I think I need some help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
I think I need some help
I'm Milly and I'm on day 12. I really had a struggle with the acute withdrawal process, but thankfully I think I'm mostly over the hump.
But I have some immediate concerns that I could use some help with.
First I've been quite private with my attempts to become sober. I tapered off alcohol for a few months (through the holidays) and am fully committed to 100% sobriety now. But I can't tell my hubby. Luckily he's been traveling during the week for work so I only see him on weekends (which is good).
The thing is that my H has some real troubles of his own. Some demons to fight. He has a new therapist now (brand new). He is diagnosed with Narcissitic Personality Disorder and has high scores on the Antisocial scale. He is passive aggressive to his very core. So this means that I must keep anything important to me to myself, or he'll uses it against me. Like I'm concerned he will try to get me to drink simply because I don't want to drink . . . he'd buy my favorite wine and act like he thought I asked him too . . . he would order me a drink if we were out to eat . . . he may go so far as to secretly add booze to my virgin drink when I wasn't looking. Perhaps he wouldn't do these things, but living with this type of personality always keeps you on edge . . . you never know how far they will go if they feel threatened (and he will feel threatened if I'm trying to do something positive for myself - like giving up booze.)
And then there's the added just normal pressures of living with this type of personality . . . just the everyday invalidations, etc . . .
Of course this has a lot to do with my 15+ year problem with alcohol.
Secondly, I'm hosting a fairly large wedding shower this weekend at a club where I belong. I've already ordered two cases of champagne. There is a chance the group will also want me to open the full bar for them. Ug! I've hired a bartender so I won't be the one actually pouring any drinks . . . but . . . I'll have to be really vigilant on Saturday. I may need help with this. I may need your wisdom and support to get through this.
The facts are: I'm not going to divorce my H this week or within the next month . . . I can't get out of hosting this party this weekend . . . so I need to get through this.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking or hoping for. I just want to share because I have no where else to ask for support or advice.
But I have some immediate concerns that I could use some help with.
First I've been quite private with my attempts to become sober. I tapered off alcohol for a few months (through the holidays) and am fully committed to 100% sobriety now. But I can't tell my hubby. Luckily he's been traveling during the week for work so I only see him on weekends (which is good).
The thing is that my H has some real troubles of his own. Some demons to fight. He has a new therapist now (brand new). He is diagnosed with Narcissitic Personality Disorder and has high scores on the Antisocial scale. He is passive aggressive to his very core. So this means that I must keep anything important to me to myself, or he'll uses it against me. Like I'm concerned he will try to get me to drink simply because I don't want to drink . . . he'd buy my favorite wine and act like he thought I asked him too . . . he would order me a drink if we were out to eat . . . he may go so far as to secretly add booze to my virgin drink when I wasn't looking. Perhaps he wouldn't do these things, but living with this type of personality always keeps you on edge . . . you never know how far they will go if they feel threatened (and he will feel threatened if I'm trying to do something positive for myself - like giving up booze.)
And then there's the added just normal pressures of living with this type of personality . . . just the everyday invalidations, etc . . .
Of course this has a lot to do with my 15+ year problem with alcohol.
Secondly, I'm hosting a fairly large wedding shower this weekend at a club where I belong. I've already ordered two cases of champagne. There is a chance the group will also want me to open the full bar for them. Ug! I've hired a bartender so I won't be the one actually pouring any drinks . . . but . . . I'll have to be really vigilant on Saturday. I may need help with this. I may need your wisdom and support to get through this.
The facts are: I'm not going to divorce my H this week or within the next month . . . I can't get out of hosting this party this weekend . . . so I need to get through this.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking or hoping for. I just want to share because I have no where else to ask for support or advice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 974
If you are hosting it, chances are you'll be fairly busy and nobody will notice that you're not drinking. If you don't want to advertise it have some watered down cranberry juice with lime and there is your vodka cranberry. I understand you wanting to keep things private. This may not be the most honest way to handle it, but this early in sobriety who cares if it's what's best for you.
I am sorry about your H. My ex had those tendencies as well. I have learned that I can't avoid all situations with alcohol, but if I am prepared with a solid plan going into it, I'm usually fine. I wasn't a big social drinker though. I could control it socially, just not at home.
I am sorry about your H. My ex had those tendencies as well. I have learned that I can't avoid all situations with alcohol, but if I am prepared with a solid plan going into it, I'm usually fine. I wasn't a big social drinker though. I could control it socially, just not at home.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 924
Hi Milly,
Lovely to meet you and congratulations on your sober time, that's fantastic.
With regards, to your current two dilemmas you probably know better than anyone what to do.
If someone you loved dearly had confided in you, and told you what you've just written, what would you advise that friend to do?
I used the quotation below a lot in my early sober days when I struggled a lot. If you were to do likewise, you'd probably decide to leave H and find an excuse not to attend your friends bash.
Good luck to you, I wish all the best. :-)
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Lovely to meet you and congratulations on your sober time, that's fantastic.
With regards, to your current two dilemmas you probably know better than anyone what to do.
If someone you loved dearly had confided in you, and told you what you've just written, what would you advise that friend to do?
I used the quotation below a lot in my early sober days when I struggled a lot. If you were to do likewise, you'd probably decide to leave H and find an excuse not to attend your friends bash.
Good luck to you, I wish all the best. :-)
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rupert ID
Posts: 469
Best wishes from me and I may not have the best advice but whatever you do, you must not drink, no matter what the circumstances and this must be because you must put your own physical and mental health as priority #1. Whatever your other obligations are to husband, family, friends, work, you can't meet any of them, if you go back to drinking. YOU are the priority right now. Big hug and prayer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
Thanks for the quick replies and the understanding.
I'm not the least concerned about what someone else thinks about my non-drinking. So it's not that. It's that I purchased $600 worth of champagne that I need not to drink (no matter how much I want to). Honestly if I end up opening the bar, that won't bother me. There is nothing there as tempting as champagne.
And I'm not just attending the shower, I'm hosting it which requires my presence. As the responsible club member I must be present at all times.
I'm just thinking I might need to make myself a "safe place" to go in the basement (it's a nice basement) or something. I have until Saturday to come up with some sort of plan to handle this.
I'm not the least concerned about what someone else thinks about my non-drinking. So it's not that. It's that I purchased $600 worth of champagne that I need not to drink (no matter how much I want to). Honestly if I end up opening the bar, that won't bother me. There is nothing there as tempting as champagne.
And I'm not just attending the shower, I'm hosting it which requires my presence. As the responsible club member I must be present at all times.
I'm just thinking I might need to make myself a "safe place" to go in the basement (it's a nice basement) or something. I have until Saturday to come up with some sort of plan to handle this.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Hi and congratulations on Day 12 of your sobriety.
During my early recovery, I could not have hosted a party like you're planning and stayed sober. So, I have no advice. I had to stay away from situations where people were drinking for many months.
I have experience with a Narcissistic and PA person in my immediate family. I believe there is very little hope of a PA person to change unless he is strongly motivated to do so. I hope that you can find some peace in your life.
During my early recovery, I could not have hosted a party like you're planning and stayed sober. So, I have no advice. I had to stay away from situations where people were drinking for many months.
I have experience with a Narcissistic and PA person in my immediate family. I believe there is very little hope of a PA person to change unless he is strongly motivated to do so. I hope that you can find some peace in your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Not everyone could do a sober hostess task like this, but I don't believe it is necessarily impossible. YOU must believe you can do it...be resolved and plan how to stay on your feet circulating and directing the whole time.
If it were me, I would not try to look like I am drinking. I would say that as the responsible club member you are the equivalent of a club employee or a designated driver and so for that event only, you only want to facilitate the festivities.
For the sake of others who may be in recovery or wanting to be...not you...there are bound to be others...won't there be fancy virgin drinks and lovely bottled waters and juices? You could let people know if they ask that you want everyone to feel comfortable imbibing or not, so you have plenty of available choices.
Keep clearly in mind how spectacularly sick you were during withdrawal. Hope you took a selfie you could look at on your phone now and again.
If it were me, I would not try to look like I am drinking. I would say that as the responsible club member you are the equivalent of a club employee or a designated driver and so for that event only, you only want to facilitate the festivities.
For the sake of others who may be in recovery or wanting to be...not you...there are bound to be others...won't there be fancy virgin drinks and lovely bottled waters and juices? You could let people know if they ask that you want everyone to feel comfortable imbibing or not, so you have plenty of available choices.
Keep clearly in mind how spectacularly sick you were during withdrawal. Hope you took a selfie you could look at on your phone now and again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
Thanks for the replies. You guys have given me a lot to consider. I have another day to set my mind before this event.
Bixbees- You have some very good thoughts. Thanks for taking the time to reply. You are right, I have to go into this KNOWING without a doubt I can do this. And you are right that I need to have fancy NA drinks. I will work at that tomorrow.
The withdrawal I just went through (still going through?) is absolutely at the front of my mind. How could it not be? I've been so miserable.
Originally Posted by BixBees505 
Not everyone could do a sober hostess task like this, but I don't believe it is necessarily impossible. YOU must believe you can do it...be resolved and plan how to stay on your feet circulating and directing the whole time.
If it were me, I would not try to look like I am drinking. I would say that as the responsible club member you are the equivalent of a club employee or a designated driver and so for that event only, you only want to facilitate the festivities.
For the sake of others who may be in recovery or wanting to be...not you...there are bound to be others...won't there be fancy virgin drinks and lovely bottled waters and juices? You could let people know if they ask that you want everyone to feel comfortable imbibing or not, so you have plenty of available choices.
Keep clearly in mind how spectacularly sick you were during withdrawal. Hope you took a selfie you could look at on your phone now and again.
If it were me, I would not try to look like I am drinking. I would say that as the responsible club member you are the equivalent of a club employee or a designated driver and so for that event only, you only want to facilitate the festivities.
For the sake of others who may be in recovery or wanting to be...not you...there are bound to be others...won't there be fancy virgin drinks and lovely bottled waters and juices? You could let people know if they ask that you want everyone to feel comfortable imbibing or not, so you have plenty of available choices.
Keep clearly in mind how spectacularly sick you were during withdrawal. Hope you took a selfie you could look at on your phone now and again.
The withdrawal I just went through (still going through?) is absolutely at the front of my mind. How could it not be? I've been so miserable.
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