Lost Wife

Old 02-13-2017, 01:07 PM
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Lost Wife

Very new to this process and find myself extremely lost.
My husband finally agreed to rehab, and has been in rehab for a week now. The first two days he seemed very positive and upbeat. He seemed to like the facility and made "friends" quickly. However, as the days passed he became so withdrawn and mentioned last night he was very depressed that the Dr said he had so much depression according to him.
I have been attending counseling for a long time and he has been categorized a narcissist. I have learned so much about this and feel like he's getting worse in there.
He stopped going to the diner for meals and mentions he's not sure if he's coming home. We have ongoing issues with his son (14); was caught doing drugs and stopped going to school. Mom has him since my husband went to rehab being that I kicked my husband out a couple days before agreed to rehab. My husband asks if his son is coming home as well and I mentioned he needed help as well. All he would say is I need my son.
I'm so lost and confused since he's been there, I feel the need to be institutionalized for my sanity as well. I'm dealing with everyday life stress; bills, our bank account is missing $2,400 because he lost his debit card, dealing with insurance companies and his job not to mention we still have my daughter home and I have a full time job. It's stressful and hard to manage sometimes.
The center offers visitations everyday from 6-8 and it's about a 45 minute drive. I have been very supportive and visit him daily. He asks I bring chew along with other goods for his "friends". The first day I felt so angry, he reclined back and said it was like being on vacation without the water at the ocean. Really?!! While I deal with his load and mine?
There are days I am very positive and think he'll pull through, other days I feel like exhausted. I'm not sure he should move back home with his son or allow him to leave. This does not include the drama I am dealing with the ex!
He's been admitted for alcoholism, no clue how long he'll be in there still. He appears so over medicated, a zombie. It tears me up to see him this way.
Someone please guide me and offer some advice.
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Old 02-13-2017, 01:28 PM
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greenaggie.....I suggest that you take this time, while he is in rehab. to take the time for yourself. You sound like you are worn down to a nubbin. (an aggie knows what a nubbin is..lol)....

He is in a place that is structured, with lots of attention and therapy focused on him.
I think that the long drive to and back, and the emotional turmoil that y ou have is unnecessarily too hard on YOU!

I always think that a sober living place is best after rehab if it is possible. I don't think that immediate return to the home makes it harder on everyone.
The son is with his mother. ***He doesn't need his son---his son needs a sober father.

More will be revealed, as time goes on. Meanwhile, take a break and focus on yourself.
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Old 02-13-2017, 01:51 PM
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Welcome to SR, greenaggie; I am so sorry for what brings you here.
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Old 02-13-2017, 02:53 PM
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CORRECTION....I mean to say..".I DO think that immediate return to the home makes it hard on everybody"
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Old 02-13-2017, 03:17 PM
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welcome!

it's only been ONE WEEK.....absolutely nothing is fixed and everyone is in emotional tumult right now. what you see and feel today will not be the same tomorrow, a month from now or a year from now. your AH is going thru withdrawals and is no longer under the influence. they may have him on medication to help ease the w/d symptoms. to be frank, right now he doesn't know his backside from a hole in the ground. this is not the time to back big decisions, NOR to take anything he says seriously. he needs more time to settle down and sort things out.

you do not have to "let" either of them back home right now. in fact, it is probably best for all concerned that you do NOT. the son needs help, and the AH needs additional time to learn how to live as a sober man and not turn to drugs or alcohol when the going gets tough. he needs to feel his feelings, deal with a bad day, learn which IS his backside and which IS the hole in the ground!

his needs are no more important than yours. EVER. remember that.
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Old 02-13-2017, 03:23 PM
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Im sorry for what your experiencing. my husband had a bad time in rehab and we actually got him out of it eventually. But its not been long and there is so e shock hat goes with all this. lots of emotions and its hard. stay strong and try to care for yourself right now. see how things go with a little more time.
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Old 02-13-2017, 03:25 PM
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Hi greenaggie - I'm so sorry you're in this position. I can relate...when my now-exAH went to rehab, I was thinking, "what about all the stress I'VE been through??? Where's *my* support???"

Is it possible for you to not visit him for a while? I've recently learned the real value in putting on my own oxygen mask first, like they say on the airplanes.
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Old 02-13-2017, 03:28 PM
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Ugh, how hard. I'm so sorry.

I would trust your instincts that are telling you he's becoming more self-centered in treatment...while it's absolutely true that he needs to focus on his recovery, that's different than just focusing on himself.
Maybe it's just too early for him to be counseled to look at how his behavior has affected others...but keep listening to your gut.

Also...yes, I'm a terrible cynic, but he wouldn't be the first person in rehab to exaggerate or fabricate what the therapists are telling him in order to make himself look more like a victim.

Take care of you. If you only have the energy to go once a week or don't want to go at all, given your valid ambivalence about the relationship, that's your prerogative.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 02-13-2017, 03:46 PM
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Welcome to SR, greenaggie. I'm glad you found us but sorry for your trouble.
Couple of things. I would consider visiting him less often. Give yourself a break.
Also, it's nice that you bring him things to im prove his comfort, but you do not have to be his friends'supplier as well. A firm "no" on that one should suffice. Don't explain, justify, defend, just....no.
Your husband is, hopefully, getting the help he needs. Use his time away to get the help you need.
What is your work situation? Can you take some time off? Sounds a few nights of good sleep would help, as would a loosening of some of your responsibilities.
You may have to eat the missing money. Do you have an emergency credit line or savings to tide you over?
I don't know what to say about his son. Probably keeping the situation status quo is a way to go for now, despite your husband's desire to have him live with him.
Good luck. This will pass.
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Old 02-14-2017, 07:00 AM
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I will offer my opinion, take it for what it is. One, visiting him every day is ridiculous. He needs to focus on why he is there and decide if he is going to work the program, or not.

You need to focus on you. His son is w/his mom, at this time that is likely the best situation. If he needs his son, he can contact his son himself. Yes, the daily life of it all is overwhelming. I am a single mom with two kids with an XAH who does NOTHING. We are all sick, and I am telling you I don't know if I am coming or going. However, my mom gave me good advise. Make a list, and just take it one thing at a time. Don't be overwhelmed with what you have to do tomorrow, just do today, this one task, right now.

He is in the right place if he is depressed. This is nothing they have not witnessed before, and may just be manipulation. Thing is, bad actions have consequences. Not everyone is going to be overjoyed to suffer those consequences. That means, he has to come to that his own behavior has caused this. He can pick up and move forward in life, or sit at rehab and cry about it. That sounds harsh, but it's reality.

In the mean time, work on you. Get a counselor and some face to face support for YOU. You deserve that. Step back and let him figure himself out.

Hugs to you.
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