wanttobehealthy

I have been in survival/business mode for a long time, so long in fact that I am finding it really, really hard to let my guard down with anyone who tries to get close to me.

Twice in the last week I have noticed this in my interactions with two close friends... I am seeing it, I am aware of it as it is happening and I feel like I might become overwhelmed by my feelings if I were to let my guard down for even a second... So when it starts to get too real, I run away basically. This is not what I used to be like. I used to be such an open book and free with my feelings and open-- and now I am so far to the other extreme... I hide my feelings, I keep a poker face, I am composed and fake being in control all the time...

Anyone else found or find themselves in this position? Is this the normal outcome after years of chaos and drama of life with an A?

I have justified this way of "being" (in my own mind) for a while now by saying 'well, I do not have extra energy to invest in emotions about anything but my kids' but I think the truth is that I do not want to feel any intense emotions-- good or bad-- because any intensity of emotions feels like too much right now after years of living in fearful chaos...

Clearly, the fact that I am writing about this makes it clear that I am not happy living like this... I guess I am just not really sure what the next step is to make improvements...

Probably a therapist is in order stat

Maudcat

I think you're right. Talking to someone would help.
That being said, I can certainly understand your desire to guard your emotions. It's almost like a defense. No one can hurt me if I don't give them ammunition, i. e, my soft spots.
Not a physician, but what you describe sounds a little like ptsd. Good luck.

hopeful4

I really do understand this. It's like I am emotionally vested in my kids and I just don't have room for anything else, and the thought of having any kind of emotional tie to anything else gives me big anxiety.

I don't know the answer, but know you are not alone friend.

LifeRecovery

WTBH-

Oh boy do I get this! I don't have an answer for it yet myself but this is what I am in the middle of working on in my therapy.

Part of it for me is a fear that I won't be able to "get out of it." By it I mean a relationship. I am afraid of being vulnerable because I have not done a great job of getting out of my relationship with my ex that got me here, but friendships too.

Part of it too is a fear of something good. I know that and I know it is important but it is something really hard for me to lean towards.