Engaged to a high functioning alocholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
Engaged to a high functioning alocholic
My fiancé is a high functioning alcoholic and refuses to admit it and get help. He used to just go to his cousins house on Saturdays and drink but it's now a 2-3 night a week thing, usually during the week. He goes to the bar after work and gets so drunk he ends up sleeping in his car. He works an hour away from our home so he just goes straight to work. He drinks alone, besides for the drinking buddies he's made at the bar.
We have a 9 month old baby together and I am a stay at home mom. I know the stress of everything has made him feel like he needs to "escape" by going out and drinking his problems away. We are struggling financially and instead of dealing with the problem he would rather go drink his problems away. I suspect that he's depressed and self medicating.
I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel like a single mother. He's never here. I'm unhappy and I feel so alone. I'm the only one who knows he even has a drinking problem, our families have no idea.
He doesn't call to tell me he's not coming home, it's just at the point where I assume he's not. When I talk to him he just gets defensive. He's always been a closed book and not very open about his feelings, but he refuses to talk to me about anything.
Once he called me when he was drunk and said how he feels like a failure and that he's not and never will be good enough for me. He went on about how he's a ****** father and he knows I'm going to find someone who will treat me and our baby better.
I can't deal with this for much longer. I'm not ready to leave him but soon my child will be at the age where they understand what's going on and I'm not ok with that.
I know this post is kind of all over the place but I am really just at a loss of what to do.
We have a 9 month old baby together and I am a stay at home mom. I know the stress of everything has made him feel like he needs to "escape" by going out and drinking his problems away. We are struggling financially and instead of dealing with the problem he would rather go drink his problems away. I suspect that he's depressed and self medicating.
I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel like a single mother. He's never here. I'm unhappy and I feel so alone. I'm the only one who knows he even has a drinking problem, our families have no idea.
He doesn't call to tell me he's not coming home, it's just at the point where I assume he's not. When I talk to him he just gets defensive. He's always been a closed book and not very open about his feelings, but he refuses to talk to me about anything.
Once he called me when he was drunk and said how he feels like a failure and that he's not and never will be good enough for me. He went on about how he's a ****** father and he knows I'm going to find someone who will treat me and our baby better.
I can't deal with this for much longer. I'm not ready to leave him but soon my child will be at the age where they understand what's going on and I'm not ok with that.
I know this post is kind of all over the place but I am really just at a loss of what to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
I will add he pissed his pants while sleeping in his car last week. It was a new low for him and he even said "I'm not drinking anymore" because it was so humiliating and he missed work because he had to come home and shower.
It lasted a whole 5 days with no drinking, so even though I thought that would be rock bottom apparently it wasn't.
It lasted a whole 5 days with no drinking, so even though I thought that would be rock bottom apparently it wasn't.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi NA, I'm sorry you're coping with this at a time when your focus as a family should be enjoying a gorgeous baby. Your AH is missing out on a wonderful time, and you aren't getting the support and companionship you deserve.
If you have a look around SR, and read the stickies at the top of this forum you can educate yourself about alcoholism. It's important you know what you're dealing with. For whatever reason he's not ready to face his demons and change, and you can't force him. At some point he might decide to stop drinking, but it will have to come from him, not you.
Your focus can move away from him and towards yourself and the baby. Consider going to Al-anon, which is for the families of As, and you'll meet many people in the same situation.
I suggest you stop participating in the conspiracy of silence about your AH. You don't have to shout it from the rooftops, but you can stop covering up for him with the family or anyone else. If you feel support from your own family would help you cope, tell them what's going on. At the moment he's counting on drinking and neglecting you in the belief that you'll keep it to yourself.
As he's escalating, consider making preparations in case it becomes untenable for you. See if you can get your finances in order, preferably separate from his, even if you do it quietly. See if you can get the money situation under control and don't leave it to an A who seems intent on p*ssing it away.
Not to be picky, but sleeping in your car then going straight to work isn't 'high functioning'. It may be a matter of time before they realise he still has alcohol in his blood and fire him.
If you have a look around SR, and read the stickies at the top of this forum you can educate yourself about alcoholism. It's important you know what you're dealing with. For whatever reason he's not ready to face his demons and change, and you can't force him. At some point he might decide to stop drinking, but it will have to come from him, not you.
Your focus can move away from him and towards yourself and the baby. Consider going to Al-anon, which is for the families of As, and you'll meet many people in the same situation.
I suggest you stop participating in the conspiracy of silence about your AH. You don't have to shout it from the rooftops, but you can stop covering up for him with the family or anyone else. If you feel support from your own family would help you cope, tell them what's going on. At the moment he's counting on drinking and neglecting you in the belief that you'll keep it to yourself.
As he's escalating, consider making preparations in case it becomes untenable for you. See if you can get your finances in order, preferably separate from his, even if you do it quietly. See if you can get the money situation under control and don't leave it to an A who seems intent on p*ssing it away.
Not to be picky, but sleeping in your car then going straight to work isn't 'high functioning'. It may be a matter of time before they realise he still has alcohol in his blood and fire him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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NeedAdvice.....alcoholism is progressive....always gets worse, over time, unless the person opts. for total abstainence for the rest of their lives. That is the bottom line....
So, as I am sure that you can see...you will have to be making plans for the future of yourself and your child....
Actually, although you may not have thought of it this way...you are already, mostly, a single mother, now....
My suggestion is this: Find an alanon meeting and start going...you can probably take the baby...
Get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"...it will resonate with you, I am sure...
get a counselor for yourself...as this is too difficult, and unnecessary, to walk alone without more emotional support (in addition to alanon)....
Consider letting your family know what is going on...as they will find out at some point, most probably....and you may need their help or support....
these are the basic things that you can begin doing, right now....
***In addition, you will have to plan on going to work, yourself. You will need to become independent for yourself and your child...as one can never count on an alcoholic...
I don't know your circumstances, in terms of possible employment...but, since you don't plan on leaving the relationship, yet, you can start laying the plans....
I notice that you call him your "fiancée".....Please consider that anything that is a problem before marriage will become worse, several fold, after marriage. Marriage, like parenthood, is another stressor for addicts or alcoholics....
You won't be able to control his drinking no matter how bad you might want to....You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't "fix " it....
He is the only one who can do that.....
So, as I am sure that you can see...you will have to be making plans for the future of yourself and your child....
Actually, although you may not have thought of it this way...you are already, mostly, a single mother, now....
My suggestion is this: Find an alanon meeting and start going...you can probably take the baby...
Get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"...it will resonate with you, I am sure...
get a counselor for yourself...as this is too difficult, and unnecessary, to walk alone without more emotional support (in addition to alanon)....
Consider letting your family know what is going on...as they will find out at some point, most probably....and you may need their help or support....
these are the basic things that you can begin doing, right now....
***In addition, you will have to plan on going to work, yourself. You will need to become independent for yourself and your child...as one can never count on an alcoholic...
I don't know your circumstances, in terms of possible employment...but, since you don't plan on leaving the relationship, yet, you can start laying the plans....
I notice that you call him your "fiancée".....Please consider that anything that is a problem before marriage will become worse, several fold, after marriage. Marriage, like parenthood, is another stressor for addicts or alcoholics....
You won't be able to control his drinking no matter how bad you might want to....You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't "fix " it....
He is the only one who can do that.....
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,717
You need to take care of yourself and your baby. Get to a meeting so you can gain the "tools" you need to stay strong and make plans for your future. How you are living now is no way to live. Things will get worse for him. Do not let him take you down with him! Please get help for yourself because there is nothing you can change about his alcoholism unless he wants it for himself. Stay strong!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Needadvice--welcome to SR.
Unfortunately, it's not as simple as him drinking b/c of stress. Yes, sometimes people do drink too much during tough times in their lives, but they are able to stop when they choose to. It seems pretty clear that your fiance is unable to stop when he chooses. As another member said, getting so wasted he sleeps in his car and then goes straight to work is more "barely functioning" than "high functioning." I'd agree it's only a matter of time until someone at his job smells alcohol on him or notices he still seems intoxicated, and then it's out the door for him. Think it's stressful now? Just wait till NO ONE in the relationship has any income....
He may indeed be depressed and self-medicating; one school of thought says that's the case w/many A's. However, the only ways you can "help" are likely very different than you would imagine. This thread from the stickies might clarify that for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You've gotten some good advice here already and I don't have much to add beyond echoing 2 important things:
1) Please put your wedding plans on hold. NOTHING will improve as a result of marrying him, and it will only tie you legally to the financial and legal issues that the future very likely holds for him (you said finances are already tight, right?).
2) Please do spend as much time as you possibly can reading around this forum and educating yourself about alcoholism. In the time I've been here, it seems the folks who do best are those who actively work to learn and grow, the ones who read and post in other threads and seek to both give and receive support. As others have said, Alanon is a great face-to-face resource too, and I'd suggest finding a few nearby meetings and giving it a try.
There's a lot of help and hope here if you continue to reach out for it, and I hope you do.
Originally Posted by Needadvice12345 
We have a 9 month old baby together and I am a stay at home mom. I know the stress of everything has made him feel like he needs to "escape" by going out and drinking his problems away. We are struggling financially and instead of dealing with the problem he would rather go drink his problems away. I suspect that he's depressed and self medicating.
He may indeed be depressed and self-medicating; one school of thought says that's the case w/many A's. However, the only ways you can "help" are likely very different than you would imagine. This thread from the stickies might clarify that for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You've gotten some good advice here already and I don't have much to add beyond echoing 2 important things:
1) Please put your wedding plans on hold. NOTHING will improve as a result of marrying him, and it will only tie you legally to the financial and legal issues that the future very likely holds for him (you said finances are already tight, right?).
2) Please do spend as much time as you possibly can reading around this forum and educating yourself about alcoholism. In the time I've been here, it seems the folks who do best are those who actively work to learn and grow, the ones who read and post in other threads and seek to both give and receive support. As others have said, Alanon is a great face-to-face resource too, and I'd suggest finding a few nearby meetings and giving it a try.
There's a lot of help and hope here if you continue to reach out for it, and I hope you do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I'm holding back the 'LEAVE NOW!' response because like most people who are here, I didn't listen to it and I suppose you won't either at this time.
I'm really sorry for your situation and can only tell you that marriage will not 'cure' an alcoholic. I'm married with 4 kids and while I said I was at the end of my rope last year, 'POOF!', there magically appeared more rope to let out!
In searing honesty, you need help across the whole spectrum(financially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically), and being here is a great start.
I truly wish I could short-cut you to a fast and easy way, but everyone learns at their own pace and have their specific tolerance levels. I've been in this over 10 years and can tell you this:
1. I've changed, in some ways good, the a lot of ways not. Your experiences contribute to develop who you are and this is one experience that anything closely resembling anything good coming out of this is not worth the price you'll pay to get. Nobody steps up to this door and say's 'THIS should do me SOME kinda good'.
His disease will affect you and your child, and 'loving him through detachment' is definitely not the way to live a life with someone. If his daily habits doesn't cause you to reevaluate your decision to stay/leave, Valentine's Day and Anniversaries sure as heck will. Crappy way to spend the rest of your life, I can tell you that.
2. Your plans for whatever you want for your future will always be contingent on his sobriety. That's an anxiety you don't want to have because now you have a child to consider.
3. The longer you're in it, the more you'll think back to that friend who's gone through it before and told you this is how it is, and you should just suck it up and bail was right, no matter how difficult it is to leave now.
4. If leaving now is hard, just wait till you have more time in it. That means more attachment(physically, emotionally, etc) and it becomes even harder as time goes on.
5. Even if the addict gets help, your chances of staying together are very small as forgiveness, reconciling and restoring a marriage are often to much for either the addict, their partner, or both, to take on.
The only thing I can strongly advise is that you don't marry him. It really doesn't get any easier, and if he's telling you he's stressed NOW, just wait until the vows are made.
I''ll pray for you and all who are here in this living hell.
I'm really sorry for your situation and can only tell you that marriage will not 'cure' an alcoholic. I'm married with 4 kids and while I said I was at the end of my rope last year, 'POOF!', there magically appeared more rope to let out!
In searing honesty, you need help across the whole spectrum(financially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically), and being here is a great start.
I truly wish I could short-cut you to a fast and easy way, but everyone learns at their own pace and have their specific tolerance levels. I've been in this over 10 years and can tell you this:
1. I've changed, in some ways good, the a lot of ways not. Your experiences contribute to develop who you are and this is one experience that anything closely resembling anything good coming out of this is not worth the price you'll pay to get. Nobody steps up to this door and say's 'THIS should do me SOME kinda good'.
His disease will affect you and your child, and 'loving him through detachment' is definitely not the way to live a life with someone. If his daily habits doesn't cause you to reevaluate your decision to stay/leave, Valentine's Day and Anniversaries sure as heck will. Crappy way to spend the rest of your life, I can tell you that.
2. Your plans for whatever you want for your future will always be contingent on his sobriety. That's an anxiety you don't want to have because now you have a child to consider.
3. The longer you're in it, the more you'll think back to that friend who's gone through it before and told you this is how it is, and you should just suck it up and bail was right, no matter how difficult it is to leave now.
4. If leaving now is hard, just wait till you have more time in it. That means more attachment(physically, emotionally, etc) and it becomes even harder as time goes on.
5. Even if the addict gets help, your chances of staying together are very small as forgiveness, reconciling and restoring a marriage are often to much for either the addict, their partner, or both, to take on.
The only thing I can strongly advise is that you don't marry him. It really doesn't get any easier, and if he's telling you he's stressed NOW, just wait until the vows are made.
I''ll pray for you and all who are here in this living hell.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was in the same situation. I stayed until the "baby" was 4, hoping he would see the light, hoping that every progressively worse episode would be his "bottom."
A lot of what I thought was him "functioning" was really just the result of me or someone else (usually his mom) taking care of literally every detail of daily life while he became less and less able to fulfill the bare minimum of responsible adult tasks he'd assigned himself.
All the while I experienced passive aggressive behavior and escalating anger from him. I got raged at for cutting the grass and taking out the trash because that was "his thing" and I was supposed to wait for his insane timeline, even if it meant getting tickets from city code enforcement or having a mountain of garbage outside the back door.
He is still not sober. After I left he arranged his entire life around being able to drink comfortably and without consequences. I fear you're on the same sinking ship I was, waiting for him to carry you to a lifeboat. Please keep reading and posting here, and check into Al Anon if you can. That was a lifesaver for me after I finally left.
Take care. Hugs to you and your sweet baby.
A lot of what I thought was him "functioning" was really just the result of me or someone else (usually his mom) taking care of literally every detail of daily life while he became less and less able to fulfill the bare minimum of responsible adult tasks he'd assigned himself.
All the while I experienced passive aggressive behavior and escalating anger from him. I got raged at for cutting the grass and taking out the trash because that was "his thing" and I was supposed to wait for his insane timeline, even if it meant getting tickets from city code enforcement or having a mountain of garbage outside the back door.
He is still not sober. After I left he arranged his entire life around being able to drink comfortably and without consequences. I fear you're on the same sinking ship I was, waiting for him to carry you to a lifeboat. Please keep reading and posting here, and check into Al Anon if you can. That was a lifesaver for me after I finally left.
Take care. Hugs to you and your sweet baby.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel like a single mother. He's never here. I'm unhappy and I feel so alone. I'm the only one who knows he even has a drinking problem, our families have no idea.
This should be the happiest time in your life to enjoy and cherish your new little one but instead you are unhappy and alone, stressed out about finances and distraught with worry about someone you loves problem that you have no control over.
I think al-anon would benefit you and I think talking to your family would benefit you. You need support not secrets and isolation.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yep.....atalose....people seem to hate to be told to leave...even when it clearly is in their best welfare.....
also, I think that they don't want to hear the ole..."I told you so".....
Often, they have defended the partner to the family....and they want very badly to be "right"......
I think it is a tough hurtle for many people to face.
also, I think that they don't want to hear the ole..."I told you so".....
Often, they have defended the partner to the family....and they want very badly to be "right"......
I think it is a tough hurtle for many people to face.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Originally Posted by dandylion
Yep, Spinner.....you speak the unvarnished reality......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you everyone for the advice and honesty.
The sad truth is, I'm all to familiar with alocholism and addiction. My dad is/was an alcoholic and addicted to oxy. My childhood was a living hell because of it and my mom was always the one picking up the pieces of our broken family. My brother has been in rehab for drug addiction (heroin) and I've also struggled quiet a bit with drug use in my past. Luckily that's all behind me now though.
When I take a hard look at my life, I can't even believe that I got myself in this situation. I was in denial that he was an A and made so many excuses for him in my head before admiting that to myself that he is.
I will look up a local ALanon group. I've been before when I was a teenager but I was just an angry teen who refused to talk about their feelings, so it didn't help much. But a support group would be a big help.
His sister is the one person who knows, besides me. I think I might go stay with her for a few days. Hopfully me and our baby being gone when he comes home might make him realize I'm seriously considering leaving him. I just don't feel like I have the strength right now. But I'm so tired of the broken promises, being let down and the anxiety wondering if he's coming home or not.
I'm also honestly ashamed to tell my mom. After everything she's been through with my dad, I go and end up with someone like him. She already has a lot on her plate so I hate to add more stress to her life.
The sad truth is, I'm all to familiar with alocholism and addiction. My dad is/was an alcoholic and addicted to oxy. My childhood was a living hell because of it and my mom was always the one picking up the pieces of our broken family. My brother has been in rehab for drug addiction (heroin) and I've also struggled quiet a bit with drug use in my past. Luckily that's all behind me now though.
When I take a hard look at my life, I can't even believe that I got myself in this situation. I was in denial that he was an A and made so many excuses for him in my head before admiting that to myself that he is.
I will look up a local ALanon group. I've been before when I was a teenager but I was just an angry teen who refused to talk about their feelings, so it didn't help much. But a support group would be a big help.
His sister is the one person who knows, besides me. I think I might go stay with her for a few days. Hopfully me and our baby being gone when he comes home might make him realize I'm seriously considering leaving him. I just don't feel like I have the strength right now. But I'm so tired of the broken promises, being let down and the anxiety wondering if he's coming home or not.
I'm also honestly ashamed to tell my mom. After everything she's been through with my dad, I go and end up with someone like him. She already has a lot on her plate so I hate to add more stress to her life.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
NeedAdvice.....Do this for yourself--(right now...lol)...
Go to Amazon.com and look for books for "Adult Children of Alcoholics".
You will find several..as well as some workboks.....
Pick one out to start reading....(you can get used ones for less than the postage,,,lol)......
I think it would be a real eye opener for you....and a great comfort.....
Consider it as giving you a gift to yourself....
Go to Amazon.com and look for books for "Adult Children of Alcoholics".
You will find several..as well as some workboks.....
Pick one out to start reading....(you can get used ones for less than the postage,,,lol)......
I think it would be a real eye opener for you....and a great comfort.....
Consider it as giving you a gift to yourself....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Part of growing up with an addict in the family is feeling like we have to protect everyone we love from our suffering, when in reality, your mother is probably the best-equipped person in your life to understand what you are going through.
Please take dandylion's suggestion and read up on what it means to be ACoA. I, too, couldn't believe it when I found myself involved with an alcoholic after growing up with an alcoholic mother and codependent father, but the truth is, until I resolved my Family of Origin issues, it was almost inevitable that I would do so. I was still just a five-year-old kid, unaware that my mother's alcoholism wasn't my responsibility, trying to fix things, trying to prove I had more control over others' happiness than I did -- trying to prove to myself I had ANY control over it.
Learning about ACoA was the greatest gift I could give myself. It freed me to build my own life outside of the addicts and codependency that had shaped it, to build a strong relationship with MYSELF for the first time, so that I could bring my best self to my relationships, and to attract really healthy people into my life for the first time. It changed everything.
It meant giving up a lot of things that I thought I needed to define myself, and that was extremely difficult. I really couldn't see for a long time how unhealthy those things were, and because they were "Familiar", I believed that meant they were "Right," when just the opposite was true.
I'm so glad you're here. Please remember, "high-functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism, it's just a STAGE. Unchecked, addiction progresses, and it happens so slowly that we often don't see the incremental deterioration.
Sending you strength and courage to keep your eyes and heart open.
Please take dandylion's suggestion and read up on what it means to be ACoA. I, too, couldn't believe it when I found myself involved with an alcoholic after growing up with an alcoholic mother and codependent father, but the truth is, until I resolved my Family of Origin issues, it was almost inevitable that I would do so. I was still just a five-year-old kid, unaware that my mother's alcoholism wasn't my responsibility, trying to fix things, trying to prove I had more control over others' happiness than I did -- trying to prove to myself I had ANY control over it.
Learning about ACoA was the greatest gift I could give myself. It freed me to build my own life outside of the addicts and codependency that had shaped it, to build a strong relationship with MYSELF for the first time, so that I could bring my best self to my relationships, and to attract really healthy people into my life for the first time. It changed everything.
It meant giving up a lot of things that I thought I needed to define myself, and that was extremely difficult. I really couldn't see for a long time how unhealthy those things were, and because they were "Familiar", I believed that meant they were "Right," when just the opposite was true.
I'm so glad you're here. Please remember, "high-functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism, it's just a STAGE. Unchecked, addiction progresses, and it happens so slowly that we often don't see the incremental deterioration.
Sending you strength and courage to keep your eyes and heart open.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
what Ladyscribbler said is so true! Alcoholics just keep disappointing the people around them, keep lowering the bar until no one expects anything resembling responsible behavior from them. My alcoholic sib would get angry if he felt that someone was trying to "his job," like cut the grass or take the trash out.
But he never seemed to get around to it. My mother, with whom he lives, would freak out as the grass got longer and longer, and the hedges grew wild.
Did I mention that sib is a passive aggressive d**k? Yah, that goes hand in hand with addiction as well.
I would say, leave and leave soon. Things will not get better. Life with an alcoholic is a hard road, for you and your child. Youboth deserve better.
But he never seemed to get around to it. My mother, with whom he lives, would freak out as the grass got longer and longer, and the hedges grew wild.
Did I mention that sib is a passive aggressive d**k? Yah, that goes hand in hand with addiction as well.
I would say, leave and leave soon. Things will not get better. Life with an alcoholic is a hard road, for you and your child. Youboth deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
NeedAdvice - First, I'm so sorry. The only thing I have to add to what has already been said is that maybe you should confide in your mom. She has been there, and you might feel a huge burden lifted. I don't know your family dynamic so it's just a thought. I was terrified of telling my father about how we were living, expecting him to tell me a million ways that I needed to be a better wife or better Catholic or something, and when he heard the detailed horrible story, he gently said something like, honey, I'm afraid you're going to have to get a divorce. Hearing him say that completely opened up my mind to a possibility that I refused to consider until then and my life is slowly getting better because of it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
You mentioned your father and brother are substance abusers. Same here. We end up looking for what we're comfortable with. I would also check to see if there are adult children of alcoholics meetings. After alanon I found acoa meetings helpful in dealing with my feelings of growing up in a dysfunctional home. Going to multiple types of groups and different meetings helped me see a lot of perspectives.
Looking back I see acoa was mentioned...definitely check it out and do some reading online.
Looking back I see acoa was mentioned...definitely check it out and do some reading online.
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