ad0117

I recently read a wonderful book that has really helped me on my journey of healing since the XAB left. It’s called The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tuto. I’ve come a long way since the initial shock and hurt of him leaving – working on being the best version of myself that I can be and getting stronger. The one thing I struggle with the most is forgiveness. I’ve always thought of myself as a forgiving person, but trying to forgive the person who broke my heart into a billion pieces has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.

It’s been a year and a half since I’ve seen him and I still think of him every day. I still miss him and the good times we had. But then, I’ll think of how he hurt me and the pain I went through, and I’m filled with so much anger.

What I love most about The Book of Forgiving are the activities and meditations included in each chapter. Chapter 6 is on granting forgiveness and the meditation here was the most challenging for me. It asks to imagine the person you would like to forgive as a baby and you are his mother. You are holding this innocent baby, who has not yet hurt you, in your arms. Then, it asks if you can wish him well, send compassion, and let him go. I tried and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t wish him well. Is it terrible that I want him to feel the pain that I felt? I pray that one day I will be able to forgive him and be at peace with what happened.

Has anyone read this book? Does anyone else feel like I do? I’d like to hear about others' experiences with forgiveness. What are your struggles? What has helped you?

Bekindalways

Hi ad! I haven't read that book but have wanted to read more about what happened in South Africa.

Your subject line caught my eye as a monk once told me that the first step in forgiving was admitting to not being ready.

I have been able to forgive many who hurt me but it took a long time. When I started praying for them it was a bit like swallowing something nasty . . I would say a prayer quickly and with disgust . . .it was the best I could do at the time. Later I started to see these people as other damaged individuals like myself and came to a new point.

Good on you for the work you are doing. May healing come eventually.

AnvilheadII

tutu is amazing.

Nata1980

Hi there!

Just wanted to offer support - I am also not ready to forgive. I wish him well - and it feels gross for a second. Fast prayer indeed.

Forgiveness is for you, not them.

Hangnbyathread

I struggled with forgiveness when I associated it with absolving them of their wrongdoing. I finally came to accept that forgiving was to free me from being consumed by what they did to me. I never absolved nor forgot what they did, but I freed myself from letting them consume me with what they did.

DesertEyes

I have not read that book, but it's now on my list

Pesonally, I see a difference between forgiveness and absolution. Forgive is what a bank does when it costs them too much money to chase down a deadbeat. They "forgive" the debt, but they don't "absolve" you from the responsibility of your actions. They report you to the credit companys and they will never trust you again.

Absolution is what a parent does to a child that spills a glass of milk. It really is the parents fault for giving the child a too full glass. I did that with my kids a couple of times * lol *

I have forgiven my ex-wife for destroying our marriage. The reason I forgave is her because she will never be able to "pay me back" for what she did. If I spend the rest of my life waiting for her to apologize or somehow humiliate herself I will become a bitter, sour person. That gains me nothing. Instead, I am getting on with my life and finding my own happiness without her.

If some day she gets into recovery, stays clean and sober for a million years I still won't ever trust her again. I have not _absolved_ her. She is still responsible for the damage she did to us, and to those other marriages where she had affairs with the men. She is not a child, she is an adult and needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. I'll be civil to her, treat her with respect and consideration. But that's it, nothing more.

What I have "forgiven" is the debt that will never be repaid, because it will cost _me_ more to pursue it than to get past it.

Mike

firebolt

I added the book to my list as well. I've always wondered if forgiveness of a certain level of wrong doing is more in line with just letting go?

I had the pleasure of meeting and getting to listen to Mpho Tutu speak when I was a kid. It was the 90's and I was at a Methodist Church camp on Flathead Lake.

She was mesmerizing. We were mid teenagers...loud, semi disrespectful...
but absolutely SILENT and in awe when she got up to speak. She spoke about harmony between faiths, and how peace can start with our generation. GOOSEBUMPS. There were 75 or so kids at the camp, and she made a point of spending some time with each of us for a few minutes over the course of the weekend. We were too young and dumb (or I was) to realize we should have been asking questions like crazy. She really made each of us feel like we were the center of the universe.

I can't wait to read the book!

hopeful4

I have a post on Facebook. There is a picture of a lion with it. It says, "I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received."

I also sent this to my daughter because she has had to do the same with her father, my X husband.

Powerful stuff.

NYCDoglvr

I have a mantra from a spiritual program:

If he'd known better
He would have done better
But since he didn't know better
He couldn't do better
I bless and release him to his highest good

Keeps it real that we're ALL deeply flawed humans

At the same time, I don't want to let someone I don't like live rent-free in my head. The obsessive anger is a way of clinging to someone who brought misery to my life.

dandylion

ad0117......take it easy on yourself...you haven't even finished the grieving process, yet.....
It can take a long time to forgive.....if you aren't ready, you aren't ready.....

I, also, agree that it may be more akin to finally just letting go.....
Finally accepting that history will not change itself.......

honeypig

Thank you for this, NYC--going in my "Wisdom of SR" folder.

Hangnbyathread

I'd be fine with this

IF they don't know better. However many times they know better, and do it anyway.

So sorry no Free Pass to a higher good.

Someone knows that if they have to hide or lie about it, they KNOW what they are doing and that's it's wrong. Sorry I can't offer the free pass to any higher power I can understand.

ad0117

Thank you, hopeful4! I've seen that quote before and actually have it saved on Pinterest, too! I often think it would make things better if my ex just came back and told me he was sorry. Deep down inside, I know it wouldn't change anything, though. It wouldn't take away all the damage that's already been done. And forgiving without that apology definitely is the most difficult thing. I know it will come in time.

ad0117

Love this. Thank you.

heartcore

I love that mantra, too. Thank you.

I've been able to forgive many wrongs (my own & others), from about 97.5% of accumulated wrongs. There are still a few that this mantra doesn't apply to, because as hanginbyathread noted, there are still some people who do bad things on purpose, knowing better.

I told my sponsor, the last time I did a 5th step - "I'm not ready to forgive anyone who did me wrong when I was a child." She said - "that sounds fair."

We all sort of travel through forgiveness in a roundabout way. As I get older, long-ago memories get softer edges, sometimes drift away into cloud-matter...that's forgiveness too, that softening of old stuff.

We can all only do our best at forgiving, and that's the mantra too - just reversed...

LifeRecovery

I also consider myself a forgiving person.

For the most part in my recovery I have been able to forgive a lot.

I am a significant time out, and while I can go through periods of time feeling better and letting go of the relationship that got me here....it is not a 100% piece of the time thing.

I get better at it and it gets easier every day.

I put a lot of pressure on myself around time.......and that just made it harder.

As I have hit deeper levels of forgiveness about my relationship that got me here I also realize to forgive him I need to forgive myself and that waxes and wanes also at times.

Great book suggestion, thanks.

Spinner-007

I've read 'Forgiveness: The Freedom to Let Go', by June Hunt.

Here are some highlights that's kept things in awesome perspective:

1. Forgiving is not a 'one and done' thing to do. It's a continuous cycle because thoughts/feelings almost always resurface, we will come back to the event one time or another.

2. Forgiveness is not forgetting. You can't forgive unless you remember what happened.

3. Forgiveness is not letting them off the hook. It's removing them from your hook and putting them on God's hook.

4. Forgiveness is dependent on who hurts you: a person cutting you off on the road is simply one way, and you're done. A person in a relationship can be forgiven but there's much more to it, and this is only if you wish to maintain a relationship with the offender.

The person doing the harm must admit/confess (meaning come to an agreement) that what they did hurt you. They must be willing to reconcile, meaning they must understanding the cost/damage of what they did and must be contribute(have genuine remorse) about what they did. Then they must must be willing to restore (rebuilding the relationship with a promise and actions to never hurt you in that way again).

But never should we allow a person to be in a position again to hurt us if they aren't willing to do the above.

The book is based on Scripture and is very powerful.

It goes to the depth of forgiveness as it touches on those who murder. That type of forgiveness is almost impossible without God. I found that without Jesus in my heart, I can't forgive because it's just not in me to do so without Him.

But with God, all things are possible.

Peace to you, ad0117!

DoubleDragons

This is a really great thread. The only major, major hurts that I have incurred in my life have happened to me by my FOO, with whom I am NC with now. I fantasize about a deep, heartfelt apology from even just one of them (alcoholic, personality disordered mother, narcissistic enabler father, personality disordered, possibly alcoholic sister), but I have come to a level of acceptance that this is very unlikely to happen. Being a very codependent, people pleasing person, I feel like I have spent my life apologizing for anything and everything and then I feel resentful when others don't do the same. Recovery is helping me with this. I had to forgive myself for being of such low self-worth and subjecting myself too long to obviously unhealthy people and unhealthy situations. I agree with others that it is easier to forgive, when you separate yourself from the negativity and can trust yourself to self-protect. It's definitely a process and not a straight line process.

ad0117

Thank you, Spinner, for this suggestion. I'll have to add this book to my list. Sounds like a good one!