I thought it was over but this is just the beginning.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
I thought it was over but this is just the beginning.
Hi everyone,
First post here and needing not to feel so alone and learn to stop obsessing over my husband's return to drinking.
My husband left me three times in the past in a dramatic exit. I was left with all the debt, care of our child and pain of having him opt out when I didn't make things easy for him. I rose out of the ashes each time reinventing myself little by little. It took some convincing to see he had actually changed last time but it finally happened.
We reconciled seven years ago and we have done famously, getting married four years ago until a year and a half ago when he started drinking again. It took one month for the same old behaviors to start creeping in. After the first few episodes with him drinking he said he would make a change but it was empty promises. Things have been spiraling downwards ever since with him becoming the same person that left me all three times before. The exact same things are coming out of his mouth as before, word for word and his denial is strong. According to him the only way to find himself and not be controlled by me anymore is to leave. He won't come out and say it but let's me know in words and action on a daily basis. He will come out and say he never should have married me but won't come out and say he is leaving me. He leaves it up to me to end it and treats me pretty badly to gain that effect. It didn't work the last three times and I stayed on hoping for the best until he had to leave on his own. I am a different person now and I am not doing this. I told him unless he get's himself back into recovery I am gone. He said he is not changing for me and I should accept him for who he is. We are divorcing as a result.
We moved to a new province right after he started drinking due to a work transfer we accepted. I was in such denial thinking he would catch it before it spiraled out of control. I left my amazing job and now live on an acreage with my own business from my home office I never work because I am so consumed with problem solving and obsessing over this crap.
About a month after we moved I realized he is not going to address the issues. I wrote out a timeline of events that would usually happen based upon the same patterns before. Every single one on that list has come to pass in the exact order I stated. He has an excuse for each one though. He was never happy in his whole life and he has to find himself. Same exact line as before.
I know it's time for me to move on now. The manipulation is ridiculous and our son's relationship with him is as strained as ever. He has never been a parent and looking back that is the one thing he never changed even in recovery. He won't take care of his finances either on his own. Never has.
I am going to my first Al-anon meeting tonight in so many years. I have appts set up for both my son and myself this week with a psychologist.
I am so different now than I used to be ten years ago but not in the area of detachment. I am a personal development coach and heavily rely on it for positive mental health. My relationships are strong and I do have support in life. I have no money and am relying on him financially for the first time in my life. What a mistake there. Huge.
I have all the knowledge behind me to deal with this but still struggle with not obsessing about him and what he is doing. I hate how he presents a different person to the world than he is. I hate how he moves farther and farther away every day to the point of wanting out again. I hate addiction and the hold it has over him, the denial he exhibits and the impact this has had on our lives. Two months ago our FB timelines were filled with happy date night photos. Now we are divorcing. As long as he has no barriers to drinking, I parent alone and deal with the finances we are fine. If I rock the boat we do nothing but fight.
Our son is devastated. He is 14 and sees how his dad has changed. He has tried to tell him but dad does nothing. The last three times he left, he left our son of his own choice with no contact. The hardest part of all of this is my son's pain. My son and I have a strong bond and relationship and he want's to live with me. Hubby keeps saying I am trying to manipulate our son against him not recognizing I don't have to make him look worse in our son's eyes than he already does. My greatest desire for my son is to have his father in his life, nurturing their relationship and really being there for him.
Last time when he left it was abrupt and sudden. This time he says he doesn't want to leave me with all the debt as it is all in my name. He plans on living together till it is paid I guess which will take a year at least to pay on his pay alone. I think he doesn't really want to leave but want's us to live on his terms so he stays and does things to keep me obsessing over him.
How to stop looking at his FB without deleting him? How to move on with me instead of constantly focusing on him? With all my knowledge and experience with this I can't believe I am even writing this. I feel like I have forgotten all my Al-anon principles, how to detach and move on with my own life. My job is amazing, son is, the property we rent and my life in general other than with him. I want to get over him, get him out of my mind and not care anymore. How did you do that?
First post here and needing not to feel so alone and learn to stop obsessing over my husband's return to drinking.
My husband left me three times in the past in a dramatic exit. I was left with all the debt, care of our child and pain of having him opt out when I didn't make things easy for him. I rose out of the ashes each time reinventing myself little by little. It took some convincing to see he had actually changed last time but it finally happened.
We reconciled seven years ago and we have done famously, getting married four years ago until a year and a half ago when he started drinking again. It took one month for the same old behaviors to start creeping in. After the first few episodes with him drinking he said he would make a change but it was empty promises. Things have been spiraling downwards ever since with him becoming the same person that left me all three times before. The exact same things are coming out of his mouth as before, word for word and his denial is strong. According to him the only way to find himself and not be controlled by me anymore is to leave. He won't come out and say it but let's me know in words and action on a daily basis. He will come out and say he never should have married me but won't come out and say he is leaving me. He leaves it up to me to end it and treats me pretty badly to gain that effect. It didn't work the last three times and I stayed on hoping for the best until he had to leave on his own. I am a different person now and I am not doing this. I told him unless he get's himself back into recovery I am gone. He said he is not changing for me and I should accept him for who he is. We are divorcing as a result.
We moved to a new province right after he started drinking due to a work transfer we accepted. I was in such denial thinking he would catch it before it spiraled out of control. I left my amazing job and now live on an acreage with my own business from my home office I never work because I am so consumed with problem solving and obsessing over this crap.
About a month after we moved I realized he is not going to address the issues. I wrote out a timeline of events that would usually happen based upon the same patterns before. Every single one on that list has come to pass in the exact order I stated. He has an excuse for each one though. He was never happy in his whole life and he has to find himself. Same exact line as before.
I know it's time for me to move on now. The manipulation is ridiculous and our son's relationship with him is as strained as ever. He has never been a parent and looking back that is the one thing he never changed even in recovery. He won't take care of his finances either on his own. Never has.
I am going to my first Al-anon meeting tonight in so many years. I have appts set up for both my son and myself this week with a psychologist.
I am so different now than I used to be ten years ago but not in the area of detachment. I am a personal development coach and heavily rely on it for positive mental health. My relationships are strong and I do have support in life. I have no money and am relying on him financially for the first time in my life. What a mistake there. Huge.
I have all the knowledge behind me to deal with this but still struggle with not obsessing about him and what he is doing. I hate how he presents a different person to the world than he is. I hate how he moves farther and farther away every day to the point of wanting out again. I hate addiction and the hold it has over him, the denial he exhibits and the impact this has had on our lives. Two months ago our FB timelines were filled with happy date night photos. Now we are divorcing. As long as he has no barriers to drinking, I parent alone and deal with the finances we are fine. If I rock the boat we do nothing but fight.
Our son is devastated. He is 14 and sees how his dad has changed. He has tried to tell him but dad does nothing. The last three times he left, he left our son of his own choice with no contact. The hardest part of all of this is my son's pain. My son and I have a strong bond and relationship and he want's to live with me. Hubby keeps saying I am trying to manipulate our son against him not recognizing I don't have to make him look worse in our son's eyes than he already does. My greatest desire for my son is to have his father in his life, nurturing their relationship and really being there for him.
Last time when he left it was abrupt and sudden. This time he says he doesn't want to leave me with all the debt as it is all in my name. He plans on living together till it is paid I guess which will take a year at least to pay on his pay alone. I think he doesn't really want to leave but want's us to live on his terms so he stays and does things to keep me obsessing over him.
How to stop looking at his FB without deleting him? How to move on with me instead of constantly focusing on him? With all my knowledge and experience with this I can't believe I am even writing this. I feel like I have forgotten all my Al-anon principles, how to detach and move on with my own life. My job is amazing, son is, the property we rent and my life in general other than with him. I want to get over him, get him out of my mind and not care anymore. How did you do that?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, notthis, and I'm glad you found us here. It sounds like your name is well chosen, considering the situation you find yourself in. Although it's unfortunate that you're going thru all this again, the biggest thing you have in your favor is that this ISN'T the first time, and you know that the cycle will just keep repeating itself unless YOU make the changes. You also know about resources like Alanon, which is great.
My suggestion for you would be to read around the forum as much as you possibly can. Make sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. I'm certain you'll see things that will resonate w/you and that will shed light on your situation. You are NOT alone, and by coming here, you have accessed a huge, diverse group of people with tons of ES&H to share. I have found so much education and inspiration here, and I hope you find the same.
You can do what you need to do to move forward. Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time, and you'll find your path.
Looking forward to hearing more from you in the days to come.
My suggestion for you would be to read around the forum as much as you possibly can. Make sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. I'm certain you'll see things that will resonate w/you and that will shed light on your situation. You are NOT alone, and by coming here, you have accessed a huge, diverse group of people with tons of ES&H to share. I have found so much education and inspiration here, and I hope you find the same.
You can do what you need to do to move forward. Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time, and you'll find your path.
Looking forward to hearing more from you in the days to come.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
I notice you mentioned FB twice in your post--about how you are perceived (as happy or as a relationship "failure") based on what kind of pictures you can post. You also ask "how to stop looking at his FB without deleting him."
FB causes all kinds of problems for people who are splitting up (and those who are still together). It's an artificial universe, where people can project whatever kind of image they want to. People get confused, angry, upset, sad, whenever it seems like their ex is doing well, not doing well, making money, not making money, dating again, posting bitter/nasty things about them.
For heaven's sake, DELETE him. It will go a long way toward getting rid of the obsession to know everything he's up to. And you are MARRIED. I'd let the courts settle the property issues. If you wait for him to do the right thing and pay it all off before he leaves, what does that get you? I'd rather have the debt and be rid of the deadbeat. Let the court order him to pay you his fair share of the debts, or to divide the other property in a way that compensates you for his share of the debt.
Getting over an obsession with an alcoholic ex is very much like getting sober. You have to just STOP, and work through the pain that goes along with cold turkey. Every time you check up on his FB page or dwell on him excessively, it's very much like the alcoholic having the proverbial "just one" drink.
I notice you mentioned FB twice in your post--about how you are perceived (as happy or as a relationship "failure") based on what kind of pictures you can post. You also ask "how to stop looking at his FB without deleting him."
FB causes all kinds of problems for people who are splitting up (and those who are still together). It's an artificial universe, where people can project whatever kind of image they want to. People get confused, angry, upset, sad, whenever it seems like their ex is doing well, not doing well, making money, not making money, dating again, posting bitter/nasty things about them.
For heaven's sake, DELETE him. It will go a long way toward getting rid of the obsession to know everything he's up to. And you are MARRIED. I'd let the courts settle the property issues. If you wait for him to do the right thing and pay it all off before he leaves, what does that get you? I'd rather have the debt and be rid of the deadbeat. Let the court order him to pay you his fair share of the debts, or to divide the other property in a way that compensates you for his share of the debt.
Getting over an obsession with an alcoholic ex is very much like getting sober. You have to just STOP, and work through the pain that goes along with cold turkey. Every time you check up on his FB page or dwell on him excessively, it's very much like the alcoholic having the proverbial "just one" drink.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
You have to just STOP, and work through the pain that goes along with cold turkey. Every time you check up on his FB page or dwell on him excessively, it's very much like the alcoholic having the proverbial "just one" drink.
early on in Alanon I heard a speaker talk about the "4 G's";
Get off their back
Get out of their way
Get on with your life
Give them to God
I heard that as something of a revelation, which was immediately followed by the realization that now I was going to have live with me inside my head without the more or less constant distraction over what she was and wasn't doing. It brings to mind an AA speaker I heard talking about his early white-knuckle sobriety- where he felt like "the lights were off and everybody was home"... the dramatization of it makes me smile but the prospect of working towards nothing and no-one between one and oneself means some discomfort. But the good news is that passes as the program work gets done and you don't have to go back into the crazy... and when you do, its easier to get back out.
The day to day peace and quiet in my head instead of the more or less constantly simmering annoyance & impatience is cheap at the price.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
I live in a house with a four year lease and no current income that I would not be able to afford if I worked outside of he house. Homeless is not where I want to be. I won't see my son homeless with him rushing in to save our son and have him live with him without me there to aid our already distressed son.
If I stopped obsessing so much I would be working and making money to get myself out of this hole. The first step is getting that done. Most of my advertising is on FB so I am on there often.
If I delete him off of FB and remove the marriage status it is probable he will jump at that saying I ended it so he can feel free to leave me with the massive debt. The court process takes longer than I have meaning no income for a least six months. He would not pay child support without a court order and that takes a great deal of time. Last time it was a year before I saw a dime. I can't get a job outside of the house that would make me enough to keep the house on my own nor can I get out of the lease. Big issues there.
The reason I find myself checking is to ensure that marriage status remains so I know I am not screwed financially. I mentioned the FB posts not as concern of what the world thinks but as to reference of how quickly things can change with an alcoholic in the picture.
If I quit obsessing and get to work I can have myself out of this mess much quicker and with less problems than creating more waves than required. The money to be made monthly with my business is outstanding, more than many people make in six months. It's up to me to do that but I am struggling focusing on work instead of where he is at. If he moves tomorrow I am screwed. The breakup has only been solidified for a few days. Maybe I just need more time? I am usually proficient in focusing on myself but not with him in this situation apparently.
Maybe my meeting will help tonight with letting my thoughts stay focused on me and my future, not him. I think I am running on fear which isn't good.
If I stopped obsessing so much I would be working and making money to get myself out of this hole. The first step is getting that done. Most of my advertising is on FB so I am on there often.
If I delete him off of FB and remove the marriage status it is probable he will jump at that saying I ended it so he can feel free to leave me with the massive debt. The court process takes longer than I have meaning no income for a least six months. He would not pay child support without a court order and that takes a great deal of time. Last time it was a year before I saw a dime. I can't get a job outside of the house that would make me enough to keep the house on my own nor can I get out of the lease. Big issues there.
The reason I find myself checking is to ensure that marriage status remains so I know I am not screwed financially. I mentioned the FB posts not as concern of what the world thinks but as to reference of how quickly things can change with an alcoholic in the picture.
If I quit obsessing and get to work I can have myself out of this mess much quicker and with less problems than creating more waves than required. The money to be made monthly with my business is outstanding, more than many people make in six months. It's up to me to do that but I am struggling focusing on work instead of where he is at. If he moves tomorrow I am screwed. The breakup has only been solidified for a few days. Maybe I just need more time? I am usually proficient in focusing on myself but not with him in this situation apparently.
Maybe my meeting will help tonight with letting my thoughts stay focused on me and my future, not him. I think I am running on fear which isn't good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by schnappi99
This ^^^^^
early on in Alanon I heard a speaker talk about the "4 G's";
Get off their back
Get out of their way
Get on with your life
Give them to God
I heard that as something of a revelation, which was immediately followed by the realization that now I was going to have live with me inside my head without the more or less constant distraction over what she was and wasn't doing. It brings to mind an AA speaker I heard talking about his early white-knuckle sobriety- where he felt like "the lights were off and everybody was home"... the dramatization of it makes me smile but the prospect of working towards nothing and no-one between one and oneself means some discomfort. But the good news is that passes as the program work gets done and you don't have to go back into the crazy... and when you do, its easier to get back out.
The day to day peace and quiet in my head instead of the more or less constantly simmering annoyance & impatience is cheap at the price.
early on in Alanon I heard a speaker talk about the "4 G's";
Get off their back
Get out of their way
Get on with your life
Give them to God
I heard that as something of a revelation, which was immediately followed by the realization that now I was going to have live with me inside my head without the more or less constant distraction over what she was and wasn't doing. It brings to mind an AA speaker I heard talking about his early white-knuckle sobriety- where he felt like "the lights were off and everybody was home"... the dramatization of it makes me smile but the prospect of working towards nothing and no-one between one and oneself means some discomfort. But the good news is that passes as the program work gets done and you don't have to go back into the crazy... and when you do, its easier to get back out.
The day to day peace and quiet in my head instead of the more or less constantly simmering annoyance & impatience is cheap at the price.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hi, and welcome.
Every time you check up on his FB page or dwell on him excessively, it's very much like the alcoholic having the proverbial "just one" drink.
Every time you check up on his FB page or dwell on him excessively, it's very much like the alcoholic having the proverbial "just one" drink.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry, but this is almost comical--the two of you checking each other's "marriage" status on FB.
Your REAL marriage status is determined by the laws of your province, and by the courts. Your removing it, or his removing it, doesn't end the marriage. You are married in the REAL world, not the virtual one.
I suggest creating an entirely new FB profile oriented ENTIRELY toward your business. There is ZERO reason for a business profile to advertise the owner's relationship status. Who cares? All your potential clients/customers care about is that you can do the job. Period.
If you have other friends and family you'd like to keep in touch with, create a NEW personal FB profile, delete the old one, and make it private. Invite your friends/family to the new one. Block him, specifically.
Might be a bit of work, but seems well worth the effort if you are obsessive/compulsive about FB.
Your REAL marriage status is determined by the laws of your province, and by the courts. Your removing it, or his removing it, doesn't end the marriage. You are married in the REAL world, not the virtual one.
I suggest creating an entirely new FB profile oriented ENTIRELY toward your business. There is ZERO reason for a business profile to advertise the owner's relationship status. Who cares? All your potential clients/customers care about is that you can do the job. Period.
If you have other friends and family you'd like to keep in touch with, create a NEW personal FB profile, delete the old one, and make it private. Invite your friends/family to the new one. Block him, specifically.
Might be a bit of work, but seems well worth the effort if you are obsessive/compulsive about FB.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
step outside your situation for just a second.....is waiting to see if HIS marital status changes on FB a sensible plan? FB isn't real. it's time to get IN to today and stay there. see what you see, know what you know, and get busy with a real plan that does not rely upon the unreliable.
he can't save your or fix this. he has never really shown any desire to do so. that's like saying, i really need a cuddle, let me go pet the <<fill in the blank - tiger, wombat, tasmanian devil>>.
homeless is not your only option - i like to use the term "disasterfying" - a mindset where everything is as bad as bad can be. and it can keep me from making a decision.
i know you wish for a different outcome.........i get that.......it's just that you will create an outcome you hadn't planned on. and it will be better. drama free, addict free. you deserve that. you son deserves that.
if your business is profitable, get busy! yes you can!
he can't save your or fix this. he has never really shown any desire to do so. that's like saying, i really need a cuddle, let me go pet the <<fill in the blank - tiger, wombat, tasmanian devil>>.
homeless is not your only option - i like to use the term "disasterfying" - a mindset where everything is as bad as bad can be. and it can keep me from making a decision.
i know you wish for a different outcome.........i get that.......it's just that you will create an outcome you hadn't planned on. and it will be better. drama free, addict free. you deserve that. you son deserves that.
if your business is profitable, get busy! yes you can!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
step outside your situation for just a second.....is waiting to see if HIS marital status changes on FB a sensible plan? FB isn't real. it's time to get IN to today and stay there. see what you see, know what you know, and get busy with a real plan that does not rely upon the unreliable.
he can't save your or fix this. he has never really shown any desire to do so. that's like saying, i really need a cuddle, let me go pet the <<fill in the blank - tiger, wombat, tasmanian devil>>.
homeless is not your only option - i like to use the term "disasterfying" - a mindset where everything is as bad as bad can be. and it can keep me from making a decision.
i know you wish for a different outcome.........i get that.......it's just that you will create an outcome you hadn't planned on. and it will be better. drama free, addict free. you deserve that. you son deserves that.
if your business is profitable, get busy! yes you can!
he can't save your or fix this. he has never really shown any desire to do so. that's like saying, i really need a cuddle, let me go pet the <<fill in the blank - tiger, wombat, tasmanian devil>>.
homeless is not your only option - i like to use the term "disasterfying" - a mindset where everything is as bad as bad can be. and it can keep me from making a decision.
i know you wish for a different outcome.........i get that.......it's just that you will create an outcome you hadn't planned on. and it will be better. drama free, addict free. you deserve that. you son deserves that.
if your business is profitable, get busy! yes you can!
He is very passive aggressive and his usual way of telling me what his issues are is on FB unfortunately. If I am going to find out he has decided to move quickly that will be the way he tells me and will leave me to read between the lines. I suppose it is a false sense of protection. I can prepare for things I know are coming but I know it is coming anyways. If I delete my FB, my business page will be deleted as a result with all my followers and I start from scratch again. Not exactly ideal if I want to make money quickly. If I put my head down and get my work done I can drag myself out quickly. I need to quit fearing what will be in the next few months and focus on my abilities to create positive change in my life. Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i'd also suggest a visit with an attorney.....just one to make sure you know your rights in the state/county/country in which you live. knowledge is power.
what if he checks out tomorrow?
what if he checks out tomorrow?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
If I delete my FB, my business page will be deleted as a result with all my followers and I start from scratch again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Couldn't you create a new active profile, switch ownership to that one, and then suspend your old one? Granted I have not fiddled around with the Business Manager feature on FB, so if your account is affiliated with that, my advice might be as valuable as a fresh wad of used chewing gum on the sidewalk.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, at the VERY least, you should be able to change your privacy settings so "relationship" is visible to "only me." Nobody needs to see your relationship status.
And you can block him.
Neither one of those things should impact your business in any way, and it will help you regain a bit of your privacy, while avoiding having to see what he's up to.
Seriously, if you want freedom, you have to take it back.
And you can block him.
Neither one of those things should impact your business in any way, and it will help you regain a bit of your privacy, while avoiding having to see what he's up to.
Seriously, if you want freedom, you have to take it back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by firebolt
Keep going to meetings, they help SO much. It's the first step in taking your power back - welcome, and keep posting!
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