it is a good idea, at least for me, to make sure I am at the top of my game if I am going to deal with these issues in my life. Self-love and recovery from the effects of alcoholism, whether it be a parent, child, spouse, boss, or significant other, is important for us to move on and continue growing in our journey to be ok, regardless whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

You may choose not to do that now, but keep it in mind. You might notice that there are a lot of alcoholics and addicts out there, and that many pass through your life. Al-Anon has given me a place to be safe, have people in my life who have been through many of the same experiences, and have gone on to grow through them and become happier and stronger than before.

I wish you the best on your journey. Magic
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:34 PM
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bnk....you did the right thing, for the both of you.
I don't know where you are going to go to college...but, you will likely see many people, there, who are beginning the early journey of alcoholism. drinking is rampant in many parts of college campuses (as you may have already seen).
If you learn fro this experience, how much heartbreak can be involved...your eyes will be open and you will be ahead of the game!
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:51 PM
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You say that you are just a kid, and in the grand scheme of things you are right, you are young and are just starting life. But you made the right adult decision. Good for you. Hugs to you.
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Old 02-26-2017, 01:37 PM
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OMG NO atalose did NOT mean not in my first sentence!!! you are an amazing young man!!!!

THANK YOU Ariesagain!!!
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Old 02-26-2017, 01:54 PM
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I am 18 and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3.5 years. She is 23, but the age difference never seemed to be a factor in our relationship

18 - 3.5 = 14.5
23 - 3.5 = 19

15 / 20 16 /21 17/22

5 years at such a pivotal growth time in YOUR life IS a big deal. you are just getting out of high school and should not be burdened with a drunk older g/f who is making a mess of HER life. and while i am sure you are a VERY nice mature young man with a good head on your shoulders, 20 year olds shouldn't be dating/involved with FIFTEEN year olds.

get your head clear and get ready to take on the new adventure of college. learn, explore and watch the partying!
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Old 02-26-2017, 03:46 PM
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B,
Good for you for reaching out for help. I started dating my axh when I was 15 years old. If I only was as smart as you, when I was your age. I put up with 34 years of drugs and alcohol abuse, lies and everything else that goes with addiction.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Please move forward and let her figure out her addition. It is a one person job.

Sending hugs and support to you my friend.
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