Seeking support from spouses of recovering alcoholics, with small children
Recovering Codependent
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 33
Seeking support from spouses of recovering alcoholics, with small children
Hello all! I figured this would be more efficient than sifting through thread after thread, to seek out those in my similar situation.
I am married to my RAH; he is roughly 60 days into his recovery. Additionally, we have one 3 y/o DD, who we both love and adore. I've gotten some wonderful advice and guidance from others here in SR regarding how to support a recovering alcoholic, but I still struggle with the balance of life, especially with children, his stepwork/recovery/meetings, MY recovery/meetings, both our work/jobs/exercise/hobbies, etc...
I'm hoping to hear the struggles, successes, and lessons others in my family situation have been through. Thank you for your time in reading this!
I am married to my RAH; he is roughly 60 days into his recovery. Additionally, we have one 3 y/o DD, who we both love and adore. I've gotten some wonderful advice and guidance from others here in SR regarding how to support a recovering alcoholic, but I still struggle with the balance of life, especially with children, his stepwork/recovery/meetings, MY recovery/meetings, both our work/jobs/exercise/hobbies, etc...
I'm hoping to hear the struggles, successes, and lessons others in my family situation have been through. Thank you for your time in reading this!
Last edited by LynCM; 02-21-2017 at 10:32 AM. Reason: typo in title
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Lyn, this seems to be a really slow traffic day on F&F for A's!!! i just wanted to reply that i did read your post.
it's a learning process - your schedules ARE changing, but it's not really that much different than if one of you signed up for night classes, or started training for a marathon. you figure out what works. sometimes when we add new stuff we have to let something else go, unless we plan on being awake for 20 hours each and every day.
it's not a rush, nor a competition. you don't have to DO IT ALL. do what is necessary, right and healing for you. let him worry about him.
i was a single/divorced mom of a 4 year old when i first got sober. i took her to lots of meetings with me. i'd pack a quiet activity bag, we'd have the talk about expected behavior, and if she was already a screaming meemie, we didn't go! thankfully i was blessed with a really well behaved kid!!!! when i chaired meetings, she got to bang the gavel. i did not let her run around unsupervised. she sat next to me, or sometimes on my lap. now that was AA.....i'm not as familiar with the inner workings of Alanon, and if there is any child care provided at the meetings, or if kids are ever allowed.
it's a learning process - your schedules ARE changing, but it's not really that much different than if one of you signed up for night classes, or started training for a marathon. you figure out what works. sometimes when we add new stuff we have to let something else go, unless we plan on being awake for 20 hours each and every day.
it's not a rush, nor a competition. you don't have to DO IT ALL. do what is necessary, right and healing for you. let him worry about him.
i was a single/divorced mom of a 4 year old when i first got sober. i took her to lots of meetings with me. i'd pack a quiet activity bag, we'd have the talk about expected behavior, and if she was already a screaming meemie, we didn't go! thankfully i was blessed with a really well behaved kid!!!! when i chaired meetings, she got to bang the gavel. i did not let her run around unsupervised. she sat next to me, or sometimes on my lap. now that was AA.....i'm not as familiar with the inner workings of Alanon, and if there is any child care provided at the meetings, or if kids are ever allowed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Exactly. I think the key is to prioritize. Maybe you let some activities go for a bit. The world won't fall apart. We ALL have to think about what we can "afford" in terms of time, money, effort. And we spend more on what's most important--to us.
Assuming he stays sober, eventually he will be able to contribute more to the household. And he'll be a lot more reliable than when he was drinking.
And yes, some Al-Anon meetings have childcare. Sometimes it's very informal where moms (or dads) who are "regulars" take turns playing with the kids in another room. Some groups that are larger and have the money might even pay someone to do it. Otherwise, I've seen plenty of kids at AA AND Al-Anon meetings. Most of the time it's fine as long as you don't allow them to be disruptive to others.
Assuming he stays sober, eventually he will be able to contribute more to the household. And he'll be a lot more reliable than when he was drinking.
And yes, some Al-Anon meetings have childcare. Sometimes it's very informal where moms (or dads) who are "regulars" take turns playing with the kids in another room. Some groups that are larger and have the money might even pay someone to do it. Otherwise, I've seen plenty of kids at AA AND Al-Anon meetings. Most of the time it's fine as long as you don't allow them to be disruptive to others.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Lyn,
I have two boys, ages 3(4 in March) and 5.
I think that having young children and also trying to work, take care of the house, try to have something that resembles a social life, etc....is a struggle in the best and most stable of circumstances, and then when you add in alcoholism / recovery work.... oh man, it's just really hard and has been nearly impossible for for me to feel balanced at many points along the way.
But I think I'm getting there.
I've learned that some things just have to give. My house is not always (actually more like almost never) perfectly clean. Sometimes we have Cheerios for dinner. Sometimes bedtime is later than it should be.... but I try not to stress too much about all of that. I'm doing the best I can and my children are LOVED.
I'm almost always at least 5 minutes late for work (thank goodness for an understanding supervisor)
I unfortunately have to miss out on Al-anon meetings because they don't work with my schedule, but I do come here, and I try to do my daily readings and journal... and that helps. Sometimes my progress feels very slow, but it IS progress.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself.... One day at a time!
Big hugs to you!!!
I have two boys, ages 3(4 in March) and 5.
I think that having young children and also trying to work, take care of the house, try to have something that resembles a social life, etc....is a struggle in the best and most stable of circumstances, and then when you add in alcoholism / recovery work.... oh man, it's just really hard and has been nearly impossible for for me to feel balanced at many points along the way.
But I think I'm getting there.
I've learned that some things just have to give. My house is not always (actually more like almost never) perfectly clean. Sometimes we have Cheerios for dinner. Sometimes bedtime is later than it should be.... but I try not to stress too much about all of that. I'm doing the best I can and my children are LOVED.
I'm almost always at least 5 minutes late for work (thank goodness for an understanding supervisor)
I unfortunately have to miss out on Al-anon meetings because they don't work with my schedule, but I do come here, and I try to do my daily readings and journal... and that helps. Sometimes my progress feels very slow, but it IS progress.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself.... One day at a time!
Big hugs to you!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I can only say love on that little angel of yours.
Yes, you gotta go to work, meetings, etc, but at the end of the journey, the question remains:
What will you regret the most: missing time to do all those other things, or not spending that 15-20 minutes rolling around on the floor/taking her out for a cone/walk/etc with that little one?
I have 4 kids (youngest is 8) and I try my hardest to spend time with each. Not easy but man, is it worth it!
Yes, you gotta go to work, meetings, etc, but at the end of the journey, the question remains:
What will you regret the most: missing time to do all those other things, or not spending that 15-20 minutes rolling around on the floor/taking her out for a cone/walk/etc with that little one?
I have 4 kids (youngest is 8) and I try my hardest to spend time with each. Not easy but man, is it worth it!
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