brokenwife15

As some of you may know from my previous posts, I am on the roller-coaster ride of early recovery for both myself as a co-addict and co-dependent and my newlywed husband who is a heroin addict with about 50 days clean time. It's been a tumultuous past two months since the secret of his addiction was revealed to me. I've fluctuated between feelings of anger, betrayal, depression, grief, and small waves of sympathy. I have zero trust in anything my husband says and I don't see that changing any time soon, if ever. Actions are definitely speaking louder than words at this point, and I feel like my life is in a state of limbo as I observe the transformation in our relationship.

Our dynamic at home is very different since he returned from inpatient rehab ~3 weeks ago. It's like we've had a complete role reversal. In the past I was so optimistic about everything (in denial about our problems) and would do anything I could to improve his life (enabling, as I now recognize it). Now I am in shock about the reality of my life, versus the fantasy life I believed I had and exhausted myself in trying to maintain. I spend most moments at home moping about with a negative reaction to everything that happens. I know I am doing this, yet I can't pull myself out of it. RAH on the other hand, is acting like he has this new lease on life and everything is glorious. He is finally of a mental and physical capacity where he can suddenly do all of those things I so wanted him to do for years, i.e. get a job, pay for his expenses, contribute around the house, be on time, be responsible in general, etc. It's all very shocking to witness the complete 180 degree turn from his pre-recovery life.

And as much as I try to focus on my own recovery (I go to mtgs, read these boards extensively, see individual and couples counselors, and am trying to rediscover my self which I lost in my husband's addiction), I can't help but feel like I'm just along for the ride, still being strongly affected by his actions. Even more so, these are all positive changes he's making and yet I can't find it in myself to be happy. It's like I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop. I'm scared to show any sign of happiness with these improvements, to myself, to him and even to those outside of our relationship. I suspect this is due to a number of reasons, most significantly my being afraid to rebuild our relationship. What if I actually start feeling happy again and he relapses? I refuse to go back to the dysfunction and chaos of a life with active addiction. But given how likely relapses are, am I just delaying an inevitable split and extended heartache?

I'm appreciative of any words of wisdom or similar experiences you all may have to offer. Thank you!

Hechosedrugs

I think you have every reason to be skeptical- as you know, the odds are stacked against you. That doesn't mean that there aren't those who defy the odds. But it's good to be cautious.

Keep working your program. Holding yourself accountable will help you to be honest with yourself about what's going on with him. As partners of addicts, we become experts at seeing the signs-it's just that our hearts won't always let us believe our eyes.

You're probably still coming to terms with a lot of disappointment and betrayal. Give yourself a break. He may be a changed man, and if so, great! But he'll need to understand that the slate can't just be wiped clean. Recovered addicts have a hard time with that. They've changed! They did the hard work! Why can't they be praised by us (the ones they've hurt, and dare I say, often, the ones whose lives they've blown apart) like they are at their meetings? Well, it's just not that easy.

I don't know if any of this made sense or if it's the support you needed. I've got my own battle going on and can barely keep my head straight.

Wishing you peace.

tearsforfears

I feel for you. I've been there, though my AH has never actually completed a rehab program. As soon as he starts, he wants immediate praise for "making progress," and he hates that I'm still hung up on what's happened in the past. Then he quits treatment. The one time he was clean for more than a month, he was a totally different person - happy, bright, cheerful, animated...I was thrilled to see him like that but also skeptical because I suspected it wouldn't last (and it didn't).

It's great that your husband is feeling positive - now it's up to him to prove that there's something to be positive about. You have every right to be cautious. He's hurt you and you had to put up walls to deal with it. You don't have to take them down right away. Let them come down on their own, over time, as he proves that he can stay the course and continue the self-improvement.

Good luck! I hope this really is the beginning of a more positive relationship for you both.

heartcore

Practicing new roles in a relationship can be emotionally exhausting.

You have a familiar way of relating with him, but his new role is unfamiliar & requires a different interaction.

Keep yourself safe, & keep taking space to build your individual life. You could approach this as just something to experiment with, play with, talk about.

Optimism is a form of fuel. He could be for real. What if he could hold that level of positivity? Would you relax into it?

The fear is that you'll lean in & he'll turn. People relapse, sometimes after solid periods of optimism.

& others don't.

Recovery almost has to be optimistic & enthusiastic.

Depressive recovery is grim.

Seriously. Take away someone's core coping tools if they aren't "all in"?

So, don't know, but you could check out this new guy & see if you like him. If he can't hold recovery, well, then you'll know.

But only one person on Earth knows the right way to handle this, & that's you. You know this situation better than anyone. Who is this guy? Who are you around this guy? That's always the more valuable question...

hopeful4

I don't think this is unusual at all.

The thing about an addict is that the shoe could, and usually does, drop again at some point in the future. Even with years of clean time, there is always a chance of relapse. That is truly why you have to embrace the day at a time, which I know for myself is the hardest part of any recovery, for the addict and for their families.

Only you can decide if you can live with the risk of relapse again in the future.

So...what can you do now to make you feel more in control.

#1. Keep working on YOU!!!! You are doing great, keep doing those things even when you don't feel like it. I know when I would go to meetings I never wanted to go, but was always glad I did.

#2. Form a plan of relapse. What do you plan to do if he relapses? Sit down and talk about that with him so there are no surprises for him, or for you. Having a plan will make you feel more in control of your own future.

#3. Work on finances. Keep it all separate. Have your own funds available at all times. I think this for any couple, should things go south you want to be able to take care of YOU.

#4. Maybe it's time for you to have a little vacation. A spa weekend. A couple days away for you to RELAX and take care of YOU!

Hugs, you are not alone!!!!

And ps...it's ok to not be his cheerleader. It's time to focus on you, and him on himself and his own recovery. It's ok to let enabling go, that's healthy!

brokenwife15

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses.

Hechosedrugs - yes, everything you said does make sense and I so appreciate it all. You're right - I am still coming to terms with a lot of feelings over this. When I read "Give yourself a break" I actually said out loud (to myself) "Yes, I should give myself a break!" - haha, so THANK YOU for that. As much as I'd like everything to be figured out right this second, I need to be realistic in realizing it will all come in due time. Good luck to you in your own battle.

tearsforfears - thank you! Yes, there are definitely walls up and your comments are a helpful reminder that only time will tell if/when they're ready to come down.

heartcore - this new role sure is emotionally exhausting! It's a very strange feeling for me to question how I should act in almost every circumstance now. There's my impulsive old co-dependent behavior that tries to spring to the surface and then I'm almost paralyzed in indecision until I can find the strength to respond in a healthier way. And when I can't find the strength to sort it all out is when I tend to opt for the easier option to not respond, which leads to my depressive state. I'm hoping as I relearn healthy behaviors and rediscover myself, I'll be able to answer that valuable question of who am I around my husband. Thank you!

hopeful7 - it really is so hard to live one day at a time. We just got married and I want to plan our future. Before I knew about his addiction, there was a rough plan in place to start a family soon. Now that plan is obviously on hold, which is hard for me to deal with as my biological clock ticks on. Meanwhile, thank you for your ideas of things I can tackle now - you've definitely given me some focus areas to look at. I'm especially liking the idea of a little vacation!

hopeful4

I am going to say this, and I say it kindly.

Please do not procreate with this man. Being with an addict is sad and awful. Add children to the mix and it becomes the most traumatic, chaotic and painful thing you have ever experienced. There is no love like the love you feel for your child, and your need to protect them. To watch them deal with the pain of having an addict parent and the manipulation and hurt that comes with it is terrible. And God forbid that the marriage does not hold, the courts do not protect children of addicts. It's tragic and awful. Said from a momma who coparents with my X husband who is an alcoholic and addicted to RX drugs. It's horrible, the most horrible and frustrating thing I have ever experienced.

Again, I say this with kindness because people just have no idea.

Take that vacation, you deserve it!

brokenwife15

hopeful - thank you for the warning, and I'm sorry for what you've experienced with your ex and children.

For me, having a child with my husband - now that I know he is an addict and after reading the horror stories on these forums - is not something I am considering right now or anytime soon, if ever. I guess one major area I'm struggling with - on top of sorting out all of my feelings related to my life blowing up in front of my eyes - is if there will ever be a time to have kids with him, i.e. if he can prove himself as a recovering addict for X amount of time and I decide I can continue a life with someone who's addiction turned mine upside-down. I do understand that would still be a gamble. It's all just very difficult to process.

When my husband was in rehab he told me about one guy there who was in for addiction too. This guy had to leave rehab earlier than expected because his wife went into labor. Um, hell no. I told my husband that would be a nightmare scenario for me... to be about to give birth and have him go into rehab for addiction. So, I probably just answered my own concern there... that there will never be a safe time to start a family because the threat of relapse is always there. It's all just so sad and hard to come to terms with.

dandylion

brokenwife,...I get that you are sad about this....but, I can tell you, that coming to terms with it now, is a hundred times easier than to come to terms with it after the fact!

zoso77

I can understand where you're coming from. The fear. The uncertainty. Not knowing if or when your RAH will relapse.

But the truth is the only thing in this life that is certain is it will someday end for all of. The rest of it unfolds along the way. Sometimes events are a consequence of our own decision. Other times, we get blindsided by something we didn't see coming. What does all of this mean? It means you have to focus on the things you can affect, even if you have to fake it until you make it.

What I will encourage you to do, however, is to have a worst-case scenario response in place. If perchance your RAH goes around the bend again, you're going to have to make a decision as to what you're going to do. And I wouldn't mess around if you're confronted with a worst-case scenario. I'd do what you have to do.

hopeful4

Yes, what Zoso just said!

Plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best.

Sending you a tight hug!

Whitewingeddove

My RAH and I have been together 28 1/2 years. The first 18 (off and on) were a lot of hell, and created "co-dependent me"... His periods of clean time (from the crack) eventually got longer and longer until he made it to the 4 year mark. Then "wham", back at it again.......

He went to rehab in 12/2005 for approx. 30 days, had one "slip" in 6/2006, and has THANK GOD never touched it again.

My point being, there are no guarantees in anything in life, as has been said. there is no magic threshold where you can say "there! It's all good!". Life happens the way it happens. It just is what it is (as far as things that come our way).

I've heard it said that it's not what life throws at us that's important, but how we handle it. I think this is so true. So many people said I was so "strong" for standing by his side all those years. I actually think it was the opposite. I was scared, young and very very weak. We also had a child together, which made it ever more tragic/sad.

I don't "think" my DH would relapse now, but there are no guarantees. Our "child" is now 25 and is a heroin addict (amongst other drugs). He's been to rehab 10 times, and is currently fighting the good fight to stay clean. DH is seeing the whole other side to addiction. The part where it tears us apart to stand on the tracks, see the train coming for our loved one, and not be able to do anything about it. So.....I don't "think" he would, but I don't let it consume me anymore. I've learned to trust myself enough to know that I will have the strength to deal with it or will walk away if and when the time comes...

I don't think anyone can tell you when you are "ready" to be done with it all. It's a personal thing. As far as his recovery goes, try not to get too far ahead of yourself. Take things as the addict is instructed to do..."one day at a time" and sometimes even one hour at a time...

try to stay in the moment, and appreciate the drama free days. As other have said, have a "plan" for yourself. Once you do, put that aside, and just try to be mindful of today and enjoy all that's good........right now......for TODAY

I'm learning to set thoughts of my son aside.....(its a work in progress) I think about him every day, but am getting better at not obsessing about it. When I recognize the thought patterns, I try to distract myself with something else and focus on ME.

Hugs

KeepinItReal

Been here. This has to be a normal response. I felt/feel a lot like this. I think because of all the stuff that has been swept under the rug.
Personally - my answer is to stay in recovery. Weather he does or not. It's our life. We are forever changed... because of what our experiences are and we have to make the best life we can for ourselves... no matter what.
Good luck.

Wishful04

It's early days yet and pressuring yourself to feel happy likely isn't going to help.
I think your feelings are quite normal and natural. I was there after my now ex left rehab uhh 3 or 4 years ago now?
His pink cloud of happiness was all an illusion as he unbeknownst to me used the first week or so out of rehab and simply kept on using and lying to the entire recovery community while putting on quite the show in between chronic binges that he was working his recovery.
Not saying this is the case for you or your DH but I completely agree with the others that building up your own plan and own recovery are first priority. I used to think it would be hopefully very different for my ex and I...it wasn't - we are much like each and every story I read on these boards at the time. A ton of unnecessary heartache and pain.

I think also listening to our gut is good, grieving and honouring our emotions is healthy. I was resistant to being another cheerleader to my ex's recovery because honestly he had a ton of those and my gut was telling me something was not quite right and I wish I had honoured myself and not ignored it. Recovery is selfish they say...it has to be..,well that includes yours just as much as his. I think it's easier for the recovering drug addict to be selfish because their behaviours in addiction are inherently selfish. It seems those struggling as the supposed loved ones or codependents have a harder time with perhaps what we see as selfish behaviour that is perhaps just self care and self protection.