husband got sober, got a girlfiend and left me..hurting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
husband got sober, got a girlfiend and left me..hurting
First off, I do not want to profess our marriage was perfect before this-far from it.
Lots of arguing-his blaming me for his drinking, spending money on beer and cigs, instead of saving. Picking fights with me as an excuse to drink or leave. Nothing I did was good enough, I got older and fat, lazy (I work full time while he has winters off because of his job) the insults were demeaning and mean-spirited.
Now for me- I was either crying, monitoring his drinking, praying, nagging, defending him to family/friends, being the buffer of his abusive behavior between him and children, avoiding his family functions or being standoffish because they all drink excessively and lie or avoiding my family/friends functions because I had to explain his absence, worry about what he would say or do, or just be too beaten down and afraid people would notice.
We are a church going family-or should I say we were. Married 20 years and together 26 with two children.
I have lit countless candles, my family and children have said hundreds of prayers for his sobriety. Told him we could no longer live life this unless he got sober.
He got sober, been going to AA for 6.5 months, yoga, meditation. Then he started going to more meetings, staying longer and longer than the meetings called for. Started going out to dinner with his AA buddies. Texting all the time. Was home less and less, and when he was home he was on computer with headphones on listening to music and watching videos. He told me I was his drinking trigger and blamed me for making him want to drink.
Started sleeping on the couch, making excuses , you got the ugly picture.
He has a girlfriend (just said friend-eye-roll) and moved out when I was at work. Talk about blow to the gut. He said his sponsor said he was making a mistake, not to make a major decision for 1 year. He felt he had no choice and had to do it anyway to be healthy and he could no longer be happy with me.
Here is the major dysfunction...I want him back!
I feel the kids and I have put up with his alcoholism for so long and now that he is sober, we finally have a chance at a happy, healthy home. 26 years together, I feel like my heart is ripped out and have been having chest pains, I have crying jags, depression, feeling of low self worth. I'm 56 and feel so unloved and unattractive.
It has been about 3 weeks since he cowardly left.
Some pro-active things... I ended up going to the doctors and he put me on anti-depressants.I went to about 8 Alanon Mtgs. (don't feel much connection there yet) I joined the gym (but feel so awkward there as well) a tubby middle-aged woman who doesn't belong among all those young and fit people.
I work with our/my friends (who are all married-30+ yrs). It is so painful and awkward to go to work and be among them. I feel lost and that I don''t belong anywhere.
I feel betrayed, angry, scared about future/finances/children. I'm lonely. I feel he sees the kids 1 or 2 times a wk for lunch or dinner, but then goes back to his place, leaving me with the daily grind of raising the kids and responsibilities. Everything here reminds me of our 26 years together. His place is sterile of memories and may even contain some of that home-wrecking ho's stuff. She mentioned me and the kids, so she knew he was married'
How can you be with someone for 26 years and honor your vows and not feel destroyed when they leave you? I got married because I loved/love him. I stayed with him because I love him and knew he would be a better man/father without the alcohol. Why now, after all these years when he does get sober feel no problem casting me aside?
Co-dependence, love, stupidity? I sound so pathetic, because I am.
Help!
Lots of arguing-his blaming me for his drinking, spending money on beer and cigs, instead of saving. Picking fights with me as an excuse to drink or leave. Nothing I did was good enough, I got older and fat, lazy (I work full time while he has winters off because of his job) the insults were demeaning and mean-spirited.
Now for me- I was either crying, monitoring his drinking, praying, nagging, defending him to family/friends, being the buffer of his abusive behavior between him and children, avoiding his family functions or being standoffish because they all drink excessively and lie or avoiding my family/friends functions because I had to explain his absence, worry about what he would say or do, or just be too beaten down and afraid people would notice.
We are a church going family-or should I say we were. Married 20 years and together 26 with two children.
I have lit countless candles, my family and children have said hundreds of prayers for his sobriety. Told him we could no longer live life this unless he got sober.
He got sober, been going to AA for 6.5 months, yoga, meditation. Then he started going to more meetings, staying longer and longer than the meetings called for. Started going out to dinner with his AA buddies. Texting all the time. Was home less and less, and when he was home he was on computer with headphones on listening to music and watching videos. He told me I was his drinking trigger and blamed me for making him want to drink.
Started sleeping on the couch, making excuses , you got the ugly picture.
He has a girlfriend (just said friend-eye-roll) and moved out when I was at work. Talk about blow to the gut. He said his sponsor said he was making a mistake, not to make a major decision for 1 year. He felt he had no choice and had to do it anyway to be healthy and he could no longer be happy with me.
Here is the major dysfunction...I want him back!
I feel the kids and I have put up with his alcoholism for so long and now that he is sober, we finally have a chance at a happy, healthy home. 26 years together, I feel like my heart is ripped out and have been having chest pains, I have crying jags, depression, feeling of low self worth. I'm 56 and feel so unloved and unattractive.
It has been about 3 weeks since he cowardly left.
Some pro-active things... I ended up going to the doctors and he put me on anti-depressants.I went to about 8 Alanon Mtgs. (don't feel much connection there yet) I joined the gym (but feel so awkward there as well) a tubby middle-aged woman who doesn't belong among all those young and fit people.
I work with our/my friends (who are all married-30+ yrs). It is so painful and awkward to go to work and be among them. I feel lost and that I don''t belong anywhere.
I feel betrayed, angry, scared about future/finances/children. I'm lonely. I feel he sees the kids 1 or 2 times a wk for lunch or dinner, but then goes back to his place, leaving me with the daily grind of raising the kids and responsibilities. Everything here reminds me of our 26 years together. His place is sterile of memories and may even contain some of that home-wrecking ho's stuff. She mentioned me and the kids, so she knew he was married'
How can you be with someone for 26 years and honor your vows and not feel destroyed when they leave you? I got married because I loved/love him. I stayed with him because I love him and knew he would be a better man/father without the alcohol. Why now, after all these years when he does get sober feel no problem casting me aside?
Co-dependence, love, stupidity? I sound so pathetic, because I am.
Help!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 973
Hi Dina. I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I spent many a year in a marriage that was going no where fast. 13 years of my life gone. 13 years marred by alcohol, cheating, and emotional abuse. By the time it was over my self-esteem was almost non-existent. I had gained weight, felt unattractive, isolated myself from my family support systems for all the same reasons you did. I worried for my 3 children, was barely able to cover the household bills, and cried a lot. Many of "our" friends seemed to disappear with him. I felt so very alone.
That marriage ended 10 years ago and as it turns out, it was the best thing that could've ever happened to me. I slowly started piecing my life back together. I reconnected with my family and found much support there. I leaned on the friends I didn't lose in the divorce. I started small. Removing objects from my home that held memories that no longer had a place in my new life. I began working out, attending counseling, taking care of myself, and slowly disentangling my life from his.
My life today is 100% better than it was during those dark days. My children are grown and I no longer have to navigate custody. I am remarried, I look different, feel different. I even ran a half-marathon-what?
Sounds like you are on the right track with the steps you are taking to begin anew. There is no magic wand to wave and make it all better. Just continue doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Speak positively of yourself and believe that with this unplanned selfish act on his part, he has in a sense, set you free from all of his non-sense. Free to discover who you are....
Hang in there. It will get better
That marriage ended 10 years ago and as it turns out, it was the best thing that could've ever happened to me. I slowly started piecing my life back together. I reconnected with my family and found much support there. I leaned on the friends I didn't lose in the divorce. I started small. Removing objects from my home that held memories that no longer had a place in my new life. I began working out, attending counseling, taking care of myself, and slowly disentangling my life from his.
My life today is 100% better than it was during those dark days. My children are grown and I no longer have to navigate custody. I am remarried, I look different, feel different. I even ran a half-marathon-what?
Sounds like you are on the right track with the steps you are taking to begin anew. There is no magic wand to wave and make it all better. Just continue doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Speak positively of yourself and believe that with this unplanned selfish act on his part, he has in a sense, set you free from all of his non-sense. Free to discover who you are....
Hang in there. It will get better
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Sometimes the alcoholics in our lives give us a great gift--life without them in it.
I know it doesn't seem so now. Now you are hurting and sad and feel like a rag. Hang in there. Think about all of the things you would have liked to have done but couldn't because of your husband's crazy train. Like....get a pet. Visit a national park. Sing in a choir. You can do them now.
If Al-Anon isn't doing it for you, find another meeting. The meetings are all different.
Don't get stuck in "if only." You are free. Trust me, in a while that is going to feel pretty good.
P.S. 56 isn't old. Not these days.
I know it doesn't seem so now. Now you are hurting and sad and feel like a rag. Hang in there. Think about all of the things you would have liked to have done but couldn't because of your husband's crazy train. Like....get a pet. Visit a national park. Sing in a choir. You can do them now.
If Al-Anon isn't doing it for you, find another meeting. The meetings are all different.
Don't get stuck in "if only." You are free. Trust me, in a while that is going to feel pretty good.
P.S. 56 isn't old. Not these days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Thank you D122Y and Simplicitty4114. I am grateful for your responding and advice/comments.
I am terrified every second and am trying desperately to hold it together.
I'm sure time does heal, but it's been 3 weeks since he left and I actually feel worse.
Thank you for your kindness
I am terrified every second and am trying desperately to hold it together.
I'm sure time does heal, but it's been 3 weeks since he left and I actually feel worse.
Thank you for your kindness
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
Sounds like he was a loser when he drank and now he's a loser in sobriety. I think you and your children deserve to be happy but he seems like he is quite undeserving of you. His drinking and BS are not your fault and never were.
I would look around the Al-Anon threads here, too. You are not alone. Take care.
~Bunnez
I would look around the Al-Anon threads here, too. You are not alone. Take care.
~Bunnez
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 808
From the perspective of a Guy that was a heavy drinker.
First off, Any guy that takes off and pretty much abandoned his kids is no man.
When I drank, I always blamed my wife as my 'trigger'. Well after 5 years sober, she wasn't my trigger. My addictive personality was my trigger. I'm not saying your husband won't stay sober, but he is clearly delusional over what is the root cause of his drinking. Not a good sign for long term sobriety.
My feeling is you should attempt to get your fair share in a divorce settlement and start working on you. Exercise, eat right, volunteer, get involved, move on. Do that not only for you, but for your children. Also, if he tries to come back be prepared to withstand the temptation. The worst thing you could do is take him back IMHO.
First off, Any guy that takes off and pretty much abandoned his kids is no man.
When I drank, I always blamed my wife as my 'trigger'. Well after 5 years sober, she wasn't my trigger. My addictive personality was my trigger. I'm not saying your husband won't stay sober, but he is clearly delusional over what is the root cause of his drinking. Not a good sign for long term sobriety.
My feeling is you should attempt to get your fair share in a divorce settlement and start working on you. Exercise, eat right, volunteer, get involved, move on. Do that not only for you, but for your children. Also, if he tries to come back be prepared to withstand the temptation. The worst thing you could do is take him back IMHO.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Dina--welcome to SR. I'm 56 too, and I will tell you, I would rather be 56 and be on my own right now than be 57, 67, or 77 and still living with my active alcoholic husband.
Truthfully, I don't think your husband is in recovery. It's possible he wasn't drinking, but that alone doesn't equal recovery, as anyone here can tell you. The fact that he is blaming YOU for being his "drinking trigger" does not speak of someone who's working any kind of program and accepting responsibility for his life and his actions. I know I thought that simply removing the alcohol would fix everything, but I've since learned how far off base my thinking was.
Can I suggest that you come on over to the Family and Friends section of the Sober Recovery forums? I think you'll find a lot there that will be helpful to you in addition to reading a lot of stories from folks who've been in your shoes. This is the link: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
If you don't want to re-type your whole first post over there, you can ask a moderator to move it for you and save yourself some keystrokes.
Hope to see you there soon, Dina!
Truthfully, I don't think your husband is in recovery. It's possible he wasn't drinking, but that alone doesn't equal recovery, as anyone here can tell you. The fact that he is blaming YOU for being his "drinking trigger" does not speak of someone who's working any kind of program and accepting responsibility for his life and his actions. I know I thought that simply removing the alcohol would fix everything, but I've since learned how far off base my thinking was.
Can I suggest that you come on over to the Family and Friends section of the Sober Recovery forums? I think you'll find a lot there that will be helpful to you in addition to reading a lot of stories from folks who've been in your shoes. This is the link: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
If you don't want to re-type your whole first post over there, you can ask a moderator to move it for you and save yourself some keystrokes.
Hope to see you there soon, Dina!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
How old are your kids? I don't have any advice, but sending you good wishes to heal and feel at peace. I know it probably won't seem like this now, but in time, you will be relieved to be rid of him. Could you ever be happy again with someone you can't trust? So sorry to read about your pain. 
Please take care of yourself as well as you can and put one foot in front of the other... The pain will ease in time. 
Please take care of yourself as well as you can and put one foot in front of the other... The pain will ease in time. Member
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by HURTINGDINA 
First off, I do not want to profess our marriage was perfect before this-far from it.
Lots of arguing-his blaming me for his drinking, spending money on beer and cigs, instead of saving. Picking fights with me as an excuse to drink or leave. Nothing I did was good enough, I got older and fat, lazy (I work full time while he has winters off because of his job) the insults were demeaning and mean-spirited.
Now for me- I was either crying, monitoring his drinking, praying, nagging, defending him to family/friends, being the buffer of his abusive behavior between him and children, avoiding his family functions or being standoffish because they all drink excessively and lie or avoiding my family/friends functions because I had to explain his absence, worry about what he would say or do, or just be too beaten down and afraid people would notice.
We are a church going family-or should I say we were. Married 20 years and together 26 with two children.
I have lit countless candles, my family and children have said hundreds of prayers for his sobriety. Told him we could no longer live life this unless he got sober.
He got sober, been going to AA for 6.5 months, yoga, meditation. Then he started going to more meetings, staying longer and longer than the meetings called for. Started going out to dinner with his AA buddies. Texting all the time. Was home less and less, and when he was home he was on computer with headphones on listening to music and watching videos. He told me I was his drinking trigger and blamed me for making him want to drink.
Started sleeping on the couch, making excuses , you got the ugly picture.
He has a girlfriend (just said friend-eye-roll) and moved out when I was at work. Talk about blow to the gut. He said his sponsor said he was making a mistake, not to make a major decision for 1 year. He felt he had no choice and had to do it anyway to be healthy and he could no longer be happy with me.
Here is the major dysfunction...I want him back!
I feel the kids and I have put up with his alcoholism for so long and now that he is sober, we finally have a chance at a happy, healthy home. 26 years together, I feel like my heart is ripped out and have been having chest pains, I have crying jags, depression, feeling of low self worth. I'm 56 and feel so unloved and unattractive.
It has been about 3 weeks since he cowardly left.
Some pro-active things... I ended up going to the doctors and he put me on anti-depressants.I went to about 8 Alanon Mtgs. (don't feel much connection there yet) I joined the gym (but feel so awkward there as well) a tubby middle-aged woman who doesn't belong among all those young and fit people.
I work with our/my friends (who are all married-30+ yrs). It is so painful and awkward to go to work and be among them. I feel lost and that I don''t belong anywhere.
I feel betrayed, angry, scared about future/finances/children. I'm lonely. I feel he sees the kids 1 or 2 times a wk for lunch or dinner, but then goes back to his place, leaving me with the daily grind of raising the kids and responsibilities. Everything here reminds me of our 26 years together. His place is sterile of memories and may even contain some of that home-wrecking ho's stuff. She mentioned me and the kids, so she knew he was married'
How can you be with someone for 26 years and honor your vows and not feel destroyed when they leave you? I got married because I loved/love him. I stayed with him because I love him and knew he would be a better man/father without the alcohol. Why now, after all these years when he does get sober feel no problem casting me aside?
Co-dependence, love, stupidity? I sound so pathetic, because I am.
Help!
Lots of arguing-his blaming me for his drinking, spending money on beer and cigs, instead of saving. Picking fights with me as an excuse to drink or leave. Nothing I did was good enough, I got older and fat, lazy (I work full time while he has winters off because of his job) the insults were demeaning and mean-spirited.
Now for me- I was either crying, monitoring his drinking, praying, nagging, defending him to family/friends, being the buffer of his abusive behavior between him and children, avoiding his family functions or being standoffish because they all drink excessively and lie or avoiding my family/friends functions because I had to explain his absence, worry about what he would say or do, or just be too beaten down and afraid people would notice.
We are a church going family-or should I say we were. Married 20 years and together 26 with two children.
I have lit countless candles, my family and children have said hundreds of prayers for his sobriety. Told him we could no longer live life this unless he got sober.
He got sober, been going to AA for 6.5 months, yoga, meditation. Then he started going to more meetings, staying longer and longer than the meetings called for. Started going out to dinner with his AA buddies. Texting all the time. Was home less and less, and when he was home he was on computer with headphones on listening to music and watching videos. He told me I was his drinking trigger and blamed me for making him want to drink.
Started sleeping on the couch, making excuses , you got the ugly picture.
He has a girlfriend (just said friend-eye-roll) and moved out when I was at work. Talk about blow to the gut. He said his sponsor said he was making a mistake, not to make a major decision for 1 year. He felt he had no choice and had to do it anyway to be healthy and he could no longer be happy with me.
Here is the major dysfunction...I want him back!
I feel the kids and I have put up with his alcoholism for so long and now that he is sober, we finally have a chance at a happy, healthy home. 26 years together, I feel like my heart is ripped out and have been having chest pains, I have crying jags, depression, feeling of low self worth. I'm 56 and feel so unloved and unattractive.
It has been about 3 weeks since he cowardly left.
Some pro-active things... I ended up going to the doctors and he put me on anti-depressants.I went to about 8 Alanon Mtgs. (don't feel much connection there yet) I joined the gym (but feel so awkward there as well) a tubby middle-aged woman who doesn't belong among all those young and fit people.
I work with our/my friends (who are all married-30+ yrs). It is so painful and awkward to go to work and be among them. I feel lost and that I don''t belong anywhere.
I feel betrayed, angry, scared about future/finances/children. I'm lonely. I feel he sees the kids 1 or 2 times a wk for lunch or dinner, but then goes back to his place, leaving me with the daily grind of raising the kids and responsibilities. Everything here reminds me of our 26 years together. His place is sterile of memories and may even contain some of that home-wrecking ho's stuff. She mentioned me and the kids, so she knew he was married'
How can you be with someone for 26 years and honor your vows and not feel destroyed when they leave you? I got married because I loved/love him. I stayed with him because I love him and knew he would be a better man/father without the alcohol. Why now, after all these years when he does get sober feel no problem casting me aside?
Co-dependence, love, stupidity? I sound so pathetic, because I am.
Help!
I read your story about your husband leaving you after he got sober. My heart goes out to you. And if you and your husband did not get back together, I can't help but think you might still be suffering. My boyfriend is on his second week of not drinking and has changed completely. That is how I came across your post. Please write me back and let me know how you are. Thank you.😊
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Hi Tme, and Welcome,
This particular post is more than 3 years old, so it's doubtful that the member will see it.
It's not surprising that your boyfriend has changed in sobriety. I hope you are taking care of yourself through this time.
This particular post is more than 3 years old, so it's doubtful that the member will see it.
It's not surprising that your boyfriend has changed in sobriety. I hope you are taking care of yourself through this time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Perhaps God/The universe has done for you what you could not do for yourself and remove this person from your life to make way for bigger and better things for you.
I love how you are already working on yourself. Going to the doctors for help, going to the gym. It is only your pride telling you that you do not belong there. Tell your pride to bugger off ! You do belong. You are worth everything this life has got to offer and much much more.
I know you are hurting right now and that is normal. Take it one day at a time. Put yourself first. Give yourself permission to do what is best for you and to look after you. Lots of self care. Continue to go to Al Anon. It took a while for me to really connect in AA and I am so glad I stayed!! Al Anon will hold you and love you until you can love yourself.
GOD/THE Universe has a plan for you. All you need is faith. Even the tiniest amount and I promise you it will grow.
Lots of love and prayers of strength and courage to you.
🙏❤🙏❤
I love how you are already working on yourself. Going to the doctors for help, going to the gym. It is only your pride telling you that you do not belong there. Tell your pride to bugger off ! You do belong. You are worth everything this life has got to offer and much much more.
I know you are hurting right now and that is normal. Take it one day at a time. Put yourself first. Give yourself permission to do what is best for you and to look after you. Lots of self care. Continue to go to Al Anon. It took a while for me to really connect in AA and I am so glad I stayed!! Al Anon will hold you and love you until you can love yourself.
GOD/THE Universe has a plan for you. All you need is faith. Even the tiniest amount and I promise you it will grow.
Lots of love and prayers of strength and courage to you.
🙏❤🙏❤
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
