Melissa1217

Day 8.

Now my feelings are coming back.

Alot of stuff is coming up I can't deal with.

Recently my way of coping, stuffing it with alcohol, has ceased working, hence my membership here.

I now want to tell the neighbor from my yesterday what an obnoxious pain in the ass she is, call my sister who I haven't spoken to in years exactly what she did that caused me to cut her off, and basically make a list of everyone who's taken advantage or hurt me and tell them all what pieces of crap they are.

I get hurt easily. I know this. But I have never been this off the angry in my life.

How do healthy people handle this? I have no clue.

Any input/wisdom out there would be appreciated.

Ariesagain

Beat the living daylights out of your mattress and/or pillow.

Drive out to a secluded place and scream your head off.

Write letters to each one of them...and then burn them.

Get in a really tough workout. Everything is better after an hour of exercise.

This is really common...I certainly went through it and more than once.

Sending you a hug.

Melissa1217

Okay, thank you

I want to cry, scream, and tell everyone to take a flying F for themselves simultaneously.

I'm going into the other room, where I won't scare my dogs, and beat my bed to a pulp

entropy1964

I have had periods of not drinking where I was very angry. I mean very angry...willing to fight someone and I'm tiny. Not caring if I end up in a body cast angry.

Have you considered a program? Not just to help you with not drinking, but to help live life without alcohol? I attend AA and I think it is a very good program. Of course, its up to me to work the program, it doesn't work 'on' me, but it helps.

For now take it easy. Write that list of all that is pissing you off. But I strongly suggest a holding pattern right now. If you do have a connection with God, pray for guidance.

I have learned that pausing, rather than reacting, is always the best choice. ALWAYS. Most of the time I am very grateful I didn't act on my first impulses...which usually suck.

You're doing great. Hang in there.

Melissa1217

Thank very much. So far my morning is a mini nightmare- don't drink, pick up the phone to vent on my neighbor, don't drink, put the phone down...

I have never been this absolutely nuts in my life. Im just at my wit's end.

Aellyce

I was often very irritable in my first month of sobriety and it scared me because it felt very out of character for me. Including being intensely angry at the crowd on the street, people getting in my way while walking, even the weather (as though the wind was something I could fight with). I could contain it for the most part but it was very uncomfortable. Vigorous exercise and developing good eating/sleeping habits were what I found most helpful (to be more emotionally balanced, not just for anger) and also knowing it was most likely my brain going through phases of change. I decided to approach it as I did my frequent and intense cravings for alcohol: just sitting with it, viewing the anger/irritation, letting it be and then go. It was really quite similar to cravings for me, would never last very long at a time and come in cycles. It dissipated with time just like the cravings but I found it helpful to acknowledge my anger also - something I tended to avoid and suppress while drinking. It also helped to talk about it with people I trusted and who could even endure my displaced frustrations at times.

As for healthy way of handling/using anger: I find it can be very energizing sometimes and a good antidote to anxiety and fear. If channeled correctly, it can be a great source of motivation to change or improve something.

D122y

Melissa,

My nerves were fried. It was horrible in the early days.

The periods of stress, came in waves through the day. I had times throughout the day where i found peace.

I was freaking out at 80 days clean. I was in rough shape.

I could tell though, it was getting better every moment. I knew drinking would reset the clock.

I suffered, drug free, for well over 18 months. It wasn't horrible suffering. It was more like uncomfortable feelings as time went on.

Just so you know.

Thanks.

Ariesagain

Take your dogs for a long walk. If you run into anyone you might want to clobber, hold up your best "oh no you didn't" hand and just say, "not today" and keep moving.

Your dogs will love it and you will be slightly less homicidal because they are happy.

It's -1 F windchill here and I'm about to follow my own advice because I'm a tad stressed out myself!

Melissa1217

Thank you all! I actually shoved the dogs in the car and we're now at the dog park.

I don't know how I'm going to do this.

I'm so alone.

I'll try one day at a time.

fgo

Melissa,
Your not alone, you've got the support of thousands of people that understand what your going through. SR. I know I get stuck in my thoughts and it just builds on itself. Learning to be mindful about my thoughts has helped, it takes practice.

BrendaChenowyth

You have to let them come up and sit with them. Write, cry, talk to a sober friend, but don't confront people. Exercise, clean your house, make something, keep busy and distracted doing anything that burns off the bottled up energy.

The most important thing I had to learn in early sobriety was that my emotions are my choice. No one triggers me, and no one deserves to take the brunt of my anger. I have to learn to deal with things on my own. Feelings pass. They can't hurt me.

If I run to something numbing every time they come up, I will never learn to deal with them. But I don't have to DO anything. I just have to stop resisting, stop labeling emotions as terrible, unpleasant, and unwanted, and let them come up. There's nothing wrong with them, they can't hurt me, and I don't have to hurt another person or myself or be destructive.

Aellyce

Distractions can be good, Melissa. Do things and try to focus on the act instead of your feelings too much. Dog walk sounds great I got two cats when I was well into my sobriety in part to focus on something engaging around me at home (I was living on my own at the time) and they have turned out to be such an effective calming influence and distraction from what goes on in my own head.

biminiblue

Those spinning emotions are all part of early sobriety, Melissa. Hang on and get through it moment by moment if necessary.

Have you thought about face to face recovery meetings? I went every day for the first few months and it was good for getting me out of my own head...hearing other peoples' struggles and understanding mine a little better. Early sobriety is uncomfortable and emotions are raw. I kept saying, "I want to crawl out of my own skin."

Also, petting the fur off a pet is helpful. I would sit with my cat and just focus on him and stroking him and enjoying him. It's really therapeutic, for you both.

Melissa1217

I'm bookmarking this thread so I can easily come back to it when I'm stressed.

There's a sticky with a warning about threads that trigger others, so I won't go in to just how much despair and hopelessness I'm feeling.

Suffice it to say that my family is gone, and I'm having trouble finding reason to struggle anymore, do I sincerely appreciate your help.

Thank you

biminiblue

Melissa, all my family is gone, too. I'm single.

I get the hopelessness and despair. You can and will make it through this.

It's okay to write about anything you want to say here - this is a safe place. Early sobriety is really difficult, no two ways around it - emotions come up that are painful, losses and unresolved anger and guilt and shame and all of it.

We are here and we have been there. It is going to get better!! Honest!

If you feel like you want to hurt yourself, please reach out in real life for help, a church, a hospital, call the AA phone number, go to a meeting, call a crisis hotline. There is help. ((hug))

Melissa1217

Thank you. I just don't know why this happened to me. The drinking, the isolation...

This was not "me". I don't know how I got so lost.

I'm hoping there really is a God, and that somehow I will wake up from this nightmare.

biminiblue

I just started eating breakfast. Food always helps. Have you eaten in the last few hours? Try that, it helps.

And I would have never made it without prayer. I believe God listens when we cry out to Him. It is His great desire that we do so, and it will always be answered.

BrendaChenowyth

First of all, no. YOU are here to open up and get support from others. You are not responsible for the emotions you trigger in other people, as long as it's about YOU. Now, it's another thing if you post a reply to someone's thread or you post thread that goes along the lines of telling people their approach to recovery is wrong, for example.. don't attack others. But you aren't doing that. So post away here. It's your thread.

BrendaChenowyth

You know it's not you because you know deep down you deserve better, you are better than this. That's a huge positive step, Melissa!

We can start creating the life we want today, nothing is stopping us. It will be a slow journey. But we're putting the past behind us.

Fly N Buy

I tired dealing with resentments on my own terms for years - I drank AT them. In the rooms we learn healthy ways to deal with our resentments and emotions. We focus on our part mostly. Not a plug, just my experience.

Some find a way in AA others find different paths. Regardless - you're at a pretty good starting point by posting here.