Wholesome

Almost every single crappy thing I have said or done has been because I was under the influence.... sure I have done some things I'm not proud of when I was sober but I can say that I was rationale and in control when I did them. Not so if I have had even a few drinks. It make my tongue lose and brings out a temper in me that I don't normally exhibit. In a sober state I am happy and upbeat and generous and kind. I think it is because I hate myself for not being able to stop that I can become mean and morose and petty and small. Not my higher self at all.

I'm at a point where I "only" drink twice a week at most due solely to my job, often it's only once a week. If I drink twice it's during the week and if I overdo it then I miss work the next day because I don't want them to know...... although I am sure I hide nothing. My coworkers are not fools...... that's just me fooling myself and being the fool.

That I have affected my children I have no doubt and it shames me to the core of my being and I know that I can never ever make it right..... there is no unringing of that bell. That is my cross to bear and perhaps my soul is damned for it.

Dee74

It's never too late to make a fresh start - even as a parent - there are hundreds of people here who'll tell you that Zen

I did bad things - but that doesn't make me a bad person.

I chose not to do bad things anymore tho, and not drinking was the corner stone of that commitment.

Thinking that you're bad evil and dangerous to know only feeds the Av..if you're damned why save yourself?

It's nonsense,. Don't fall for that lie.

It is never too late to start that Chapter Two

D

FreeOwl

I didn't always do really bad things in life.

But nearly every time I did really bad things in life, I'd been drinking or was in a drinking state of mind.

Sobriety - allowed me to leave all that behind.

awuh1

We all have a shadow side. Don't feed it.

You drink for a reason. Find it. Work on it.

Do it different this time.

Wholesome

I need to apologize for being an ass on this site.... I used it for the wrong reasons and at times acted inappropriately. I'm sorry. Drinking can twist the mind.

I try really hard to leave the drink alone to varying degrees of "success" but that bender is always on the horizon...... it's only a matter of time before I know that I'm going to really let go. Why is that?

PhoenixJ

Because you have already convinced yourself that it is going to happen. You have already made up your own future. So armed- you can do something about it- instead of just leaving it to fate. See a therapist, go to meetings, share here, PLAN what to do when the urge to drinks hits.
Empathy and support to you.

Anna

As far as your children are concerned, you can't change what's happened. But, you can choose to devote yourself to being the best parent you can to your children for the rest of your life.

Dee74

No apologies necessary from my perspective
without change you're always going to get pretty much the same outcome.

D

Wholesome

I can do better and I will. My heart is always in the right place and I am devoted to them. I work my ass off to give them a good life and a nice home. I drink some nights though and they hate it. Especially my oldest..... he tells me and I can see it on his face. And I can remember being his age and my mom drinking and how it unsettled me and made me ashamed of her..... it truly is a generational thing. In my family it goes through the women.... all my mothers side are drinkers, my grandmother, my aunts, my mother, me.....

awuh1

Some family traditions are meant to be broken. Future generations will thank you.

thomas11

I don't mean to be cruel but when it gets bad enough, you'll quit. That's just my opinion, but I think there is some truth to it.

Wholesome

Alright I'm going to stop crucifying myself tonight.... it's not productive. Call it a night.

Thank you all for your replies! This is a special place and I'm grateful for it. xx

DontRemember

My daughter(20) resented me being drunk. She never wanted to be around me when I was drinking, because she never knew which me I was going to be. The happy "here's some money", or the *******. Now that I've been working at my sobriety she calls me constantly asking my advice on her life and just to talk. It's a nice motivator in my 'plan'.

ScottFromWI

A couple of things: When you say that you are "trying hard", what exactly are you trying? If it's simply "trying not to drink", it probably won't matter how hard you try as it will never work. You need to make serious, concrete changes to your life and accept that you probably can't do it on your own.

As far as "why", my guess is that you do it because you are an alcoholic just like me and most of the rest of us. Accepting that fact and accepting that absolute abstinence is the way to move forward is key to starting to make changes. You can start right now if you want to, we all had to start somewhere.

Wholesome

Yeah I'm guilty of that too..... I can be the mom who lets every neighborhood kid come over and chill. Or on a Sunday for example when I'm hungover no one gets through the front door and pizza is for dinner. Or I can be angry about something that just yesterday I let slide just because I'm not feeling well due to my hangover and self loathing. What I can put into a few words here can not portray the actual reality of my life. I drink in an unhealthy way at times..... not every day.... there was a time... after I'd been through a lot of tough times, failed marriage from an abusive man, my nephew dying, dead end job, loss of hope and just general trauma and sadness. My life is different now and I drink a lot less. I have been in a good relationship for quite some time, even though it took me awhile to settle in and appreciate it. And my job is secure and steady. Things that were lacking in my life for a long time. However those years of turmoil still have an echoing effect. My boys are entering their teenage years and are becoming men so I need to keep evolving and growing with them and even this once or so a week drinking nights needs to stop. I need to be on my game. Yes I have alcoholic tendencies.... I am not in denial about that. I know. It's why I reached out tonight. We have had some disharmony at home and my drinking made what could have been a blip on the radar into a scene and I'm ashamed and out of sorts over it.

Again I appreciate all of you and your responses.

DontRemember

Yeah.. those "blip's", I was turning to blops. Doing the 'mountains out of molehills' thing..while drinking. Waking up,hungover, her asking for a ride to her friends house but, I didn't feel like it so, I didn't. I was a VERY selfish person. By not drinking I've changed so many things in every aspect of my life. Personal,professional,ect.. There's no more "excuses".. If I don't want to do something I don't, I say "NO" to so many things now,where in the past I'd just go with the flow. I still regret what I put my daughter through every day but, I've found myself again. I wish you the best,dear! Life is just better,when you know what's going on and are in the correct mindset to handle it properly... Please know that.

My thoughts are with you and yours.
DR

PhoenixJ

ZC- you have enough concern you posted here. You remember being a kid- you have kids. What will you do to change your behaviour? Wishing and hoping for me did squat. Planning- working out how to do stuff differently.
'Alcoholic tendencies'- what ever that means. 'Drink in an unhealthy way'. If I said that it would mean I am scared of THAT word and soften it up with 'tendencies'. Also self- loathing, too stuffed on Sundays, hung over- are these 'normal'?
Having a history and not dealing with stuff by drinking is understandable. For a while. I had a crap history, then got to a point where I should have been okay. BUT I lived in the past and did NOT evolve as you have said you need to do for your family. You need to do it for yourself first.
My 2 sons were teenagers. They are men. I lost everything. Starting literally -my life (like dead), then wife, sons, career, house, everything.
Please do more than just be aware of your concerns. Honestly work through them.
My empathy and support to you. PJ

Wholesome

I actually don't try that hard and I guess that's the problem. I don't drink during the week because I can't get away with it anymore but if I feel like drinking on the weekend I don't actually fight the urge..... I just go for it. And I don't even try to moderate myself, I drink until it's all gone and often I go out and buy more even though I had told myself that I would only have 6. It's certainly an improvement from few years ago when I drank daily but it's still not good enough and it's not healthy and it brings conflict and unhappiness in my life and family. I'm setting a poor example to my children and disrespecting my body and soul.

I've woken up with a plan! #1 don't drink. #2 don't drink. #3 stay busy. #4 exercise more and eat better. #5 I'm going to call my member assistance program through my work and set myself up with a counselor. #6 reach out on here.

Wholesome

This brought tears to my eyes last night. Thank you so much! You are a very insightful, compassionate and kind person Dee.

milly4me

You know Zen, I come from a different angle on this stuff.

Alcohol is SUCH an agent of SHAME. It is SUCH a killer of ACTION.

I'm so new to this recovery stuff . . . so I don't have the answers myself, BUT when I would binge drink then the whole "making mountains of molehills" was in full swing. Things could be tense.

And I would spend days regretting my drunken thoughts and actions . . . until I'd binge again.

I've cut down my alcohol consumption significantly over the last three months and have been sober for nearly a month (except for three glasses of champagne) and I now have a different view of this dynamic.

I still sometimes "make mountains out of molehills" while I'm stone cold sober. And you know what . . . I don't feel that hungover induced crippling shame. I'm better understanding that some of my reactions may be inappropriate, but that's all right. I'm human. And more importantly some of my over reactions are really quite appropriate. Without alcohol clouding the aftermath, I no longer retreat in shame. Now I stand up for myself. My feelings do matter. I will no longer apologize for them.

I guess what I'm saying is being sober gives me the power to finally address those nagging underlying issues that really cause a lot of that alcohol infused anger. I'm unburdened by shame. I'm cleared eyed and able to take action to fix things. I'm no longer just wallowing.

I'm hoping for the best for you.