I'm doing a 5th step for the first time, and...

Old 02-21-2017, 07:54 AM
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Arrow I'm doing a 5th step for the first time, and...

I don't want to talk about everything. There are some things in the sexuality area that I do not want to talk about.


I fully believe in my heterosexuality (as a man, I've always been attracted to women, and sexually attracted to women since puberty) but people have always viewed me or accused me of being homosexual. I hate it and I hate society for it. I truly have deep seeded HATE for society because of this, I believe.


It makes me angry, scared, upset, etc in many ways and has hurt me tremendously...but I don't want to talk about it. Not with this sponsor who is going to 5th step me, nor anyone else for that matter but I feel like I have to tell someone how much it has hurt me and hurts me every day, till this day.


I don't know how to proceed about it.
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Old 02-21-2017, 09:12 AM
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I am no longer a big stepper. I have been at a time in my life. I would say though that this sounds certainly a resentment. That is the primary gist of the 5th step, or rather 4th which goes into the 5th. It is up to you. I know one thing, I am much more comfortable with things in my past now than I was at one time. I think that has a lot to do with age. At some point if we work on things we accept ourselves, our past, and maybe somewhat just don't give a cr** what another person thinks of what we reveal. I don't know, but these things do become easier.
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Old 02-21-2017, 09:30 AM
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Thing is you just spoke about it, in here!

So why couldn't you share it with your sponsor? I believe you can share the 5th step with anyone it doesn't have to be with your actual sponsor.
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Old 03-26-2017, 05:21 AM
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Hi Amnesiac. In my childhood there was sexual shaming and abuse that caused pain and suffering throughout my life.

I agree with alyn, you wrote about your pain here and that's a huge step in confronting your own demons. The more you open up about it, the less power it will have over you. Eventually, you'll heal. Trust the process. Only through self-disclosure do we begin to heal.

The way you opened the topic in this thread seems an appropriate way of presenting the topic to others whom you feel trustworthy.
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Old 06-04-2017, 10:15 PM
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Is the fifth step different here? Admitting the exact nature of our wrongs. Where were you wrong in this, except perhaps in harbouring a resentment?

My wrongs were where I betrayed my own values. In the sexual area, as a straight man in the depths of alcoholism, I found myself with gay men. This was wrong for me personally, and it was wrong for me to try and use these well meaning gay men, the only people that showed any concern for me at all.

I felt terribly bad about that until I got it out in my fifth and discovered it was all pretty normal for alcoholics of my type.

In the fellowship I belong to, sponsors are the common go to for the fifth step, even though the program actually suggests a number of other options. It does not actually recommend another AA member in fact. It says we think long and hard about who will here our story.

For us too, the penalty for leaving things out is severe. The fifth step promises do not materialize is something is held back, and the things we hang onto are the things most likely to put a drink in our hands. " Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell."
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Old 06-05-2017, 05:32 AM
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Have you done a complete fourth step? That inventory package (the four) was key for me, from the little stuff I didn't "Expect" to the "obvious." There are worksheets that help guide you.

One thing that my sponsor told me about the sex inventory is that it is also (maybe even more importantly than literal sex) about how we behaved and treated others in relationships. Ex- the emotional impact on the wife of the man I had an affair with....my understanding is that a 4th step is crucial to be done thoroughly and to take the time we need while not belaboring the "everything" we need to include. We can revisit and do future 4th steps throughout our life in sobriety.

We all have different "stuff" but getting out the pain is what we all need to do, and accepting responsibility for our part ONLY in things that happened is critical....to moving forward.

Last note- I worked with my first sponsor through step 3 and at 4 and 5 and the rest of the way through, with my current sponsor who I began a different and more fitting relationship with to start at my 4th.

Take care of you- keep going. And I had to remember- we don't have to do it "all" at once. Moving at my pace (and keeping moving) was how I was directed. I am 469 days sober, so just past 15 mo and only "officially" finished the steps 4-6 weeks ago.
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