tonggau

I'm writing this so I can look at this post later. It's day 8. I know that shortly, as I'll feel better - memory will start to fade and AV will start whispering that maybe it wasn't that bad after all and hey, maybe I can have just one. Or that if I just make some rules that I follow, I can drink without harm. That this time I can moderate.
Not true. This is how it is:

- I am an alcoholic. My relationship with alcohol is not the same as casual drinkers. It's been like that for more than 20 years. It will never go back to being normal. Remembering this is key.
- That I didn't drink to the extent that I've lost job/wife/home/health - so far - doesn't mean that I don't have a problem. I do. I've just been lucky. Next time I pick up the bottle, I might not be.
- I've been trying to moderate for the last 8 years. Always failed. If I try again I'll most likely fail again.
- Even if I COULD moderate, abstaining for someone like me is so much easier. Moderation means constant inner conflict and struggle. There's no peace in moderation for someone like me.
- Nine days ago I had my first blackout. If I drink again it will happen again.
- A week ago I was considering if I should get medical attention for withdrawals. This is the first time I've experienced psychical symptoms (high heart rate/blood pressure) from withdrawal. And the anxiety was just off the chart. If I drink again, most likely I'll have to go through that again and it will probably be even worse.
- This week of sobriety has in many ways been EASIER than going through the almost daily drink/regret cycle.
- Life without alcohol isn't always easy (especially the social part). But for me, life with alcohol is unproductive, shameful, dishonest and most likely shorter.

PhoenixJ

T- good insights. I would strongly suggest you see a doctor- and keep posting.

Boxkidone

your first 4 bullet points could have been right out of my mouth and are what i constantly remind myself of. i too tend to have the AV tap me on the shoulder occasionally the longer i travel down the road. I think we all do . My 5th point would be how many beautiful mornings and days I ruined because of hangovers and illness due to drinking.

Hang in there , reach out when you need to and talk, talk , talk to people in your circle.

HTown

I could have written your post. The shame, guilt, personal disappointment, never mind the hangovers. I have to tell you I have never felt better. Never had more confidence. Never had so much self-esteem.

It has been a year for me sober. Best thing I ever did for myself. The first months were hard, but I am so glad I am here today.

Forward12

Sounds like a solid plan. I also keep a journal and find it very beneficial to look back on exactly what is going to happen if you drink again.

D122y

Tong,

Seeing a dr. I read is helpful. I didn't. This place gave me the information I needed.

At 8 days clean you are not going to go into a convulsive fit anymore from not drinking. I am not a dr. Though.

Sounds like you have similar anxiety at me. My anxiety drove me to want to drink for months. That is why folks relapse.

The booze quells it, but the booze also probably caused most of it.

At 3 months clean I was physically ok. Not awesome, but ok. Mentally, I was a mess.

Even now, at nearly 2 years sober, I still feel emotions that used to be a reason to drink. Every happy, sad, angry etc. Time was a time to drink.

Last night, there was a big party, I had a great time. The food was great. The band rocked.

All the drunks were stumbling around. I craved, but I did not envy them at all.

Most looked like standard drunks.....glazed eyes, dumb looking smurky smile..we all here have seen it....in the mirror.

So I remember first...I'm an addict...for life. Booze is poison to me. I am proud to be sober.

Stay clean.

ljc267

Your post pretty much sums me up.

Great post and great idea.