On today's episode of "Coparenting with an Addict"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
On today's episode of "Coparenting with an Addict"
Ugh.
So, one of the (many) things that ex and I never saw eye to eye on was how to feed our kids. I believe treats should be treats- they should not be consumed all day, every day. Ex likes to feed the kids donuts for breakfast, corndogs for lunch, chicken nuggets for dinner, and throw in some cheetos and candy in between. Alright, fine. I can't stop him. But I should be able to feed them how I want on my days, right?
Except he keeps sending the kids home from visits with junk food. I've asked him politely to stop, he continues.
Today he tried to hand me a bottle of chocolate milk. I told him, "You can just go ahead and keep that. I've asked you before to let me feed them as I choose. You're trying to make me out to be the bad guy and I don't appreciate it."
He throws the bottle, then tells the kids, "Kids, Mommy's littering! Did you see that? She just littered!" Really bizarre, because they had seen him throw it.
I asked him to please calm down. He said, "No, I won't calm down! You calm down!" and threw my kid's backpack at me. (I was completely calm, btw).
So I give him my best "WTF is wrong with you" look and put the kids in the car. He gets into his truck and proceeds to stare me down intently and throw cigarette butts out his window, one after the other.
"Why is Daddy littering?" The kids ask.
"I don't know, " I replied. But I do. And it's really sad that the kids have to see this crap.
So, one of the (many) things that ex and I never saw eye to eye on was how to feed our kids. I believe treats should be treats- they should not be consumed all day, every day. Ex likes to feed the kids donuts for breakfast, corndogs for lunch, chicken nuggets for dinner, and throw in some cheetos and candy in between. Alright, fine. I can't stop him. But I should be able to feed them how I want on my days, right?
Except he keeps sending the kids home from visits with junk food. I've asked him politely to stop, he continues.
Today he tried to hand me a bottle of chocolate milk. I told him, "You can just go ahead and keep that. I've asked you before to let me feed them as I choose. You're trying to make me out to be the bad guy and I don't appreciate it."
He throws the bottle, then tells the kids, "Kids, Mommy's littering! Did you see that? She just littered!" Really bizarre, because they had seen him throw it.
I asked him to please calm down. He said, "No, I won't calm down! You calm down!" and threw my kid's backpack at me. (I was completely calm, btw).
So I give him my best "WTF is wrong with you" look and put the kids in the car. He gets into his truck and proceeds to stare me down intently and throw cigarette butts out his window, one after the other.
"Why is Daddy littering?" The kids ask.
"I don't know, " I replied. But I do. And it's really sad that the kids have to see this crap.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree that his behaviour is unhealthy for the children and unsafe for all of you. I'm not sure how old your children are but this may be affecting them more than you think.
Can you legally review the terms of his visitation? Or at least go on record with your concerns?
These children are blessed to have you to be the voice that they cannot be. My heart hurts that this is so unpleasant for all of you.
Hugs
Can you legally review the terms of his visitation? Or at least go on record with your concerns?
These children are blessed to have you to be the voice that they cannot be. My heart hurts that this is so unpleasant for all of you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
I was just coming on to this site to start a thread "advice on how to co-parent with an addict" and then I saw your post. Needless to say I don't know that there is any simple way to answer this question. It seems like they will do things just out of spite and at the cost of the children's health and wellbeing. I'm afraid I will be in your shoes when my ex eventually gets some custody. He will do as he pleases and won't listen to a thing I say. I am always making sure my kids eat healthy and stay on a consistent schedule. He will definitely do the opposite. I guess we can only control what we can and that is when our kids are with us. When they are with their dads I guess we just have to let go...although I don't know that I will ever be able to do that. We do the very best we can with what we have. Don't forget to take care of yourself as well and surround yourself with a good support system. Are you still seeing the therapist that you liked?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What has been important for my children, and to me, is to realize that this is dad's behavior. It's not right, there is something off, and I cannot control it, or make it any better.
I right away armed my daughter with a cell phone when we got divorced. She takes it everywhere when she is w/her dad. Luckily, he has never tried to take it away. I also send an ipad so should he ever try to take it away, she would have a back up way to contact me.
I have made it clear to my children, and to my X and his wife, that I won't hesitate to call the police next time he has any bad behavior. I have my daughter in counseling to help her understand that may be necessary, and to handle all of these things in her life.
The most frustrating thing I have ever had to deal with in my life is watching how my X emotionally abuses our children. All I can do is be there for them, and build them into strong people.
It's tragic. I am so sorry you are going through this.
A good counselor is worth their weight in gold, get one if you don't already have one for you and the children.
Tight hugs.
I right away armed my daughter with a cell phone when we got divorced. She takes it everywhere when she is w/her dad. Luckily, he has never tried to take it away. I also send an ipad so should he ever try to take it away, she would have a back up way to contact me.
I have made it clear to my children, and to my X and his wife, that I won't hesitate to call the police next time he has any bad behavior. I have my daughter in counseling to help her understand that may be necessary, and to handle all of these things in her life.
The most frustrating thing I have ever had to deal with in my life is watching how my X emotionally abuses our children. All I can do is be there for them, and build them into strong people.
It's tragic. I am so sorry you are going through this.
A good counselor is worth their weight in gold, get one if you don't already have one for you and the children.
Tight hugs.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
What a brat,
In dog training, we talk about "you get what you pet," meaning some dogs will do whatever gets them attention, even negative attention. So maybe the next time he's being all psycho and throwing butts out of the window, just turn your back on him? If you don't play, he can't win.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
In dog training, we talk about "you get what you pet," meaning some dogs will do whatever gets them attention, even negative attention. So maybe the next time he's being all psycho and throwing butts out of the window, just turn your back on him? If you don't play, he can't win.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
According to my lawyer, who is no longer my lawyer because I paid my final bill (and if I want him to so much as answer a question for me I have to pay another $2000 retainer), the courts are likely to dismiss all my claims as hearsay unless I have some solid proof to back them up, which I don't. So for now I'm just continuing to document, and praying for divine intervention.
I'm still seeing my counselor. It's nice having someone besides my mom to talk to about these things, but I really do need a sponsor- someone I can call at any time. I really need to get up the courage to ask someone.
I know I need to put the kids in counseling- I've just been putting it off because I know it's going to cause even more tension between ex and I. He'll see it as me trying to get dirt on him and take his "parental rights" away, no matter how I phrase it. I guess I've been waiting for the right moment to tell him, but there's never a right moment. There's never any peace. Anyway, it has to be done.
I'm so scared of coming across as "disparaging" him to the kids, as it's in our order that neither parent can do so. I just don't know how to tow the line of letting them know his behavior is not normal and not to follow it without getting myself in trouble.
I think a part of this is that he got used to playing the "you're not the boss of me" game throughout our relationship- testing the waters, seeing what he could get away with. I'm trying my best not to play, but it's getting to the point where "choose your battles wisely" means always let him win. Everything's a damn battle.
I'm still seeing my counselor. It's nice having someone besides my mom to talk to about these things, but I really do need a sponsor- someone I can call at any time. I really need to get up the courage to ask someone.
I know I need to put the kids in counseling- I've just been putting it off because I know it's going to cause even more tension between ex and I. He'll see it as me trying to get dirt on him and take his "parental rights" away, no matter how I phrase it. I guess I've been waiting for the right moment to tell him, but there's never a right moment. There's never any peace. Anyway, it has to be done.
I'm so scared of coming across as "disparaging" him to the kids, as it's in our order that neither parent can do so. I just don't know how to tow the line of letting them know his behavior is not normal and not to follow it without getting myself in trouble.
I think a part of this is that he got used to playing the "you're not the boss of me" game throughout our relationship- testing the waters, seeing what he could get away with. I'm trying my best not to play, but it's getting to the point where "choose your battles wisely" means always let him win. Everything's a damn battle.
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