Hopefully catching this in time. Here's my story.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 15
Hopefully catching this in time. Here's my story.
Hello all. Strap in and prepare for a long story. They say talking about yourself is cathartic, and while I'm no narcissist, I’m certainly an expert at burying or hiding my foibles, so perhaps it’s time to come clean. You don’t have to read all of it, and I'm not making much of an effort to organize my thoughts, but I feel like I have to tell all of it, so beg your pardon.
My father passed away after a long and horrific battle with cancer when I was in high school. He was an alcoholic, as his mother was before him, but what did him in stemmed from a childhood illness. I have no doubt that he would have run into alcohol-related problems if he had lived past his 40s.
I am now in my early 40s. I suppose that I started drinking right about when I started college, and developed into a full-fledged weekend warrior not long thereafter. Armchair psychologists would likely surmise that I drank to mask the pain of my loss, and while that is not without it’s merit, stronger forces have taken hold since then.
For the past 20 years I’ve consumed about 350ml of 80 proof spirits about 2-3 nights per week. I quit smoking about 10 years ago which was actually a great thing for reducing drinking, since without the stimulant of nicotine, I’ll fall asleep before I can drink too much more. Getting older and not being able to sleep due to parental obligations seems to cause me to self-limit a bit as well.
In my early 20s, I first noticed that hangovers were less “feel like crap, drink a bunch of water and rest a bit” and more “holy crap what is this????”. Over the years the hangovers (or should I say, withdrawal) have gotten worse, as they are wont to do. After one night of drinking, I’m usually not too horribly off, but after 2-3 in a row, yeah, not so great. Anxiety, palpitations, high blood pressure, insomnia, the usual.
I’m one hell of a good drunk. I don’t DWI, I don’t do anything grossly irresponsible, I get way nicer, and the social anxiety that I’ve had since childhood melts away. I mostly just get drunk and go on the internet.
And my my ingenuity has helped masked the symptoms. Wake up in the morning, pop some Prevacid, a multi-vitamin, some Advil, and then spend the day popping Valerian root (an herb that weakly acts as an anti-anxiety drug). Good stuff, that Valerian root - feels like a weak Xanax, without the risk of addiction or overdose. 6 years ago I could take one every few hours and stave off the anxiety. This past Monday, when I was shrugging off the weekend, I was taking two every half hour. Monday night, it’s 10mg of Valium so I can sleep, and then spend the rest of the week getting back to normal, to start the cycle anew on Friday. By Tuesday night, I’m done popping Valerian for the week. The very model of a modern functional alcoholic.
I’ve gone through some life changes of course. Married ten years, now two young kids. I don’t go to bars anymore, and my wife isn’t much of a drinker (bless her), so it’s usually us having a drink together, she falls asleep, I keep at it. But holy jeeze that 2-3 hours of drinking is a blast!
Anxiety is a funny thing. Have a panic attack while doing something, and you’ll start to avoid doing that thing again. I’ve developed odd fears, mostly related to traveling - some slight agoraphobia, especially while hung over. A fear of driving over bridges. A fear of flying. Actually, I don’t care much for driving in general. Of course, to my dismay, the Homer Simpson principle applies - alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all of these problems.
Quick gallows humor: Years ago I asked my physician for a drug for flying. He told me, “just drink, that’s what I do.” (The guy regularly admits that he drinks too much himself so does that fall under the category of enabler?). He wrote me a script for Valium. “Take one, if you’re still anxious, take another, if you’re still anxious just bring a bottle of vodka on the plane”.
My last sustained period of total sobriety was when my first child was a newborn, probably for about 3-4 months. I know things got better in that time. I recall driving on the highway thinking, wow, I haven’t felt that awful anxiety in a while, even during a time - with a newborn at home - that my stress levels were through the roof. I dropped probably 25 pounds during that time as well.
Right about now is when I’d be pouring myself a nice Friday night gin and tonic. I’m trying not to. For whatever reason, this past weekend was a tougher one to bounce back from. I’m getting tired of the struggle. The kindling is starting to creep up on me I think.
Thanks for reading.
My father passed away after a long and horrific battle with cancer when I was in high school. He was an alcoholic, as his mother was before him, but what did him in stemmed from a childhood illness. I have no doubt that he would have run into alcohol-related problems if he had lived past his 40s.
I am now in my early 40s. I suppose that I started drinking right about when I started college, and developed into a full-fledged weekend warrior not long thereafter. Armchair psychologists would likely surmise that I drank to mask the pain of my loss, and while that is not without it’s merit, stronger forces have taken hold since then.
For the past 20 years I’ve consumed about 350ml of 80 proof spirits about 2-3 nights per week. I quit smoking about 10 years ago which was actually a great thing for reducing drinking, since without the stimulant of nicotine, I’ll fall asleep before I can drink too much more. Getting older and not being able to sleep due to parental obligations seems to cause me to self-limit a bit as well.
In my early 20s, I first noticed that hangovers were less “feel like crap, drink a bunch of water and rest a bit” and more “holy crap what is this????”. Over the years the hangovers (or should I say, withdrawal) have gotten worse, as they are wont to do. After one night of drinking, I’m usually not too horribly off, but after 2-3 in a row, yeah, not so great. Anxiety, palpitations, high blood pressure, insomnia, the usual.
I’m one hell of a good drunk. I don’t DWI, I don’t do anything grossly irresponsible, I get way nicer, and the social anxiety that I’ve had since childhood melts away. I mostly just get drunk and go on the internet.
And my my ingenuity has helped masked the symptoms. Wake up in the morning, pop some Prevacid, a multi-vitamin, some Advil, and then spend the day popping Valerian root (an herb that weakly acts as an anti-anxiety drug). Good stuff, that Valerian root - feels like a weak Xanax, without the risk of addiction or overdose. 6 years ago I could take one every few hours and stave off the anxiety. This past Monday, when I was shrugging off the weekend, I was taking two every half hour. Monday night, it’s 10mg of Valium so I can sleep, and then spend the rest of the week getting back to normal, to start the cycle anew on Friday. By Tuesday night, I’m done popping Valerian for the week. The very model of a modern functional alcoholic.
I’ve gone through some life changes of course. Married ten years, now two young kids. I don’t go to bars anymore, and my wife isn’t much of a drinker (bless her), so it’s usually us having a drink together, she falls asleep, I keep at it. But holy jeeze that 2-3 hours of drinking is a blast!
Anxiety is a funny thing. Have a panic attack while doing something, and you’ll start to avoid doing that thing again. I’ve developed odd fears, mostly related to traveling - some slight agoraphobia, especially while hung over. A fear of driving over bridges. A fear of flying. Actually, I don’t care much for driving in general. Of course, to my dismay, the Homer Simpson principle applies - alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all of these problems.
Quick gallows humor: Years ago I asked my physician for a drug for flying. He told me, “just drink, that’s what I do.” (The guy regularly admits that he drinks too much himself so does that fall under the category of enabler?). He wrote me a script for Valium. “Take one, if you’re still anxious, take another, if you’re still anxious just bring a bottle of vodka on the plane”.
My last sustained period of total sobriety was when my first child was a newborn, probably for about 3-4 months. I know things got better in that time. I recall driving on the highway thinking, wow, I haven’t felt that awful anxiety in a while, even during a time - with a newborn at home - that my stress levels were through the roof. I dropped probably 25 pounds during that time as well.
Right about now is when I’d be pouring myself a nice Friday night gin and tonic. I’m trying not to. For whatever reason, this past weekend was a tougher one to bounce back from. I’m getting tired of the struggle. The kindling is starting to creep up on me I think.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome, Asa,
what you describe as your ingenuity sounds like a helluva lot of work!
i also used to work at juggling the whole thing.
not drinking is a whole lot easier than all that!
stick around, get involved, see what others are doing and what makes sense to you.
what you describe as your ingenuity sounds like a helluva lot of work!
i also used to work at juggling the whole thing.
not drinking is a whole lot easier than all that!
stick around, get involved, see what others are doing and what makes sense to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Welcome asa,
I hope SR helps you as much as it has helped me.
When I was drinking I worked my butt off to keep all of the balls in the air. It was exhausting and I couldn't do it anymore. Life is just so much easier without drinking.
I hope SR helps you as much as it has helped me.
When I was drinking I worked my butt off to keep all of the balls in the air. It was exhausting and I couldn't do it anymore. Life is just so much easier without drinking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Mattq2 
When I was drinking I worked my butt off to keep all of the balls in the air. It was exhausting and I couldn't do it anymore. Life is just so much easier without drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: NY
Posts: 58
Hi Asa. You and I have so many similarities. I really relate to your story. I'm in my early forties and have been drinking since high school (was experimenting quite a bit in middle school though), but it escalated in college. My Dad and younger brother both died early due to alcoholism. My brother had a GI bleed at 32 years and it was horrible to see someone you love bleed to death. He was drinking a large amount of whiskey daily. My drinking escalated quite a bit after college. The past 8 years have been particularly bad. I've been drinking about 350 ml at a time plus a couple of beers. You are right, the 2-3 hour buzz was nice, but the after effects were horrible. I would stay home and listen to music, call old friends, or surf the internet. I was blacking out 3-5 times per week never knowing what to expect in the AM. I too have a wife that does not drink much (and a young son), but it definitely caused a lot of stress in our marriage. She would get angry at my drinking and this would lead to me hiding or sneaking drinks. She always knew in the end though.
I'm glad you were able not not drink tonight. That is huge for a Friday night. I stopped last Saturday. My hangovers have been getting worse and I put on weight. I was feeling bloated. My BP was elevated and my stress level and anxiety was super high. I was tired of spending so much energy on drinking and recovering from the effects of it. I truely feel if I did not quit, I would develop alcohol related health problems in the next few years especially with my family history.
I will be on Day 6 on Saturday. I hope you can keep at it and work on Day 2. I have been drinking lots of water and not skipping meals and this seems to help. I've been exercising. I'm looking forward to a hangover free Saturday too. SR is a great resource. There are many people on our same boat and it helps to know this and get their support. Take care.
I'm glad you were able not not drink tonight. That is huge for a Friday night. I stopped last Saturday. My hangovers have been getting worse and I put on weight. I was feeling bloated. My BP was elevated and my stress level and anxiety was super high. I was tired of spending so much energy on drinking and recovering from the effects of it. I truely feel if I did not quit, I would develop alcohol related health problems in the next few years especially with my family history.
I will be on Day 6 on Saturday. I hope you can keep at it and work on Day 2. I have been drinking lots of water and not skipping meals and this seems to help. I've been exercising. I'm looking forward to a hangover free Saturday too. SR is a great resource. There are many people on our same boat and it helps to know this and get their support. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi Asa, welcome. That was an interesting read. I like your writing style - your post was longish but easy to read.
Based on what you wrote, you are an expert indeed at burying or hiding your foibles.
On the one hand, you have a good deal of clarity about your situation - that the drinking is terrible for your physical and mental health, that you're concealing the extent of your symptoms and that the progressive nature of alcoholism is showing itself in your life.
What I didn't get though is any real commitment to stop drinking or any belief on your part that this problem is going to cause you a hell of a lot more in the future. Maybe I missed that?
I'm not trying to be a smart alec, because I was a huge denier of the dangers of my alcoholism although quite clear-eyed about the problems it was causing me.
But I was just thinking as I read your post ... are you really ready to quit and stay quit?
Based on what you wrote, you are an expert indeed at burying or hiding your foibles.
On the one hand, you have a good deal of clarity about your situation - that the drinking is terrible for your physical and mental health, that you're concealing the extent of your symptoms and that the progressive nature of alcoholism is showing itself in your life.
What I didn't get though is any real commitment to stop drinking or any belief on your part that this problem is going to cause you a hell of a lot more in the future. Maybe I missed that?
I'm not trying to be a smart alec, because I was a huge denier of the dangers of my alcoholism although quite clear-eyed about the problems it was causing me.
But I was just thinking as I read your post ... are you really ready to quit and stay quit?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: the real world
Posts: 166
Please be careful! Just because something is "natural" does not mean it's safe.
Valium vs Valerian
Risks
"Valerian appears to be relatively safe, and some of the rarely reported side effects include stomachaches, apathy, impaired mental function and slight depression. Valerian may also cause dizziness or drowsiness due to its tranquilizing properties, and allergies that may show up as skin rashes or hives in certain predisposed people. Valerian is also not recommended for use by people who are already taking central nervous system depressants such as alcohol, benzodiazepines, barbiturates, and opiates."
Valium vs Valerian
Risks
"Valerian appears to be relatively safe, and some of the rarely reported side effects include stomachaches, apathy, impaired mental function and slight depression. Valerian may also cause dizziness or drowsiness due to its tranquilizing properties, and allergies that may show up as skin rashes or hives in certain predisposed people. Valerian is also not recommended for use by people who are already taking central nervous system depressants such as alcohol, benzodiazepines, barbiturates, and opiates."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by MissPerfumado
Hi Asa, welcome. That was an interesting read. I like your writing style - your post was longish but easy to read.
Based on what you wrote, you are an expert indeed at burying or hiding your foibles.
On the one hand, you have a good deal of clarity about your situation - that the drinking is terrible for your physical and mental health, that you're concealing the extent of your symptoms and that the progressive nature of alcoholism is showing itself in your life.
What I didn't get though is any real commitment to stop drinking or any belief on your part that this problem is going to cause you a hell of a lot more in the future. Maybe I missed that?
I'm not trying to be a smart alec, because I was a huge denier of the dangers of my alcoholism although quite clear-eyed about the problems it was causing me.
But I was just thinking as I read your post ... are you really ready to quit and stay quit?
Based on what you wrote, you are an expert indeed at burying or hiding your foibles.
On the one hand, you have a good deal of clarity about your situation - that the drinking is terrible for your physical and mental health, that you're concealing the extent of your symptoms and that the progressive nature of alcoholism is showing itself in your life.
What I didn't get though is any real commitment to stop drinking or any belief on your part that this problem is going to cause you a hell of a lot more in the future. Maybe I missed that?
I'm not trying to be a smart alec, because I was a huge denier of the dangers of my alcoholism although quite clear-eyed about the problems it was causing me.
But I was just thinking as I read your post ... are you really ready to quit and stay quit?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by darkling
Please be careful! Just because something is "natural" does not mean it's safe.
Risks
"Valerian appears to be relatively safe, and some of the rarely reported side effects include stomachaches, apathy, impaired mental function and slight depression. Valerian may also cause dizziness or drowsiness due to its tranquilizing properties, and allergies that may show up as skin rashes or hives in certain predisposed people. Valerian is also not recommended for use by people who are already taking central nervous system depressants such as alcohol, benzodiazepines, barbiturates, and opiates."
Risks
"Valerian appears to be relatively safe, and some of the rarely reported side effects include stomachaches, apathy, impaired mental function and slight depression. Valerian may also cause dizziness or drowsiness due to its tranquilizing properties, and allergies that may show up as skin rashes or hives in certain predisposed people. Valerian is also not recommended for use by people who are already taking central nervous system depressants such as alcohol, benzodiazepines, barbiturates, and opiates."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Originally Posted by Asa
You're quite right, I didn't say anything to that effect and I know it's something important to do. This past week was the first time I felt like the anxiety was getting away from me and could not be easily treated. Could I start popping benzos or day drink to do it? Yeah, but that's a line I've never crossed and I don't want to start now. I don't know where I'm at mentally. All I know is that I'm tired of this crap and want to start something new.
Like others have recommended, stick around. Read and read ... especially the stickies at the top of the pages.
I came on to SR the first time with a light-on attitude to quitting, and really didn't last long in sobriety. Like a week. A year passed, I kept drinking, and I came closer to losing everything. My health was really suffering and I was terrified I would lose my job soon. Things were on the edge of disaster for me. I came back to SR and, man, that time I got serious. I have been sober since, and this site has been a godsend in allowing me to achieve that.
I would suggest not waiting a year like I did. Alcoholism is progressive and the last stages go fast.
Catch and Release
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Crazy Canuck
Posts: 441
ASA:
I was very much you when I was drinking. I started as a weekend warrior too. I would say in my 30s I started noticing that my hangovers were getting more severe. I was still mainly just drinking on weekends though , but copious amounts of wine. I'd be popping the advil in the mornings.
It was in my 40s that I started getting anxiety attacks and having heart palps, dizziness, and I also became afraid of flying. I had panic attacks while driving too. I didn't like to go for walks anymore because panic would follow, Alcohol is quite the drug! Who knew that this wonderful drug that eased my anxiety was actually making it worse.
I started drinking heavily in my mid-40s and my anxiety worsened. I went to my doctor about it - not realizing that alcohol was the problem. I was prescribed anti-anxiety drugs (effexor) and also sleeping pills - zoplicone for my insomnia. Effexor - what a horrible drug. i took that for about a year and then just quit it because I couldn't stand the brain zaps that went with it.
The last year before I quit I was drinking about a 40 oz of rye in a week. I was bloated, overweight, red faced, high blood pressure, depressed, daily heart palps, anxiety ridden.
Yesterday, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety. Guess what - the above is gone. I have the occasional heart palp and some days I feel anxious, but my blood pressure is 110/70, skin is good, bloat gone, weight down. All good things.
Keep being sober - don't take the next drink. Sobriety is so worth it.
CF
I was very much you when I was drinking. I started as a weekend warrior too. I would say in my 30s I started noticing that my hangovers were getting more severe. I was still mainly just drinking on weekends though , but copious amounts of wine. I'd be popping the advil in the mornings.
It was in my 40s that I started getting anxiety attacks and having heart palps, dizziness, and I also became afraid of flying. I had panic attacks while driving too. I didn't like to go for walks anymore because panic would follow, Alcohol is quite the drug! Who knew that this wonderful drug that eased my anxiety was actually making it worse.
I started drinking heavily in my mid-40s and my anxiety worsened. I went to my doctor about it - not realizing that alcohol was the problem. I was prescribed anti-anxiety drugs (effexor) and also sleeping pills - zoplicone for my insomnia. Effexor - what a horrible drug. i took that for about a year and then just quit it because I couldn't stand the brain zaps that went with it.
The last year before I quit I was drinking about a 40 oz of rye in a week. I was bloated, overweight, red faced, high blood pressure, depressed, daily heart palps, anxiety ridden.
Yesterday, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety. Guess what - the above is gone. I have the occasional heart palp and some days I feel anxious, but my blood pressure is 110/70, skin is good, bloat gone, weight down. All good things.
Keep being sober - don't take the next drink. Sobriety is so worth it.
CF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Calicofish
ASA:
I was very much you when I was drinking. I started as a weekend warrior too. I would say in my 30s I started noticing that my hangovers were getting more severe. I was still mainly just drinking on weekends though , but copious amounts of wine. I'd be popping the advil in the mornings.
It was in my 40s that I started getting anxiety attacks and having heart palps, dizziness, and I also became afraid of flying. I had panic attacks while driving too. I didn't like to go for walks anymore because panic would follow, Alcohol is quite the drug! Who knew that this wonderful drug that eased my anxiety was actually making it worse.
I started drinking heavily in my mid-40s and my anxiety worsened. I went to my doctor about it - not realizing that alcohol was the problem. I was prescribed anti-anxiety drugs (effexor) and also sleeping pills - zoplicone for my insomnia. Effexor - what a horrible drug. i took that for about a year and then just quit it because I couldn't stand the brain zaps that went with it.
The last year before I quit I was drinking about a 40 oz of rye in a week. I was bloated, overweight, red faced, high blood pressure, depressed, daily heart palps, anxiety ridden.
Yesterday, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety. Guess what - the above is gone. I have the occasional heart palp and some days I feel anxious, but my blood pressure is 110/70, skin is good, bloat gone, weight down. All good things.
Keep being sober - don't take the next drink. Sobriety is so worth it.
CF
I was very much you when I was drinking. I started as a weekend warrior too. I would say in my 30s I started noticing that my hangovers were getting more severe. I was still mainly just drinking on weekends though , but copious amounts of wine. I'd be popping the advil in the mornings.
It was in my 40s that I started getting anxiety attacks and having heart palps, dizziness, and I also became afraid of flying. I had panic attacks while driving too. I didn't like to go for walks anymore because panic would follow, Alcohol is quite the drug! Who knew that this wonderful drug that eased my anxiety was actually making it worse.
I started drinking heavily in my mid-40s and my anxiety worsened. I went to my doctor about it - not realizing that alcohol was the problem. I was prescribed anti-anxiety drugs (effexor) and also sleeping pills - zoplicone for my insomnia. Effexor - what a horrible drug. i took that for about a year and then just quit it because I couldn't stand the brain zaps that went with it.
The last year before I quit I was drinking about a 40 oz of rye in a week. I was bloated, overweight, red faced, high blood pressure, depressed, daily heart palps, anxiety ridden.
Yesterday, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety. Guess what - the above is gone. I have the occasional heart palp and some days I feel anxious, but my blood pressure is 110/70, skin is good, bloat gone, weight down. All good things.
Keep being sober - don't take the next drink. Sobriety is so worth it.
CF
Made it through the weekend without a sip and I'm rather happy, though the anxiety came back this evening. Right about now I'd usually be watching tv with my wife, drinking a glass of 100 proof bourbon. Tonight I have water.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 66
You're doing great Asa. You are also spot on about the alcohol being a cause of the anxiety, rather than a cure.
I gave it about 6 months off the booze and then started to see a natural therapist to get some of my other health concerns under control. There are plenty of options available that aren't as blunt force as some of the prescription stuff. By no means take this as a substitute for medical advice, but I just wanted to say give your body a chance to heal from the beating and when things get a little clearer you may be able to attack the residual problems. It just takes some time to work out which are residual and which are the ones caused by the alcohol
Also, meditation can help. There is a free app called Smiling Mind which has all sorts of simple meditations you can do from 1-2 minutes through to more advanced stuff. I found it worked wonders for calming my mind.
I gave it about 6 months off the booze and then started to see a natural therapist to get some of my other health concerns under control. There are plenty of options available that aren't as blunt force as some of the prescription stuff. By no means take this as a substitute for medical advice, but I just wanted to say give your body a chance to heal from the beating and when things get a little clearer you may be able to attack the residual problems. It just takes some time to work out which are residual and which are the ones caused by the alcohol
Also, meditation can help. There is a free app called Smiling Mind which has all sorts of simple meditations you can do from 1-2 minutes through to more advanced stuff. I found it worked wonders for calming my mind.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I'm glad you have one weekend down Asa
I know the natural inclination is to say well this not drinking thing is working so lets just roll with this...
but I really recommend the value of a plan...it can really help you later on when maybe things don;t go so smoothly...
At least give this link a read-through - lot of realy cool ideas in it
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
I know the natural inclination is to say well this not drinking thing is working so lets just roll with this...
but I really recommend the value of a plan...it can really help you later on when maybe things don;t go so smoothly...
At least give this link a read-through - lot of realy cool ideas in it
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
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