Guilt again
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Guilt again
I examined why I've felt like crying today when I think about doing simple things, like prepping my meals for the week and doing laundry. These are things I didn't feel like I could do "easily" when I was with the ex. I would become resentful because it felt like I was spending my time and money on things for us, like food and keeping home, and he spent his money on things for him, like studio and camera equipment. He used to get angry that I wouldn't want to cook for him, yet when I wanted to he didn't want to take the time to show me (I grew up with a single father so cooking was something I hadn't learned), or when he did he made me feel self conscious and like I was doing everything wrong. Anyway, I'm feeling guilt. I know I can take care of myself and do it well but there's a part of me that's self sabotaging because I never did it for him. This one year anniversary is throwing me through a much bigger loop than I anticipated. I wasn't expecting such strong feelings to come up. It doesn't seem right that practically nothing has changed for him the past year but I have to start completely over. Granted it's what I wanted, but I just don't understand why I couldn't do these things when I was with him. I'm teaching myself how to cook. I'm teaching myself how to do things I've never done. I'm going after my own dreams... I really don't understand why I couldn't do that with him. I don't want to blame someone else for something I could or couldn't do but I just remember feeling like I had hit a wall with him, I felt like I couldn't progress. Once I was able to go no contact it was like a sling shot had just propelled me forward. I don't know how to resolve this internally because it goes against my belief that we are all in charge of our own lives
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
For myself, I did not have time to focus on anything but my XAH when we were together, because that was my focus. Keeping it all together by the tips of my fingernails.
No one said life is fair. I look at my X and see that he does not pay his due, is drinking, seemingly having a good old life. I believe in Karma, and he will get his due, I am sure of that. The good thing is, I don't have to be involved in him getting kicked by karma.
I can now focus on me and my kids. Doing good things that make us happy.
It's ok that you had hit a wall with him, but in reality it does not matter now. Don't hit that same wall within yourself, just focus on YOU.
Hugs.
No one said life is fair. I look at my X and see that he does not pay his due, is drinking, seemingly having a good old life. I believe in Karma, and he will get his due, I am sure of that. The good thing is, I don't have to be involved in him getting kicked by karma.
I can now focus on me and my kids. Doing good things that make us happy.
It's ok that you had hit a wall with him, but in reality it does not matter now. Don't hit that same wall within yourself, just focus on YOU.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Why on earth would you have wanted to teach yourself to cook for someone who made you feel like you were doing everything wrong? Where is the empowerment and self-love in that?
Try to keep things in context, and in perspective. You are growing and changing and he is staying in exactly the same unhappy place.
We are not meant to be with every person we love and care for. Sometimes it's timing, sometimes it's just basic incompatibility, and sometimes, you just need different things. All of that is just the way life works, and we can choose to wallow in guilt about it or we can choose to learn from it and keep moving forward.
You are quite naturally still grieving a relationship that did not live up to your expectations for it, and that's okay. Let yourself grieve, but try to resist judge yourself for any of it.
Try to keep things in context, and in perspective. You are growing and changing and he is staying in exactly the same unhappy place.
We are not meant to be with every person we love and care for. Sometimes it's timing, sometimes it's just basic incompatibility, and sometimes, you just need different things. All of that is just the way life works, and we can choose to wallow in guilt about it or we can choose to learn from it and keep moving forward.
You are quite naturally still grieving a relationship that did not live up to your expectations for it, and that's okay. Let yourself grieve, but try to resist judge yourself for any of it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Expanding 
I don't know how to resolve this internally because it goes against my belief that we are all in charge of our own lives
It sounds like you gave it away, for a while. You realized it, and then you took your power back.
I think we all sometimes regret the time and energy we "wasted" on the relationship with the alcoholic. Oh, WELL. It's water under the bridge, at this point. What counts now is what we doing going forward.
In a few more years, you will look back on this time and be amazed at how far you've come. And though the time in the relationship may still bring a sense of regret, it won't feel overwhelming. You'll be too busy living your own life by then.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I think it's natural to feel that we could have done more, been more to the alcoholics in our lives. I think that whatever draws us to them almost guarantees that we will feel guilty, sad, mad, bad when the thing goes sideways. Plus, they are really, really good at making us feel less than. You did what you needed to do, and now you are moving forward. That can be uncomfortable and, sometimes, scary.
But know this: you are way better than you were, and you will be better still.
With regard to your ex, I am reminded ofthe overweight man who, after an insult from a thinner person, said, "Yup. I'm fat and you're stupid. But I can diet."
But know this: you are way better than you were, and you will be better still.
With regard to your ex, I am reminded ofthe overweight man who, after an insult from a thinner person, said, "Yup. I'm fat and you're stupid. But I can diet."
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Granted it's what I wanted, but I just don't understand why I couldn't do these things when I was with him. I'm teaching myself how to cook. I'm teaching myself how to do things I've never done. I'm going after my own dreams... I really don't understand why I couldn't do that with him.
well.......one he didn't particularly CARE about what YOU wanted, or what YOUR dreams were. that can be pretty stifling. and even in "good/healthy/better" relationships, we often squelch our own private interests a bit, in favor of the US-ness.
also things happen in their own time. NOW is your time. THEN wasn't. THEN was for learning some tough lessons in the classroom of hard knocks, so that NOW you are clear on your own goals.
and just a hint, dear Expanding, this is when you get to be HAPPY about stuff!
well.......one he didn't particularly CARE about what YOU wanted, or what YOUR dreams were. that can be pretty stifling. and even in "good/healthy/better" relationships, we often squelch our own private interests a bit, in favor of the US-ness.
also things happen in their own time. NOW is your time. THEN wasn't. THEN was for learning some tough lessons in the classroom of hard knocks, so that NOW you are clear on your own goals.
and just a hint, dear Expanding, this is when you get to be HAPPY about stuff!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
"could have", "would have", "should have".......
When we know better...we do better....
Can you wrap your mind around that one.....?
The biggest part of acceptance is realizing that history does not change itself....and we can grow very old waiting for it to happen.....
You are still grieving....and anniversaries signal some final last gasps of that process.....
Grief is one way that we hold on to the relationship....and, we hold on until we are ready to finally let go....
When we know better...we do better....
Can you wrap your mind around that one.....?
The biggest part of acceptance is realizing that history does not change itself....and we can grow very old waiting for it to happen.....
You are still grieving....and anniversaries signal some final last gasps of that process.....
Grief is one way that we hold on to the relationship....and, we hold on until we are ready to finally let go....
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