ljc267

I have been having trouble identifying my emotions. When I was drinking, 10 years, I had three emotions. Sad, angry, and happy. I'm saying this because I got some news today. My mom's mom died.

There is a backstory that I will touch on a bit, so that this makes some sense. My mom died 20 years ago. My grandma never treated my mom well. She was an alcoholic and so was my grandpa, whom I never met. He died of alcoholism when my mom was 15ish. My grandma would leave for weeks at a time and left my mom to take care of her 5 siblings. One was less than 2 yrs. old. Subsequently my mom had to drop out of school to care for them. You can guess where this goes. Moving forward, grandma becomes sober but doesn't change.

When my mom was dying she never came and saw her. I came to resent her for what she did to my mom. I never forgave her. We have had no contact for over 10 years.

Anyway, as I got this news today I was fine at first. Rather indifferent tbh. Now, as I sit here, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm not one of those three emotions and I can't truly identify how I feel. I feel kind of silly writing this because I'm a grown man and I don't know how I feel.

Any thoughts?

Done4today

Sorry for your loss ljc,

Whether you were close or estranged death always comes with a grieving process.

Resentments get you drunk, so pray for her everyday for the next two weeks and they will disappear. You need to forgive her to help keep you sober.

She was sick with an illness called alcoholism and didn't recover. She got sober but that doesn't mean she was cured of her illness.

Grymt

not really except I can identify. When my dad died I was almost through a rehab. I hadn't seen him or heard from him for years. I don't know what I felt but ( he died in Norway) when I went to visit his grave a halfyear later I sat there and tried to figure out what I felt. I ended up busting again. It took an enormous effort to get back home and then to continue to drink for another six months until I finally had enough and quit. That was 13 odd years ago (with a very brief hickup in between) and I still don't know what I felt then just don't let it be an excuse to drink.

ljc267

Thanks guys. It's not an issue of me wanting to drink.

I'm really trying to grow as a person. I think it's important for me to understand myself better, and this threw me.

I really don't know if there's an answer or even a question. I guess I just wanted to get that of my chest.

Done4today

Good luck ljc,

Have you tried to meditate on it?

If I called my sponsor with that, his reponse would be "what step are you on?". He trained me to handle all situations using a step as the map to a solution.

Dee74

My grandad was not a nice man - he was selfish, alcoholic, immature immoral and often violent.

He lived to be 96.

I couldn't feel anything for the guy when he died, although I did feel for my mum and her siblings and their sorrow....after everything he was their dad.

I guess I'm trying to say it's ok to feel nothing...and whatever you do feel is valid ljc

D

PhoenixJ

ljc- I did post before- but the ether has it.
My dad died when I was in a coma (booze- long story). He was alcoholic. Grief presents itself in weird ways. Sober I understand it is a whole mess of feelings I have to deal with. I try to ride the feelings out, calm down then write down what I felt. From there I try to figure out why. I also am mindful not to get stuck on the memories- but plug away at it.

Gottalife

Identifying emotions was a big problem when I first got sober. I was pretty good at keeping a lid on things, but when I was sober emotions seemed to be appearing out of the wood work, and I didn't always know what they were. I made a lot of mistakes as a result.

The thing I used to hate the most was when some clown of a counsellor would ask me "how are you feeling?" I had no idea.

Later in life, I lost some people and ran into some extreme emotions. I wondered if my feelings were valid, or normal, or if I was going crazy. My AA friends were not able to help. Grief is not what AA is for. I went to a grief counsellor and she explained all. Mainly that grief has a mind of its own.

Perhaps, also when someone dies, there can be regrets for things left unsaid, for forgiveness witheld, for lost opportunties to put matters right. That was something my sponsor showed me. Today, with all the people I love, there is nothing unsaid between us.

hodor

Yep emotions are an interesting one. I identify a lot with your story, I buried all of the emotions under drink from the time I started drinking way back in my teens.
It's now hard to deal with them, or like you said, even identify what they are. I know there are books out there about this particular topic but I haven't gotten to them in my reading list yet.

In early sobriety I once had a burst of emotion that lasted almost a week. It was like every emotion I ever could have came at me at once. It was truly bizarre, I would be crying about things that never used to bother me, I was up, down, all over the place. It went back to 'a new normal' after that, but I was never the same. I've been seeking that place since so I can feel again

Do let me know how you go with this. I'm really interested to hear your journey.

ljc267

Thanks everyone for responding. It is very helpful.

I think a lot of it boils down to not forgiving her for what she did to my mom. I'm generally a very forgiving person but when I don't forgive I don't.

That's a me issue more then anything else. I need to forgive her for who she was. It doesn't really matter why she acted and treated people the way she did. I think, anyway, in order for me to move past it I need to forgive her.

Also, maybe I feel upside down because I could have told her I resented her but forgive her. Probably wouldn't have mattered to her but it would have guaranteed she knew where I stood. Unresolved issue possibly?

I will start with accepting her for who she was, and forgiving her for it.

Gottalife

Ljc, there is a book called "The Shack" by Willem P Young. I read it about five years ago on the recommendation of a friend. it taught me more about forgiveness than anything else I have ever seen or done. Well worth a look.

August252015

So glad you posted! IME conflicting emotions about the death/loss of anyone "difficult" for us are normal, if confusing and unsettling. I have had a similar reaction about feeling nothing then....different stuff following. I was very little when my mom's dad died and he was a horribly abusive alcoholic; since I was so young I didn't even know what grief was at the time- since going into recovery myself (my mom is also a recovered alcoholic) I have learned a lot about him and had very different emotions.....

My approach to any emotionally complicated stuff is to feel what I am feeling, and not judge it (best I can do that). Talk to my therapist, sponsor, (in recovery) bf, etc. Process, and compartmentalize which I am pretty good at doing. I try to understand why I am disturbed, what it brings up IN ME, not about them (I am in AA so this is the suggested path of handling anything that bothers us)....and move forward.

My best to you- take care of yourself, and keep going, sober.

ljc267

Thanks, I will look into it.

ljc267

I think the judging part is where I get stuck. I tend to over analyze my thoughts instead of letting them come in, recognize them, and let them go.

Instead, I say to myself, why do you feel this way, or you should feel different.