Behappy1

I have been drinking again. Started just at night and ended up on a 3 day bender. My family hates me yet again. I just do not know what to do to stop this. I am not drinking right now, though I would if I had my keys. How ridiculous and pathetic is it that a 46 year old woman has her keys taken away by her dad. I can do many things and have succeeded at so many things in my life. This not drinking is by far the hardest thing I have not yet accomplished.

radrag86

If you are trying to get sober alone. Maybe you might want to try AA or counseling. Sometimes it is better to talk to folks that are not so close to you. But I won't kid you, it (sobriety) is hard, but doable. Try to live one day at a time, it is a start, and in the beginning it feels like a very lonely journey. Hang in there.

NewRomanMan

I agree with radrag. It helps a lot to have some kind of support system to help you quit. I'm not saying it can't be done alone, but being with others trying to accomplish the same thing helps quite a bit. If you're adverse to AA for whatever reason, there are plenty of non 12 step programs out there that can help you make a start. It can be done. I'm living proof.

doggonecarl

I did a quick glance through your previous posts and can't find what it is you are doing to support your decision not to drink. Did I miss it?

If what you are doing isn't working, it's time to bolster your plan with new techniques/strategies. And you aren't doing anything, well....

Recovery is kind of like learning a language. Some of us can learn it on our own.

Some of us need a classroom.

The rooms of AA are the classrooms for recovery.

If you are really serious about getting and staying sober, please do what it takes for your recovery to be successful.

Midwest1981

sorry to hear that. It is a hard pattern to break but it definitely can be done. I hope you find a plan that works for you. Hang in there!!

Anna

Hi Behappy, You are not alone. Most of us have felt that we couldn't stop drinking too. But, we did, and you can, too. In time, you can earn back the trust of your family.

ScottFromWI

Sometimes it's not about trying harder but about trying something different Behappy. I'm glad you came back, have you considered trying something you've never tried before? There's meetings, therapy, detox, rehab, reading, meditation, all kinds of different ways to move forward. I would agree that it's very hard...but pretty much anything that's worthwhile in life is not easy to obtain. Stick around!

Behappy1

Thank you for making me feel not so alone. I appreciate the kind words. I was doing so well until that one drink. Thanks for listening.

noneever

Can you give AA a try? I was terrified and ashamed to go to my first meeting but once there I've really realised that I'm not alone and that being sober is possible.

Behappy1

I may revisit AA. I am out in the middle of nowhere. I have fought AA tooth and nail. I am from a very small town and people like to talk. I guess up until this point I'd rather suffer in silence than be faced with the fact that I'm an alcoholic and have that be publically known.

Grymt

I also live in a small outback town. I find that saying I don't drink and if I do my life becomes unmanageable easy to say and easy it seems for people to understand. I only say I'm an alcoholic to alcoholics and close friends.

Dee74

Hi behappy - welcome back

my inner addict loved to say that too...don't change anything, you're doing great, just try harder...!!!

it would snigger knowing that the same fault in my plan that led me to drink this time meant I'd end up back at this point again sooner or later.

My advice is do something different this time - add some stuff...find more support, make any changes you need to make in your life to support you staying sober...

expend some effort - fight for your recovery

There are some great ideas on plans here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

Hevyn

Behappy - you are never alone. I drank 30 yrs. & in the end it was every day. I got free of it & you can too. It took me many tries to admit I couldn't have even one drop. Willpower doesn't work where alcohol is concerned - there's never just one drink for us. I think AA is worth a try. You sound ready to do this - we know you can.

Behappy1

No real solid plan. Just not drinking. I was fine for several months and then started drinking at night after the kids went to bed until this last 3 day bender. I have been to a few AA and CR meetings but nothing regular. I think it's time to revisit that. I have also been taking Niacin, but had slacked off of that as well.

milly4me

Behappy - I'm so sorry you are struggling. I'm too new at this myself to have any useful advice, but I want you to know you are definitely not alone. ((hugs))

heartcore

My favorite way to drink was completely alone. I could live in a remote cabin or in a vital city. I drank at home & alone 80% of the time (I actually think that's why doing social stuff sober feels easy to me - because I did all the "outside" stuff sober even when I was drinking).

I drank at home because a) I actually love my own company & love reading & writing & painting - whether drinking or sober. But mostly b) I had promised myself to never-ever drive drunk. I met a woman when I was very young & first in recovery who had run someone over & killed them driving drunk, & it was the one rule I truly honored.

So. Alone.

I say that because when I considered returning to AA over the years I resisted because I did not want to publicly identify as an alcoholic - whether in teeny town or giant city. I was prideful.

Now I look back and it actually makes me laugh out loud (I am snickering to myself as I write). Nobody frigging cared, because barely anyone even knew me!!! I was contained in my house, drunkenly not driving most nights of the week!!

I was invisible. I was not part of my community. There was no one to gossip that they saw me scuttle into a church basement for an AA meeting, because except for work & a small community of old friends, in the periods I am not-sober - am a drinker - I am not part of any community & nobody even cares enough about me to notice!

This was a revelation. I have more community contacts when I am going to 12 step meetings than I could have dreamed of in those many nights in my kitchen drinking wine. Now people care and comment when I disappear from meetings!

I had it backwards.

Behappy1

Thank you all. I have located a celebrate recovery meeting tomorrow night. I have to do something before this spirals out of control again. I have always been "anti meetings" for myself, but I'll give them a try again.

Lisas79

Good luck on your road to recovery, from my understand the only thing that works for us is taking to other alcoholics. I hope things get better soon, hang in there and please
take it one day at a time.

Berrybean

If that's really true then you willknow of all the folk that go to AA because it's public knowledge. Why not reach out to one of those people for a chat.

If, actually, you don't know who goes there, then it's time to acknowledge that as a yarn spun to you by your addiction. Pure addict rationalisation about why something won't work without giving it a try first. If you go to an open meeting first off one of your long-suffering family could even accompany you.

It's funny though, I remember that all consuming fear of being seen walking (sober) in or out of an AA meeting, yet when I was drinking I didn't seem to really give 2 hoots who saw me stumble-bumming about in the street, or even falling over. Chances are that people who are close to you will realise something isn't right with your relationship with alcohol, and the people who aren't close really won't care so much.

We apart getting better when we find the willingness to make changes. If nothing changes, why should anything change? If we want to get better, we have to DO better. And no one can do the do for us. No matter how well-meaning they are. The good news is that there are plenty of folk around who have walked this path before us, and are willing to help us navigate it, and stick to it on the stormy days.

Your parents may separate you from alcohol, but they can't seperate you from the alcoholism. That alcoholic thinking and perspective is intrinsic, and that is what leads us to take the first drink. Because (unless we work on changing it through a recovery program, or our own plan of action - see link) life is a very very painful experience with that thinking and perspective. If you look at the 12-steps of AA you'll notice that only the first step even mentions alcohol. All the others focus entirely on how we can move forward, and live comfortably by altering out thinking and perspective.

I suppose you just have to decide for yourself. How much do you want to get better? To learn to love yourself and enjoy life. To learn to deal with life on life's terms without the compulsion to drink hounding you? When you want it enough, then you will find the willingness. But no one can do this for you, no matter how much they love you or want to. Nothing will change while you sit in your room. Willingness + Action = Recovery

Wishing you all the best as you search for the will in essence and find courage to take action. BB

PS http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

Behappy1

I didn't sleep worth crap last night. Sweats, heart beating out of my chest. I had a lot of time to think. When things WERE working for me, they included healthy eating, supplements (specifically niacin and amino acids), devotionals every morning, church on Sundays, reading here every day, meditation, binaural beats for addiction, exercise, a form of AVRT though I was never hard core in AVRT. One by one these all fell by the wayside as I gained confidence in my sobriety. Av crept in here and there and I had several one nighter drinking sessions sprinkled throughout. I made it through the holidays sober and about 2 weeks ago I was back to drinking every night or every other.

My point is somewhere along the lines I let my defenses down. Didn't do the devotionals as often, couldn't go to church due to my daughters Sunday 10 am soccer games and my life went to the way it was a year ago when I was drinking every single day.

I have been to CR, AA and smart meetings. But to be honest I never gave it a chance. I was simply mortified to be at those meetings. I am going to give CR another shot - hopefully tonight. If I don't go tonight it will be in the very near future. My son has practice and my daughter has driving school so not sure I can juggle all of that.

I came here yesterday ashamed, guilt ridden, just not even sure I wanted to even try anymore. I woke up today still feeling all of that, but also hopeful and I have my fighting spirit back. I continue to be amazed at just how powerful this addiction is. I have done so many things that show tremendous strength, but this is not one of them. I cannot believe how it has controlled my life or how I've allowed it too. Thank you all for being there during some very dark times.