Finally out...now picking up the pieces
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 30
Finally out...now picking up the pieces
I haven't posted in over a year and a bit, perhaps around the time of my EX's Oct 2014 relapse.
Lots has happened in that time....
There was a domestic violence incident resulting in my wrist being broken and requiring surgery. A couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant. He relapsed again in Feb & March 2015.
Foolishly I thought the baby would somehow make him invest more in recovery. I kept the boundary of him not living with my kids and I though until he had at least a year proven clean time and the behaviours that reminded me of his active addiction not just chronic relapsing ended and we had a chance to sort out all the other issues.
Unfortunately my entire pregnancy he simply kept on with the double life, trolling meeting rooms of NA and 16 steps for affair partners, online hook up sites, porn, seeking validation and attention from female customers or clerks at stores he frequented. Of course these affairs were my fault since I didn't give him enough positive attention being too upset over previous unresolved affairs and issues related to his addiction and I wasn't available enough as being pregnant and working full time and raising my kids was not leaving me enough time to appropriately meet his needs. After catching him living with yet another female he moved and then sent me a message saying I was "making him think of using again but herion this time because of the fentanyl". (His drug of choice used to be coke, crack or oxy, depending on which version of his story he's floating).
Each time I tried to end things he would threaten to OD or I would let fear, obligation or guilt bring me back into the cycle,
He failed a drug test in Sept 2015. Of course he claimed it was absorbed into his system by sweat from the mattress at the rental or baggies he'd touched while cleaning there or leftover remnants from the plates there.
Our child was born the following month. His quest for validation and ego/**** strokes from any and all continued, along with endless lying and stealing from me.
I was given a choice of him cheating online or in real life because while recovering from the c-section I was not meeting his sexual appetite.
In March 2016 I attempted to do formal mediation to arrange things for our child and his response was to tell me our child and I are a package deal and go on a 2 week emotional blackmail suicide attempt/threat countdown to my 40th birthday. He apparently/supposedly took sleeping pills and on another occasion drank rat poison. He says he told the police the first time he had relapsed/od'd and each other time he said I was reading into his messages and it was a family law matter of me withholding his son and his "countdown" was simply him leaving town. Then he flipped it all around and said he had suicide notes written and was actually going to leave a message for me of him shooting himself as my birthday present.
On my birthday he messaged to tell me I wasn't worth killing himself over. Later that day he dropped off a diamond earrings and ring. He was arrested multiple times under the mental health act during this time and simply released. Of course he also had time to register for online dating and mingle2 and events and adventures while this was going on.
After the DV incident and again during the suicide countdown I had my children stay with their dad. During the suicide countdown I relocated our child and I elsewhere as well.
I spent months driving our child back and forth or out in public for my ex to have time with the baby or if my girls were at their dads would have him here.
I begged my ex to talk with the doctors because he claimed being a year clean (despite the sept 2015) failed drug test - his behaviours were chaotic. After an assessment he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
So there was supposed to be DBT therapy...he had already done AA (years ago), detox and rehab, NA, transitions house, life rings/sober recovery, anger management, abuse counselling, Share addictions counselling, allouette addictions counselling, 16 steps, bounce back, years of various talk/cut therapists...so he started on sex addiction counselling and moving forward.
He refused to sign the paperwork my lawyer drafted up and again I agreed to give him a chance to get the mental health issues sorted out.
Ultimately the latest diagnosis simply became another excuse on top of "being an addict, or recovering drug addict or sex addict or lying addict" to act out. He spiralled back to behaviours almost identical to when he was actively using on a daily not every 3 month basis. He told me I couldn't really expect things to change until he had the "tools" and counselling to change them. Again all the "relapse is a part of recovery" slogans came back in relation to his porn and sneaking around and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Again it was on me to accept the snails pace and total lack of anything reflecting effort on his part but I was supposed to overnight master the proper skills of how to validate him and not set off his BPD.
I would try to keep the peace or walk on eggshells and either bite my tongue but if I didn't react he escalates, if I did react he escalates ..., he kept pushing that he wanted to move in, and spinning everything about my not wanting to heal and not wanting to trust him.
Just like when he was actively using he started driving back and forth beteeen our places if I ever tried for some alone time or refused to see him and doing his usual calling and coming by and ringing the cell and doorbell (some nights it was over 100x) - apparently this is out of his control but he managed to not do it when my girls were home only when it was our child and I.
In July he moved out of his place, and expected to move in. I refused.
So he made plans to move in with or have yet another random female find a place for him. Of course calling her off the work phone not his personal phone. He lived in his van. Again no money for rent or damage deposit but again my fault for not doing his budget anymore. And for expecting child support for our child. He didn't seem to be working full days and was spending a ton of time again surfing porn, playing online games etc.
In August he refused to leave my property and I had his family call him to try to calm him down. A couple weeks later it happened again and I finally reached my breaking point and called the police - he started to leave when I called 911 so I hung up, he simply came back and took our little one who I was trying to put to bed out into the carport and I called the police back.
They ended up coming almost every day multiple times a day and telling him to leave the area. The messages he was sending were some of the most distasteful and vulgar and hurtful I have ever received. it took about a week of this before I finally accepted how scary his behaviour is. I had arranged 2 visits in public for him and our child but he sent another "going to the hospital" message and I couldn't go through another suicide countdown like in April. He told me I'm a family killer and cruel and heartless, he reported me to MCFD as an unfit mother and emailed my ex husband stuff about me all because I wouldn't return his calls or emails by certain times he told me would bankrupt me and drag out any court proceedings. . Then he told me he wouldn't get arrested in front of my girls....
My girls love him. That would damage them so much. So I went to the courthouse and asked for a protection order. The police served it on him.
He breached right away and was charged with criminal harassment.
He breached via text, email, etc almost every day claiming he loved me and at times berating me for the position he is in for almost 4 months.
I kept blocking or filtering stuff...
At court he put on a good show for the judge. He had already advised me the reason he stopped paying child support was because he stole from his company and had to pay them back to avoid jail as he is out on probation awaiting the criminal proceedings.
He hasn't bothered to look into supervised visits to see his child, can't pay child support but of course had money for smokes and online hook up sites and is advertising for NSA sex/FWB while professing to love me. He's circled back to the same group of NA people that enabled him before and swallowed up his lies about clean time (this time he's claiming 22 months clean) and whom are all contacted to one of the affair partners or supply sources he cheated on me with while I was pregnant. And very likely the money he stole this past sept went to drugs.
He told the judge he had to go to all these meetings because "boredom is bad for an addict." And he continues to lie like nothing even to the judge. The attitude enrages me because ultimately he got what he wanted with me serving as built in childminder completely isolated and he's off getting the support and validation from the addictions and mental health community. He is all proud of having a sponsee even...seriously he is mentally unstable and facing criminal charges and abusive and lying about his clean time and he's an NA sponsor?? Yet in almost 4 months of breaches I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he asked about his own child.
After one breach they put him in jail and of course his boss that's known him for 4 months became his surety,
Second stint in jail he had to pay (or have someone pay for him) his deposit for bail.
I am finally starting to be able to process everything that has gone on. In therapy on meds. I go back and forth between so many emotions so many times a day. Right now I am regretting EVER paying for his rehab because the entire lower mainland is full of NA , 16 step enablers that are helping him convince the court he is again supposedly "changed".
It's so ironic that despite him being the one out on probation and only recently paying a bail deposit and paying his child support whenever he pleases if he pleases - I am isolated at home, 7pm curfew when our child goes to bed, he's got unlimited freedom, is over $2000 in arrears and our child doesn't even register and then despite having done nothing but circle back to his fellow addict supply sources he balks in court at giving me parental responsibility.
My counsellor is helping me work through everything, but whenever I run into one of his fellow addicts/affair partners in the Tri-Cities I see red. Thankfully he has stopped breaching the protection order but the anxiety and stress and depression and shame, guilt and humiliation are overwhelming.
Him and his lawyer seem sure the piece of paper he's ignored will be traded in for another price of paper he can ignore in the criminal stuff and I'm wading my way through family court which seems to have another agenda altogether attempting to get more orders he will likely ignore.
Anyway if you read this far...I learned my lesson. I'm no different than anyone else and the happily ever after was out of my hands. Even worse because of his mental illness and what I have learned about it I truly was nothing more than an object. Worthless and undesirable to him.
Addicts really will do anything for that next fix - be it from drugs, or validation, porn, etc.
So I'm back for a bit as I pick up the pieces and detach and see what the future holds for at some point co-parenting/parallel parenting with him.
Lots has happened in that time....
There was a domestic violence incident resulting in my wrist being broken and requiring surgery. A couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant. He relapsed again in Feb & March 2015.
Foolishly I thought the baby would somehow make him invest more in recovery. I kept the boundary of him not living with my kids and I though until he had at least a year proven clean time and the behaviours that reminded me of his active addiction not just chronic relapsing ended and we had a chance to sort out all the other issues.
Unfortunately my entire pregnancy he simply kept on with the double life, trolling meeting rooms of NA and 16 steps for affair partners, online hook up sites, porn, seeking validation and attention from female customers or clerks at stores he frequented. Of course these affairs were my fault since I didn't give him enough positive attention being too upset over previous unresolved affairs and issues related to his addiction and I wasn't available enough as being pregnant and working full time and raising my kids was not leaving me enough time to appropriately meet his needs. After catching him living with yet another female he moved and then sent me a message saying I was "making him think of using again but herion this time because of the fentanyl". (His drug of choice used to be coke, crack or oxy, depending on which version of his story he's floating).
Each time I tried to end things he would threaten to OD or I would let fear, obligation or guilt bring me back into the cycle,
He failed a drug test in Sept 2015. Of course he claimed it was absorbed into his system by sweat from the mattress at the rental or baggies he'd touched while cleaning there or leftover remnants from the plates there.
Our child was born the following month. His quest for validation and ego/**** strokes from any and all continued, along with endless lying and stealing from me.
I was given a choice of him cheating online or in real life because while recovering from the c-section I was not meeting his sexual appetite.
In March 2016 I attempted to do formal mediation to arrange things for our child and his response was to tell me our child and I are a package deal and go on a 2 week emotional blackmail suicide attempt/threat countdown to my 40th birthday. He apparently/supposedly took sleeping pills and on another occasion drank rat poison. He says he told the police the first time he had relapsed/od'd and each other time he said I was reading into his messages and it was a family law matter of me withholding his son and his "countdown" was simply him leaving town. Then he flipped it all around and said he had suicide notes written and was actually going to leave a message for me of him shooting himself as my birthday present.
On my birthday he messaged to tell me I wasn't worth killing himself over. Later that day he dropped off a diamond earrings and ring. He was arrested multiple times under the mental health act during this time and simply released. Of course he also had time to register for online dating and mingle2 and events and adventures while this was going on.
After the DV incident and again during the suicide countdown I had my children stay with their dad. During the suicide countdown I relocated our child and I elsewhere as well.
I spent months driving our child back and forth or out in public for my ex to have time with the baby or if my girls were at their dads would have him here.
I begged my ex to talk with the doctors because he claimed being a year clean (despite the sept 2015) failed drug test - his behaviours were chaotic. After an assessment he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
So there was supposed to be DBT therapy...he had already done AA (years ago), detox and rehab, NA, transitions house, life rings/sober recovery, anger management, abuse counselling, Share addictions counselling, allouette addictions counselling, 16 steps, bounce back, years of various talk/cut therapists...so he started on sex addiction counselling and moving forward.
He refused to sign the paperwork my lawyer drafted up and again I agreed to give him a chance to get the mental health issues sorted out.
Ultimately the latest diagnosis simply became another excuse on top of "being an addict, or recovering drug addict or sex addict or lying addict" to act out. He spiralled back to behaviours almost identical to when he was actively using on a daily not every 3 month basis. He told me I couldn't really expect things to change until he had the "tools" and counselling to change them. Again all the "relapse is a part of recovery" slogans came back in relation to his porn and sneaking around and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Again it was on me to accept the snails pace and total lack of anything reflecting effort on his part but I was supposed to overnight master the proper skills of how to validate him and not set off his BPD.
I would try to keep the peace or walk on eggshells and either bite my tongue but if I didn't react he escalates, if I did react he escalates ..., he kept pushing that he wanted to move in, and spinning everything about my not wanting to heal and not wanting to trust him.
Just like when he was actively using he started driving back and forth beteeen our places if I ever tried for some alone time or refused to see him and doing his usual calling and coming by and ringing the cell and doorbell (some nights it was over 100x) - apparently this is out of his control but he managed to not do it when my girls were home only when it was our child and I.
In July he moved out of his place, and expected to move in. I refused.
So he made plans to move in with or have yet another random female find a place for him. Of course calling her off the work phone not his personal phone. He lived in his van. Again no money for rent or damage deposit but again my fault for not doing his budget anymore. And for expecting child support for our child. He didn't seem to be working full days and was spending a ton of time again surfing porn, playing online games etc.
In August he refused to leave my property and I had his family call him to try to calm him down. A couple weeks later it happened again and I finally reached my breaking point and called the police - he started to leave when I called 911 so I hung up, he simply came back and took our little one who I was trying to put to bed out into the carport and I called the police back.
They ended up coming almost every day multiple times a day and telling him to leave the area. The messages he was sending were some of the most distasteful and vulgar and hurtful I have ever received. it took about a week of this before I finally accepted how scary his behaviour is. I had arranged 2 visits in public for him and our child but he sent another "going to the hospital" message and I couldn't go through another suicide countdown like in April. He told me I'm a family killer and cruel and heartless, he reported me to MCFD as an unfit mother and emailed my ex husband stuff about me all because I wouldn't return his calls or emails by certain times he told me would bankrupt me and drag out any court proceedings. . Then he told me he wouldn't get arrested in front of my girls....
My girls love him. That would damage them so much. So I went to the courthouse and asked for a protection order. The police served it on him.
He breached right away and was charged with criminal harassment.
He breached via text, email, etc almost every day claiming he loved me and at times berating me for the position he is in for almost 4 months.
I kept blocking or filtering stuff...
At court he put on a good show for the judge. He had already advised me the reason he stopped paying child support was because he stole from his company and had to pay them back to avoid jail as he is out on probation awaiting the criminal proceedings.
He hasn't bothered to look into supervised visits to see his child, can't pay child support but of course had money for smokes and online hook up sites and is advertising for NSA sex/FWB while professing to love me. He's circled back to the same group of NA people that enabled him before and swallowed up his lies about clean time (this time he's claiming 22 months clean) and whom are all contacted to one of the affair partners or supply sources he cheated on me with while I was pregnant. And very likely the money he stole this past sept went to drugs.
He told the judge he had to go to all these meetings because "boredom is bad for an addict." And he continues to lie like nothing even to the judge. The attitude enrages me because ultimately he got what he wanted with me serving as built in childminder completely isolated and he's off getting the support and validation from the addictions and mental health community. He is all proud of having a sponsee even...seriously he is mentally unstable and facing criminal charges and abusive and lying about his clean time and he's an NA sponsor?? Yet in almost 4 months of breaches I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he asked about his own child.
After one breach they put him in jail and of course his boss that's known him for 4 months became his surety,
Second stint in jail he had to pay (or have someone pay for him) his deposit for bail.
I am finally starting to be able to process everything that has gone on. In therapy on meds. I go back and forth between so many emotions so many times a day. Right now I am regretting EVER paying for his rehab because the entire lower mainland is full of NA , 16 step enablers that are helping him convince the court he is again supposedly "changed".
It's so ironic that despite him being the one out on probation and only recently paying a bail deposit and paying his child support whenever he pleases if he pleases - I am isolated at home, 7pm curfew when our child goes to bed, he's got unlimited freedom, is over $2000 in arrears and our child doesn't even register and then despite having done nothing but circle back to his fellow addict supply sources he balks in court at giving me parental responsibility.
My counsellor is helping me work through everything, but whenever I run into one of his fellow addicts/affair partners in the Tri-Cities I see red. Thankfully he has stopped breaching the protection order but the anxiety and stress and depression and shame, guilt and humiliation are overwhelming.
Him and his lawyer seem sure the piece of paper he's ignored will be traded in for another price of paper he can ignore in the criminal stuff and I'm wading my way through family court which seems to have another agenda altogether attempting to get more orders he will likely ignore.
Anyway if you read this far...I learned my lesson. I'm no different than anyone else and the happily ever after was out of my hands. Even worse because of his mental illness and what I have learned about it I truly was nothing more than an object. Worthless and undesirable to him.
Addicts really will do anything for that next fix - be it from drugs, or validation, porn, etc.
So I'm back for a bit as I pick up the pieces and detach and see what the future holds for at some point co-parenting/parallel parenting with him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
Is there a future with this person.? It seems his has his future already happening - addiction. When in addiction's grasp- nothing and no one matters. The next high, the next drink. Make informed choices for your safety and that of your children- perhaps without him. Do you still wanting to be doing the wash/rinse repeat bit in 10 years? Stuff will not change unless you break this cycle of his abuse- to you.
His threats at suicide? He is not dead. An effective tool to control you. Blaming you- a convenient way to rationalise destructive behaviour.
Keep reading stuff at SR. See about going to an NA support group, get legal advice.
My thoughts and support to you. PJ.
His threats at suicide? He is not dead. An effective tool to control you. Blaming you- a convenient way to rationalise destructive behaviour.
Keep reading stuff at SR. See about going to an NA support group, get legal advice.
My thoughts and support to you. PJ.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 52
That sounds like you've been through so much. When I finished reading, my first thought was that I wished to give you a hug.
I am in a situation with a "changed" addict and a child, as well. He demands trust, respect, and well whatever else he demands. It's such a hard situation to be in, especially with a child. Sometimes I feel guilty because I wish that when I found out I was pregnant that I woulda just RAN AWAY and not told him because of the fear I deal with constantly. IDK any good advice, that situation sounds really scary for yourself, let alone throwing a kid into his arms... but this place has really helped me to at least understand things a bit better, and given me a place to talk with people that seem to "get it", which is very comforting and informative, if nothing else.
I am in a situation with a "changed" addict and a child, as well. He demands trust, respect, and well whatever else he demands. It's such a hard situation to be in, especially with a child. Sometimes I feel guilty because I wish that when I found out I was pregnant that I woulda just RAN AWAY and not told him because of the fear I deal with constantly. IDK any good advice, that situation sounds really scary for yourself, let alone throwing a kid into his arms... but this place has really helped me to at least understand things a bit better, and given me a place to talk with people that seem to "get it", which is very comforting and informative, if nothing else.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wishful, welcome back. I take from your post that you are no longer with this man and healing from the trauma, yes?
He broke your wrist and mentally abused you for years, I am so glad you got away from him before he turned on your child or other children. The man has an aggressive mental illness and at this point it doesn't really matter which came first, the mental illness or the drugs...he is dangerous to everyone around him.
I am glad you are getting help for yourself and moving forward. Are there any meetings in your area that you could attend? They cost nothing and are a wonderful means of support that has helped many of us here to let go of the insanity of addiction and find our balance again.
I hope you and your children can find a life filled with peace, and stability and safety.
Hugs
He broke your wrist and mentally abused you for years, I am so glad you got away from him before he turned on your child or other children. The man has an aggressive mental illness and at this point it doesn't really matter which came first, the mental illness or the drugs...he is dangerous to everyone around him.
I am glad you are getting help for yourself and moving forward. Are there any meetings in your area that you could attend? They cost nothing and are a wonderful means of support that has helped many of us here to let go of the insanity of addiction and find our balance again.
I hope you and your children can find a life filled with peace, and stability and safety.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow, you have been through it. I am so sorry for all you have endured.
What's important is that you get help for yourself and your children so that no matter what happens, you are steady for yourself and for them.
He is a mess, and will continue to self destruct I would guess. That is his choice. You have not contributed to that at all, it's his own behavior and choices. You see that right??
Tight hugs. You are not alone.
What's important is that you get help for yourself and your children so that no matter what happens, you are steady for yourself and for them.
He is a mess, and will continue to self destruct I would guess. That is his choice. You have not contributed to that at all, it's his own behavior and choices. You see that right??
Tight hugs. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi Wishful04, I'm a BC westcoaster too! I'm sorry to hear of the huge ordeal you have been through.
I'm not sure if your ex is legally obligated at this point to pay child support? Is there a legal ruling on that yet? I ask because... My alcoholic-ex-husband just up and decided he wasn't gong to pay support last September. In October after he was two months in arrears I contacted my lawyer and he had me contact FMEP ( Family Maintenance Enforcement Program) His advice was that he could take it to court if I wanted but that would be expensive, it would be free for me to have FMEP enforce our separation/divorce agreement since it was filed with the courts in BC it was a court order. It took a couple months but I have again started receiving my support payments directly from FMEP who take it directly from him. They have liens on his property and belongings until he pays up. I am entitled to any income tax returns he may get ( up to what he is owing) He is paying FMEP and then they pay me, but if he fails to give them the money they can take it from his paychecks. I was way more than fair when we negotiated payments and then he still tried to screw me over in several ways. Who can ever understand what goes on in the head of an addict? (Especially one who has other mental health issues....)
Good luck to you dealing with this very sick man.
HUgs.
I'm not sure if your ex is legally obligated at this point to pay child support? Is there a legal ruling on that yet? I ask because... My alcoholic-ex-husband just up and decided he wasn't gong to pay support last September. In October after he was two months in arrears I contacted my lawyer and he had me contact FMEP ( Family Maintenance Enforcement Program) His advice was that he could take it to court if I wanted but that would be expensive, it would be free for me to have FMEP enforce our separation/divorce agreement since it was filed with the courts in BC it was a court order. It took a couple months but I have again started receiving my support payments directly from FMEP who take it directly from him. They have liens on his property and belongings until he pays up. I am entitled to any income tax returns he may get ( up to what he is owing) He is paying FMEP and then they pay me, but if he fails to give them the money they can take it from his paychecks. I was way more than fair when we negotiated payments and then he still tried to screw me over in several ways. Who can ever understand what goes on in the head of an addict? (Especially one who has other mental health issues....)
Good luck to you dealing with this very sick man.
HUgs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 30
PheonixJ - No future with him. I see that now. I saw it all along was just in denial.
solicitude - yes...running away but for my other 2 kids... I have awful guilt about the things I considered when pregnant because even though I wasn't ready to admit it I knew I would end up raising this little one alone...and I feel like I've already failed him somehow.
Ann - Thank you. I attended some meetings while he was in rehab what seems like a decade ago, also did some counseling and a virtual/phone group session with other supposed loved ones of addicts. Right now when I get a babysitter it's to try to recharge me and get away from talking about anything related to the past 4 years. I have a counselor helping me work through things. I don't think I could go near another room in my life due to the humiliation of his numerous affairs & deceptions under the guise of attending NA, 16 steps, doing stepwork with his sponsor or recovery work.
hopeful4 - I see that its not my fault...but feeling it is what I am working on, while also acknowledging my part in staying so long. Its such a rollercoaster of emotions.
SmallButMighty - the court order for child support is now in place and I am in the process of registering for FMEP...not that it will mean anything truly...I've watched how the system works and have no expectations he will remain gainfully employed or report all income etc. but I've been expecting this so will do what needs doing to support my little ones.
solicitude - yes...running away but for my other 2 kids... I have awful guilt about the things I considered when pregnant because even though I wasn't ready to admit it I knew I would end up raising this little one alone...and I feel like I've already failed him somehow.
Ann - Thank you. I attended some meetings while he was in rehab what seems like a decade ago, also did some counseling and a virtual/phone group session with other supposed loved ones of addicts. Right now when I get a babysitter it's to try to recharge me and get away from talking about anything related to the past 4 years. I have a counselor helping me work through things. I don't think I could go near another room in my life due to the humiliation of his numerous affairs & deceptions under the guise of attending NA, 16 steps, doing stepwork with his sponsor or recovery work.
hopeful4 - I see that its not my fault...but feeling it is what I am working on, while also acknowledging my part in staying so long. Its such a rollercoaster of emotions.
SmallButMighty - the court order for child support is now in place and I am in the process of registering for FMEP...not that it will mean anything truly...I've watched how the system works and have no expectations he will remain gainfully employed or report all income etc. but I've been expecting this so will do what needs doing to support my little ones.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wishful, I completely understand your wariness of "the rooms", but hope you will reach out to counseling and support for yourself and your children. There are many church groups, government assistance programs, that may help you work through this too.
You sound like a wise and strong woman, I have no doubt that you and your children will find happier days ahead...and peace...and stability.
Keeping you all in my prayers.
Hugs
You sound like a wise and strong woman, I have no doubt that you and your children will find happier days ahead...and peace...and stability.
Keeping you all in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Pobrecita!
You have a long road in front of you to care for your injured heart. I send prayers from afar.
Attend the children & do everything in your power to remove him from your life! I wish you strength & peacefulness...
You have a long road in front of you to care for your injured heart. I send prayers from afar.
Attend the children & do everything in your power to remove him from your life! I wish you strength & peacefulness...
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a big fierce hug.
He broke your wrist. The end.
Your children may adore him, but he is an ongoing toxic example and you're doing exactly the right thing to keep him away from them as much as possible. Children re-create what they grew up with...I certainly did.
Sending you strength and clarity.
He broke your wrist. The end.
Your children may adore him, but he is an ongoing toxic example and you're doing exactly the right thing to keep him away from them as much as possible. Children re-create what they grew up with...I certainly did.
Sending you strength and clarity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 30
So if tomorrow arrives with no breaches then it will be 30 days of no contact.
It's ironic that all I kept asking for was 30 days of peace ,no BS no lies thefts affairs drugs etc and it ultimately takes having a protection order and him being arrested multiple times for breaches over 6 months to get any bit of peace.
I'm sorry I can't reply direct with names but I can't see them from my phone when replying.
I have been in counselling and my daughters are as well. My son is to small.
Yes a lot of healing to be done and figuring out a way to coparent effectively once all the various orders are in place. If it were not for our child I would never speak with him again as the lies and self pity are endless.
Focusing on the kids and my work is so healing. Talking with honest caring authentic respectful trustworthy decent kind empathetic people is unbelievable. My days are no longer wasted attempting to prove reality or being gaslit. I've started redecorating and spending time developing new and old friendships.
In the meantime his last letter delivered to me at court is the usual rewriting of history, abdicating responsibility, what I see as attempts at guilttripping me, & ultimately just more meaningless words not supported by action with me squarely painted as the villain. The words are no different than his endless claims of change every step of the way before.
I have until early April to come up with a list of what I would like to see in place if considering supervised visitation for our little one with him. It was helpful as the judge seized himself to the case so that will save re-explaining it and he even offered 2 months originally for me to figure out what would make me comfortable (not that I have illusions of it all being agreed to). It felt like finally being heard. Very validating that as overwhelming as this all is it's not for nothing.
Anyone else care to share what you asked for or were granted in court when dealing with parenting/access with a "recovering" addict with mental health issues as it pertained to a toddler? Feel free to PM me if preferred (sorry hope that's allowed).
Thank you for letting me vent.
It's ironic that all I kept asking for was 30 days of peace ,no BS no lies thefts affairs drugs etc and it ultimately takes having a protection order and him being arrested multiple times for breaches over 6 months to get any bit of peace.
I'm sorry I can't reply direct with names but I can't see them from my phone when replying.
I have been in counselling and my daughters are as well. My son is to small.
Yes a lot of healing to be done and figuring out a way to coparent effectively once all the various orders are in place. If it were not for our child I would never speak with him again as the lies and self pity are endless.
Focusing on the kids and my work is so healing. Talking with honest caring authentic respectful trustworthy decent kind empathetic people is unbelievable. My days are no longer wasted attempting to prove reality or being gaslit. I've started redecorating and spending time developing new and old friendships.
In the meantime his last letter delivered to me at court is the usual rewriting of history, abdicating responsibility, what I see as attempts at guilttripping me, & ultimately just more meaningless words not supported by action with me squarely painted as the villain. The words are no different than his endless claims of change every step of the way before.
I have until early April to come up with a list of what I would like to see in place if considering supervised visitation for our little one with him. It was helpful as the judge seized himself to the case so that will save re-explaining it and he even offered 2 months originally for me to figure out what would make me comfortable (not that I have illusions of it all being agreed to). It felt like finally being heard. Very validating that as overwhelming as this all is it's not for nothing.
Anyone else care to share what you asked for or were granted in court when dealing with parenting/access with a "recovering" addict with mental health issues as it pertained to a toddler? Feel free to PM me if preferred (sorry hope that's allowed).
Thank you for letting me vent.
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