Lawyer Appt This Week

Old 02-13-2017, 05:21 PM
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Lawyer Appt This Week

Hi,
Things in my life feel like they're at a standstill. I can't think beyond the day, because my divorce is far from being settled.
I have an Appt with my lawyer on Friday. This is to discuss our plan for our final hearing on March 7th. I have worked so hard all my life to become who I am, and have earned every penny of what I have. The only thing that was ever given to me was a same inheritance by my mother. I actually wish she had used that money for herself, to enjoy her life!
I'm not a spring chicken! I am now going to have to fight for everything I earned, all the nights I went out to take care of Hospice patients and their families. For 20 years, I was on call at least 3-4 nights a week. It certainly was a privilege, but I worked very hard!! And the thought I have to fight my AH for things I have earned! And also fight for my mother's inheritance.
I am very willing to split everything 50-50, because that is the fair thing to do, even though my AH contribution to our marriage was more like me 70, him 30.
This court date is scheduled for 3hrs. My AH isn't willing to take less than the whole marital home. He made that clear during mediation.
My AH'S sister is paying for a hot shot lawyer for him. I don't have the money to do that. I hired a lawyer I could afford.
I'm hoping the judge can see through his lies, but my AH is very smooth.
I guess, I really only gave myself to blame for the poor life choices I made.
It's surreal to imagine that a judge holds my whole financial future in her hands!
I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone again!! Sorry if this is all over the place!
It's funny, not really! By AH still has control over my life! Even from miles away! He decided he wouldn't negotiate, so who's in limbo? Me! I honestly don't think my AH cares what the outcome is, just that he can continue to disrupt my life!
Thank you for listening!! I'm sure it doesn't make much sense! Just want this over!

Z
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Old 02-13-2017, 05:33 PM
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Can't see the judge giving him more than 50%. If you can show where your inheritance money came from, you may be able to keep all of that. Have all records with you in court.

Divorce is most always -- very painful. Was for me too but, once down the road I felt a much lighter load.

M-Bob
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Old 02-13-2017, 05:43 PM
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OK, Z, I understand the anxiety, but you gotta put this in perspective. First, and most important, even if he gets way more than he "deserves" YOU are gonna be OK. You won't be homeless and out on the street. You won't need to go on welfare.

Second, it doesn't matter what he's "willing to accept"--once it's in the court's hands, he has nothing to say about it.

Third, the cost of the lawyer has nothing to do with who wins. There isn't that much to spin here. It looks like it will be a pretty straightforward equitable division of property. Neither one of you will be 100 percent happy--that's inherent in having someone else decide. It's OK, really.

Try to take the anxiety down a few notches. You will do your best in court if you are calm and reasonable, and not acting like your world will fall apart if you don't get everything you're asking for. It's a big deal, but it isn't life and death--really.

Don't worry about what he says/does. The truth DOES count, but you have a much better chance of having your truth heard if you go in serious and determined, yet calm and rational. Let HIM look like the greed bag that he is.

Hugs,
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Old 02-13-2017, 07:03 PM
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Hi Zircon,
Sending positive vibes your way. I can empathize with how you feel as I'm going through tough negotiations (well, I'm trying to negotiate; he's not) with my STBXAH, too. A friend just reminded me of something I had forgotten: our ex-partners are almost certainly not thinking clearly given the alcohol poisoning they've subjected their brains to. Like others are saying above, we can hold out hope that reason and the law is on our side.
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Old 02-14-2017, 01:34 AM
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Zircon, as painful as he is, it's better for you that he's being so intransigent because that doesn't go down well with the judge, and makes him look like a bully.

You on the other hand have been willing to compromise all along. That's in your favour. Good news what Lexie said about the lawyer.
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Old 02-14-2017, 04:10 AM
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Have you tried a mediator and not lawyers? The moment lawyers get involved their egos and wallet get in the way of progress. I'm no expert by any means.
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Old 02-14-2017, 06:21 AM
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Yes, what Lexie said! He can demand this and that, but the courts are not just going to hand it over.

Big hugs friend!
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Old 02-14-2017, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by TobeC View Post
Have you tried a mediator and not lawyers? The moment lawyers get involved their egos and wallet get in the way of progress. I'm no expert by any means.
I'm not sure whose wallet and ego you are referring to, but if it's lawyers, that describes a few members of the bar, not the majority. And yes, she has tried mediation, which hasn't worked here (as it is prone to fail in most divorces where there abuse is involved). And, incidentally, mediation involves lawyers, if the parties have them.
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Old 02-14-2017, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by TobeC View Post
Have you tried a mediator and not lawyers? The moment lawyers get involved their egos and wallet get in the way of progress. I'm no expert by any means.
Lawyers seem to already be involved.
That means mediation is out -- they want their money.
MB
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Old 02-14-2017, 06:41 AM
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Hey, c'mon, let's quit trashing lawyers. Some of us here ARE lawyers, ya know?

Most of them are a big help in the sense of providing guidance and advice throughout the process, not to mention serving as a buffer so you don't have to deal with an abusive ex directly.
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Old 02-14-2017, 09:20 AM
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LOL....at the time of my divorce, my lawyer felt more important to me than my mother!
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Old 02-14-2017, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
LOL....at the time of my divorce, my lawyer felt more important to me than my mother!
And moms are harder to fire!
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Old 02-14-2017, 12:55 PM
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Hi,
Actually we did try mediation with both our lawyers present. My AH was being totally unreasonable, wanted the whole marital home. He wanted to exchange my equity in our home for a piece of land I bought with my mom's inheritance. It was so unfair. My AH was unwilling to negotiate! So the courts will be deciding on my financial future! That's so tough for me, since I was the major provider in our marriage! My lawyer, I have the greatest respect for. He is trying to save me money. He can't understand why my AH won't negotiate. He feels things should just be sold and proceeds split, shouldn't be this complicated!!
I am just so disappointed in myself for the choices I made. My AH told the court thru his attorney that our marriage had been deteriorating for the last 6 yrs, since I had a brain hemorrhage!!
Funny though, after my brain hemorrhage, I continued to be the major bread earner, invested my inheritance in opening a new business with him. Who would want to work with someone they didn't want to be with anymore! At my AH insistence bought the property across the street from our home, again with my inheritance, and paid all the bills in the house for 8months, and about month before I had to move because he threatened to burn the house down, paid 6000.00 to put a new furnance in our home. Tell me what kind of man would take all that!!!! And his claim is the marriage was deteriorated for the last 6 years !!!
And today is Valentines Day!! Pretty rough !!! I did it all to myself!!
Now, my AH has moved on to an old girlfriend!!!
I guess I was played a fool for the last 13 year!!

Z
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Old 02-14-2017, 01:12 PM
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Z, BREATHE.

You're gonna give yourself a heart attack with all those !!!!!

You didn't do it ALL to yourself. Hindsight is 20/20. We all made decisions that, in retrospect, we wish we hadn't made. They aren't necessarily bad decisions--they just turned out badly due to unforeseen circumstances.

I made some very bad decisions (or what turned out to be bad decisions) in my last two relationships. They cost me money and other valuable things, like my sense of dignity. But it's water under the bridge. When the die has been cast, we have to salvage what we can, and just accept that sometimes bad things happen to nice people. This isn't something you will never recover from.

Please stop beating yourself up.
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Old 02-14-2017, 01:20 PM
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Zircon, please don't let yourself get all riled up in the unfairness of it all. That roads leads nowhere but to poor health and shame spirals.

You did the best you could with what you had to work with at the time. That is as good as it gets for anyone.

Your STBXAH is a very sick man. Try not to let his sickness infect you with overwhelming resentments and by all means, do not expect him to suddenly change into a thoughtful, reasonable human being.

Ultimately, whatever happens in court, you will walk away free of this toxicity. He will live in it indefinitely.
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