Still scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Still scared
Hi everyone
I was wondering if someone can relate to what Iīm going through or shed some light on how to deal with my feelings. The thing is, almost a year has passed since I broke up with my emotionally and verbally abusive xabf and though I have maintained no contact, I still feel very insecure and scared. I think on some level I always suspected he would sooner or later become physically abusive and now Iīm sort of scared in hindsight if that is possible?
It is affecting my daily life in things I never wouldīve imagined. I had some problems with a new neighbour who is some kind of bully with women and Iīve been desperate to move out although that would be a huge exaggeration and very unwise from a financial point of view. There is no need for me to interact with him, and I donīt, but I still feel threatened.
The first few weeks after breaking up with my xabf were a relief, but then anxiety took over and itīs been hard for me to relax. Any conflict with men triggers me, even if itīs a simple discussion. Sometimes I think I never knew I was such a scared rabbit and then I feel ashamed of myself.
Any advice and or insights would be appreciated, thanks in advance!
I was wondering if someone can relate to what Iīm going through or shed some light on how to deal with my feelings. The thing is, almost a year has passed since I broke up with my emotionally and verbally abusive xabf and though I have maintained no contact, I still feel very insecure and scared. I think on some level I always suspected he would sooner or later become physically abusive and now Iīm sort of scared in hindsight if that is possible?
It is affecting my daily life in things I never wouldīve imagined. I had some problems with a new neighbour who is some kind of bully with women and Iīve been desperate to move out although that would be a huge exaggeration and very unwise from a financial point of view. There is no need for me to interact with him, and I donīt, but I still feel threatened.
The first few weeks after breaking up with my xabf were a relief, but then anxiety took over and itīs been hard for me to relax. Any conflict with men triggers me, even if itīs a simple discussion. Sometimes I think I never knew I was such a scared rabbit and then I feel ashamed of myself.
Any advice and or insights would be appreciated, thanks in advance!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Bluelily, good for you recognising your anxiety and looking for a way to deal with it.
Did you see a counsellor during or after the break? If not, you probably need to debrief and sort everything out in your mind. Talking to someone neutral brings your fears to the surface and helps you deal with them.
In the meanwhile you could try monitoring your self talk. When you feel a stab of anxiety about your neighbour, write down what you're scared of and against it write the reality of the situation. Your neighbour isn't going to pick on you. You have the protection of your home. Your are reliving fears from a year ago. etc etc.
All the best; I'm sure that now you're ready to tackle this you will find life getting better.
Did you see a counsellor during or after the break? If not, you probably need to debrief and sort everything out in your mind. Talking to someone neutral brings your fears to the surface and helps you deal with them.
In the meanwhile you could try monitoring your self talk. When you feel a stab of anxiety about your neighbour, write down what you're scared of and against it write the reality of the situation. Your neighbour isn't going to pick on you. You have the protection of your home. Your are reliving fears from a year ago. etc etc.
All the best; I'm sure that now you're ready to tackle this you will find life getting better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
BL- I cannot offer advice. I agree- talking with a professional about the anxiety sounds like a PLAN. Do not just put up with your thoughts/feelings. Work on how to feel better. You cannot control you neighbour- but you can (with work) change how you feel. I am in that 'with work' stage.
Empathy and support to you. PJ
Empathy and support to you. PJ
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Thank you FeelingGreat, Bekindalways, NYCDoglvr, PhoenixJ for your replies and support! Iīm thinking I have some degree of ptsd too, Iīm going to see a therapist about it.
Iīve been replaying situations with xabf in my mind and the thing that always shocked me about him was that he openly admitted he liked to bully other people, and also that he liked to hit his parentsīdogs (I always tried to stop him). Once he commented they were scared of him, and he was pleased about it. The thing that bothers me is that I mustīve been scared of him too because I never confronted him but just sneaked away. Without really knowing why. It was probably some sort of instinct to put myself out of danger. Now I realize it took me a long time to acknowledge to myself that this guy could in fact be dangerous to me. I was trying to ignore the emotional damage he was putting me through, thinking it didnīt matter much. I only felt anger whenever he was being a jerk and I convinced myself that I was leaving because I was angry, not afraid.
So perhaps this is the first time in my life Iīve learned to accept my own feelings of vulnerability. And now those feelings are everywhere, perhaps because they are new and raw?
When I think about it rationally this neighbor poses no threat at all, but when things began with xabf he did seem innocent enough, so I guess Iīm on alert mode, expecting anyone to behave in a more and more abusive manner.
I also notice Iīm reluctant to begin dating again for example, and couldnīt care less about being single. It just seems too dangerous! I had never felt so damaged after a breakup, this is very unexpected.
Iīve been replaying situations with xabf in my mind and the thing that always shocked me about him was that he openly admitted he liked to bully other people, and also that he liked to hit his parentsīdogs (I always tried to stop him). Once he commented they were scared of him, and he was pleased about it. The thing that bothers me is that I mustīve been scared of him too because I never confronted him but just sneaked away. Without really knowing why. It was probably some sort of instinct to put myself out of danger. Now I realize it took me a long time to acknowledge to myself that this guy could in fact be dangerous to me. I was trying to ignore the emotional damage he was putting me through, thinking it didnīt matter much. I only felt anger whenever he was being a jerk and I convinced myself that I was leaving because I was angry, not afraid.
So perhaps this is the first time in my life Iīve learned to accept my own feelings of vulnerability. And now those feelings are everywhere, perhaps because they are new and raw?
When I think about it rationally this neighbor poses no threat at all, but when things began with xabf he did seem innocent enough, so I guess Iīm on alert mode, expecting anyone to behave in a more and more abusive manner.
I also notice Iīm reluctant to begin dating again for example, and couldnīt care less about being single. It just seems too dangerous! I had never felt so damaged after a breakup, this is very unexpected.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
BL- although nothing like you, I certainly do understand being on survival mode- the necessity for self preservation and letting go of that. My story is not the issue, but I do have PTSD. It is very tiring. Talking t someone is great. Survival instincts are good too. You mentioned being bothered you did not confront your ex. I think that was sensible. What would have been good about such an encounter?
Take care, PJ.
Take care, PJ.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
First off, please don't feel shame!!!
I will tell you what my daughter's counselor recently explained to me. When something has happened, you file it in a file cabinet in your head. Lets mark your prior relationship as the file cabinet trauma. So next, when other memories come in that remind you of that situation, they get put into the same cabinet. Therefore, you continue to have to live with that trauma file cabinet being filled up on a regular basis, therefore never recovering from those feelings.
We are getting ready to begin EMDR therapy for this, as well as regular therapy. You may want to research that.
I also suggest you reach out to a counselor, even if it's through a domestic abuse shelter or wherever, and get the help you need. Most people think if they did not have a fist in their face they were not abused, which is just not true.
The verbal and emotional abuse is many times worse than the physical abuse.
You deserve to reach out for help for this. I am currently getting counseling from a similar place, and it's been almost three years since it happend! It just took me a very long time to see that I needed help, and to reach out for it. Bonus, it's free, which is good b/c both of my children are in counseling as well, and it's not free LOL.
Please, please don't feel ashamed of fear. Keep posting, you are not alone!
I will tell you what my daughter's counselor recently explained to me. When something has happened, you file it in a file cabinet in your head. Lets mark your prior relationship as the file cabinet trauma. So next, when other memories come in that remind you of that situation, they get put into the same cabinet. Therefore, you continue to have to live with that trauma file cabinet being filled up on a regular basis, therefore never recovering from those feelings.
We are getting ready to begin EMDR therapy for this, as well as regular therapy. You may want to research that.
I also suggest you reach out to a counselor, even if it's through a domestic abuse shelter or wherever, and get the help you need. Most people think if they did not have a fist in their face they were not abused, which is just not true.
The verbal and emotional abuse is many times worse than the physical abuse.
You deserve to reach out for help for this. I am currently getting counseling from a similar place, and it's been almost three years since it happend! It just took me a very long time to see that I needed help, and to reach out for it. Bonus, it's free, which is good b/c both of my children are in counseling as well, and it's not free LOL.
Please, please don't feel ashamed of fear. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hi lily - sorry, i don't have a lot to offer on ways to assuage the fear and anxiety you are dealing with. but i do know that in recovery the YEAR mark can bring up a lot of stuff.............unbidden.
like somebody set a timer for 365 days and it's about to go DING!
the world we live in is less safe all the time. in fact i JUST had a meeting with our Security Coordinator about giving a personal safety presentation to our group!!! as in he just left my office 15 minutes ago!!!! so you are not alone, your thoughts and feelings are ok!! if someone creeps you out, don't just dismiss it as being silly. (ha, Silly Lily!) trust your gut. i believe in giving crazy people a wide berth.
good to see you here!!!
like somebody set a timer for 365 days and it's about to go DING!
the world we live in is less safe all the time. in fact i JUST had a meeting with our Security Coordinator about giving a personal safety presentation to our group!!! as in he just left my office 15 minutes ago!!!! so you are not alone, your thoughts and feelings are ok!! if someone creeps you out, don't just dismiss it as being silly. (ha, Silly Lily!) trust your gut. i believe in giving crazy people a wide berth.
good to see you here!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think some of it might be that, "Wow, I dodged a bullet" feeling.
I got to go on a very cool work-related trip to Fiji a few years ago. At the very end we got to spend the weekend at an "eco-resort" (solar panels with electric power only at night and water heaters that didn't work--"resort" is a relative term), and we went off in a boat with a chance to go snorkeling. Now, I had snorkeled in Hawaii, over 30 years ago, and it seemed super easy. So I went out, without feeling the need for a life vest (bad move), with an unwarranted sense of confidence, and with very old and poorly-maintained equipment. Before I knew it, I was too far from the boat, with water coming into my mask, and I was starting to worry about getting back to the boat. I waved my arms and yelled, and one of the nice young men who had taken us out jumped in and swam out so he could tow me back to the boat.
It was kinda scary out there, but worse when I started thinking about how I actually could have DROWNED on this little outing. I made jokes about all the paperwork my bosses would have had to fill out, but it really kind of hit me later--a delayed sense of fear.
No actual trauma involved, just a sense of "what could have happened."
Kinda sounds like what might be going on with you.
I got to go on a very cool work-related trip to Fiji a few years ago. At the very end we got to spend the weekend at an "eco-resort" (solar panels with electric power only at night and water heaters that didn't work--"resort" is a relative term), and we went off in a boat with a chance to go snorkeling. Now, I had snorkeled in Hawaii, over 30 years ago, and it seemed super easy. So I went out, without feeling the need for a life vest (bad move), with an unwarranted sense of confidence, and with very old and poorly-maintained equipment. Before I knew it, I was too far from the boat, with water coming into my mask, and I was starting to worry about getting back to the boat. I waved my arms and yelled, and one of the nice young men who had taken us out jumped in and swam out so he could tow me back to the boat.
It was kinda scary out there, but worse when I started thinking about how I actually could have DROWNED on this little outing. I made jokes about all the paperwork my bosses would have had to fill out, but it really kind of hit me later--a delayed sense of fear.
No actual trauma involved, just a sense of "what could have happened."
Kinda sounds like what might be going on with you.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Lily-From what you have shared, it sounds like you were traumatized. Therefore PTSD is a real possibility. Any kind of trauma; any kind of assault, can contribute to PTSD. And, it hasn't been taken as seriously as it should, IMO.
Is the neighbor truly a threat or not? Well, part of what you're feeling could be open wounds from your last relationship that haven't healed....therefore you could be ultra sensitive to ANY possibility of such things happening to you again....
BUT-there could also be a real threat there. I just don't know and you just don't know yet. I don't blame you for being wary. Hopefully time will help you out and you won't feel so vulnerable with men. But, I think it DOES take TIME....
Here's another thought: because of what you've been through, you may have greater PERCEPTION of potential abuse...a gut instinct, perhaps. The new neighbor really could be an abuser; who knows? It bothers me when people "poo-poo" things and just write others off as being "too sensitive". Darn right you're sensitive and that's okay. There are a lot of creeps out there and there are a lot of people who are just not very nice. You deserve to be treated well. Never settle.
Is the neighbor truly a threat or not? Well, part of what you're feeling could be open wounds from your last relationship that haven't healed....therefore you could be ultra sensitive to ANY possibility of such things happening to you again....
BUT-there could also be a real threat there. I just don't know and you just don't know yet. I don't blame you for being wary. Hopefully time will help you out and you won't feel so vulnerable with men. But, I think it DOES take TIME....
Here's another thought: because of what you've been through, you may have greater PERCEPTION of potential abuse...a gut instinct, perhaps. The new neighbor really could be an abuser; who knows? It bothers me when people "poo-poo" things and just write others off as being "too sensitive". Darn right you're sensitive and that's okay. There are a lot of creeps out there and there are a lot of people who are just not very nice. You deserve to be treated well. Never settle.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
What you have written about makes a lot of sense. I think sometimes we suppress feelings because they are too much to deal with at the time, on top of everything else. Then later either the feelings are triggered by a situation that reminds us of things in the past, or maybe sinice we are finally in a better state of mind these feelings come to the surface. I do think it will help to talk to a therapist. Sending positive, healing thoughts your way!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I was always one to avoid conflicts with men in my life and the louder they got the farther away I retreated. I do think we suffer from PTSD after living with an active addict/alcoholic and witnessing all their erratic behaviors and sadly tolerating it.
I think seeing a counselor will help you work through the anxiety. Al- anon and working that program helped me work through mine. I no longer retreat, I stand up for myself in appreciate ways with both men and woman and it is so freeing!!
I also think the 1 year anniversary stirs up a lot of repressed emotions, regrets and anger. We think a year is a long time but not when we’ve stuffed things down and haven’t realized we’ve even done that.
I think seeing a counselor will help you work through the anxiety. Al- anon and working that program helped me work through mine. I no longer retreat, I stand up for myself in appreciate ways with both men and woman and it is so freeing!!
I also think the 1 year anniversary stirs up a lot of repressed emotions, regrets and anger. We think a year is a long time but not when we’ve stuffed things down and haven’t realized we’ve even done that.
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