Lame update
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Lame update
Hello SR friends,
I have been trying to lay low as I figure out my mess....
Update …nothing really awesome has happened to be honest.
AH did commit to an 8 month out patient treatment program with random UI’s …and has finished his first week. He is overwhelmed with the crowd he is clumped with, everyone else there is because of court order so of course he doesn’t fit in…uh huh. Anyways he is doing this program in hopes that the end result will be me agreeing to marriage counseling.
I am a little overwhelmed by him right now…he is partially hearing what he wants to hear and the 12 steps/recovery is all news to him (even though I have been doing my own recovery its brand new to him and I am hearing him parrot back info that is a little misconstrued )
Anywho…I have nicely had another talk with him and reiterated the fact that I want to still have time apart…he needs to find a place. Come to find out all resources of friends are exhausted...so he needs to secure an apartment..fine. I am really hoping that he does keep his search up. I have continued to keep my space, but he keeps trying to make amends and chat.
Monday night he was upset I didn’t get out of the bath after he had been home for an hour (I thought I heard him arrive but really wasn’t worried about it) He copped an attitude that “he was bothering me” and I said no, I’m free now, would you like to talk about your day??? …and we did talk but he was very hurt I wasn’t “there for him” ..this is when I reiterated the fact that I wanted time apart..he says how can we fix us when we are apart? I told him we need to fix ourselves first…he feels that I have left him to flounder about and never checking him on his attitude or bad behavior...leaving him to his own devices etc... I said that is not my job and that is a problem if you expect that of me and ALSO you say that yet I am the first person you lash out on if anything happens or if I try to “control” you…he really doesn’t get it.
So this is a very unupdated update. I feel lost. I’m torn between being supportive and being absent to save my sanity and I really don’t know how to act. My counselor had said to keep with my plan of serving him but I am having a hard time doing that as it would be out of left field really due to our regular, cordial contact.
He says some things that make me realize this is just a bandaid..but I do want to give credit where credit is due. He is being decent to me, not abusive but definitely not embracing recovery and placing blame still..time will tell I suppose I just don't know how to act or what to do. Its a strange limbo for me. I also want to add: He expressed resentment/frustration towards me for "leaving him in the dust" while I work on my health and my weightloss and I have an internet community that I am fully involved with on that subject..he feels like he is old news and I'm on to better bigger things...really I have just been detaching and working on myself...I fear that I have done detachment wrong to make him feel this way or is this common? He says I am in love with the gym and with that lifestyle and he doesn't think he can change and be that kind of guy..I quickly corrected him and said that I LOVE MYSELF now and I am not going to dim my shine, and this has hardly anything to do with that. I cannot handle the jealousy and refuse to stop my own improvement to make him feel comfortable.
.....I am rambling now. I reached out to Dandy (THANK YOU SO MUCH) and suggested I start this thread because you guys never cease to help push me along....even if it's at a snail's pace.
I just wish he would pack and go and make this easy but no. Never has never will.
I have been trying to lay low as I figure out my mess....
Update …nothing really awesome has happened to be honest.
AH did commit to an 8 month out patient treatment program with random UI’s …and has finished his first week. He is overwhelmed with the crowd he is clumped with, everyone else there is because of court order so of course he doesn’t fit in…uh huh. Anyways he is doing this program in hopes that the end result will be me agreeing to marriage counseling.
I am a little overwhelmed by him right now…he is partially hearing what he wants to hear and the 12 steps/recovery is all news to him (even though I have been doing my own recovery its brand new to him and I am hearing him parrot back info that is a little misconstrued )
Anywho…I have nicely had another talk with him and reiterated the fact that I want to still have time apart…he needs to find a place. Come to find out all resources of friends are exhausted...so he needs to secure an apartment..fine. I am really hoping that he does keep his search up. I have continued to keep my space, but he keeps trying to make amends and chat.
Monday night he was upset I didn’t get out of the bath after he had been home for an hour (I thought I heard him arrive but really wasn’t worried about it) He copped an attitude that “he was bothering me” and I said no, I’m free now, would you like to talk about your day??? …and we did talk but he was very hurt I wasn’t “there for him” ..this is when I reiterated the fact that I wanted time apart..he says how can we fix us when we are apart? I told him we need to fix ourselves first…he feels that I have left him to flounder about and never checking him on his attitude or bad behavior...leaving him to his own devices etc... I said that is not my job and that is a problem if you expect that of me and ALSO you say that yet I am the first person you lash out on if anything happens or if I try to “control” you…he really doesn’t get it.
So this is a very unupdated update. I feel lost. I’m torn between being supportive and being absent to save my sanity and I really don’t know how to act. My counselor had said to keep with my plan of serving him but I am having a hard time doing that as it would be out of left field really due to our regular, cordial contact.
He says some things that make me realize this is just a bandaid..but I do want to give credit where credit is due. He is being decent to me, not abusive but definitely not embracing recovery and placing blame still..time will tell I suppose I just don't know how to act or what to do. Its a strange limbo for me. I also want to add: He expressed resentment/frustration towards me for "leaving him in the dust" while I work on my health and my weightloss and I have an internet community that I am fully involved with on that subject..he feels like he is old news and I'm on to better bigger things...really I have just been detaching and working on myself...I fear that I have done detachment wrong to make him feel this way or is this common? He says I am in love with the gym and with that lifestyle and he doesn't think he can change and be that kind of guy..I quickly corrected him and said that I LOVE MYSELF now and I am not going to dim my shine, and this has hardly anything to do with that. I cannot handle the jealousy and refuse to stop my own improvement to make him feel comfortable.
.....I am rambling now. I reached out to Dandy (THANK YOU SO MUCH) and suggested I start this thread because you guys never cease to help push me along....even if it's at a snail's pace.
I just wish he would pack and go and make this easy but no. Never has never will.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Here are your threads...they go back two years.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7591398
Maybe read them through?
If what you want in your heart of hearts is to be done with this relationship, that's enough. You don't need to continue trying to twist yourself around so that these little bits are enough or so that it semi, sorta fits.
You've spent two years that way. How much more time do you have?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7591398
Maybe read them through?
If what you want in your heart of hearts is to be done with this relationship, that's enough. You don't need to continue trying to twist yourself around so that these little bits are enough or so that it semi, sorta fits.
You've spent two years that way. How much more time do you have?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Thousandwords, you are working very hard to keep things moving forward and to build a positive, productive life. Reading this post, and following your other posts, I must say that you are doing the work, ma'am.
I think your husband is doing what all addicts do. He doesn't want to leave. He wants to blame you. He wants things to be just as they were.
And he thinks he should have this because he isn't drinking. He's in out patient with court-ordered patients, but he isn't like them.
And he wants to blame you for this, too.
He is sober, but he is not in recovery, as you have said.
Stay with your plan. Keep working on you. Things will go the way they are meant to go. Peace.
I think your husband is doing what all addicts do. He doesn't want to leave. He wants to blame you. He wants things to be just as they were.
And he thinks he should have this because he isn't drinking. He's in out patient with court-ordered patients, but he isn't like them.
And he wants to blame you for this, too.
He is sober, but he is not in recovery, as you have said.
Stay with your plan. Keep working on you. Things will go the way they are meant to go. Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Here are your threads...they go back two years.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7591398
Maybe read them through?
If what you want in your heart of hearts is to be done with this relationship, that's enough. You don't need to continue trying to twist yourself around so that these little bits are enough or so that it semi, sorta fits.
You've spent two years that way. How much more time do you have?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7591398
Maybe read them through?
If what you want in your heart of hearts is to be done with this relationship, that's enough. You don't need to continue trying to twist yourself around so that these little bits are enough or so that it semi, sorta fits.
You've spent two years that way. How much more time do you have?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Thousandwords, you are working very hard to keep things moving forward and to build a positive, productive life. Reading this post, and following your other posts, I must say that you are doing the work, ma'am.
I think your husband is doing what all addicts do. He doesn't want to leave. He wants to blame you. He wants things to be just as they were.
And he thinks he should have this because he isn't drinking. He's in out patient with court-ordered patients, but he isn't like them.
And he wants to blame you for this, too.
He is sober, but he is not in recovery, as you have said.
Stay with your plan. Keep working on you. Things will go the way they are meant to go. Peace.
I think your husband is doing what all addicts do. He doesn't want to leave. He wants to blame you. He wants things to be just as they were.
And he thinks he should have this because he isn't drinking. He's in out patient with court-ordered patients, but he isn't like them.
And he wants to blame you for this, too.
He is sober, but he is not in recovery, as you have said.
Stay with your plan. Keep working on you. Things will go the way they are meant to go. Peace.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
Two years...I know. I get mad at myself for still asking for help
In the end, we're just people on the internet. It's your life and only you can decide when you want to make a change or if you can be content with the status quo.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Please don't think that I posted your threads because it's bad that you're asking for help...I just posted that link because sometimes it helps to see your life in your own words and how things have changed...or not changed...over time.
In the end, we're just people on the internet. It's your life and only you can decide when you want to make a change or if you can be content with the status quo.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
In the end, we're just people on the internet. It's your life and only you can decide when you want to make a change or if you can be content with the status quo.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
1000W- addiction sucks. Addictive behaviour sucks.
What do you get when a drunk horse thief stops drinking?
A sober horse thief.
He is still a thief.
A 'dry drunk'.
Look after yourself. Set boundaries with support to enforce them.
Logic and emotion seldom agree when dealing with with crud.
Stay safe.
My thoughts and support to you.
PJ
What do you get when a drunk horse thief stops drinking?
A sober horse thief.
He is still a thief.
A 'dry drunk'.
Look after yourself. Set boundaries with support to enforce them.
Logic and emotion seldom agree when dealing with with crud.
Stay safe.
My thoughts and support to you.
PJ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
I just logically know the answer to my own dilemma....like reading other threads...it's so obvious and "easy" , yet when it is my own situation it seems insurmountable.
I understand better now!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Thousandwords, I've been wondering about you, from an outsider you are doing great taking care of yourself. That is where the focus needs to stay.
When I start taking the focus off my needs is when I struggle. I start wondering if I should make this big change but I'm making the big change because he hasn't made a change. My H has the same personality. That personality is not healthy to my happiness. It's his issues. He will have to identify, own and feel compelled to change.
I need to have a life that creates happiness for me and my children.
When I start taking the focus off my needs is when I struggle. I start wondering if I should make this big change but I'm making the big change because he hasn't made a change. My H has the same personality. That personality is not healthy to my happiness. It's his issues. He will have to identify, own and feel compelled to change.
I need to have a life that creates happiness for me and my children.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
TW - It seems to me that by you trying to figure out exactly the right way to "be supportive", and exactly at the right time, but not too much to be "controlling" is really you jumping through a lot of hoops to follow an arbitrary set of rules being laid out for you. How is that helping *you*?
You sound like you've got really good boundaries in place, as others have said. Your AH doesn't like them. That doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. He doesn't get to tell you what your boundaries are or how to enforce them.
I think you're on the right track. Continue to work on yourself. As you stated, it's easy to see the clarity of other's situations, but so difficult to see our own.
Take care of *you* first!
You sound like you've got really good boundaries in place, as others have said. Your AH doesn't like them. That doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. He doesn't get to tell you what your boundaries are or how to enforce them.
I think you're on the right track. Continue to work on yourself. As you stated, it's easy to see the clarity of other's situations, but so difficult to see our own.
Take care of *you* first!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think it sounds like a lot of normal for that In-Between place you are in right now...... and SMART to realize how important time & space apart is for 2 people in recovery. *I* needed that space to uncover my real emotions & learn how to feel & express them without a judging audience. RAH was a Ping-Pong ball of unpredictability in early recovery & my patience for it was exhausted by then. I wasn't feeling supportive when I needed SO much support myself.
We were not in any position to provide any real support for one another anyway & I'm sure that's a big factor for a lot of couples. By the time we started our respective recoveries, we were in crisis individually & as a couple even if we didn't see it quite that clearly. It's along the lines of how you "can't pour from an empty cup".... in terms of "us", the cup had been empty, chipped, re-glued, etc.
Simple but not easy, for sure. We may have been facing the same problems, but we needed very different solutions. Hang in there 1000words - keep focusing on those baby steps/next right thing & before you realize it, you'll notice you've been walking along a path this whole time.
We were not in any position to provide any real support for one another anyway & I'm sure that's a big factor for a lot of couples. By the time we started our respective recoveries, we were in crisis individually & as a couple even if we didn't see it quite that clearly. It's along the lines of how you "can't pour from an empty cup".... in terms of "us", the cup had been empty, chipped, re-glued, etc.
Simple but not easy, for sure. We may have been facing the same problems, but we needed very different solutions. Hang in there 1000words - keep focusing on those baby steps/next right thing & before you realize it, you'll notice you've been walking along a path this whole time.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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An alcoholic is in a relationship. He sobers up and now he thinks he's owed something for sobering up (not in recovery, just plug in the jug):
Can't she see I'm sober? What else do I have to do? I should have everything I want and be treated much better than I am now that I'm sober. Who does she think she is? Look at all I've done for you by quitting drinking! You owe me! Blah blah blah.
Don't fall for it.
Being sober is not the same as a healthy active ongoing recovery. And what you're seeing isn't it.
Can't she see I'm sober? What else do I have to do? I should have everything I want and be treated much better than I am now that I'm sober. Who does she think she is? Look at all I've done for you by quitting drinking! You owe me! Blah blah blah.
Don't fall for it.
Being sober is not the same as a healthy active ongoing recovery. And what you're seeing isn't it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by NewRomanMan
An alcoholic is in a relationship. He sobers up and now he thinks he's owed something for sobering up (not in recovery, just plug in the jug):
Can't she see I'm sober? What else do I have to do? I should have everything I want and be treated much better than I am now that I'm sober. Who does she think she is? Look at all I've done for you by quitting drinking! You owe me! Blah blah blah.
Don't fall for it.
Being sober is not the same as a healthy active ongoing recovery. And what you're seeing isn't it.
Can't she see I'm sober? What else do I have to do? I should have everything I want and be treated much better than I am now that I'm sober. Who does she think she is? Look at all I've done for you by quitting drinking! You owe me! Blah blah blah.
Don't fall for it.
Being sober is not the same as a healthy active ongoing recovery. And what you're seeing isn't it.
for me. Thank you so much for writing this.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Originally Posted by TimeForMe
Holy moly, were you in my living room listening to XAH when he got back from rehab??? This is literally the conversation we had for YEARS before I left. I have been blaming myself for not being more open and forgiving when he got back. This is a for me. Thank you so much for writing this.
for me. Thank you so much for writing this.Member
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
I have read all of your replies, thank you so much.
You all made me feel better, that I AM doing something...moving forward...making progress and working towards recovery in the right way. I feel like I am at a stand still at times and I get frustrated.
NRM: "He sobers up and now he thinks he's owed something for sobering up"
This so much. Sobering up is easy for him, when it benefits him. Yes he is white knuckling it and not doing it for the right reasons, but he can flip that switch like nothing...which really tells me being an alcoholic is just part of the picture. He will always be who he always has been. Sure, many lovable and positive qualities but he will never be the partner that I need for longevity. Only when it suits him will things go smoothly. It actually angers me that he was able to quit just like that. How dare he chose when to stop and start this nonsense? He didn't care any other day or week or month when his actions affected his family. It's when it negatively effects him-that's then he makes a change. That's just who he is.
I am better when I am away from him and that is the truth. I can let my personality shine, pursue goals and grow and excel without worrying about his reaction or comfort level or feeling guilt because he can't emotionally "hang".
We are not healthy being together and that is a simple fact.
You all made me feel better, that I AM doing something...moving forward...making progress and working towards recovery in the right way. I feel like I am at a stand still at times and I get frustrated.
NRM: "He sobers up and now he thinks he's owed something for sobering up"
This so much. Sobering up is easy for him, when it benefits him. Yes he is white knuckling it and not doing it for the right reasons, but he can flip that switch like nothing...which really tells me being an alcoholic is just part of the picture. He will always be who he always has been. Sure, many lovable and positive qualities but he will never be the partner that I need for longevity. Only when it suits him will things go smoothly. It actually angers me that he was able to quit just like that. How dare he chose when to stop and start this nonsense? He didn't care any other day or week or month when his actions affected his family. It's when it negatively effects him-that's then he makes a change. That's just who he is.
I am better when I am away from him and that is the truth. I can let my personality shine, pursue goals and grow and excel without worrying about his reaction or comfort level or feeling guilt because he can't emotionally "hang".
We are not healthy being together and that is a simple fact.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Posts: 420
Things will get better, thousandwords. It always smarts when we realize the truth of a given situation. I know it did for me, anyway. Still does, but at least I'm working on me. That's all any of us can really do, I suppose.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds like what he needs is a puppy.....someone who WILL race to the door EVERY DAY, excited to see him, and give him loyalty and attention, and piddle on his leg.
the puppy will also be a good listener and never talk back.
the puppy will also be a good listener and never talk back.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It does not sound to me like he is embracing recovery at all. More like just embracing the hopes that you will stay with him, so he is trying to be his best, which honestly does not sound so great.
You deserve a partner. What he is describing by way of you did not keep him in check...that's what moms do. Last time I checked he is not your child.
I think you are here b/c in your gut you know it's not right. I say stick with working on YOU, and eventually you will be strong enough to do the right thing.
You deserve a partner. What he is describing by way of you did not keep him in check...that's what moms do. Last time I checked he is not your child.
I think you are here b/c in your gut you know it's not right. I say stick with working on YOU, and eventually you will be strong enough to do the right thing.
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