milwaukeeguy85

I need to be intentionally vague... but a family member is under investigation and will likely pay the price for likely committing some serious financial crimes in order to fuel drug and gambling addictions.

My parent (the suspect in these crimes) has created such a mess that they used my grandparents business (a business run for over 50 years) to perpetuate the crimes. It is a really really bad situation to the point where their elderly parents are not sleeping at night, anxiety, etc. It is BAD and I have no choice but to involve myself as I am an adult and able to at least help mitigate the damage and help my grandparents. THis mainly involves me helping assemble information for the proper authorities, attorneys, attend some meetings with said people, and help my grandparents interpret paperwork etc. There will be no financial considerations on my part.

Having learned about co-dependancy (on this site nonetheless) i was able to let go of a lot of my issues when I started taking control of my life and taught myself to file away my addicted parents behavior. As a result became a much happier person. However in this case... I cannot just file this situation away... I am the only person in a position to help my aging family members clean this mess up and feel as if Im almost being a "forced co-dependent" as I am going to need to devote serious time and effort in to easing my grandparents situation as they recently discovered how ridiculous addiction will make someone act. I had hinted in the past on my parents issues but they chose to bury their head in the sand and now my lack of bluntness towards the issue has serious ramifications.

With all this being said there will likely be some long term punishment on the horizon for said family member and I was wondering:

#1- Should I stick with my gut feeling and have nothing to do with supporting the family member in their court proceedings... and let them fully feel the domino effect of their actions while they begin their forced sobriety?

#2- I do want my parent to stay sober (doubt it is possible) but am i being an impediment to this process by ignoring them once this all goes down? My early inclination is to attend no proceedings nor have any contact while said person is incarcerated as I am planning a wedding, a career change, going back for a masters degree, etc. I dont have time for their bs other than bare minimum such as possibly writing a letter/very rarely visiting at some point.... but part of me is vindictive enough to say screw them... its their fault they can sit in jail and rot. Any ideas on an approach to this?



While sobriety seems like it will go well when forced... quite frankly I want to think ahead and break all contact.... as understanding how this all works a few years down the road there is going to be an unemployed, homeless, "recovered" addict hitting the streets who will begin guilt tripping me in to making them not homeless.... when they have "changed" without a single iota of evidence showing they can do it with freedom.

Im all over the board... guess i just needed somewhere to vent cause this is seriously the worst. Anyone who has been in a similar situation.... would love to hear how you handled it. THanks for your time.

Tangent: Please also note that I view joining ANON groups etc as a form of co-dependency (as weird as that sounds) as I am taking very important time out of my life to sit in a community center because of an addicts behavior.

Maudcat

Welcome, milwaukeeguy. Yours sounds like a tough situation. Good for you for helping your grandparents. I think the questions you have about the situation will become clear as you move forward. Good luck.

Ariesagain

Maybe there's a difference from detaching from the alcoholic criminal versus detaching from his victims.

Maybe the litmus test is to keep asking yourself if what you're doing benefits them, not him.?

Im sorry this has happened, but I'm happy that your grandparents have you as their advocate.

ladyscribbler

Maudcat is right. I know that when I'm waffling about something it means that I'm not ready to make a decision, and that's fine. Most of the time any sense of urgency I feel is rooted in my own fears rather than an actual hard deadline. I want that feeling of being in control because I "made a decision" about something that has not yet come to pass and might not ever.

Totally get this. I felt the same way for many years. I grew up in an alcoholic home and it took another relationship to actually get me through those doors the first time. And I was resentful about having to spend *my* time dealing (I thought) with *their* stuff when I had already put up with so much craziness.

It was not like I expected. The alcoholics in my life and their behavior had a huge chunk of turf staked out in my head and so occupied plenty of my time without me really having much awareness. I found Al Anon helped with all those things I thought I was over but kept turning over in my mind when things were too quiet.

On a side note, Al Anon or a similar group might be helpful to your grandparents. You sound like you have some really firm boundaries in place already. This situation came about not because of your "lack of bluntness" but because they didn't have the knowledge or tools to set boundaries and deal with an addicted adult child. I think they would find a lot of support and help if they could attend a few meetings.

This is a terrible situation for everyone and you are really stepping up for your grandparents as well as dealing with your own stress so take good care of yourself too.

milwaukeeguy85

Thanks all for the thoughtful answers. Each and every response provided insight/value I was looking for on my post.

As an additional note... although unrelated... I am an boozer myself... and this website helped equip me with so much knowledge in my own struggle. Came to this site in 2010 and again in 2013 and this community has been the best online community ive had the pleasure of interacting with.

heartcore

I don't know enough to give true advice, but my intuitive push is that your grandparents need you most.

I would tell the addicted/recovering parent - "I support your recovery & am not trying to move against you in any way, but I believe that my grandparents need emotional support as they move through this experience & I intend to give them my full attention & energy. I value our family & am proud of your recovery, but I need to commit myself right now to supporting them."

If your parent is really doing recovery, they will be proud & satisfied that they raised a child who is kind enough to care about the emotional experience of the grandparents.

If they demand support, when they are the being who generated all this discord, well, whatever. That tells you that they missed the message!

heartcore

Ps. I don't know how old your grandparents are, or you, but "back in the day" it wasn't called "burying your head in the sand" or "codependency." It was family loyalty & hopefulness & naïveté about addiction.

These are different qualities. If you intend choosing to support them, meet them where they are.

All the rest might be helpful, but - until they feel/learn it - it is just contemporary jargon. For folks of a certain age, you granted trust first if you loved someone.

hopeful4

It's really hard when it's your grandparents who obviously need you. It really is forced codependency, however, it's also called caring and compassion. Good for you to do the right thing and help them in this obvious time of need.

As far as no contact, I fully support that. You can still love someone from afar. Sometimes they are too toxic to have a relationship with. You have to get on the life preserver. If we could love our qualifiers to sobriety, none of us would need to be here at all.

Hugs to you.

Eauchiche

Since my Dad passed away many years ago, I have come to peace with him. My faith has helped me immensely.

I think I should have gone no-contact with him 20 years before he died. My life would have been SO much better.

Please keep coming back. We are here to support you!