Melissa1217

Seeing all of the recent threads asking for advice on dealing with a partner who drinks had me wondering -

Do you identify yourself to a potential love interest as an alcoholic or problem drinker ?

Do you give them the opportunity to decide if they wish to pursue a relationship with you by disclosing that info upfront?

Would you romantically peruse someone who can and does drink "normally".

daisy1

I was going to post something similar funnily enough. I'm 42 days sober and a lovely paramedic has asked me out 'for a drink'. I've known him for years and HES a lovely guy. I'm starting to fret a little about how to do this. Sharing a drink with someone is such a 'normal' thing. I don't want to tell him im an alcoholic - I think I will tell him I'm on a health kick and see how it goes. He seems to enjoy the odd red wine looking at his facebook which worries me as it was my drink of choice.

tomsteve

"Do you identify yourself to a potential love interest as an alcoholic or problem drinker ?"
personally,no.
because im a recovered alcoholic. I USED to be a practicing alcoholic with a serious drinking problem, but I no longer have that problem. ive been open about it. no need to hide the truth- a truth im not ashamed of. might sound crazy, but all them years of drunkenness are what was necessary for me to be who I am today.

I dated/had a relationship with one of them normal drinkers. in fact, I think in the 2 years we were together I saw her drink 4 or so times.

and If the occasion arose where I was interested in someone that was a normie, of course id peruse her.
in the meantime, im reaaaalllllllly enjoying the single life.

Grymt

Yes. I think that would come up naturally. I'd definitely say "I don't drink" and "If I do my life becomes unmanageable". when it become s a topic. I'd reserve explaining alcoholism for more private conversations. I wouldn't hide it though.

I don't pursue people anymore. (I try not to peruse them either. )

starstarstar

Good question, Melissa. I hadn't thought about that but will have to, eventually. Right now I'm too focused on myself (I've only recently quit drinking) but I will watch this thread. Thank you!

Anna

I haven't dated in a long while, but I do not think, that on Date #1, you should spill your deep, dark secrets. And, not just about alcoholism - but other deeply personal things, too. If someone said to me 'Let's meet for a drink', I'd say, How about Coffee?, and judge his response.

mecanix

I met mex-m8 after 2 years sober, he asked if i wanted to meet up to go out i said i don't drink.
he said great, pubs and bars are really boring how about a trip to the beach, a long walk and fish and chips .
the last 4 years have been the best ever

Normal drinking for him is one or two drinks a year and he finds pubs / bars boring because most people who habitualy drink are a bit boring if that dosnt interest you.

I deliberately stayed single for 2 years after sobriety as the whole love and dating thing has always been too much up and down to deal with in the past.

Sobriety and maybe being a bit older made things a lot nicer and calmer this time round .

Be brave , take things gently , someone out there will probably love that you dont drink. I'd not want to be with someone who thought sobriety unthinkable or odd or whose passtime was going out of the house to go and stand in a room with a lot of other people till late all drinking . dull dull dull !

Bestwishes, m

shortstop81

I am trying to avoid dating for at least my first year in recovery (hell, my divorce isn't even final yet). But when I wade back into the dating pool, I'll be up front about it. I don't want to waste anyone's time if the thought of being with an 'ex-addict' is a dealbreaker.

PhoenixJ

Once firmly adjusted to a sober life style (say 2-3 years) re you 3 questions-
yes, yes and yes.

wpainterw

I am not qualified to comment. I will reach 90 this year, have been married for 61 years and never kissed a girl until age 20. O.K. You can go ahead and say that's "awesome"! ( I have two sons and five grandchildren so don't get the wrong idea!). The truth is that I'm a dogaholic and I'm in love with my dog. It's a male but that's O.K. since this is Massachusetts. Also he's English.

W

BrendaChenowyth

I'm only six months sober.. between work, school, other responsibilities, and focusing on my recovery, I don't have the emotional energy available to begin a new romantic relationship.

If I met someone right now I felt romantic interest in, I would likely make it a point to keep my distance.

Let's say I'm sober a year, or two, or five and I feel comfortable enough in my recovery that I can focus on a new relationship. I would tell him that I do not drink because I don't like the way it affects me.

BrendaChenowyth

Oh and would I date someone who drinks normally? I believe drinking normally, for a 30+ person, means generally you don't drink, unless it's a special occasion and then you might have a couple. In which case your non-drinking SO would be your DD. I am fine with that.

MissPerfumado

I've had three romantic interests since getting sober. With each one I was completely upfront that I don't drink but that I used to, and was discreet about the reasons why. One thought it was utterly normal because I'm a keen runner and he took it as part of my fitness "thing", the second thought it was fine and barely cared, and the last asked whether I'd had a problem with it. To the last one I said that I just didn't like the way I used it to cope with stress or something like that.

Each of them drank socially. As far I'm concerned, it had no bearing at all on whether things progressed or not.

The main consideration I have is that anyone I have a romance with must not have a problem with my not drinking. Other than that, I find that drinking or not drinking is close to one of the most boring things that can be discussed with a new love interest.

Croissant

Love some of the answers here!
I am a month off 2 years sober and a few monfhs into a healthy relationship.
Thia simply could not have happened in early sobriety. Going for 'a drink' with a guy was putting way too much pressure on myself, fretting about my 'why I don't drink' answers.
I spent at least 15 months with myself til I was comfy with the new me before I could dare to think I had enough happy space in my heart to love someone in a good and nondependent way.

uncorked

I'm glad for this thread. I've been sober since Oct. 2015 and recently decided to start dating again. The whole "let's meet for a drink" thing is giving me pause.

teatreeoil007

I wouldn't pursue anyone or anything... just be and let be...

kevlarsjal

My boyfriend (sober for 4 years) told me about his alcoholism the day we met (which wasn't a date though). I was still drinking then and didn't know yet I had the same problem. I told him early on though that I feel like my drinking has problematic tendencies and I felt like I was close to an addiction in the past. When I did realise I had a drinking problem we were already dating so of course I told him/ he witnessed it himself.

Now we both feel like it's helpful that we share the same problem, cause it makes it harder to trick yourself into thinking you can drink again in the future or to just forget how bad it was.