Am I in the wrong and had this coming?
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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Am I in the wrong and had this coming?
Hey everyone,
Posted a month ago. Think I should have listened to everyone when they said detach...but I didn't. Ex called me a month ago and went MIA when I followed up with coffee. He came back to messaging me and saying he missed me a week and a half later. Said he wants me in his life but not sure how and wants to take things REALLY SLOW. I told him I cared and I'm willing to support him in his recovery. Two days go by and he bailed on grabbing coffee. I pretty much told him that I don't have time for the games and that I wish him the best. He finally responded and said "this is really it?". I didn't respond. He messaged me again two days later and said he loved me and that's why he wants to start talking to me again. He wants me in his life. I told him to leave me alone and I can't play this game. He needs to be a man of his word and I can support him from afar. He told me to give him one more chance. I caved. He called me everyday and said he's trying to show he's a changed man. He's in a bad spot and living on his sisters couch. There was one day where i called and his phone was off most of the day. He said he had phone problems. Two more weeks and he's great with communication. He was talking about something with a vehicle and how he couldn't find anyone to give him a ride. It was 10 mins for me so I offered. He accepted and everything was fine. He said he was glad seeing me and he would like to see me that following weekend. He actually followed through and pretty much took me on a date. It was really fun and he seemed changed. His birthday is tomorrow and I asked if he wanted to do something and he said yes. He wants to hang out any day. We went out and it was fun. He did admit to moving in with the last girl he dated and was kicked out a month ago...around the time he started calling me. I played it off but saw it as a red flag. He wanted to hang out again the next day. He called me the next morning and said he wanted to communicate but needed to cancel because he was going for a job interview. He was awesome for another two days. I am in the process of moving and he was very supportive but was wary of not having asking me to crash with me. I know he was looking for a place and told him of a friend looking for a roommate and he didn't respond to that. On Valentine's Day he was sweet but made it a point to tell me he is lonely but will be okay. Yesterday he calls me about the new job and how he's quitting his other job since it starts tomorrow (today). Doesn't seem right but I go along with it. I called Him that afternoon and he picked up and hung up. He never calls me back or anything. I called him today and he apologized before I even said hi. He said he had phone problems. He said he wasn't sure if he could hang out on his birthday (which is tomorrow) because his dad might want to do something but he should know by noon. If his dad bails, he wants to see me. I called him after work and he said he's still working at the new job and it's overtime. Doesn't know when he will be off but I should text him. I asked him about his birthday and he said he can't hang out. He's not seeing anyone and he has things to take care of. I told him it's a bummer but okay. I asked him to call me because I wanted to talk to him about his current situation. (He told me earlier in the week that his sister was kicking him out). He told me to just text everything. I told him about taking advantage of my friend looking for a roommate. He just said he has things to take care of. I asked him what it was and he just said he wanted to be alone. I kind of got upset and told him that I feel like he's pushing me away and I just hope his situation gets better. He responded with saying that how can he be pushing me away when he talks every day and just doesn't want to talk about what he's doing for his birthday. He then says that he feels that I am only having this conversation due to the fact that he doesn't want to hang out with me tomorrow. I told him I just wanted to communicate my feelings and just know that I'm having a hard time believing everything since trust has been broken. He never responded and ignored the one call I gave him.
So, I feel like I should have just held out on this conversation for after his birthday but my gut is telling me that he isn't just having phone problems. I know I'm walking the fine line of friends but I really know that's all I can do for him at this time. I know I do love him deep down but I cannot get wrapped up in a full relationship or even ask that of him when he is 90 days clean. From people that been in a similar situation, did you just cut all contact? I dont want to turn my back on him but I know I deserve better as a friend because I would be irritated if a friend not going through recovery pulled this. Or maybe I had this coming and being "too much" of a friend? Any advice??
Posted a month ago. Think I should have listened to everyone when they said detach...but I didn't. Ex called me a month ago and went MIA when I followed up with coffee. He came back to messaging me and saying he missed me a week and a half later. Said he wants me in his life but not sure how and wants to take things REALLY SLOW. I told him I cared and I'm willing to support him in his recovery. Two days go by and he bailed on grabbing coffee. I pretty much told him that I don't have time for the games and that I wish him the best. He finally responded and said "this is really it?". I didn't respond. He messaged me again two days later and said he loved me and that's why he wants to start talking to me again. He wants me in his life. I told him to leave me alone and I can't play this game. He needs to be a man of his word and I can support him from afar. He told me to give him one more chance. I caved. He called me everyday and said he's trying to show he's a changed man. He's in a bad spot and living on his sisters couch. There was one day where i called and his phone was off most of the day. He said he had phone problems. Two more weeks and he's great with communication. He was talking about something with a vehicle and how he couldn't find anyone to give him a ride. It was 10 mins for me so I offered. He accepted and everything was fine. He said he was glad seeing me and he would like to see me that following weekend. He actually followed through and pretty much took me on a date. It was really fun and he seemed changed. His birthday is tomorrow and I asked if he wanted to do something and he said yes. He wants to hang out any day. We went out and it was fun. He did admit to moving in with the last girl he dated and was kicked out a month ago...around the time he started calling me. I played it off but saw it as a red flag. He wanted to hang out again the next day. He called me the next morning and said he wanted to communicate but needed to cancel because he was going for a job interview. He was awesome for another two days. I am in the process of moving and he was very supportive but was wary of not having asking me to crash with me. I know he was looking for a place and told him of a friend looking for a roommate and he didn't respond to that. On Valentine's Day he was sweet but made it a point to tell me he is lonely but will be okay. Yesterday he calls me about the new job and how he's quitting his other job since it starts tomorrow (today). Doesn't seem right but I go along with it. I called Him that afternoon and he picked up and hung up. He never calls me back or anything. I called him today and he apologized before I even said hi. He said he had phone problems. He said he wasn't sure if he could hang out on his birthday (which is tomorrow) because his dad might want to do something but he should know by noon. If his dad bails, he wants to see me. I called him after work and he said he's still working at the new job and it's overtime. Doesn't know when he will be off but I should text him. I asked him about his birthday and he said he can't hang out. He's not seeing anyone and he has things to take care of. I told him it's a bummer but okay. I asked him to call me because I wanted to talk to him about his current situation. (He told me earlier in the week that his sister was kicking him out). He told me to just text everything. I told him about taking advantage of my friend looking for a roommate. He just said he has things to take care of. I asked him what it was and he just said he wanted to be alone. I kind of got upset and told him that I feel like he's pushing me away and I just hope his situation gets better. He responded with saying that how can he be pushing me away when he talks every day and just doesn't want to talk about what he's doing for his birthday. He then says that he feels that I am only having this conversation due to the fact that he doesn't want to hang out with me tomorrow. I told him I just wanted to communicate my feelings and just know that I'm having a hard time believing everything since trust has been broken. He never responded and ignored the one call I gave him.
So, I feel like I should have just held out on this conversation for after his birthday but my gut is telling me that he isn't just having phone problems. I know I'm walking the fine line of friends but I really know that's all I can do for him at this time. I know I do love him deep down but I cannot get wrapped up in a full relationship or even ask that of him when he is 90 days clean. From people that been in a similar situation, did you just cut all contact? I dont want to turn my back on him but I know I deserve better as a friend because I would be irritated if a friend not going through recovery pulled this. Or maybe I had this coming and being "too much" of a friend? Any advice??
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Lgb if you can't go the whole NC route, at least leave the contacting up to him; don't initiate it yourself and don't make appointments with him.
Honestly? I think he's either seeing someone else, or using occasionally. The slipperiness about committing to a time, especially on his birthday, just doesn't add up.
He tried for a while, then slipped back into old ways. You aren't allowing yourself to move on, meet other people and build a new social circle. Imagine yourself trying to give up smoking, but having the occasional one now and them. You're just keeping the addiction going.
Make the uncomfortable short-term decision for a better long-term future.
Honestly? I think he's either seeing someone else, or using occasionally. The slipperiness about committing to a time, especially on his birthday, just doesn't add up.
He tried for a while, then slipped back into old ways. You aren't allowing yourself to move on, meet other people and build a new social circle. Imagine yourself trying to give up smoking, but having the occasional one now and them. You're just keeping the addiction going.
Make the uncomfortable short-term decision for a better long-term future.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lbg, he didn't listen before and he's not listening now...really, nothing has changed.
His evasiveness and inability to make or meet commitments speaks volumes. His actions tell you more than his words every could.
You can't wish him clean, you can 't love him clean, he's using drugs and using you and I'm sorry but there are no options for you here that won't bring pain. Staying will prolong the pain, not make it go away.
You deserve better, tell yourself that and stay strong.
Hugs
His evasiveness and inability to make or meet commitments speaks volumes. His actions tell you more than his words every could.
You can't wish him clean, you can 't love him clean, he's using drugs and using you and I'm sorry but there are no options for you here that won't bring pain. Staying will prolong the pain, not make it go away.
You deserve better, tell yourself that and stay strong.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Here's your first post a few months ago...http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...long-here.html
Sometimes it helps to see in your own words that it's the same stuff, different day.
This man has long-term problems that you can't fix.
Pray for him and stay away from him...the more you get ensnared, the harder it is to get out.
Sometimes it helps to see in your own words that it's the same stuff, different day.
This man has long-term problems that you can't fix.
Pray for him and stay away from him...the more you get ensnared, the harder it is to get out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, Lbg, fully leaving a partner is a process, whether they are in recovery or still using. You have recently experienced another step in that process. Trust yourself. What does your ex's behavior tell you? What should you do next?
I see several red flags in your post. Imagine you do too.
I think your ex is using. Could that be why his sister is booting him?
Keep your boundaries well in place. He is looking for the soft landing that ALL addicts seek. Don't let him stay with you, even temporarily.
Btw, phone problems? Who has phone problems in this day and age?
Personally, I would stop contacting him. Peace..
I see several red flags in your post. Imagine you do too.
I think your ex is using. Could that be why his sister is booting him?
Keep your boundaries well in place. He is looking for the soft landing that ALL addicts seek. Don't let him stay with you, even temporarily.
Btw, phone problems? Who has phone problems in this day and age?
Personally, I would stop contacting him. Peace..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone...I thought maybe I was over reacting or just should have been a little more patient with him. I'm glad I'm not "seeing" things because the phone problems and the hot and cold with the birthday just really set me off. I do feel guilty with his comment of him talking to me or trying to every day and if he was seeing me on his birthday, we wouldn't be having this conversation....maybe he's right BUT regardless he ignored mid conversation. Is that normal? I almost regret bringing up how I feel and think I could have waited. I'm completely questioning my emotions right now...
Ariesagain, holy moly....you made me have a total "ah-ha" moment. I already went through this months ago but didn't realize it. Maybe it was the rehab talk, the date and the consistent communication up until two days ago that made me turn a blind eye.
Putting things in prospective...he's an adult and he knows I'm here yet won't reach out. Maybe he doesn't want me in his life but rather wanted something out of me for the time being (whatever it is).
Ariesagain, holy moly....you made me have a total "ah-ha" moment. I already went through this months ago but didn't realize it. Maybe it was the rehab talk, the date and the consistent communication up until two days ago that made me turn a blind eye.
Putting things in prospective...he's an adult and he knows I'm here yet won't reach out. Maybe he doesn't want me in his life but rather wanted something out of me for the time being (whatever it is).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Trying to date your ex again is like buying your clothes back from goodwill. There is a reason you got rid of them in the first place.
You want a “relationship” with this person and are willing to settle for acquaintance, friend, whatever you can get and hold onto. You deserve so much more then what this person will ever be able to offer you.
You know his history; you know he has been kicked out of numerous places he has lived, including his own sister so why would you then suggest he move in with one of your friends? Do you not like this friend? Or could it be that by having him live with your friend you would have a way of maintaining contact and always have insight on and about him.
Going no contact is the healthiest decision you could make for yourself.
You want a “relationship” with this person and are willing to settle for acquaintance, friend, whatever you can get and hold onto. You deserve so much more then what this person will ever be able to offer you.
You know his history; you know he has been kicked out of numerous places he has lived, including his own sister so why would you then suggest he move in with one of your friends? Do you not like this friend? Or could it be that by having him live with your friend you would have a way of maintaining contact and always have insight on and about him.
Going no contact is the healthiest decision you could make for yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Just one other thought...you're not the only woman in the picture here, for sure. Chances are that woman whose place he "got kicked out of" is getting strung along just the way you are. They do like to have multiple backups.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Your situation sounds like mine in many ways. What I can tell you is that the supporters in this forum who have been thru this have such amazing insight. I think you know what you need to do for yourself but it is hard because you love him and want to help him. This situation will suck the life out of you. Step away and focus on yourself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 5
Just an update. He called me on his birthday but I couldn't pick up... I asked him if he needed anything. No response...
Flash forward to today...he posted a picture of him and another girl... all lovey dovey.
I don't even know if it's the drugs or I am an overall idiot. I instantly thought there was something wrong with me. I guess I didn't offer him what he wanted...all lies. Taking it slow while calling me everyday/slipping on another. I'm just really upset because I want him to have a decent TRUTHFUL life...
Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate all of you.
Flash forward to today...he posted a picture of him and another girl... all lovey dovey.
I don't even know if it's the drugs or I am an overall idiot. I instantly thought there was something wrong with me. I guess I didn't offer him what he wanted...all lies. Taking it slow while calling me everyday/slipping on another. I'm just really upset because I want him to have a decent TRUTHFUL life...
Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate all of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Posted a picture where? On facebook or something?
I've had one relationship where I was linked to him on social media. As soon as things went sideways I blocked him and unfriended him, and by blocking him on my phone and email made it difficult for him to email or text me. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
This:
is none of your business.
None of this has anything to do with you; you didn't cause any of it and you can't change it.
I've had one relationship where I was linked to him on social media. As soon as things went sideways I blocked him and unfriended him, and by blocking him on my phone and email made it difficult for him to email or text me. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
This:
I'm just really upset because I want him to have a decent TRUTHFUL life...
None of this has anything to do with you; you didn't cause any of it and you can't change it.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
His "dating" around has absolutely nothing, zilch, nada to do with you. He's just latching on to the new "solution" because that way, he doesn't have to acknowledge the elephant that has taken over his life.
That lovey-dovey stuff won't last long...wait until he starts treating her the way he's treated you.
Dump him by the side of the road, put the top down and the radio on, and drive away singing.
That lovey-dovey stuff won't last long...wait until he starts treating her the way he's treated you.
Dump him by the side of the road, put the top down and the radio on, and drive away singing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 52
Yeah, I really like the blocking idea. I'd block him on my phone, email, social media and just forget about him. There are so many men out there that want to treat a woman right and so many people out there that make way better friends, why settle for this kind of treatment from anyone?
I've found that it's a lot easier to come to terms with something for YOURSELF while ignoring the other person's words or actions. I was in a really bad relationship, where I pretty much let the person do whatever they wanted, regardless of how it blew up in my face. It took me a while to see that I was being stupid to expect a change in someone else just because I wanted it. I had to spend a lot of time in deep thought about why I was allowing people to walk all over me and still worrying about only them. Then I had to stop and make a strong decision in my mind to cut them out and forget about them. To tell myself that its over and will stay that way no matter what they say or do in the future, that my chances of being happy are way better without them period.
Then, because I stopped looking to validate myself or my feelings through relationships, and put up healthy boundaries, I accidentally found my best friend in the whole world. I even TRIED to not let myself fall in love with this man because I wrote off relationships for a while, but it was impossible, he is so perfect to me. He would never treat me poorly and has my back no matter what.
You deserve a good, healthy life and that won't happen if you keep letting crappy people mess with you. Put up some boundaries that you never let ANYONE cross. One good one would be NO LIES, period. And if their history seems pretty bad, back off immediately. I once heard a wise man say "The best predictor of future behavior is PAST behavior."
I've found that it's a lot easier to come to terms with something for YOURSELF while ignoring the other person's words or actions. I was in a really bad relationship, where I pretty much let the person do whatever they wanted, regardless of how it blew up in my face. It took me a while to see that I was being stupid to expect a change in someone else just because I wanted it. I had to spend a lot of time in deep thought about why I was allowing people to walk all over me and still worrying about only them. Then I had to stop and make a strong decision in my mind to cut them out and forget about them. To tell myself that its over and will stay that way no matter what they say or do in the future, that my chances of being happy are way better without them period.
Then, because I stopped looking to validate myself or my feelings through relationships, and put up healthy boundaries, I accidentally found my best friend in the whole world. I even TRIED to not let myself fall in love with this man because I wrote off relationships for a while, but it was impossible, he is so perfect to me. He would never treat me poorly and has my back no matter what.
You deserve a good, healthy life and that won't happen if you keep letting crappy people mess with you. Put up some boundaries that you never let ANYONE cross. One good one would be NO LIES, period. And if their history seems pretty bad, back off immediately. I once heard a wise man say "The best predictor of future behavior is PAST behavior."
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