katnip

hoping your experiences and wisdom will help me make some sense of the chaos that ensues from living with and loving an active alcoholic partner. I recently started reading and researching to help sort out my own role and issues in this scenario, as well as gain more info about his disease too. After 5 years, my head knows what is best for me to do, but how do I get my heart to let go of hope for something that will never be??

We are both in our early 50s. I know now though he is a career alcoholic since teenage years and continues to drink daily to staggering intoxication. He has long lapses between employment so he serially lives off of people - me now, parents and friends before. He tends to be aggressive when drinking, both verbally and several times physically. It seems he is perfectly content to let me (or anyone else) shoulder all the responsibility for his welfare, and what little money he does get goes toward fulfilling his own enjoyment. Yep, I see now I have been his biggest enabler. (I am learning!) But it is bewildering to me how many times he blames me for everything, plays nice to get what he wants, then reverts back to blaming me for everything again. It's like it's all been a game to him...??

In the past month, I started setting boundaries, enforcing them, and standing up for myself. Obviously, that has been met with even more resistance, deception, and the "silent treatment." Until he himself decides to embrace recovery, there really is no cause to hope for things to be any different than they have been, right? And all his talk about it not being the same if he were with someone else is just manipulative bull, right? It's not like he could change overnight!

I am smart, I am strong (on most days), but for the life of me I cannot figure out what keeps me drawn to this person? I'm sure there is something about the scenario that speaks to an issue of my own, but what is it and how do I overcome it to fully let go, say goodbye, and mean it?

dandylion

Katnip, there are several posters, here, right now that are struggling with the same issue...the fear of letting go.
Thousandwords and hearthealth are among those....It might be helpful for you to follow their threads and their back stories. If you click on the avatar...you can find all of the previous threads. See if anything resonates with you....
lol...actually, in this forum, there are thousands of real life stories of those with the same struggle.....

My dear...you ask if he could change overnight. If he is in his early 50's and has been at it since teen years...about 40yrs.....and shows no signs of quiting...I would say that the chances of that are zero.
The process of recovery...which is more than just putting down the bottle...is a long process for any alcoholic---and they have to really, really want it more than anything else.
You are with an alcoholic and an abuser. These are two issues...not just one...

You may not have thought of it, but you are living in a cycle of abuse. The roots of an abusive person goes very deep...and, there is nothing that you can do about that, but protect yourself.....and get out...

since you are having such a struggle letting go...I suggest that you get some supportive help. There is no need for you to walk this alone.....

What keeps you drawn to this person? It is likely somewhere in the fog...
Fear...Obligation...Guilt....

honeypig

Hi, katnip, and welcome to SR. I've found a tremendous amount of education and support here, and I hope you find the same.

A good place to start is simply by reading around the forum just as much as you can. As dandy said, there are so many stories here, and I'm sure many of them will resonate with you. Learning about alcoholism, and learning what you can and can't do about it, is a way to get a good solid start on your own recovery path. Make sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page--these are threads that have proven so useful that they've been made easy to find w/a permanent location.

You might find it helpful to check into an Alanon meeting, too--the focus at these meetings is always on us, the friends/spouses/family members of the A, and how we can learn, grow and heal.

I look forward to reading more of your posts, katnip--wishing you strength and clarity!

hearthealth

Welcome Katnip. As Danylion stated we are in the same river. It's not a game to my husband. It's emotional and verbal abuse and so is the silent treatment. It's how my husband is wired and he won't change because he doesn't have a problem with it.

I have the problem with it. So what can I do about it? I now recognize the only thing I can do is to leave. How was I able to make the change and let go? For me it was being aware daily about how his behavior affected me and if this is what I wanted on a daily basis for myself and my children.

I am afraid of change and transition. They are hard. This type of life is hard, probably harder. There is more to life than this. My mother did not want me to divorce but I know that ultimately she would want me to be happy.

NYCDoglvr

In my dysfunctional relationship I finally realized I was enabling the abusive behavior by staying. It didn't matter what I said, it mattered that as long as I stayed I was essentially saying it was ok. It helped me to finally get up the courage and leave for good.

thousandwords53

Yes, welcome. Stay here and share and read read read. Currently working on exiting my relationship.

..."But it is bewildering to me how many times he blames me for everything, plays nice to get what he wants, then reverts back to blaming me for everything again. It's like it's all been a game to him...??"

This I very much relate to. ^^^

katnip

Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive words. I have done alot of reading on the site today and am amazed and saddened by how many others walk on this path. I had never been around an alcoholic before my ABF, so this has all been a new eye-opening experience. As a loving, ougoing and giving person, his many acts of callousness and deceit have devastated me to the core. I could leave for work in the morning with everything seemingly fine, only to arrive home later and find him gone for days or weeks at a time. Forget trying to discuss anything with him the next morning about his outrageous behavior the night before. Any conversation he deemed remotely as crticism or a slight, he would promptly shut down with "stop ladling on the guilt." There is always this rage right beneath the surface that has come out both sober and intoxicated. Sometimes in a rage he would rip his clothing, get in my face, grab me, shove me, or gathering up his beer and drive off intoxicated even though I pleaded with him not to drive. I suffered in silence, walking on eggshells. Is this kind of rage part of the typical alcoholic behavior? Or does it maybe point to possible underlying issues not yet diagnosed?

LexieCat

What you are describing sounds less like "rage" and more like "abuse." I've worked in the domestic violence field professionally, for many years. You might benefit from calling your local women's shelter and talking with an advocate. There is also the National DV Hotline, at 1-800-799-7233 . Nobody will make you do anything you're not ready to do, but it's important to have a safety plan and to learn more about abuse.

No, abuse is not part of alcoholism--they are two separate issues (though the abuse may become worse when the abuser is drinking). As you've noticed, he doesn't have to be drunk to act that way.

It's nothing you did--this is all on him. And you don't have to keep taking it.

maia1234

Kat,
Welcome, glad you are reading and educating yourself. You addict is not so "special" after all, he is just like all the rest. They do not have a problem with their drinking. You do though, so the ball is in your court.

I would reach out for some face to face support. I would work on setting up boundaries. Not sure who owns or rents the house and what name it in. You can leave or you can give him 30 days and he can be asked to leave. I am not sure why, but for some reason we down play our addicts behavior. If there was no alcohol involved would you allow him to physically hurt you?

I agree with the others, physical abuse is a deal breaker. Please keep working on yourself, get some support, keep asking questions and life will get better. Hugs my friend, we are here 24/7.

velma929

My husband wasn't abusive, per se. Just drunk all the time.

He couldn't remember anything that had happened the night before. He was irritable in the morning, especially when he had a job. He would have to go to work and it would be hours before he could start drinking again. One night, I saw him propping himself up against the kitchen counter looking puzzled. He couldn't figure out how to operate the toaster.

He picked fights. It took me a couple times to decipher it, but he'd start out with one point of view, and if I agreed with him, he'd switch. I learned to say very little. The last year we were together, I'd say 90% of my replies to him were "Mmm-hmmm," or "Oh." I'd stop. I wouldn't offer my opinion, just affirm his.

What kept me there? I'll be brutally honest, although it makes me look stupider than I really am: I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake. (I guess that can be chalked up to pride, as well.) But it happens to lots of us. Lots. Figure there are people struggling with this who don't post on this forum. There are people struggling with this who don't even know this forum exists.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that there is life after this. I'm living it. I was clever enough to see the red flags with a new man, and walked away. I saw I'd be better off alone than to repeat the mistakes I'd made before.

katnip

Thank you for the wise advice Lexie. As much as I hate to sound naive, I always rationalized his bouts of rage as being part of the alcoholic personality. I'm getting my education now though. Like someone else mentioned, I guess I downplayed his actions by not calling it abuse. But it is.. oh how it is.

I own my home so he lived with me (rent free) for 5 yrs. During that time he was only employed maybe 12 months if you pieced all his jobs together. I set boundaries a little over a month ago, one of which was the expectation to get a job, support himself and repay me some of what I have paid to get him out of jams. During this past month I discovered him secretly communcating with a woman he had a crush on in high school. He says he was just being a sympathetic ear, but I honestly dont believe he is capable of that level of caring unless it benefits him in some way. Interestingly, this past Monday he took a new job 40 miles away which is a midpoint between where I am and she is. And wouldn't you know it....he left some of his clothes and things at my house. Figures though, that gives him an excuse to keep me tethered should he need me again. End of January I caught him on the phone with her and told him then to choose, that he couldn't have us both at the same time. He was drunk, so his temper flared, yet he had the gall to ask me to pay for a motel room so he could get away from me and continue talking to her.

The laws in my state make it tough to just kick someone to the curb. But I need for this to be over, clean and simple. That's not going to happen as long as he avoids coming to pick up his stuff. He is just using me like he always has. There is no love in that.

I wish for once I could be cold and unfeeling like he is. Seems it would make this heavy feeling of betrayal and disgust easier to navigate through.

hearthealth

Pack up his things in a tote. If he doesn't come back for them in a certain amount of time IMO they would be considered abandoned.

FeelingGreat

Hi katnip, you're almost there. First up is legal advice. Find a lawyer then go through the steps you need to get rid of this leech. I suggest you write out a list of things he's done to lead to this point. I'll start it:
1. Physical and emotional abuse
2. Using you and your money to give himself an easy life.

You finish it - as you write more and more will pop into your mind. It will strengthen your resolve as things start moving.

Consider moving quickly on getting rid of him; while he has an alternative he's likely to put up less of a fight. Be strategic and clever and hopefully he won't see it coming. Take your lawyers advice and stay safe. Change the locks for your own security and if he is in any way physical or intimidating call the police and take out a court order to keep him away.

Good luck - you can do this!

atalose

It will benefit you a whole lot to take a giant step back from him and the relationship and allow him to tether himself to this other woman. Allow him to establish himself at her residence then technically he's moved out and you can pack up his things and change your locks and be done with him.

LexieCat

One other thought--if you call your local women's shelter, an advocate can probably tell you whether you would be likely to qualify for a protective order. If you do, he can be ordered to leave and to have no contact with you. The laws on protective orders vary widely, but almost every state permits you to get one when there is physical abuse of any kind (even the shoving, slapping kind). Applying for a protective order is free and you don't need a lawyer (though it's helpful to have one if you can afford it--particularly if he has a lawyer).

Just one possible option--a temporary order can be obtained right away, though a hearing is required for the order to be made permanent or long-term.

maia1234

You have been gifted, my friend.

Talk to an attorney, but I agree, box his stuff and tell him it will be on the porch. On a certain day or time. Can anyone stay with you when he comes over, as he will be less likely to threaten you. (But before that, change the locks.)

Cut contact, phone, email, texting and all social media. He will be angry so please call the cops if there are issues and you fear anything. Don't take any chances, as his true colors will come out. Stay safe!!

heartcore

It sounds like you're not getting much back.

Only you can know when the scales have tipped irrevocably.

This is your life. You do not have to expend your life force caring for someone who is not taking care of you.

As we get older, we want to settle in to comfort & a trusted, safer life.
I am 50 now, & I desire that deeply.
But I am learning that we can't pretend that comfort and safety with someone who is actually not providing it, doing the work of two to convince ourselves. Holding both roles by ourselves.

I'm single. I do the work of one now. It is enough. I am lonely sometimes, but would rather be lonely while creating my life proudly than to be lonely inside a mythology of a two-ness which is pretend.

I remain open to finding a true partner, but - in the meantime - am happy & content with my own life. This is a big deal for me. I did not know how much energy I was actually expending trying to "make it work."

Someone on these boards once told me "listen to what they are telling you! With both their actions & their words."

Excellent advice. My ex was telling me, in every way he could, that he was unable to participate in my desired & imagined partnership. I listened finally. It was totally true & I had been deaf to its raw truth.

Learned & grown. No matter what, you are & will be ok & whole.

heartcore

Ps. Get his crap out of your house!
Send a text saying that you are delivering boxes to friend or family on this date at this time. Deliver.
Or, state that all possessions will be on the curb at this date & time. If he doesn't arrive to retrieve them, allow them to be taken by pickers & garbage guys.
Leaving objects behind is a manipulation. Don't get trapped there.
You are no longer responsible for "caring for & protecting" his possessions. He's a grown-up man. This is his job.

heartcore

Pps. Listen to Lexie & others & consider doing appropriate abuse paperwork. If you have fears about the legality of claiming your own house (?!? - that sucks), documenting his behavior now will likely make all the difference.

I'm concerned about your story of his recent escalations to physical conflict!

It is empowering to do the paperwork. Typically the practicing addict/alcoholic does not get around to doing "paperwork" & it can give you some legal security. If you don't need it later, no worries. If you do, you will be so relieved that you filed things (a restraining order, for example), in a timely way.

velma929

He took a job 40 miles away? Did he rent a place? He's out of your home right now?

Yes, the laws of every state make it a process to kick out a free-loader, but he may have just made the first step on his own. I, too, would be boxing up his belongings and consulting with an attorney to see what comes next.