elnotcho

I know I'm an alcoholic. I've drank heavily for almost 20 years nearly everyday. I've avoided a lot of social contact (not social media but real face to face) because of my problem. I wake up thinking about my problem and go to bed thinking about my problem. By mid day, I'm thinking about my problem through a different lens. How to get away with it without anyone noticing. It's a cycle of regret, pleasure, fear, and then regret again. I have had zero health problems in 20 years of drinking. But I'm terrified of the doctor and will not go. I hold down a good job with an above average income and never drink while I'm on the job. The only people that know are a few of my family members and my drinking buddies. It's a frustrating thing to wake up and say never again and then double down when I get home from work. I'd love some advice. I'm very ashamed of myself and worried about my health.

Hevyn

Welcome elnotcho.

I know how you feel. When I first came here I'd been drinking 30 yrs. & was completely dependent on it. I was isolating, too. It was was no longer fun or pleasurable for me. The regrets, remorse, & guilt far outweighed any enjoyment I got.

Please don't be ashamed - everyone here understands what you're going through. We're here to encourage & support you as you get free.

elnotcho

The worst part to me is the lying. It tears me up because that's not who I am. And to the people I do that to, it's very uncomfortable and painful to me. I don't want to hide and deceive anymore. Hiding beer cans, my trash. Faking being sober. I'm sick of it.

Poppy79

One of the hardest yet most freeing steps I took last November was to admit openly to family, friends, colleagues (including my boss who is also a friend) that I had a huge problem with alcohol. Maybe I am lucky in that no one judged me (most had an inkling) and was very supportive.
I personally couldn't stop on my own, tried 1000's of times and by the 2nd day was back to square 1. So I went to rehab for 3 weeks. 94 days sober now, nearly at double digits. The last time I have been sober for this long was before I started drinking, so early teens.
Maybe telling some one close to you and then another, might make the journey to sobriety easier for you also?

PhoenixJ

Hello and welcome Eln. Well you have insight and awareness, you have not lost anything (yet) in your life. Do something about it- proactively. If your car is broken- you find out a good mechanic, check quotes, budget for it. Drinking is like that too. Just feeling crap about it does not make anything change. Go and see your doctor. Just do it. Go to an AA meeting. Do something.
I wish I had the resources of SR when I was like you. Now years later after losing EVERYTHING, I follow my own shared advice. My thoughts and support to you.
PJ

Mattq2

Elnotcho,
I could be you. All of it lying,hiding, trying to juggle the career with the drinking it's exhausting. It doesn't have to be that way though. The shame will go away I promise. You just have to be determined to quit and turn things around. You will start to like who you are. It just starts with day one. You have to get a plan and stick to it. It sucks no doubt and it's hard. After awhile it gets easier and the pain stops. You can do it my friend.

elnotcho

That would be incredibly hard. But possible. I have to work, but I can do it remotely because of the nature of my job. I'm in a family run business. They would definitely support me. Admitting defeat when I assured them again and again that I could handle it. I can lie to myself again tomorrow morning, but really, 20 years of this and still I'm buying a case of beer a day. It's obviously a problem I don't have a good handle on.

elnotcho

I made a step to reach out to people that do not want this. It was hard to even go through the process of signing up for the site. But I'm glad I did. I'm not alone.

dwtbd

Finding an signing on to SR is a great first step, great community here , tons of support and experience to share, welcome aboard. Come back often, read, post , ask, and come back often. Definitely not alone You Can Do This

Mattq2

Man please don't be ashamed. Ask for help. Every one of us needed some kind of help and support to get sober. Glad your here it's a big start

Mklove

I dodged a bullet. 30 + years of drinking and when the Dr told me my liver was suffering I stopped. Most damage has healed, amazing liver if it has a chance.

Dee74

I think a lot of us come here ashamed and not really knowing how to quit ElNotcho - but you;ll find support and understanding here.

A case a day sounds a lot, but I'm an Aussie - a case/carton here is 24 beers.

Even if it's not at that level, I still think drinking heavily every night means you really should talk to a doctor before you quit - just to be sure all is well and you won't run into problems in detox. You could go to another Dr if your regular one would be too embarrassing?

D

elnotcho

I've moved up to close to a case. Which is 24 in America. I was at 12, went to 18 and now am pushing 20. I drink very light beers (Miller Lite) because I don't want to gain weight. I see myself spirally out of control. Which is why I'm here. My body can go a few days with no alcohol without a medical problem. No tremors or stuff like that. Sleeping can be a problem though. I'm a big guy 6'3", 240 lbs and I have a high tolerance for almost anything. I just want to be done with it so I can move on in my life.

Dee74

I stopped drinking at 40 - can't recommend it enough elnotcho.

Noone can make you go to a Dr
If you think you'll be fine, go for day one?

D

elnotcho

I'm actually 39. I was talking about my progression at number of beers. 6, 12, 18, 20. That's way too much. I was scared of cold turkey but I don't seem to have a problem with that other than a sleepless night or two but a few Advil PMs do the trick. I love the time when I'm off alcohol. I feel better, liberated. But the drive to drink brings me back in every time when I'm by myself. It's hard to describe the temptation.

STDragon

Hi Elnotcho, you pretty much described me (Although some years younger). Good for you for reaching out. Look forward to seeing more posts. I couldn't go to a DR either when drinking, I felt to ashamed.

DesertTraveler

At least you are being honest with yourself and owning up to being an alcoholic. That's the first step, but one some never make it to -- they continue denying they have a problem and just brush it off.

Your other remarks really hit a chord with me too, elnotcho. One reason I drank for so long was that I was self-medicating. Depression, anger, other issues. The alcohol "helped," especially with the horrible social anxiety. At least that is how it started. Then I started avoiding parties and gatherings because I knew that I would get drunk and act like a bloody idiot and embarrass my wife. I did not want it to be apparent to everyone how big of a problem drinker I was. And this led to isolation.

Also, the obsessive thoughts in the morning and at night. I have these all the time, but alcohol made this much worse. Thinking about who I called or texted while drinking, what I said, how they took it. Thinking about all the things I could do with the money I was blowing on whisky, etc.

Wishing you luck in your sober journey.

elnotcho

Thanks man. I was never a total social recluse. But I never felt good about myself even as a teenager before I had my first drink. I liked being by myself. I used alcohol to be more outgoing. I was funny and generally fun, but I was a bully when I was intoxicated. I was big and strong and would fight anyone, even groups of people. Too many bad incidents to name if I could remember them all. After the last incident at which I was arrested, I just backed off completely from a social life. I knew my anger and belligerence while drinking. I don't pick up a drink when I may be in a situation like that. At my size and strength, who knows what could happen? So I've kept to myself but never stopped drinking. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a good heart and love everyone. But I can snap in a heartbeat at someone I don't know, almost always when I've been drinking. That's why I've walled myself off.

Dee74

Yeah I knew they weren't ages - no worries

I was literally nearly dead at 40 yo...50's just around the corner and it's looking good

If I can do it, with the help of the community here, anyone can

D

elnotcho

I'm just thankful for the forum. I just have never have been able to let out my true feelings and thoughts without the worry of being looked down upon. Truly the first social media site that I can say what I'm going through and no one's going to judge.