Friends and family who don’t understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Friends and family who don’t understand
I'm curious if anyone here has advice or experience with how best to handle friends and family who don't understand what you're going through in your journey with the addict in your life? How do you possibly explain the feelings when you’re struggling with how to interpret and process them yourself? Is it possible to secure their support despite them not understanding where you’re coming from?
I discovered my husband's secret drug addiction about 6 weeks ago and now understand it's something that had been going on for at least the past 4 years of our relationship, though likely longer. He went to detox, a 30-day inpatient and has been home with me for the past 12 days (while doing an IOP and searching for full-time employment); he’s been sober for the past 46 days. I let my closest friends and family in on the traumatic discovery, hoping for (and really more so needing) their love and support while I'm going through the worst time of my life, trying to process everything that has happened, rediscover myself and decide what the future looks like for me. While my parents have given me unconditional love and support and thankfully stayed very neutral in our conversations, my friends are a different story. Over the last several weeks they have shifted their approach with me from “how are you doing?” to zero empathy and 100% judgement. We got together a week ago for what I thought was going to be a few hour escape from the nightmare my life has become and instead it turned out to be a planned ambush with my 4 closest friends going round-robin in piling on their thoughts about the situation, disagreeing with how I’m handling it and essentially just adding their own emotional baggage on top of the crushing weight I already am dealing with from my life blowing up in front of my eyes. This resulted in me sobbing uncontrollably in a restaurant and then me leaving without another word (like, you know, maybe “sorry”) exchanged.
It was devastating to say the least. And I do understand where they were coming from in that you feel a duty as a good friend to protect one another. I mean, I’d probably do the same thing if I were on their side of things. But, unfortunately, I’m over here on my super ****** side of things and I know how extremely unhelpful and hurtful their actions were. Since the ambush incident, two friends have reached out and apologized profusely, recognizing they acted in their own interests and not mine. The other two… radio silence. If there’s anything I’ve learned through having an addict in my life, it’s that I’m unable to control what another person says or does; however, I am heartbroken that two of my closest friends have not yet reached out. How do you handle something like this??
I discovered my husband's secret drug addiction about 6 weeks ago and now understand it's something that had been going on for at least the past 4 years of our relationship, though likely longer. He went to detox, a 30-day inpatient and has been home with me for the past 12 days (while doing an IOP and searching for full-time employment); he’s been sober for the past 46 days. I let my closest friends and family in on the traumatic discovery, hoping for (and really more so needing) their love and support while I'm going through the worst time of my life, trying to process everything that has happened, rediscover myself and decide what the future looks like for me. While my parents have given me unconditional love and support and thankfully stayed very neutral in our conversations, my friends are a different story. Over the last several weeks they have shifted their approach with me from “how are you doing?” to zero empathy and 100% judgement. We got together a week ago for what I thought was going to be a few hour escape from the nightmare my life has become and instead it turned out to be a planned ambush with my 4 closest friends going round-robin in piling on their thoughts about the situation, disagreeing with how I’m handling it and essentially just adding their own emotional baggage on top of the crushing weight I already am dealing with from my life blowing up in front of my eyes. This resulted in me sobbing uncontrollably in a restaurant and then me leaving without another word (like, you know, maybe “sorry”) exchanged.
It was devastating to say the least. And I do understand where they were coming from in that you feel a duty as a good friend to protect one another. I mean, I’d probably do the same thing if I were on their side of things. But, unfortunately, I’m over here on my super ****** side of things and I know how extremely unhelpful and hurtful their actions were. Since the ambush incident, two friends have reached out and apologized profusely, recognizing they acted in their own interests and not mine. The other two… radio silence. If there’s anything I’ve learned through having an addict in my life, it’s that I’m unable to control what another person says or does; however, I am heartbroken that two of my closest friends have not yet reached out. How do you handle something like this??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think you gotta let 'em be and keep your focus on your energy on what is right in front of you. not everyone understands, not everyone WANTS to understand. this may be a teachable moment, but they'll need to find their own teacher right now.
time takes time. take care of YOU right now.
time takes time. take care of YOU right now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
It's a painful discovery...in realizing that some people will get it and some won't; regardless of how close you've always been. Some just don't have it in them to understand and support. Some will choose sides. And yes, some will choose the side of the addict or it might seem like they are choosing sides. Rather than see the truth about the addiction, they can be in denial about it.
Perhaps they cannot believe your husband has this problem or don't believe the extent of it...because they only seen certain sides of him. They have not seen aspects you have. They are likely going on what they HAVE seen and if your husband has never mistreated them personally they may not get why you are being such "bad guy" in taking a stand like you have.
I can encourage you to remind yourself that YOU know the truth of the matter, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It's easy for them to look ON your life and judge from what they 'see'. But they don't SEE it all....they just don't. They are not walking in your shoes. I really don't like it when people judge others who have not walked in their shoes...but it's what we as humans have a tendency to do...I have to watch that and keep it check for myself...
I know you really need your friends' support right now....you need all the support you can get. But, they just might not be able to give it. They are limited. That's a harsh reality to come to terms with and yes it does hurt. Hang in there. Sometimes you feel like you get more support and understanding from a perfect stranger than you do family and friends.
Perhaps they cannot believe your husband has this problem or don't believe the extent of it...because they only seen certain sides of him. They have not seen aspects you have. They are likely going on what they HAVE seen and if your husband has never mistreated them personally they may not get why you are being such "bad guy" in taking a stand like you have.
I can encourage you to remind yourself that YOU know the truth of the matter, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It's easy for them to look ON your life and judge from what they 'see'. But they don't SEE it all....they just don't. They are not walking in your shoes. I really don't like it when people judge others who have not walked in their shoes...but it's what we as humans have a tendency to do...I have to watch that and keep it check for myself...
I know you really need your friends' support right now....you need all the support you can get. But, they just might not be able to give it. They are limited. That's a harsh reality to come to terms with and yes it does hurt. Hang in there. Sometimes you feel like you get more support and understanding from a perfect stranger than you do family and friends.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I learned through experiences like yours to save my sharing for meetings and here, with people who truly understood what I was going through.
Family and friends got important info that concerned them, like "he's gone to rehab and won't be back for 3 months".
But I learned to block any prying or judgement by keeping some pat phrases on hand, to use when I needed.
"I'm sorry, this is personal and I can't really discuss it right now. I'm fine thank you."
"That's a very personal question and one I'm not prepared to answer, I'm sure you understand."
"This isn't something I will discuss, it's personal and private."
"I am not comfortable talking about this, if you want to help me just be my friend/mother/cousins and understand that I am working through it.
You get the gist. People who haven't been through what we have been through cannot possible understand how we feel or know what we "should" do. Sometimes they mean well but it isn't something that they can help us with.
I think your friends were very rude and thoughtless to gang up on you like that, probably thinking they were doing an intervention...I hate that word...and even if they meant well, they were wrong and need to back off.
I lost some friends over my son's addiction. As I see it, friends who would turn their back on me at times like that aren't the kind of friends I want in my life anyway.
Family and friends got important info that concerned them, like "he's gone to rehab and won't be back for 3 months".
But I learned to block any prying or judgement by keeping some pat phrases on hand, to use when I needed.
"I'm sorry, this is personal and I can't really discuss it right now. I'm fine thank you."
"That's a very personal question and one I'm not prepared to answer, I'm sure you understand."
"This isn't something I will discuss, it's personal and private."
"I am not comfortable talking about this, if you want to help me just be my friend/mother/cousins and understand that I am working through it.
You get the gist. People who haven't been through what we have been through cannot possible understand how we feel or know what we "should" do. Sometimes they mean well but it isn't something that they can help us with.
I think your friends were very rude and thoughtless to gang up on you like that, probably thinking they were doing an intervention...I hate that word...and even if they meant well, they were wrong and need to back off.
I lost some friends over my son's addiction. As I see it, friends who would turn their back on me at times like that aren't the kind of friends I want in my life anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 254
Absolutely happened to me, too. A very close friend ... I thought she was supporting me and offering me someone to lean on. Until the day I listened to her advice and then didn't take it. It's like telling me what to do was filling some sick need of hers. Since then, she questions everything, every decision. When she asks how my son is doing, I really don't believe she cares. I believe she's hoping for some scandalous news. Maybe it makes her feel better (HER kid didn't do this). Whatever -- the one silver lining in this journey is that I've learned who my true friends are -- the ones who will listen and don't offer advice unless asked for it, and who don't presume to know best and don't take some moral high ground because this is happening to my family but not to theirs. I don't have time for negative people. I think your two friends who apologized are your true friends. The others? Not so much? I'm sending you a hug and best wishes...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,657
Hi there. As you your self said in your narrative- you cannot control other people. All you can do is accept what they do and what your thoughts/feelings and actions are. Informed choices with careful reflection make a better option than knee-jerk anxiety and paralysis. I think you are doing okay. Logical thought and emotions (are you know) do not balance at times. Everybody responds to the world on THEIR thoughts/feeling and actions. Every body has a different spin on their life. After all - who is the central focus of anybody? It has to be- for survival, themselves (unless they are someone I have never met or read about).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 30
Some people either from personal experience or social stigma have very strong feelings about addiction.
I'm sorry your friends weren't able to offer the support you were looking for.
I find I was expecting a lot from my friends in some cases and not communicating directly what I needed and wasn't looking for and it caused some friction.
Some of my friends I finally ended up letting them know I couldn't handle their judgements as I had already expressed I wasn't looking for them to fix anything but simply if possible listen if I needed to vent. Most people mean well and truly think they are looking out for us as friends even if the delivery misses the mark.
I'm sorry your friends weren't able to offer the support you were looking for.
I find I was expecting a lot from my friends in some cases and not communicating directly what I needed and wasn't looking for and it caused some friction.
Some of my friends I finally ended up letting them know I couldn't handle their judgements as I had already expressed I wasn't looking for them to fix anything but simply if possible listen if I needed to vent. Most people mean well and truly think they are looking out for us as friends even if the delivery misses the mark.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Bw,
I am sorry for your pain, on top of pain. Look at how much you have learned and changed (I can not control other people) from what you did know regarding addiction, not to long ago. Your friends are no different. You educated your self and learned from you own mistakes.
I am not down playing what your friends did to you, but be grateful that their lives havent been touched by this horrible addiction. They do not know. That's why you come to SR and get true compassion and understanding. We are living it, and we totally understand.
I have been trying for almost 2 1/2 years (divorced) to get my "mother" to stop sharing with me information about axh, and she can't grasp it. "He is the father of your kids, blah blah, blah". I am currently not speaking with her because she just won't stop. Some people will never understand. I guess we have to respect who they are and not share our personal stories, because expecting compassion is just not going to happen.
Keep moving forward, and always know we all understand on this forum. Hugs my friend, you keep working a program, you will be ok.
I am sorry for your pain, on top of pain. Look at how much you have learned and changed (I can not control other people) from what you did know regarding addiction, not to long ago. Your friends are no different. You educated your self and learned from you own mistakes.
I am not down playing what your friends did to you, but be grateful that their lives havent been touched by this horrible addiction. They do not know. That's why you come to SR and get true compassion and understanding. We are living it, and we totally understand.
I have been trying for almost 2 1/2 years (divorced) to get my "mother" to stop sharing with me information about axh, and she can't grasp it. "He is the father of your kids, blah blah, blah". I am currently not speaking with her because she just won't stop. Some people will never understand. I guess we have to respect who they are and not share our personal stories, because expecting compassion is just not going to happen.
Keep moving forward, and always know we all understand on this forum. Hugs my friend, you keep working a program, you will be ok.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
brokenwife,
I am sorry that your "friends" put you through this. At least two of them have realized their mistake and hopefully the others will come around eventually, but like you said -- you know that you have no control over that.
It is a difficult decision as to who to share with and who not. Like Ann, I share openly with others who are in the same or similar situations as they are the ones who will truly understand - SR and Nar-Anon meetings are my 100% safe places.
My daughter has been in a cycle of addiction, rehab, recovery, relapse, rehab, recovery, relapse, rehab, and her current round of recovery (10 months clean yesterday [heroin]). This cycle is about 3 years old now - this time, I am pretty sure she has "got it", but time will tell. I have no control over her actions just as you have none over your husband's actions.
Outside of my Nar-Anon home group and extended family, I have only shared "the truth" with about 15 people and that includes four pastors from my church.
I chose those 15 very carefully. AND, I was extremely lucky with the first person I told, unbeknownst to me, her first husband was an alcoholic, and she totally understood - she has been a wonderful supporting friend through this whole time.
I understand your need to share but, suggest finding a group like Nar-Anon, Alanon, CR, CoDA or the like to help you find peace with yourself.
Keep coming back,
Jim
I am sorry that your "friends" put you through this. At least two of them have realized their mistake and hopefully the others will come around eventually, but like you said -- you know that you have no control over that.
It is a difficult decision as to who to share with and who not. Like Ann, I share openly with others who are in the same or similar situations as they are the ones who will truly understand - SR and Nar-Anon meetings are my 100% safe places.
My daughter has been in a cycle of addiction, rehab, recovery, relapse, rehab, recovery, relapse, rehab, and her current round of recovery (10 months clean yesterday [heroin]). This cycle is about 3 years old now - this time, I am pretty sure she has "got it", but time will tell. I have no control over her actions just as you have none over your husband's actions.
Outside of my Nar-Anon home group and extended family, I have only shared "the truth" with about 15 people and that includes four pastors from my church.
I chose those 15 very carefully. AND, I was extremely lucky with the first person I told, unbeknownst to me, her first husband was an alcoholic, and she totally understood - she has been a wonderful supporting friend through this whole time.
I understand your need to share but, suggest finding a group like Nar-Anon, Alanon, CR, CoDA or the like to help you find peace with yourself.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I had friends who understood and were supportive, but I also had friends who just wanted me to leave the relationship no matter what, did not want to see me hurt and anymore. While in crisis mode, the only support I was willing to hear was from those that agreed with my thoughts and my logic. I distanced myself from those that were telling me things I did not see as supportive and those friendships quickly fell by the wayside. Slowly those friends who I saw as supportive began to fall by the wayside as the months, years passed, they grew tired of hearing me say the same things over and over again, hearing about the same hurts I was experiencing again and again.
Looking back now, I understand both sides of the issue and I understand both sides of the type of support I was receiving. Had I listened to those that were telling me to get out, end the relationship, heal the hurt and move on, I truly would have saved myself years of hurt, disappointment, stress, anxiety and pain. They clearly saw and understood what I was unable to see/feel at the time. The friends that gave me the kind of support I was seeking were elated when I finally did end the relationship, which also made me feel confused because after all they supported me in my choice to stay.
Bottom line, we all need all kinds of support during a crisis in our lives but we need to understand and accept that, that support is going to come in all kinds of ways like it or not…………..we take what we like and we leave the rest.
Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions and if we are asking them, well were going to hear it.
Al-anon is a safe place with people who are probably better understanding then our family/friends when it comes to dealing with addiction/alcoholism.
Looking back now, I understand both sides of the issue and I understand both sides of the type of support I was receiving. Had I listened to those that were telling me to get out, end the relationship, heal the hurt and move on, I truly would have saved myself years of hurt, disappointment, stress, anxiety and pain. They clearly saw and understood what I was unable to see/feel at the time. The friends that gave me the kind of support I was seeking were elated when I finally did end the relationship, which also made me feel confused because after all they supported me in my choice to stay.
Bottom line, we all need all kinds of support during a crisis in our lives but we need to understand and accept that, that support is going to come in all kinds of ways like it or not…………..we take what we like and we leave the rest.
Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions and if we are asking them, well were going to hear it.
Al-anon is a safe place with people who are probably better understanding then our family/friends when it comes to dealing with addiction/alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My advise is to go to a celebrate recovery or a support group to talk about it. You will get a wide variety of opinions from friends, chances are none of them are very educated about any of it. Support groups will give you face to face support with people who do truly get it.
And keep coming to SR! What a great support!
And keep coming to SR! What a great support!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Definitely get yourself to a support group, where the rule is: "We are here to support one another, not 'fix' one another".
You need that.
But...
You may just need advice as well?
My family was really pushy about me leaving. They had simply had enough of seeing my children and I suffer. They got to the point where they wouldn't even listen to my problems anymore. It was soooo hurftful. And I felt they didn't understand- which I'm sure they didn't, at least not completely. But I needed that. I needed them to give it to me straight.
One thing that always worries me on this forum (and I haven't seen you do this, so please don't take this personally) is when people put disclaimers at the top of their posts.
"First of all, I don't want to hear it's time to leave"
...or...
"I don't want to hear from people who left their addicts, only people who's addicts changed turned their lives around and they ended up happily ever after"
or...
"My addict is trying this new drug/rehab/therapy and I only want to hear from people who it's worked for, no one who it didn't"
It's very important not to filter advice. You can take what you feel is useful and leave the rest, but realize that everyone has something to offer, even those who have no experience in the matter. Some of my best advice came from people with no experience whatsoever in addiction. They simply saw that I was being abused and wouldn't stand for it.
Just my take.
I hope you find peace soon.
You need that.
But...
You may just need advice as well?
My family was really pushy about me leaving. They had simply had enough of seeing my children and I suffer. They got to the point where they wouldn't even listen to my problems anymore. It was soooo hurftful. And I felt they didn't understand- which I'm sure they didn't, at least not completely. But I needed that. I needed them to give it to me straight.
One thing that always worries me on this forum (and I haven't seen you do this, so please don't take this personally) is when people put disclaimers at the top of their posts.
"First of all, I don't want to hear it's time to leave"
...or...
"I don't want to hear from people who left their addicts, only people who's addicts changed turned their lives around and they ended up happily ever after"
or...
"My addict is trying this new drug/rehab/therapy and I only want to hear from people who it's worked for, no one who it didn't"
It's very important not to filter advice. You can take what you feel is useful and leave the rest, but realize that everyone has something to offer, even those who have no experience in the matter. Some of my best advice came from people with no experience whatsoever in addiction. They simply saw that I was being abused and wouldn't stand for it.
Just my take.
I hope you find peace soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Thank you everyone!
Wow, I am overwhelmed with all of your kind and thoughtful responses - THANK YOU so much! I can't tell you how much everything you've said means to me. After I posted last night, I completely lost it and crawled into bed to hibernate away from my life. I was feeling so incredibly alone and sad. It was also my 7 years dating anniversary with my husband, which I didn't even realize until 8pm as there isn't much to celebrate these days. I was just crushed by the weight of everything. And then to wake up and see this outpouring of support from you all - it's really turned me around today and I am so very thankful and appreciative.
Anvil - yes, thank you for the reminder. It is time to focus on and take care of myself.
teatree - "Sometimes you feel like you get more support and understanding from a perfect stranger than you do family and friends." Could not agree more and this thread is concrete proof of that, thank you!
Ann - I like your method in having some key phrases on hand to dissuade prying inquiries, I'm definitely pocketing a few of those for my own use. And yes, it absolutely felt like an "intervention" - very appreciative of your empathy here.
Cherry - thank you! As much as I wish this type of thing didn't happen to others, it's nice to know I'm not so alone and that others can relate. And yes, unfortunately or fortunately my 'true' friends are coming to light because of this.
Phoenix - so true that one's central focus is oneself. I think for my situation, it just seemed unfathomable to me that my closest friends were taking the worst thing that has ever happened to me and were making it about themselves. I get people being self-focused, but this one just seemed so extreme! And yet, it is human nature to act in such a way.
Wishful - "I find I was expecting a lot from my friends in some cases and not communicating directly what I needed and wasn't looking for and it caused some friction." Yup, exactly. After this incident, I've been thinking this a lot myself. I hate that it's come to a point where I need to explain this to close friends, but it seems like it has indeed come to that point.
dandylion - yes, I think they were trying to help me but didn't exactly think it through how what they said would make me feel.
maia - thank you, thank you - I am so happy to have found this forum and supportive people like yourself.
Jim - yes, thank you for the support and suggestion. I do need to try and find another nar-anon meeting; in the meantime, I am very thankful for this forum!
atalose - very true that we do need all kinds of support. As much as it hurt the way my friends handled their approach, I do understand it was important for me to hear what they had to say. I think I was so resistant in hearing it because most of it was stuff I've already recognized or researched myself that leaned toward the "flee this relationship immediately" angle. I am working on processing all of these different factors and at the end of the day, I want whatever resolution I reach to be the one that's best for me, not for my family, not for my friends, but for me. And it kind of felt like they were trying to speed-roll that process into the outcome they wanted that moment.
hopeful - SR is great support indeed, thank you!
Hechosedrugs - completely agree that it's important not to filter advice and I appreciate the reminder. Lately it feels like I might just die from being crushed by the weight of all my feelings, like this extra advice is going to be the final weight that does me in. It's all so new to me and I think I really could benefit from going to a face-to-face support group again.
Anvil - yes, thank you for the reminder. It is time to focus on and take care of myself.
teatree - "Sometimes you feel like you get more support and understanding from a perfect stranger than you do family and friends." Could not agree more and this thread is concrete proof of that, thank you!
Ann - I like your method in having some key phrases on hand to dissuade prying inquiries, I'm definitely pocketing a few of those for my own use. And yes, it absolutely felt like an "intervention" - very appreciative of your empathy here.
Cherry - thank you! As much as I wish this type of thing didn't happen to others, it's nice to know I'm not so alone and that others can relate. And yes, unfortunately or fortunately my 'true' friends are coming to light because of this.
Phoenix - so true that one's central focus is oneself. I think for my situation, it just seemed unfathomable to me that my closest friends were taking the worst thing that has ever happened to me and were making it about themselves. I get people being self-focused, but this one just seemed so extreme! And yet, it is human nature to act in such a way.
Wishful - "I find I was expecting a lot from my friends in some cases and not communicating directly what I needed and wasn't looking for and it caused some friction." Yup, exactly. After this incident, I've been thinking this a lot myself. I hate that it's come to a point where I need to explain this to close friends, but it seems like it has indeed come to that point.
dandylion - yes, I think they were trying to help me but didn't exactly think it through how what they said would make me feel.
maia - thank you, thank you - I am so happy to have found this forum and supportive people like yourself.
Jim - yes, thank you for the support and suggestion. I do need to try and find another nar-anon meeting; in the meantime, I am very thankful for this forum!
atalose - very true that we do need all kinds of support. As much as it hurt the way my friends handled their approach, I do understand it was important for me to hear what they had to say. I think I was so resistant in hearing it because most of it was stuff I've already recognized or researched myself that leaned toward the "flee this relationship immediately" angle. I am working on processing all of these different factors and at the end of the day, I want whatever resolution I reach to be the one that's best for me, not for my family, not for my friends, but for me. And it kind of felt like they were trying to speed-roll that process into the outcome they wanted that moment.
hopeful - SR is great support indeed, thank you!
Hechosedrugs - completely agree that it's important not to filter advice and I appreciate the reminder. Lately it feels like I might just die from being crushed by the weight of all my feelings, like this extra advice is going to be the final weight that does me in. It's all so new to me and I think I really could benefit from going to a face-to-face support group again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
brokenwife.....
So sorry for what you had to go through.
In my experience (AS) who is the addict.......so many and I mean many! feel that it is their choice to be an addict and as such they have no sympathy for what you are going through...
Continue prayers for a wonderful outcome in your journey...
So sorry for what you had to go through.
In my experience (AS) who is the addict.......so many and I mean many! feel that it is their choice to be an addict and as such they have no sympathy for what you are going through...
Continue prayers for a wonderful outcome in your journey...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 15
Sorry for ranting a little if I do. Hearing stories like this tends to really upset me; I hate how careless people can be, especially the people who are supposed to be close and easy to talk to.
The sad thing about "friends" and family, is that, like you said, they tend to think in their best interest. They try to fix and push instead of support. They're not in your situation, they most likely never were in your situation; they don't know how it's like, but you can bet your ass if they WERE, they'd be doing the same thing you were.
I remember when my partner of six years left me for drugs, and I needed someone to talk to so bad, and no one would talk to me. I literally lost all of my friends because no one wanted to take a little time out of their day. One day my Aunt piped up and told me that I needed to suck it up, that I’d never been in a REAL trauma, and that I need to find a love like her. Thanks, Aunt. I’m so happy that someone who has never been in a trauma before herself, or ever faced heartbreak (she married her first bf), completely understands what a trauma entails. You totally know what you’re talking about.
You find out who your true friends are in situations like this.
It's incredible how all of these people think it's acceptable to openly judge someone who's been with a partner for god knows how many years, because you found out recently they're having problems...even when they're trying to fix them.
Oh, what? He got addicted to drugs? He doesn’t matter then, nor do your feelings for him. Better leave him IMMEDIATELY! Let's ambush her and make her cry in a restaurant in public, that will help! Forget the many years you were with him; they mean absolutely nothing!
Sigh.
In my days of recovery, I found it best to just talk to people here, in support groups, or to find one good friend who you could really trust, who really understood you and stuck with you to talk to you. No one else really understands, or wants to try to understand. No one really has empathy until it happens to them. Don’t feel bad, a lot of people have been in your situation, drug wise and jerk friend/family wise.
It will be OK, don’t let them bring you down; don’t feel bad for wanting to talk to someone, and I hope you take comfort in knowing that we are always here to listen. I feel like after finding support here, and in groups, my recovery rate increased dramatically.
The sad thing about "friends" and family, is that, like you said, they tend to think in their best interest. They try to fix and push instead of support. They're not in your situation, they most likely never were in your situation; they don't know how it's like, but you can bet your ass if they WERE, they'd be doing the same thing you were.
I remember when my partner of six years left me for drugs, and I needed someone to talk to so bad, and no one would talk to me. I literally lost all of my friends because no one wanted to take a little time out of their day. One day my Aunt piped up and told me that I needed to suck it up, that I’d never been in a REAL trauma, and that I need to find a love like her. Thanks, Aunt. I’m so happy that someone who has never been in a trauma before herself, or ever faced heartbreak (she married her first bf), completely understands what a trauma entails. You totally know what you’re talking about.
You find out who your true friends are in situations like this.
It's incredible how all of these people think it's acceptable to openly judge someone who's been with a partner for god knows how many years, because you found out recently they're having problems...even when they're trying to fix them.
Oh, what? He got addicted to drugs? He doesn’t matter then, nor do your feelings for him. Better leave him IMMEDIATELY! Let's ambush her and make her cry in a restaurant in public, that will help! Forget the many years you were with him; they mean absolutely nothing!
Sigh.
In my days of recovery, I found it best to just talk to people here, in support groups, or to find one good friend who you could really trust, who really understood you and stuck with you to talk to you. No one else really understands, or wants to try to understand. No one really has empathy until it happens to them. Don’t feel bad, a lot of people have been in your situation, drug wise and jerk friend/family wise.
It will be OK, don’t let them bring you down; don’t feel bad for wanting to talk to someone, and I hope you take comfort in knowing that we are always here to listen. I feel like after finding support here, and in groups, my recovery rate increased dramatically.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I'm of the opinion that you have to allow your family and friends to think and feel whatever it is they're thinking and feeling. That will be tough for you in some ways, as I'm sure you want their understanding and support. On the other hand, by allowing them to think and feel what they wish frees you up to focus on what you should be focusing on:
You.
You.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Thank you Plink, Erza and zoso!
Plink - when my husband's addiction was revealed, I truly knew nothing about drugs and addiction. After a few days of total shock and inability to leave the house, I found my way to the bookstore and bought 8 books on addiction and 1 self-help type of book for overcoming change you didn't ask for. I had this desperate need to understand all I could about addiction and what my husband had been going through and what his future could look like. I tore through those 8 books and then got around to the one that was focused on helping me. I discovered the tv show 'Intervention' and binge-watched every episode I could find related to my husband's drugs of choice. When I started seeing my therapist a week later, I confessed to her my obsession with researching everything I could about drug addiction. I was a bit embarrassed because I was so clearly not focusing on me. She reassured me that what I was doing was a very common reaction after experiencing a trauma. And I am glad I did all of that research because it has been so helpful in understanding that my husband had become a slave to something he could not control and that his (unfavorable) actions were not intentionally carried out to hurt me (but they did still happen, and that's something I am processing now). It's hard to explain all of that to someone who hasn't done the research themselves, but I know what I know now and I'm grateful for that knowledge.
Erza - I appreciate your rant!
Especially this part; I've thought the exact same thing countless times since their ambush:
"The sad thing about "friends" and family, is that, like you said, they tend to think in their best interest. They try to fix and push instead of support. They're not in your situation, they most likely never were in your situation; they don't know how it's like, but you can bet your ass if they WERE, they'd be doing the same thing you were."
It all just seems like such an evil extra twist right now, like dealing with the loss of the life I thought I had and the loss of the future I thought I had isn't enough... let's also add on the loss of the friends and support I thought I had too.
zoso - yes, believe me I know now more than I ever did before that my family and friends are going to think and feel whatever they think and feel. I just hope they can respect my wishes to not have those thoughts and feelings thrown at me right now, because I truly cannot handle them on top of everything else. How one can hear these things and not be affected by them, I just don't know... I'm nowhere near that place in my recovery journey.
Plink - when my husband's addiction was revealed, I truly knew nothing about drugs and addiction. After a few days of total shock and inability to leave the house, I found my way to the bookstore and bought 8 books on addiction and 1 self-help type of book for overcoming change you didn't ask for. I had this desperate need to understand all I could about addiction and what my husband had been going through and what his future could look like. I tore through those 8 books and then got around to the one that was focused on helping me. I discovered the tv show 'Intervention' and binge-watched every episode I could find related to my husband's drugs of choice. When I started seeing my therapist a week later, I confessed to her my obsession with researching everything I could about drug addiction. I was a bit embarrassed because I was so clearly not focusing on me. She reassured me that what I was doing was a very common reaction after experiencing a trauma. And I am glad I did all of that research because it has been so helpful in understanding that my husband had become a slave to something he could not control and that his (unfavorable) actions were not intentionally carried out to hurt me (but they did still happen, and that's something I am processing now). It's hard to explain all of that to someone who hasn't done the research themselves, but I know what I know now and I'm grateful for that knowledge.
Erza - I appreciate your rant!
Especially this part; I've thought the exact same thing countless times since their ambush:"The sad thing about "friends" and family, is that, like you said, they tend to think in their best interest. They try to fix and push instead of support. They're not in your situation, they most likely never were in your situation; they don't know how it's like, but you can bet your ass if they WERE, they'd be doing the same thing you were."
It all just seems like such an evil extra twist right now, like dealing with the loss of the life I thought I had and the loss of the future I thought I had isn't enough... let's also add on the loss of the friends and support I thought I had too.
zoso - yes, believe me I know now more than I ever did before that my family and friends are going to think and feel whatever they think and feel. I just hope they can respect my wishes to not have those thoughts and feelings thrown at me right now, because I truly cannot handle them on top of everything else. How one can hear these things and not be affected by them, I just don't know... I'm nowhere near that place in my recovery journey.
Last edited by brokenwife15; 02-15-2017 at 08:23 AM. Reason: typo
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
