Early days
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Early days
Hi everyone,
Ive never posted on a forum before. So please bare with!
I have been married to my husband for two years. We have been together 10 years.(lived together for 7) no children. Im 27. Husband is 29.
my husband had an violent alcholic father who passed away when my husband was 19 (he hadnt seen him since he left when husband was 15 and had no contact)
My husband has tried to separate/end our marriage 3 times now over the last 5 months. (Once during a row about DIY!!) His main focus has always been getting on with selling our house and nothing else.
Full separation happened from sep-nov and a full reconcilation occured from nov-jan. We are now separated again from jan-feb. I havent seen him in a month.
I began wondering why my husband's reactions were so major and very 'knee jerk'.
There was one row where i wrongly shouted at him to 'get out the house' and it all went downhill from there.
To go from compleate bliss (lovely xmas, holiday booked, future plans etc..) and no hint of unhappyness to separating so quickly after one silly row.
I began to think that 'to him' it wasnt a silly row and maybe the words id used had reminded him of his childhood.
80% of the 'traits' of Acoa match up to his behaviour. And i can give a old and resent example to each one.
My real question is...
Now that i understand the problem. How do i appoach him with this 'theory'. He is unemotional, shut off and has a very high wall around him at the moment. My therapist is supportive but reminds me 'he has to want to help himself'
How do i remind him he can have everything he has ever wanted (children and happy future with me) and we can work through things...
How do i explain to him this might be the causes of our problems without blaming him. (I have worked hard on my problems for months now..)
How do i approach him at the best time where he can be more 'authentic' (he says one thing one minute and then changes his mind a while later) e.g 'i dont love you anymore' then two months later 'i never stopped loving you, i didnt mean it when i said i didnt'
He is willing to attend coucilling with me. (We only managed 4 joint sessions together before 2nd separation)
Is a one to one personal conversation between the two of us better.
I am not giving up on my life yet. After being the happiest we've ever been after most resent reconcilation i cant give up yet.
Thoughts welcome. I am very sensitive so be gentle!
Ive never posted on a forum before. So please bare with!
I have been married to my husband for two years. We have been together 10 years.(lived together for 7) no children. Im 27. Husband is 29.
my husband had an violent alcholic father who passed away when my husband was 19 (he hadnt seen him since he left when husband was 15 and had no contact)
My husband has tried to separate/end our marriage 3 times now over the last 5 months. (Once during a row about DIY!!) His main focus has always been getting on with selling our house and nothing else.
Full separation happened from sep-nov and a full reconcilation occured from nov-jan. We are now separated again from jan-feb. I havent seen him in a month.
I began wondering why my husband's reactions were so major and very 'knee jerk'.
There was one row where i wrongly shouted at him to 'get out the house' and it all went downhill from there.
To go from compleate bliss (lovely xmas, holiday booked, future plans etc..) and no hint of unhappyness to separating so quickly after one silly row.
I began to think that 'to him' it wasnt a silly row and maybe the words id used had reminded him of his childhood.
80% of the 'traits' of Acoa match up to his behaviour. And i can give a old and resent example to each one.
My real question is...
Now that i understand the problem. How do i appoach him with this 'theory'. He is unemotional, shut off and has a very high wall around him at the moment. My therapist is supportive but reminds me 'he has to want to help himself'
How do i remind him he can have everything he has ever wanted (children and happy future with me) and we can work through things...
How do i explain to him this might be the causes of our problems without blaming him. (I have worked hard on my problems for months now..)
How do i approach him at the best time where he can be more 'authentic' (he says one thing one minute and then changes his mind a while later) e.g 'i dont love you anymore' then two months later 'i never stopped loving you, i didnt mean it when i said i didnt'
He is willing to attend coucilling with me. (We only managed 4 joint sessions together before 2nd separation)
Is a one to one personal conversation between the two of us better.
I am not giving up on my life yet. After being the happiest we've ever been after most resent reconcilation i cant give up yet.
Thoughts welcome. I am very sensitive so be gentle!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, Suzy. Welcome. Good for you for coming to an enlightenment about your husband's behavior during arguments and your marriage.
Makes sense, I suppose. You may see rows as part of the give and take of your relationship, but he may see them as all or nothing, based on the events of his childhood. Every argument, to him, puts your marriage on a precipice.
Only one way to find out, and that is to talk about it with him when you are both calm.
It sounds like your husband would benefit from therapy, but that is really up to him.
No question that our parents are powerful models for us when we are children, in both positive and negative ways. My father had a hair trigger temper that would cause him to lash out unexpectedly. Guess who else had a temper in her youth? Yup. Me. Thankfully, that was another me, to whom I long ago said good-bye. Peace.
Makes sense, I suppose. You may see rows as part of the give and take of your relationship, but he may see them as all or nothing, based on the events of his childhood. Every argument, to him, puts your marriage on a precipice.
Only one way to find out, and that is to talk about it with him when you are both calm.
It sounds like your husband would benefit from therapy, but that is really up to him.
No question that our parents are powerful models for us when we are children, in both positive and negative ways. My father had a hair trigger temper that would cause him to lash out unexpectedly. Guess who else had a temper in her youth? Yup. Me. Thankfully, that was another me, to whom I long ago said good-bye. Peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Many thanks for your quick reply. You refer to the 'old you'/'another me' that used to behave in a certain way.
What made you realise that you had to do something to change? When did you know you needed to say 'goodbye' to that person?
It seems no matter what my husband is prepared to loose, that isnt enough to make him want to try/stay.
Is there a turning point that Acoa's experience that help them see the light in the dark? (I have tried to be the 'light' for him. Held his hand, listened to him talk and wipe away his tears)
What made you realise that you had to do something to change? When did you know you needed to say 'goodbye' to that person?
It seems no matter what my husband is prepared to loose, that isnt enough to make him want to try/stay.
Is there a turning point that Acoa's experience that help them see the light in the dark? (I have tried to be the 'light' for him. Held his hand, listened to him talk and wipe away his tears)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
I agree with Maudcat. I, too, had a temper. It took years to get most of it out of me. It's not gone, but I'm usually able to catch myself now.
Your husband is probably not angry with you. I was angry over how I was treated as a child, and I learned that, to be allowed to do things, I needed to get very angry. I could get mad at the smallest thing that reminded me of my treatment as a child. I walked away from several really neat ladies because of it. It wasn't until I was about 6 years into therapy that I started to see my "MO." I was redirecting my anger at my parents onto most anyone that came into my life.
But, as Maudcat said, your husband is the one that needs to make the decision on his therapy.
Your husband is probably not angry with you. I was angry over how I was treated as a child, and I learned that, to be allowed to do things, I needed to get very angry. I could get mad at the smallest thing that reminded me of my treatment as a child. I walked away from several really neat ladies because of it. It wasn't until I was about 6 years into therapy that I started to see my "MO." I was redirecting my anger at my parents onto most anyone that came into my life.
But, as Maudcat said, your husband is the one that needs to make the decision on his therapy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Many thanks for your words. His temper/anger isnt a major issue. He doesnt even really shout. Just very reacive behaviour. (Leaving the house at 2am dressed for work after a row etc...)
Can anyone give me their account of before they went to counciling and then how it made them see the light or see how their past was effecting their life?
I guess i was hoping that if i had an account of someone in a similair situation i could draw on that to show him the merits of therapy. That it doesnt have to be a painful battle and there is light and hope and better times ahead.
Many thanks!
Can anyone give me their account of before they went to counciling and then how it made them see the light or see how their past was effecting their life?
I guess i was hoping that if i had an account of someone in a similair situation i could draw on that to show him the merits of therapy. That it doesnt have to be a painful battle and there is light and hope and better times ahead.
Many thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
It will depend on how much he wants to change and how able he is to do it. I had my ex in counseling all the time and I felt SO BAD for his childhood and his alcoholic step fathers and enabling mother but in the end he didn't want to change enough and I had to learn and accept that I couldn't change him. Sorry that my story isn't what you want to hear but I think that you'll find most people in this group end up realizing that you cannot be responsible for someone else seeing the light and changing themselves. That is all on the other person and all we can do is to take care of ourselves. Our marriage actually lasted longer than it would have because I did go to Alanon and learned not to engage, and when he played his "I'm leaving" BS in the middle of the night I said go ahead and leave but don't come back if you do. It caught his attention and he did start working on himself. It ultimately didn't work because he was only doing it to stay with me, but it began a revolution in ME that gave me the strength to stay with him until I didn't want to stay with him anymore, and then gave me the strength to make a plan and leave. Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Thanks again for everyones comments. I fully understand you cant change someone. I dont want to change him. I want him to seek help to be able to help a very valuable relationship. I have no evidence to suggest any other reasons for leaving the relationship and neither does our therapist.
All i see is a very confused and hurt looking man. Who looks like a lost child. Who wasnt able to eat or sleep or function properly during hard times we've had. Who can be in touch with his emotions and can communicate to me when he is ready.
This is a man who bought baby items for a child we dont even have because he is so clear set on his desired future of a family with me.
I dont know many men that do that?
I understand there will be a time where i might have to let go. But at the moment a few weeks is too soon. Verves 10 amazing years.
I am very much focused on myself. Eating well, sleeping well and exercising. Keeping focused on work. With a very supportive family and therapist.
I just wish he would allow himself the same amount of self-care that he deserves.
I very much argee when people say their husband turns into too different people. Its hard to let go of the amazing husband you've had for the acoa husband that only rarely makes an appearance.
Thanks again everyone!
All i see is a very confused and hurt looking man. Who looks like a lost child. Who wasnt able to eat or sleep or function properly during hard times we've had. Who can be in touch with his emotions and can communicate to me when he is ready.
This is a man who bought baby items for a child we dont even have because he is so clear set on his desired future of a family with me.
I dont know many men that do that?
I understand there will be a time where i might have to let go. But at the moment a few weeks is too soon. Verves 10 amazing years.
I am very much focused on myself. Eating well, sleeping well and exercising. Keeping focused on work. With a very supportive family and therapist.
I just wish he would allow himself the same amount of self-care that he deserves.
I very much argee when people say their husband turns into too different people. Its hard to let go of the amazing husband you've had for the acoa husband that only rarely makes an appearance.
Thanks again everyone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm not sure there is a direct connect between his deceased father of 10 years and what you are going thru with NOW. he didn't just storm off for a six hours, cool off, and then return home. he physically and fully separated from you.........THREE times! and has not had F2F contact with you for a month.
it's not for you and your therapist to divine what MIGHT be going on with him. that's not fair, nor prudent, trying to get into someone else's head.
people change. maybe for him, the relationship has run it's course. that happens. even with a bunch of "plans". if he's busy working on selling the house, i'd say he's pretty darn serious about things!
what do his actions tell you? do they look like someone who wants to be in a committed relationship TODAY?
sorry, i tend more towards pragmatism and what IS......probably not what you wanted to hear.
it's not for you and your therapist to divine what MIGHT be going on with him. that's not fair, nor prudent, trying to get into someone else's head.
people change. maybe for him, the relationship has run it's course. that happens. even with a bunch of "plans". if he's busy working on selling the house, i'd say he's pretty darn serious about things!
what do his actions tell you? do they look like someone who wants to be in a committed relationship TODAY?
sorry, i tend more towards pragmatism and what IS......probably not what you wanted to hear.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
There are 2 books that really helped me a lot. The first: "Homecoming," by John Bradshaw. I read this book several years before I started therapy.
The second, which I read after I was seriously into therapy, was "Perfect Daughters," by Robert Ackerman. (Even though I'm a guy, it hit home.)
Here's a few links in this forum to book discussions. You might also want to search Ackerman and Bradshaw.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...98848-new.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-stickies.html
The second, which I read after I was seriously into therapy, was "Perfect Daughters," by Robert Ackerman. (Even though I'm a guy, it hit home.)
Here's a few links in this forum to book discussions. You might also want to search Ackerman and Bradshaw.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...98848-new.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-stickies.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Many thanks again for everyones comments and thoughtful suggested readings.
In reference to the valued comment of -
'if he is busy making plans of selling the house'
He has done nothing.....
No actions at all towards selling or trying to sell out house at all.
No speaking to agents, solistors, finishing the DIY, no pestering, not trying to get family and friends to convince me, not using our therapist to try and help and convince, not asking for joint sessions together...
Nothing...
Static....
So from those ACTIONS alone can i say he DOES want to sell the house?
Does he even know what he wants?
As the traits say. Its a rollercoaster!
when we recently reconcilied he said -
'i never wanted to sell the house i just didnt know what else to do'
Again? Can i ignore all the good and just listen to the bad?
I feel too many people in todays society do that. They give up too easily. Take things simply for face value without exploring it.
Just because someone tells you to jump off a cliff do you do it?
I believe you should stand for at least a minute before jumping and really decide if it is a good idea or not.
Emotional responses and acting on emotions never help anyone.
If there was no link to his behaviour and his father passing away ten years ago then why does he keep doing things (and even today has) that match up with the laundary list of acoas?
He had no therapy as a child. No discussion or real grieving process. And his father has never been mentioned 'publicly' by the family since....
Storming out for 10mins and calming down doesnt cut it anymore. It doesnt give him enough'relief' anymore. He has done that for ten years. Maybe he desires bigger reliefs to the frustration and despair..
Surely there are some postives/postive stories out there?
In reference to the valued comment of -
'if he is busy making plans of selling the house'
He has done nothing.....
No actions at all towards selling or trying to sell out house at all.
No speaking to agents, solistors, finishing the DIY, no pestering, not trying to get family and friends to convince me, not using our therapist to try and help and convince, not asking for joint sessions together...
Nothing...
Static....
So from those ACTIONS alone can i say he DOES want to sell the house?
Does he even know what he wants?
As the traits say. Its a rollercoaster!
when we recently reconcilied he said -
'i never wanted to sell the house i just didnt know what else to do'
Again? Can i ignore all the good and just listen to the bad?
I feel too many people in todays society do that. They give up too easily. Take things simply for face value without exploring it.
Just because someone tells you to jump off a cliff do you do it?
I believe you should stand for at least a minute before jumping and really decide if it is a good idea or not.
Emotional responses and acting on emotions never help anyone.
If there was no link to his behaviour and his father passing away ten years ago then why does he keep doing things (and even today has) that match up with the laundary list of acoas?
He had no therapy as a child. No discussion or real grieving process. And his father has never been mentioned 'publicly' by the family since....
Storming out for 10mins and calming down doesnt cut it anymore. It doesnt give him enough'relief' anymore. He has done that for ten years. Maybe he desires bigger reliefs to the frustration and despair..
Surely there are some postives/postive stories out there?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Suzy: I would consider my situation a happy one, now that my therapy has really started to take hold. There are others on here who have turned their lives around and now lead happy, healthy lives.
The one thing that might look "negative" are the situations many of us find ourselves in... in order to keep "sane" :-) , we distance ourselves from certain family and/or friends because they can't behave like adults... This is called "setting boundaries," and it's an unfortunate, but necessary step so we can live our lives without interference from the "trauma" that these people want to inject into our lives.
The one thing that might look "negative" are the situations many of us find ourselves in... in order to keep "sane" :-) , we distance ourselves from certain family and/or friends because they can't behave like adults... This is called "setting boundaries," and it's an unfortunate, but necessary step so we can live our lives without interference from the "trauma" that these people want to inject into our lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Thank you mike.
I actually wrote down yesterday (before reading your post)
- set boundaries...
Is this where you set out what is ok and not ok for your acoa partner?
Does anyone have any particular reading matieral on boundary setting?
No one wants to start sounding like a headmistress to there partner...
And i guess your acoa partner can set boundaries too?
Many thanks again!
I actually wrote down yesterday (before reading your post)
- set boundaries...
Is this where you set out what is ok and not ok for your acoa partner?
Does anyone have any particular reading matieral on boundary setting?
No one wants to start sounding like a headmistress to there partner...
And i guess your acoa partner can set boundaries too?
Many thanks again!
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