Axbf seeing other people
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
Axbf seeing other people
Hi all,
I'm really struggling because I am pretty sure that my axbf is seeing/sleeping with other people based on some comments he made. The story I always got after our breakup (6 months ago) was that we were taking time to work on ourselves with the hopes of eventually getting back together. I'm holding up my end and am in AlAnon, ACA, and seeing a therapist. He is still drinking. We have very limited contact at this point but I still had hope. I know it should be easy to let go but it's killing me that he's moving on with other people.
I would love some words of encouragement and support. It's been helpful to read about the alcoholic's brain and how it doesn't make sense to us.
I'm really struggling because I am pretty sure that my axbf is seeing/sleeping with other people based on some comments he made. The story I always got after our breakup (6 months ago) was that we were taking time to work on ourselves with the hopes of eventually getting back together. I'm holding up my end and am in AlAnon, ACA, and seeing a therapist. He is still drinking. We have very limited contact at this point but I still had hope. I know it should be easy to let go but it's killing me that he's moving on with other people.
I would love some words of encouragement and support. It's been helpful to read about the alcoholic's brain and how it doesn't make sense to us.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's not necessarily EASY to let go, but let go you must. Unless, as Cyranoak points out, you want to be dragged. Just because you had some vague plan about "working on yourselves" doesn't mean he was seriously interested in working on himself. It's much easier to drift along and to pick up someone else who won't demand that he make the effort.
So, yes, now you know. Time to let go.
And, incidentally, Al-Anon and ACA are for YOU, not him. And so should your therapist be. YOU will benefit, regardless of whether you get back together with him or not. So forget about those things being part of holding up "your end" of some agreement with him, and start thinking about them as being healthy things you are doing for yourself.
So, yes, now you know. Time to let go.
And, incidentally, Al-Anon and ACA are for YOU, not him. And so should your therapist be. YOU will benefit, regardless of whether you get back together with him or not. So forget about those things being part of holding up "your end" of some agreement with him, and start thinking about them as being healthy things you are doing for yourself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Seeker....it is really excellent that you are working on yourself in alanon, ACA, and a therapist.
It sounds like you have a contract that is voided. I am not a lawyer, but, it would seem like he has broken his end of it.....?
I can imagine how it hurts, since you anticipated getting back with him.
I really hate to have to say this to you...because I know that you don't want to hear it.....but, you will have to go through the necessary period of grieving the loss....I think you have already begun it....
You will probably be facing the short-term pain for the long-term gain......
Who in the world told you it should be easy!? It is not easy. It can, and has to be done....but, it sure as hell ain't easy!
It sounds like you have a contract that is voided. I am not a lawyer, but, it would seem like he has broken his end of it.....?
I can imagine how it hurts, since you anticipated getting back with him.
I really hate to have to say this to you...because I know that you don't want to hear it.....but, you will have to go through the necessary period of grieving the loss....I think you have already begun it....
You will probably be facing the short-term pain for the long-term gain......
Who in the world told you it should be easy!? It is not easy. It can, and has to be done....but, it sure as hell ain't easy!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I'd take it as a sign to move on - from higher power.
XAH was "supposed" to do many things (in my mind) - i.e. try to get sober in rehab, try to fight for me and my son, try to be a good involved father after divorce.
He has done none of those things. And expecting those things from him was foolish of me.
Your xabf is not only seeing other people, he makes comments about it to you - most likely to yank your chain.
Let go. And stay strong when he crawls back, covered in snot and crocodile tears.
XAH was "supposed" to do many things (in my mind) - i.e. try to get sober in rehab, try to fight for me and my son, try to be a good involved father after divorce.
He has done none of those things. And expecting those things from him was foolish of me.
Your xabf is not only seeing other people, he makes comments about it to you - most likely to yank your chain.
Let go. And stay strong when he crawls back, covered in snot and crocodile tears.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
It is in the nature of an addict/alcoholic (& I'm one, so making a sweeping generalization here) to always seek the "do-over."
So, if you have set expectations & boundaries, it is so much easier to "start-over" with an "innocent" who has not built any expectations or boundaries. They think you're just "fun"!
The consolation (& this has sustained me, because I have experienced both sides, & also had the frustrating & heart-breaking experience of loving & losing an alcoholic) is that the new "partner" gets exactly the person you so carefully rejected (but perhaps a little more furtive & self-protective). If the ex hasn't changed, their new one gets the unchanged ex (that you already decided was not your apt mate).
Maybe, she has different values & will accept this damaging/damaged being without question. Whatever. That's so sad, really.
You did the work. You kept your part of the deal.
Because you are honorable in the making of important deals.
He broke the commitment.
It has taken many years for me to be in a place to say this, but - I don't want to give my life over to a person who can't keep a simple agreement, especially one which was a compromise on my part in the first place (because you wouldn't even have needed negotiate this recovery period of there hadn't been a crisis which required recovery!!).
In the end of all things, you can only keep your side of an agreement.
If he re-partners, she gets a guy who can't or won't keep promises. She drew the short straw. He freed you entirely from the whole pile of mistrust.
It hurts. It's clear. It hurts. It's clear.
Something else more fair awaits you.
So, if you have set expectations & boundaries, it is so much easier to "start-over" with an "innocent" who has not built any expectations or boundaries. They think you're just "fun"!
The consolation (& this has sustained me, because I have experienced both sides, & also had the frustrating & heart-breaking experience of loving & losing an alcoholic) is that the new "partner" gets exactly the person you so carefully rejected (but perhaps a little more furtive & self-protective). If the ex hasn't changed, their new one gets the unchanged ex (that you already decided was not your apt mate).
Maybe, she has different values & will accept this damaging/damaged being without question. Whatever. That's so sad, really.
You did the work. You kept your part of the deal.
Because you are honorable in the making of important deals.
He broke the commitment.
It has taken many years for me to be in a place to say this, but - I don't want to give my life over to a person who can't keep a simple agreement, especially one which was a compromise on my part in the first place (because you wouldn't even have needed negotiate this recovery period of there hadn't been a crisis which required recovery!!).
In the end of all things, you can only keep your side of an agreement.
If he re-partners, she gets a guy who can't or won't keep promises. She drew the short straw. He freed you entirely from the whole pile of mistrust.
It hurts. It's clear. It hurts. It's clear.
Something else more fair awaits you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ps. Nata - thank you for a sentence which will dance in my head for many years!
"Let go. And stay strong when he crawls back, covered in snot and crocodile tears."
It is mantras like that which keep me grounded! Seriously! Who needs a Zen retreat...?
Thank you, Yoda!!
"Let go. And stay strong when he crawls back, covered in snot and crocodile tears."
It is mantras like that which keep me grounded! Seriously! Who needs a Zen retreat...?
Thank you, Yoda!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
I think it is as simple as he is looking for someone else to cosign his BS now that you're not. It's the alcoholics way of keeping the behavior going since someone else is now tolerating it. Say good luck and Godspeed but it's time for you to take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Aww this made my day indeed! I knew one recovering alcoholic who was an atheist, so they imagined Yoda as their HP.
Originally Posted by heartcore 
Ps. Nata - thank you for a sentence which will dance in my head for many years!
"Let go. And stay strong when he crawls back, covered in snot and crocodile tears."
It is mantras like that which keep me grounded! Seriously! Who needs a Zen retreat...?
Thank you, Yoda!!
"Let go. And stay strong when he crawls back, covered in snot and crocodile tears."
It is mantras like that which keep me grounded! Seriously! Who needs a Zen retreat...?
Thank you, Yoda!!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm so sorry for your hurt. He is either seeing other people and telling you to hurt you or pretending he is seeing other people and telling you to hurt you.
Either way, he's deliberately hurting you.
Time to stop putting your life on hold for him, mentally or emotionally, and focus on yourself.
In a way, he's doing you a favor, but I know it doesn't feel that way now.
Sending you a hug.
Either way, he's deliberately hurting you.
Time to stop putting your life on hold for him, mentally or emotionally, and focus on yourself.
In a way, he's doing you a favor, but I know it doesn't feel that way now.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Please keep this in your mind ALWAYS -
You are NOT the reason he's latching onto other victims now.
You are NOT the reason for that relationship not working.
You ARE the person who decided to do something about someone who was toxic in your life and you cut the poison out.
You ARE the person who is doing all the things to help you out in positive ways, and yes...
You ARE the person who will survive this!
File this clown under 'H' for 'history' and take your next step!
It's really an awesome life out there!
Wow, I'm so jazzed right now, just watch me dance!
You are NOT the reason he's latching onto other victims now.
You are NOT the reason for that relationship not working.
You ARE the person who decided to do something about someone who was toxic in your life and you cut the poison out.
You ARE the person who is doing all the things to help you out in positive ways, and yes...
You ARE the person who will survive this!
File this clown under 'H' for 'history' and take your next step!
It's really an awesome life out there!
Wow, I'm so jazzed right now, just watch me dance!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Mine did the same. We were supposed to be working on ourselves...
Turned out he was working in someone else in bed! And he rationalized that technically he wasn't cheating because technically we weren't together... ugh
Turned out he was working in someone else in bed! And he rationalized that technically he wasn't cheating because technically we weren't together... ugh
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
Thank you all for your kind words. Thank God for recovery and recovering people who support you when you feel like you're losing your mind. This stuff is truly enough to make you feel insane. It's so hard when you love someone and then the script is flipped and you are forced to accept a new unpleasant reality. It's hard to reconcile in your mind how this could be the same person. A year ago we bought a house together - that's how committed we were. Of course he was sober then. I just don't understand how he can move on so quickly. I know it's a blessing because this will ultimately allow me to move forward. But right now my heart still hurts with the betrayal. I can't wrap my head around how this happened.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Seeker, it might help if you let go of the idea that he has "moved on" which implies some sort of growth or learning. He has stayed in the same place, just with someone else. She isn't getting a 'better' him, and this new relationship is no more the answer to his problems than the last one was.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Seeker21
The story I always got after our breakup (6 months ago) was that we were taking time to work on ourselves with the hopes of eventually getting back together.
I hope this helps you. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
Read around the forum, this is alcoholism 101, addicts always find another enabler (victim). They need someone who can help them continue with their drinking, like you did. You stopped so they moved on.
Nothing against you, just part of the shxtty disease of alcoholism. Hang in there, slowly you will understand that he gifted you, by "leaving".
Keep coming back, hit some meetings or a therapist and you will soar, my friend, be patient.
Read around the forum, this is alcoholism 101, addicts always find another enabler (victim). They need someone who can help them continue with their drinking, like you did. You stopped so they moved on.
Nothing against you, just part of the shxtty disease of alcoholism. Hang in there, slowly you will understand that he gifted you, by "leaving".
Keep coming back, hit some meetings or a therapist and you will soar, my friend, be patient.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My cousin went through a similar situation with her BF. The relationship ended due to his excessive drinking. He made some comments to her along the lines of, working on his issue, and when he got things under control they could work towards getting back together. She held on to that “hope” while he continued exactly as he was and they also had very limited contact. In addition, when there was contact it was always her making it.
Some of things I did not understand was how two people can work on a relationship if they have limited contact and are not doing anything together as a team to achieve the desired results.
She discovered that her al-anon meetings, therapy were all in “hopes” of getting back together with him. She was attempting to learn how to better handle an alcoholic and what she could do to make the relationship work.
Once she finally let go of what was no longer there is when she actually began the real work on herself.
Some of things I did not understand was how two people can work on a relationship if they have limited contact and are not doing anything together as a team to achieve the desired results.
She discovered that her al-anon meetings, therapy were all in “hopes” of getting back together with him. She was attempting to learn how to better handle an alcoholic and what she could do to make the relationship work.
Once she finally let go of what was no longer there is when she actually began the real work on herself.
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