TobeC

Many of you know, I'm both the child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic myself. Been married 27 years and have five kids all above 15. I've been focused on my recovery and giving my wife the space she needs for her recovery. She has not once in 10 months given me any indication that she wants to work on us. She lives in one part of our home and I live in the other. Every so often I get a hug and a quick kiss goodbye but that's about it. I have said that I want to grow together during this journey but I am kept at arms length most of the time. I definitely don't push her in either direction but the limbo has been tough. She doesn't wear her wedding rings anymore but acts most of the time like I'm her buddy without intimacy. She is also very weird about her privacy but I respect her wishes and don't pry at all. She's hyper protective about her iPad and texting but she says there is not other guy and she's deciding whether she wants to be alone or partnered with he. Okay.

In November last year we hit our 27 years of marriage and I was told to not post anything on Facebook which I complied with. I bought her a very heartfelt card and put it in her car before she went to work and did get a text that she thought it was dear. I got nothing in return. No big deal. Well, Valentine's Day was yesterday and she got me heart shaped Reese's cups and I thanked her. Last night while I was at a meeting she complained to my 15 year old that no one did anything for her on VD. I lover her but I feel like I can't win and have no idea how long this is going to last. I'd like to really start living again and miss human contact.

heartcore

I know we are only to speak our own experience here & not advise; I have not been in such a long term relationship, so do not feel fully qualified to respond, but, am compelled to contribute this impression:

We might only get this life. We are all entitled to joy & excitement & passion. You are & she is. Both.

Young adults are intuitive & well aware of the energies of their parents. I have raised 2 children who are now in their late 20s, & though some part of them would have liked an intact & traditional family, I divorced their father many years ago - not because he was not a wonderful man, but because neither of us felt happiness inside our pairing.

Both of my adult children have told me that - difficult as the teaching was - I taught them something really important - that it is ok to leave a comfortable situation to seek joy.

I have not found constant happiness, after that brave leaving, but have had many happinesses. I still sometimes wonder if I should have chosen familiarity & comfort over exploration of my life potentials. I have been deeply lonely at times. But I discovered a subtle difference between being lonely at the service of a self-generated dream & being lonely inside a relationship which was, well, done.

I'm hoping folks will chime in who are in life-long relationships, moved through disconnected & fallow times, & rebuilt.

My contribution is only to say that sometimes you are called to leave a fully realized & finished relationship, & I don't know what happens if you ignore that call. I followed it, & cannot imagine my life any other way. My ex-husband evolved into a life-long friend & co-parent (I did not lose the things I valued most in him). And I have had so many adventures, growings, love experiences, & challenges since that I would be an entirely different person if I hadn't bravely spoken the unspeakable - which was that we had grown so distant it made more sense to commit to the friendship & co-parenting, & release the romantic part for each other.

Just one of many experiences. I think you have lots of choices as to how to approach this...

dandylion

TobeC.....Dude, it is just smart to get your female partner some flowers (or something) on Valentine's Day. (never mind that it is an extraneous holiday). It is just the smart thing to do, in this western culture.
I do get it that one might not want something plastered over facebook, when you all are going through difficult times...but, flowers are just between you two. Since she is still o.k. with giving a kiss and a hug....flowers don't seem to "pushy", to me.

That is just a sidebar, from me...just keep it for future reference...lol.....

On the main issue....How is your communication with her? Could you two share your feelings, at this point, about what you want, going forward? Sort of like an interim report....
the most commonly used word among marriage counselors is "communication".
10 months is a relatively short time in terms of recovery...as, I assume that there has been pleanty of water under the bridge, to get to this point....

I really don't feel like I can comment much further, as there are so many unknown variables....
It does sound like she has detached to a certain degree...with not wearing the rings and living in separate sections of the house.....
Have you even asked her if she would be willing to attend marriage coounseling with you?

***there is a book that has been popular for a long time...."The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.....sort of a classic, by now...
You might want to give it a read (easy to read). People do show their love and caring in different ways. It is just very helpful info, to have....

heartcore

Dandylion - the love language book taught me so many things! Excellent recommendation! I read it years ago & still remember the learnings. One of the most helpful relationship books ever.
(As was the advisement to present flowers in all unclarified situations! Always wise!).
Look at you, brimming with kick-ass advice at dawn!
I had insomnia last night, but apparently you woke all fresh & centered...lol
Drinking coffee now...trying to catch up!

Sotiredofitall

I'm probably your wife in this story. I am still with my qualifier after 38 years of marriage. He is newly sober (about 6 months). We are still more room-mates than we are married. Part of my issue is trust. I feel his new found sobriety is too tenuous to rebuild a relationship at this point. Will I ever find a time when I want the rest of the relationship? I don't know. So much has happened in the last 25 years, that I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure I can ever trust that he will remain sober and I sure as hell won't stay if he falls off this wagon again. He is so much better and working hard to hold on to his sobriety. Right now I stay. After nearly 40 years of drinking, its nice to be able to relax a bit. But my guards are strong and high so not sure about anything else at this time.
All I can say is it will take as long as it takes. For my husband and perhaps you, to think it will suddenly be all flowers and roses isn't too realistic. Keep working on you.....time will reveal more.

hopeful4

This is a hard one.

First of all, I commend you on your sobriety! That is the best thing you can do for YOURSELF, and your children. Wonderful stuff, keep up the hard work.

You mentioned in your post that she is still deciding her path for the future. Thing is, I get that. I am betting you were an alcoholic for more than 10 months. It takes a long time to earn back that trust. And for her, I am sure she has to be certain that she can live with the reality that anyone can relapse, even after years. It's really hard to be able to trust someone in that way again.

The remedy would be time. I personally think Valentines Day is a stupid holiday. I have always thought that, even when I was married. However, if you are married, or even vaguely in a relationship, our culture forces you to participate. That's the reality.

I normally don't recommend marriage counseling with an addict, however you are in recovery and have been for a while. You are obviously quite vested in the relationship and your own recovery. Have you thought of seeing a counselor with your wife who specializes in helping families deal with addiction issues? I did this myself (my x husband was not in recovery so there was no point). It helped me come out on the other side and realize that no matter what happened I would be ok and my kids would too.

I hope this helps at all. Again, I congratulate you on doing the best thing you could have ever done for yourself, recover.

hearthealth

My husband stated I was quiet yesterday. I made small gestures but he made little gestures. I was waiting for some kind of action from him and felt I had to reciprocate action for action. He did want to treat the *family* to dinner but no longer knows what I like in the way of a restaurant.
Maybe spending some time getting to know her again. Making more effort then she is to date her without being pushy. Maybe it would help if both of you are still trying to deciding.

qtpi

Your wife is still there. Give her some privacy so she can work out her feelings. I resented that my XAH snooped and made it impossible for me to keep a diary. It helps to journal, so I password protected a diary on my laptop.

My XAH announced for the first time in over 35 years he was going to stop drinking- without AA or rehab- and refused to toss out the booze- and then he expected I would go right back to bed with him.

The six weeks I stayed after that, I was pressured every time I saw him for sex.

I was in denial before the incidents of 2016. I believed my XAH loved me. I had a complete rebooting of my reality. Now I think, he has always been an alcoholic and the bottle is his true love. He enjoyed sex with me and wanted to keep his sex partner. That may sound harsh and unpleasant.

IF he loved me and understood me well enough to know about my needs, I don't think he would have pressured me for sex when I kept turning him down. I had a need to rebalance things in my head, to feel safe, to feel loved, to be respected. Instead I felt like a commodity, like a plastic doll.

schnappi99

I'm in a similar position tobec. Its tricky to talk about because I did a lot of my own damage to physical/emotional/spiritual intimacy with her by way of constantly pushing for it, manipulating, demanding- trying for my "fix". Recovery for me means letting her be in her space as she wishes to be. She isolates a lot from me and our daughter, knitting and facebook are primarily. Sometimes she'll be with us in the same room, but still theres the knitting and the laptop and not much else. She takes out the trash, I cook for my daughter and I, do the dishes, my laundry and most of the daughter's, I handle all the homework, school lunches, most bus stop duty- my wife chooses to not get involved. I don't try to push her away and welcome & thank her for the things she does but I won't push her to participate as I have done in the past. I work as rigorous an Alanon program as I can, as well as my chosen spiritual practice, she does not have recovery or spiritual practices that have noticable logistical footprints but I am not pursuing that either... the name of the game now is to let her be the way she needs to be.

I occasionally share generalities about program & recovery things, interesting quotes etc, she usually just lets all that go by or goes deer-in-headlight (rare at this point). Her conversation is usually work minutae or political headlines. I do try to participate in those conversations at least to demonstrate interest in whats going on etc but she shows no little/no interest in greater involvement than that.

We occasionally have family meals, sometimes she cooks other times we all help. Generally after the meal she leaves the dishes for me and goes off back to the sunroom by herself. Usually she'll come to bed well after our daughter and I are asleep, often she sleeps in her clothes.

She definitely suffers from depression, fear and anxiety as well shown by a spell of unemployment last year. She is on medication which I'm thankful for, and is employed and doing pretty well on the basis of her mood. I'm grateful for the peaceful family life we have compared to the very painful situation a few years ago, but it makes me sad. I can look at photos of her from 10-15 years ago and its as if the light is gone from her. I don't want to overdramatize that... she does laugh sometimes, we all enjoy our cats etc but that spontaneous fun person I married is hidden away... she has also taken up vaping and she hits that like an addict, not with the huge clouds, but gotta have those morning & evening hits in the bathroom, and in the car when she's by herself. No exercise outside of light gardening, no dentist/doc visits... so I worry.

OTOH she did ask for a bicycle over xmas which I found her a reasonable one- I hope she'll join me and our daughter in the spring. Things are always changing, maybe things with her will too at some point.

schnappi99

A final point (edit timed out)- sorry to keep going on, but I certainly am not blaming her for this stuff or trying to keep score, the marriage feels kind of hollow to me but I'm grateful its not in ruins with all the fighting and drama. I do love her and intend to stay... it makes my skin crawl when my imagination starts presenting alternative fantasy, and I realize how tacky some of that behavior would actually be.

firebolt

Just like she didn't have any control of if and when you stopped drinking, you don't have any control of if and when she warms up to you again.

In both cases, you deserve a peaceful, happy life that is of your own making.

Seems like there are 3 options -

Keep on with the status quo - it is what it is TODAY, and acceptance of it would be the only way to move forward with some peace of mind.

Work towards amicable divorce, and start building the life you want.

If she's on board, commit to rebuilding the relationship together. Counseling seems like it would really be in order for this option.

That's exactly what it feels like to love an active alcoholic. It is difficult to trust that someone will be sober and life won't revert back to how it was during active addiction. I can imagine the thought of dealing with damage done on both sides in the past to repair the future is overwhelming, on both of your accounts.

I hope you keep doing what you're doing - getting support for yourself, focusing on your sobriety - you'll get some clarity eventually. I also hope she gets / has support for herself too - Alanon, counseling etc.

AnvilheadII

perhaps it's time to TALK TO her? openly and honestly.

second guessing and mind reading never works out.

while 10 months is still fairly young recovery, it's certainly enough time for some of the fog to lift and for you both to have time reassess.

maia1234

TobeC,
I agree this is tough. You see all the pain, anger, resentment, we feel on theis forum. We are stripped down to nothing. I was not so lucky to have my addict of 34 years reach any time of recovery. But speaking for myself I can see how "base line, flat" you can become.

It is so mentally and physically draining, that she has "nothing" left to give, she is exhausted. A codie is always waiting for the next fire to put out. Its just the price to pay with an addict.

In my mind, she has not "kicked" you out yet. That means that there is something left. Words do not show who a person really is, their actions do. Kind gestures, be thoughtful, respectful, offering to help, but not to the point of being overbearing. Its like in AA, we give it up to God and let him direct us.

Stay sober my friend, your potential is endless!!

TobeC

First, I have no words to describe you guys and the words of encouragement. Other than wow and thank you! There's more to the story. She is the daughter of an alcoholic and her parents divorced when she was in the eighth grade. Her childhood wasn't great. It was largely a childhood of blame and emotionless parenting. Her older sister is an addict and divorced three times. Two younger sisters are also divorced so there are some unresolved issues with her childhood. She turned 50 in September and a couple of kids left the house to start their lives. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer in early 2016 and went through chemo so she's dealt with a lot. Then there is my nightly drinking habit that I addressed but I think the combination of dealing with me and a pretty epic midlife crisis caused her to snap. I'm just trying to be supportive and focus on me, the kids and my job. I hope I'm not devoid of emotion when or if the fog lifts. Ugh.

firebolt

You are doing the right things. Keep moving forward! It won't be this way forever. Sending you peace, strength and clarity!

hopeful4

Wow, she has went through the wringer.

I agree. Keep being there, keep working on you, keep doing things for the kids, and keep moving forward.

You are doing great!