LexieCat

As most of you know, I have a very friendly relationship with my first husband (kiddos' dad). He's been sober 37 years and we talk on the phone and I stay with him and his wife when I go out to visit my adult kids.

He sent me a text message the other day with an image of the cover of the latest Grapevine (AA magazine). The cover story is "Lunch with the Ex" and it's a story about someone's amends.

The text went on to say, "Reminds me of a meeting at the XYZ diner long ago!!"

And I am absolutely STUMPED. I guess we had a lunch where he did a formal amends to me, but danged if I have one shred of memory about it. I couldn't very well ask, because he would probably be crushed if I didn't remember something so important to him and to his sobriety. Not to mention that I'd feel like an idiot. It wouldn't be the first time I have completely LOST all recall of an important event it seems I should remember. But I am drawing a complete blank.

I have no reason to doubt him. All I can think is that he went on to have such a successful recovery and life that the formal "amends" was not important to me. He lived his amends, which was far more important than anything he could have said to me (though I imagine it was tough enough for him to do).

I haven't responded to the text (and probably won't). If he asks me, at some point, what I thought of it, I could just sort of laugh and say, yeah, wow, long time ago, and leave it at that. I wouldn't feel right out and out pretending to remember it, but I don't want to admit that I don't.

So much for the things that we think are gonna be so danged important in life, right? The important thing is that it was something he had to do for himself--and it apparently did the job.

Maudcat

Arrrghh. My spouse will refer to something we did on one of our trips and I will have absolutely no memory of it.
And I wasn't drinking. I just have a cruddy memory.
Sometimes I pretend to remember. "Oh yeah. That was so fun."
Sometimes I say, "you know, I have no memory of that."
Memory is a tricky thing.

maia1234

Wow lexie, what do you say to him?

You have a good relationship with him now, so it's all good!!

sauerkraut

I think this is really sweet: " All I can think is that he went on to have such a successful recovery and life that the formal "amends" was not important to me. He lived his amends, which was far more important than anything he could have said to me (though I imagine it was tough enough for him to do)."

I think you should tell him that, if you haven't already.

heartcore

Lexie - the same thing happens to me! Because even though we all live on the same planet, we are apparently (even clean & sober) mostly attending our own stories!!

My suggestion - text back - "I am so frigging proud of you!! You are an amazing human! I am grateful to have shared so much of this journey with you!"

Cause, that's what we most need to hear from the important ones...

Tah-dah! Because - truly - it is most meaningful to people to be recognized, & far less important that we don't remember a particular ten minutes (right with you, sister - I've missed a few ten-minute swells of others' stories...).

heartcore

Ps. I called my ex-husband last year - with whom I've shared much of my lifetime - 9 years together & 18 years as friends & co-parents, - to make "formal amends" for something I did during our marraige.

He interrupted me a few minutes in & said, "are you doing amends again?"

I said, " yes, you have been so important to me, I need to tell you formally that..."

He interrupted again. "I don't want to be disrespectful, but you already apologized for this..."

Me - "oh, well, this is more than an apology! This is a..."

Him - "I am so sorry to interrupt. Is this a "formal amends?" Seriously, that's really sweet, but you already did that at least five times...it's all good. I forgave this decades ago!"

Me- "I..."

Him- "No, seriously. Five times. "

Five times & I did not remember a single one of those conversations! That is both so sweet & so disoriented & embarrassing! Please stop me, friends, if I announce that I'm preparing to make amends to him again!

Ladybird579

My exah often said he said things he hadn't. Or he forgot monumental stuff. Maybe he ran saying it through his head but never actually said it to your face? It sounds like it doesn't matter tho. 37 years sober is amazing.

hopeful4

Even though you don't remember, he does, and I am sure that was hugely important to his own recovery.

I think it's so great you have such a positive friendship with he and his wife. Very cool.

You are a kind soul Lexie.

LexieCat

heartcore, you are truly a word geek after my own heart.

That's a perfect response. And I have, in fact, told him that many times--we send each other cards on our sobriety dates, and we have both encouraged each other when the times were tough in sobriety--both before and after our divorce (almost 20 years ago).

wanttobehealthy

I have decided that as we age, remembering things sometimes isn't as awesome as it was once... my memory sucks lately- maybe it's due to stress or aging or ? So maybe you can chalk the lack of recall up to the passage of time?

I think it is a cool testament to you that you don't have his amend making lunch stored away under lock and key in your mind like a badge of honor... it means that you're a compassionate and forgiving person (my spin on it)...

I used to cling to lots of false amends made by Xah bc I desperately needed to believe them and needed to hold on to his apologies, however insincere, to remind him of them when he next lied to me or hurt me...

So, maybe it is a sign of recovery to not have it all stored away in memory... or maybe Im just trying to rationalize my own crummy memory