noneever

I've made lists of all the reasons why drinking is never a good choice for me. I've listed all the crappy things I've done when drunk. I've listed all the positives of being sober. I've seen the disappointment on my children's faces when they see me drinking. I've read so many books, blogs and threads on alcoholism and sobriety. I'm a nurse and have seen first hand what alcohol does to people. I look in the mirror and see what it's doing to me. I've had friends and family express concern about my drinking.
I'm continually broke because I waste money I don't have on alcohol, cigarettes and gambling. I'm on my last chance at work.
I've read up on relaxation techniques, urge surfing, mindfulness practices.
Yet none of it sticks. None of it has resonated with to me to the point where when the thought of drinking arises, I don't follow through.
Maybe deep down, I just want to remain in this self inflicted hell. I certainly lack the will power to put into practice what I've learnt or read. Honestly, you would think any sane person who drove drunk once would have the sense to stop. But I haven't. I drive around drunk weekly. It's like I'm determined to kill myself or someone else. Why the **** don't I care enough to just stop?

OpioPhobe

On the list of things that you have tried I don't see any mention of AA. Have you ever attended a meeting?

Consequences never stopped me from drinking either. I could have made a list up every day on reasons not to stop, but all that would go out the window in the moment.

noneever

Yes, I went to a few meetings back in November. I'm going back tonight.

Dee74

I think deterrents and fear or negative based methods can only go so far. I think faith plays a great part in long term successful recovery.

You need to have faith that not drinking will pay off - maybe not immediately but definitely.

You have to have faith that there's a better way to deal with your problems.

You have to have faith that you can quit, no matter how long you've been drinking or how tightly you feel bound.

You need to believe that good times are ahead - if you work at your recovery and stay sober.

One day you'll see the tangible benefits of staying sober - but until then you need to believe that they're coming. inevitably so long as you keep working on your recovery.

You need to want to change - thats the bottom line - and I'm sure you do..

If your actions continue to show you think drinking is a still a viable option for you tho? you need to ask yourself why.

why the lack of faith in the process, in the community here, and elsewhere at place like AA, and in yourself?

I don;t need to know the answer - but you do.

If you want change, and you make changes, there's absolutely no need for you to ever drink again

It's a highly achievable goal

D

noneever

Dee, how do I get faith? I feel so low at the moment that I just can't see how never drinking again is possible. I haven't achieved it so far. Why is it miraculously going to work this time? I know I need to take a leap of faith and trust what you are telling me, but my head gets in my way.

OpioPhobe

OK. That is good. In the rough times I had to make a commitment not to drink a day at a time. Can you commit to not drinking between now and the meeting? The only thing you need to do right now is figure out a way to make it to bed without drinking.

Did you get numbers from people at the meeting? If not, that might be a good idea. If you get there early and stay late you may find it easier to meet people. See if any of the members are going to a meeting tomorrow, and make a commitment to meet them there. In the morning, all you have to do is commit to not drinking before the meeting.

That is literally all you have to do right now. It seems too simple, but that worked for me when I was struggling.

PhoenixJ

To me faith is not a whoosh there it is thing. Just do not drink. Work hard. I did not want to stop drinking. I just put one foot in front of the other. All of the things you have- the things you can lose? Well I did lose them. All of them Including, at one point- my life. Faith has to be an informed decision. Of trying not just waiting to 'feel better'. Make a plan. Go to meetings. Get daily support- take every day minute by hour. If my life is a tangled ball of fishing line- I just have to start somewhere- anywhere. Through patience and determination the whole thing slowly starts to unravel.
Keep posting.

Polaroid

Maybe I shouldn't give any advice whatsoever when I have some alcohol in me, but Dee is one perfect example.

I wish I could just wipe the slate clean, start over, and keep the memories I have from what a mare drinking is.

I think the question is... why do you drink? We all have our reasons...

Dee74

I'm not sure you 'get' faith - but surely you believe that some of us here have made it and our advice is good?

Even if you can't see it yourself right now, you can acknowledge that is guys have faith that you can get this?

I struggled with that too - but I believed people when they said don;t drink and it gets better.

I made that my focus - don't drink. Don't raise the glass to my lips.

If you're in trouble reach out for help. If you think you need a lot of help then get a lot of support - SR AA, maybe other forums or other methods like SMART lifeRing or Rational Recovery.

do anything but drink - scream into a pillow, kick the walls - ride 20 miles or run around the block.

Get through then next time will be easier.

Right now you fear your addiction has more power than you do, right?



your addiction has no arms legs or mouth - it can;t get what it wants without your co=operation. refuse to cio-operate and your addiction stumped.

It may throw a tantrum but like any toddler it will wear itself out and go to sleep.

you're smarter than a toddler - you can do this

D

Dee74

I think a better question is what are you avoiding by drinking, Polaroid?

D

noneever

You know what? I've wasted so much time on analysing and pulling apart the why. I know exactly why I drink. Has this knowledge helped me not to drink? The evidence is strongly in favour of no.
I'm beyond even caring about why. It's irrelevant. I need to stop and that's all there is to it.

Polaroid

That's an =/= isn't it? (Not equal to, still equal to)

Rushing thoughts. Anxiety.

noneever

Dee, I do believe a lot of you here have achieved what I want. I'm going to cling to that knowledge. There's no reason why I can't do this. I'm not some helpless special snowflake who is doomed. **** that.
God, I'm all over the place today. One minute lying on my bed convinced this is my life until I die. The next wanting to get up and shout out that I can and will do this.
I'm drinking a cup of tea and have 2 1/2 hours to sort my house before going to AA. Enough of the pity party. It's time for action.

PhoenixJ

Now.. THAT is faith. Good for you. Post how the meeting went.

Berrybean

Good luck. Hope it goes well (I'm sure it will). But remember, meetings are just where we get together to talk about recovery. They are not the recovery program itself. The 12-step recovery program is worked outside of meetings, with a sponsor for some parts, and applying the program to our day to day existence on our own. That's when it works best.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

noneever

I went to the meeting and have another to go to tomorrow. It was good to physically be amongst people who've been sober for years. The overwhelming message was to keep going back. So I will. If nothing else, it gets me out of the house.
Feeling flat as a tack. I've wasted the whole day being hungover. But at least I've reached out here and got to a meeting.

PhoenixJ

August252015

[QUOTE=noneever;6332627].
Maybe deep down, I just want to remain in this self inflicted hell. I certainly lack the will power to put into practice what I've learnt or read. Honestly, you would think any sane person who drove drunk once would have the sense to stop. But I haven't. I drive around drunk weekly. It's like I'm determined to kill myself or someone else. Why the **** don't I care enough to just stop?[/QUO

IMO....IME....there you go.

You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink - accept that you alone cannot stop drinking (ie it is not about will power, having good sense, any of that), and decide your life must change.

I am an avid AA er - there are other solutions folks around here use successfully.

I think we will all tell you that all the reading, studying, wishing and cajoling, etc with ourselves.....doesn't work/isn't enough/etc.

I hope you are ready to quit- and choose to get help to get started. You are here today, a big part of you wants to be sober- cling to THAT part right now.....

Don't drink, today.

You can do it.

FieldReport

I could have written your original post noneever - word for word! I'm so with you. Also some great advice from these find folks. I continue to learn and get encouragement here every day.

ABetterWay1

I'm prefacing my reply with the recognition that I'm bringing my own biases into this, but what I see mentioned very sparsely in the previous responses (if at all) is the suggestion that you are likely unable to stop drinking for the simple reason that your brain has an addiction to alcohol. There is no amount of information that will directly combat the illness of alcoholism until the addiction component is recognized.

I went round and round in that vicious cycle for a long time - studying, reading, learning about alcoholism, without actually being able to quit for any appreciable length of time. It took an admission that I could not stop, could not moderate, and was no longer able to consume alcohol for me to finally get my feet underneath me.

Once I admitted those things to myself, began daily practice to stay sober, and took tangible action, only then could I effectively use the information available to me.

I wish you the best, noneever!

ABW1