BrokenBird

Hello, I'm new here and this is my first post. I guess I'll just use this thread to post my story and what brought me here.

I met someone a few months ago and it was amazing. He was everything I could ever ask for in a partner. Things were going really well and really quickly. Within 2 months, he moved in with me. I even met his family. He told me when we first dated that he has a history with addiction but he is in recovery and has been clean for 6 months. I didn't really know anything about this and decided I will still give him a chance because it was a part of his past.

I was so wrong. He relapsed within a month of living with me and I confronted him. He denied it of course. I got other people involved and he agreed to move to a sober-living house. I watched him detox on his own and helped him move his things out. We agreed to continue our relationship but I could tell he was really ashamed of himself and was really unsure about us. That hurt because I was so in love with him and I couldn't get myself to let him go. I realize now that I am codependent and plan on attending meetings to help me learn how to take care of myself. Right now, I have no idea how to live my life without him and I feel severely alone and depressed. I am trying my best to fill my time by keeping myself busy but I can only do so much until I feel so broken again. Just recently, he told me he can't drag me down this road with him and he just couldn't live with himself hurting one more person in his life. He said he always worked on his recovery for other people but this time he wants to work on it for himself. He said if I'm part of his life, I will be a distraction and he will get sober for the wrong reasons. He said that he can't love me right now because he doesn't even love himself right now. He has not been sober a whole year and he has been battling this for 10+ years. I agreed to give him space but we decided to stay friends.

We still see each other once a week since we go to church together. I'm not sure if there are other steps I should be taking. I am still hopeful to get back into a relationship with him again. I know how crazy that sounds because there is no trust there anymore. But I just can't seem to let go. I hope he will see how amazing I was one day and come back to me.

kevlarsjal

I think it sounds very reasonable and responsible of him even if it hurts you now. I think it's most important to get sober for himself and not to do that for someone else. So it's good he understood that now.

And my advice to you would be to try and not take it personal if you can. For an alcoholic, especially someone who's been struggling with it for years and years getting sober can be a decision about life or death. It's hard work too. And he'll probably need to put all of his energy and focus on getting sober, so there wouldn't be anything left for you or anyone. And I'm sure he loves you very much too and that's why he also wants to protect you from himself at this unstable state. I would even say it's probably much harder for him than it is for you. He has to deal with his feeling for you/ the breakup AND getting sober which both in itself is a real challenge. Give him time and let him work on this for himself and maybe in the future it'll turn out he saved you from a nightmare or in the best case you'll be rewarded with an even better version of him.

ljc267

This is tough. I understand what he is saying about getting sober for himself. That is very important imo, so he is moving in the right direction. If you truly want the best for him, and I believe you do, I would give him the space/time to figure it out. He is probably lost and trying to find himself.

BrokenBird

Thank you for your responses. They are extremely helpful. It's hard because I just saw his profile on an online dating site and it makes me really wonder if he ever really loved me. A part of me wonders if he still loves me and misses me at all. I hope he does. And I hope one day he'll realize how amazing I was to him and come back to me.

I also wonder if he's using the online dating site to cope with his feelings of shame and guilt and fear. I don't know. I know we decided to stay friends but I wonder if he decided to use that as an excuse because he didn't want to be with me anymore.

Today is just really hard. Any help or encouragement or advice would be much appreciated.

Ariesagain

If you spend some time here reading other threads, you'll see that you aren't alone. What you're describing is textbook...whirlwind romance, fast commitment, sparkles, rainbows and dreams come true...until little things start to come up that start to paint a picture of addiction. Followed by a relapse...followed by a honeymoon period...followed by a relapse.

In a way, he's being absolutely truthful in saying he's not good for you or anyone while he's in active addiction. The fact that he's on a dating site, though, means he's probably still looking for that mythical relationship that will magically make him sober from the outside.

It's a little like being hit by a bus in that it's actually not personal and it really, really hurts. It was nothing that you did, say, or are...it really is him. He's already in a relationship with his drug of choice and there's really no room for anyone else.

As they say here, pray for him and stay away from him. You will recover faster that way and some day you will see that you were fortunate. There are people here who have lost decades trying to love an addict into health.

But I know it hurts.

Maudcat

Hi, BrokenBird. Welcome. Perhaps it would be in your best interest to let the friendship idea go for now. I think you may be seeing things, like shame and guilt on his part driving him to dating sites, that are not there..
Fact is, addicts take hostages. If one manages to wrest loose, the addict is immediately on the hunt for another.
Really, your SO has given you a wonderful gift: life without him in it. There are many on this site who would trade places with your situation in a blink.
It isn't productive to try to ascertain the addict's thinking and how he is feeling, or if he loved you at all.
He may have, but he loves alcohol more. It isn't you. It's him.
I am sorry for your sadness . I hope that in time you will come to see that you have dodged a substantial bullet, in that you were not married and you did not have children together.
Have you thought about going to Al-Anon meetings? Great source of support there.

Learninganew

I am pleased that you are still going to church and I hope that you find it helpful. I've just come home from a nice midweek church supper. We pray and share together a bit, sometimes about difficulties in relationships and so on. As I'm sure you'll appreciate, it's a lot more difficult to share and get support if a former partner's still in the social circle. That's not to discourage you from using your church friends to get you through a difficult time. I'm just wondering if there's another way to approach this.

Babescake

I think you should give him the space he needs. You didn't specify alcohol or drugs, they each have their pull. For me, despite the utter hatred and disgust, plus rock bottoms I have been through, doing it for someone else doesn't work. He is right that he needs to do it for himself, and if that requires certain strps, like staying away from you, give it to him. In his case, it is life and death so abide by his wishes. Yes it hurts, guaranteed it hurts him too. But if you are meant to be down the road, so be it. But right now you can't be first in his life. Sobriety must be and he is telling you that.

uncorked

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts terribly but your best course of action would probably be to stay away for awhile. I don't understand why he's on a dating site -- that's an insane distraction from the issue at hand and suggests that he's not that serious about his sobriety.

bethshebas

You said you just saw his online dating profile...is it active? Could be an old post.

This might sound cliche' but its an old saying "if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's love, if it doesn't it never was"

of course that is easier said than done.

shebleeved

Hi there - I was just reading your post and wondered how things were for you now. I just posted something very similar to what you experienced. I fell fast and hard for this guy, and I thought he was doing the same....then he just pulled back. We never moved in with each other or went beyond kissing, nor did he relapse, but he did say he needed to focus on himself, his recovery and his kids for now, but that he could see himself with me one day.

Anyway just wondered how you are faring and what advice you would give someone who seems to be faced with a similar situation.

Regardless, I hope you have found happiness outside of this relationship