sdg928

A friend suggested I post this message to all of you for your input on how to handle the situation. Short background.....I left my husband last week due to his alcoholism and his refusal to accept that he may have a problem. Now he claims that he wants to get help. I have no intention of moving back in with just because he says he wants to get help. I sent him an e-mail telling him that I didn't think we should see each other or talk daily on the phone. I said the ball is in his court and it is up to him to make the next move. He can either get help or not, but that the choice is his to make not mine. Here is his e-mail reply to me

"I am getting help for us--for the sake of our marriage. If we cannot be together, it seems to me that you are not willing to be there for me during these tough times. I don't believe that being separated, especially now when I am going through these programs, will cause me to want to cure the problem more than if we were together. If you do, then that is fine, I just disagree."

I have told him that I am completely supportive of his getting help if that is what he wants to do. By the way, I am also attending my first night of alanon tonight and I also went with him last night to his first AA meeting. I told him I was not going to go with him to anymore of his meetings right now, because I am focusing on my recovery from my codependancy.

Veronica

Sdg - you CAN support his recovery without supporting his alcoholism or your codependency. I learned to draw the line by letting my AH take care of his responsibilities - and not doing for him what he needs to be doing for himself. You want to support his recovery, but you're not a mind reader (though us codies think we are!), so ASK him how you can support his recovery. If he comes back with answers that have you doing for him what he should be doing for himself, say no. For example, he says he wants you to go to an AA meeting with him - you do not want to go (I think this was an issue you had in another post). My suggestion - say no, you believe it is his responsibility to go to the meeting, not yours. To show your support, however, you would be willing to drive him there and pick him up or meet him for coffee after - both of these suggestions were made by the counselors at my AH's rehab and I found both of them very helpful in showing support for my AH's recovery. Consider his conduct and how you can support his recovery - if you want to. If he asks something you are not willing to give, don't give it. Don't let him manipulate you. Follow your instincts. He needs to show you through his conduct (not his words...probably heard them all before anyway) what he is doing to get sober and earn you back as his wife. He doesn't deserve to treat you badly and expect you to stay...been there, done that. Hope this helps.

Petunia

SDG,

I think that Veronica's ideas are so right on the money. I'm making a note of them for myself. The only thing that I know works for me at times is to make a physical list of why/how I came to the decision I did regarding an action I took. There must have been specific reasons/actions that brought you to the decision to move out. Do you have these written down?

Being a CoDe with short term memory loss (one of my many coping maneuvers ) I have had to make lists for myself to remind me what has occurred that brought me to a point. Lots of times we don't want to remember the bad stuff and I agree. I look at the list as a reminder of what I don't want in my life anymore. It also helps when the A starts with the "what have I ever done to deserve being treated this way".

Recovery has a unique shape and definition for each of us. But Veronica is so right when she reminds that our As MUST take care of their own responsibilities - and we cannot do for them what they must do for themselves.

Peace my dear - if only for today. Welcome it in and sit down with it for a few mintues - it surprising how much peace wants to stay if we won't rush it off.

Petunia

Karivan

Pentunia that's a great idea to write things down... like in a journal? I also have a short term codie memory and it causes a lot of grief. When I went to outpatient rehab in '97, they had us keep a journal and I had totally forgot how much I liked doing that.

Thanks for the reminder!

sdg... my A said almost the very same words to me and I took it hook line and sinker! I guess I have a way to go in my recovery...

boopie94

I am a new person to this site... after 14 years of marriage to an alcholic, I asked my husband to leave the home. we have 3 kids and I had had it with the lies and the empty promises. I think it turned to corner when he promised my 10 year old dauhter to stop and broke it the next day. She knew it and called him on it. After that I pulled the kids out of the house in the middle of the night and stayed with friends for a few days. He agreed to leave for the kids sake. In the past 3 days he has been to5 meetings and feels good. For the first time i feel a calm in my house, not wondering where he is, or coming home or what conditin he would be coming home in...im not sure what will happen, however there is always a calm before the storm...I wanted you to know that i enjoyed reading your words and will continue to return.. Thank you

Magichappens

Hi sdg,
Sounds like he is putting the responsibility for his recovery on you. I don't know about you, but I'm just not that powerful. If I could have gotten or kept anyone sober, it would have happened a long time ago. Today I try not to take on the responsibility that others should take for themself.

Stay focussed on your recovery. If he can't stay sober away from you for a relatively short time, how can he stay sober at all? Whether you decide that he should come back or not, your recovery is the important thing for you to work on. You are important too! Hugs, Magic

sdg928

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. I actually did start keeping a log as of last Thursday (the day I left my AH) at my mother's suggestion (Mom's are always so wise). I also seem to forget so many of the bad things and then I get clouded as to what am I doing and why. I think the journal really helps. Plus I figure I may need it in divorce court because I no doubt that my AH is not going to go quietly. It will help to have things written down to refresh my memory.

Hugs to everyone.