getting out of ruts.... life in sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
getting out of ruts.... life in sobriety
Hey all!
Well lately I've been in a rut of emotional turmoil over the state of my country. I can't believe what's going on, and it's led me into a greater-than-usual addiction to social media. Which doesn't help. Makes it worse.
And the caffeine continues to be a bane. I intend each night to reduce it 'tomorrow'. To get out for a run. To turn things around. Then I wake up and I'm tired and sluggish and go right for the coffee pot.
Sugar..... I'm eating too many sugary foods and I'm way out of shape and I can't seem to get through a day without some dumb snack that I didn't need. Some days, a whole pile of regrettable foods and none that are really healthy.
It sort of snuck up on me.... but now it's become a trap. A routine of addiction. Just like drinking. I'm sober - but I've allowed addictions of other forms to creep in and disrupt my life.
Social media
Caffeine
Sugar
Fatty, crappy foods
Inaction and lethargy
Disorganization and low motivation result
Which all make me feel crummy
Which seem to lead me back to more of it all
Ahhhh, life.
I am grateful and generally happy and fortunate and not really complaining per se - but I would like to move out of the space of feeling like I'm letting myself be controlled and my life be negatively influenced by these small addictions.
Small - but big. Looking honestly at my habits, between having a milkshake instead of a glass of water.... scrolling through facebook.... sitting around drinking coffee.... eating pie..... I am probably spending 10-15 hours a week on these habits that don't advance my life and keep me stuck and controlled.
I guess I'm just blathering now. Venting a bit perhaps. I'm grateful to be sober. I'm also a little disappointed to see the same patterns of addiction at work in different ways.
Well, I'm going to go for a run in the snow.... or maybe skiing.... something active to get out of this chair and out of this house and celebrate life instead of continuing to stare at a computer. After work is done for the day.
Haven't been around here much lately, but hoping everyone's doing well and wishing you ALL a sober day.
Well lately I've been in a rut of emotional turmoil over the state of my country. I can't believe what's going on, and it's led me into a greater-than-usual addiction to social media. Which doesn't help. Makes it worse.
And the caffeine continues to be a bane. I intend each night to reduce it 'tomorrow'. To get out for a run. To turn things around. Then I wake up and I'm tired and sluggish and go right for the coffee pot.
Sugar..... I'm eating too many sugary foods and I'm way out of shape and I can't seem to get through a day without some dumb snack that I didn't need. Some days, a whole pile of regrettable foods and none that are really healthy.
It sort of snuck up on me.... but now it's become a trap. A routine of addiction. Just like drinking. I'm sober - but I've allowed addictions of other forms to creep in and disrupt my life.
Social media
Caffeine
Sugar
Fatty, crappy foods
Inaction and lethargy
Disorganization and low motivation result
Which all make me feel crummy
Which seem to lead me back to more of it all
Ahhhh, life.
I am grateful and generally happy and fortunate and not really complaining per se - but I would like to move out of the space of feeling like I'm letting myself be controlled and my life be negatively influenced by these small addictions.
Small - but big. Looking honestly at my habits, between having a milkshake instead of a glass of water.... scrolling through facebook.... sitting around drinking coffee.... eating pie..... I am probably spending 10-15 hours a week on these habits that don't advance my life and keep me stuck and controlled.
I guess I'm just blathering now. Venting a bit perhaps. I'm grateful to be sober. I'm also a little disappointed to see the same patterns of addiction at work in different ways.
Well, I'm going to go for a run in the snow.... or maybe skiing.... something active to get out of this chair and out of this house and celebrate life instead of continuing to stare at a computer. After work is done for the day.
Haven't been around here much lately, but hoping everyone's doing well and wishing you ALL a sober day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Sorry you are feeling like that FreeOwl. We all know the feeling of being stuck in a rut. Sometimes, one run in the snow is all it takes. Get that fresh air into your lungs, your heart pumping, your muscles moving. That can stop the vicious cycle right there, reverse direction and back to good habits again.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
I know it's possible to change a lot of those things. It took a while and involved switching off the TV. No TV, newspapers, internet news or radio. I am ignorant. I cook my food. Bake my bread. No impulse buying. Wash my clothes by hand. Repair my car. If I think I need something I look at how to make it first. Keeps me busy and content.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I could have written your post, FreeOwl. Almost word-for-word. Ugh. I feel stuck, I know I'm not. I wonder if I'm maybe a tiny bit depressed? Seasonal Affective Disorder? I don't know. Every day I promise myself I'll eat better, try to exercise, do something different after work. Then by the time work is over, I just want to go home and veg out. Then I get annoyed with myself. Need something to break me out of this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 106
Sounds like you're not giving yourself enough credit FreeOwl. Don't be so hard on yourself. Getting sober is hard. Getting over the other things should be fairly manageable, just don't set yourself the goal of doing it all at once.
Someone wise once said that all things that are worthwhile take time!
Someone wise once said that all things that are worthwhile take time!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 701
How about mixing decaf into your coffee at gradually increasing rates?
Also, as an approach to decreasing your sugar/fat intake, maybe investigate buying a blender and making veggie/fruit smoothies.
Cutting out coffee/fats without anything to replace them would be the hard road.
Do some (a lot) of research on which are the healthiest foods.
Simply going to the fresh veggie/fruit section will be an experience in itself!
(caffeine/sugar abuse will slowly take you down the path to...(imo)...eternal, ever-increasing, lethargy)
Also, as an approach to decreasing your sugar/fat intake, maybe investigate buying a blender and making veggie/fruit smoothies.
Cutting out coffee/fats without anything to replace them would be the hard road.
Do some (a lot) of research on which are the healthiest foods.
Simply going to the fresh veggie/fruit section will be an experience in itself!
(caffeine/sugar abuse will slowly take you down the path to...(imo)...eternal, ever-increasing, lethargy)
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Ya know, Columbus, a light bulb just went on in my head, thanks to you. I KNOW I need to eat more fresh stuff, and less sugar, but I really hadn't stopped to think how much my mood and energy levels might be affected by the sorry state of my diet these days. I have a vitamix on my counter. I'd better start using that puppy. Pretty painless way to up the fruit/veggie intake, and add protein.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Social media
Caffeine
Sugar
Fatty, crappy foods
Inaction and lethargy
Disorganization and low motivation result
Which all make me feel crummy
Which seem to lead me back to more of it all
I hear you. I have managed to quit coffee, but I do have a Coke now and then.
I am eating way to much sugar and bad foods and it does wear me down but it is hard to do everything right.
I was walking a lot but I have slowed down on that as well.
It is true, all the things you mentioned does drag you down.
Caffeine
Sugar
Fatty, crappy foods
Inaction and lethargy
Disorganization and low motivation result
Which all make me feel crummy
Which seem to lead me back to more of it all
I hear you. I have managed to quit coffee, but I do have a Coke now and then.
I am eating way to much sugar and bad foods and it does wear me down but it is hard to do everything right.
I was walking a lot but I have slowed down on that as well.
It is true, all the things you mentioned does drag you down.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by MLD51 
I could have written your post, FreeOwl. Almost word-for-word. Ugh. I feel stuck, I know I'm not. I wonder if I'm maybe a tiny bit depressed? Seasonal Affective Disorder? I don't know. Every day I promise myself I'll eat better, try to exercise, do something different after work. Then by the time work is over, I just want to go home and veg out. Then I get annoyed with myself. Need something to break me out of this.
I ended up napping this afternoon, woke up about an hour ago, been munching some
and playing Fb games and posting here. Royal Dice or Puzzly Words anyone?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by MLD51
Ya know, Columbus, a light bulb just went on in my head, thanks to you. I KNOW I need to eat more fresh stuff, and less sugar, but I really hadn't stopped to think how much my mood and energy levels might be affected by the sorry state of my diet these days. I have a vitamix on my counter. I'd better start using that puppy. Pretty painless way to up the fruit/veggie intake, and add protein.
I was really craving a big colorful salad from my favorite salad bar but the urge to just drive home won out! Maybe tomorrow I'll grab that salad.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Me too. Dark and cold, the news is all bleak, and work has been extra stressful, plus uncertainty about the future, which much as I try to hand it over, fear keeps jerking my strings. Not anything like it did before, but just enough to remind me of the power it can hold, and the destruction it can lead to.
Thankfully I faced weigh in last night, and it's only a few pounds gain. Have woken up and eaten a proper healthy breakfast and made a tuna bean salad for lunch, and packed healthy snacks. I popped in the posher supermarket enroute home after weigh in last night and treated myself to some really nice tea, so I'll keep that at work for if I feel I need something nice. I am also going to take the time to actually have a break at lunchtime today. That will be the first this year, which might say something about my spiral that I've got in.
H - if I eat junk, then nutritionally speaking, my body is still hungry.
A - I'm not angry now, but I have struggled with a few weeks fighting resentments against my boss for one reason and another.
L - Lonely? I don't think so, now. But just did feel very isolated at work while all that stuff was going on. And I may have been isolating a little perhaps.
T - Tired? Ohhhh yes. But then, while I'm eating rubbish and wasting loads of emotional energy on resentments, and am being a bleeding deacon, not taking my lunch break, then hey, I suppose that's kind of inevitable.
I for one am fed up feeling like this while I know I have so much to be grateful for. I resolve to turn things round to day. I know what to do, but my power is in taking action to do the next best thing. That brat of an AV has been messing with my head, and it can just sling it's hook.
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the DESIRE of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my inner brat and not act on its whims.
God. Please grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
AMEN.
Thankfully I faced weigh in last night, and it's only a few pounds gain. Have woken up and eaten a proper healthy breakfast and made a tuna bean salad for lunch, and packed healthy snacks. I popped in the posher supermarket enroute home after weigh in last night and treated myself to some really nice tea, so I'll keep that at work for if I feel I need something nice. I am also going to take the time to actually have a break at lunchtime today. That will be the first this year, which might say something about my spiral that I've got in.
H - if I eat junk, then nutritionally speaking, my body is still hungry.
A - I'm not angry now, but I have struggled with a few weeks fighting resentments against my boss for one reason and another.
L - Lonely? I don't think so, now. But just did feel very isolated at work while all that stuff was going on. And I may have been isolating a little perhaps.
T - Tired? Ohhhh yes. But then, while I'm eating rubbish and wasting loads of emotional energy on resentments, and am being a bleeding deacon, not taking my lunch break, then hey, I suppose that's kind of inevitable.
I for one am fed up feeling like this while I know I have so much to be grateful for. I resolve to turn things round to day. I know what to do, but my power is in taking action to do the next best thing. That brat of an AV has been messing with my head, and it can just sling it's hook.
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the DESIRE of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I, praised when I am unnoticed, chosen though I may be set aside, preferred to me, and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my inner brat and not act on its whims.
God. Please grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
AMEN.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
I liken it to a game of whack the frog.
Every time I get to grips with one crappy habit, up pops another one.
My most recent addiction I've knocked on the head is cigarettes. Man am I happy not to be smoking anymore.
But how come I'm drinking so much coffee now? More than double the amount I normally drink.
And sweets! Don't talk to me about sweets.
I always like to see the positives though.. I'm not drinking and I'm not smoking so the bananas are chilled.
Every time I get to grips with one crappy habit, up pops another one.
My most recent addiction I've knocked on the head is cigarettes. Man am I happy not to be smoking anymore.
But how come I'm drinking so much coffee now? More than double the amount I normally drink.
And sweets! Don't talk to me about sweets.
I always like to see the positives though.. I'm not drinking and I'm not smoking so the bananas are chilled.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
You're singing my song.
Last May when I quit drinking I allowed myself whatever I wanted to eat. What I ate and how much will not be mentioned, let's just say I kept up with my husband on portion sizes. The ice cream? Ohhhhhh, the ice cream. Another forbidden topic of discussion. On August 1st I stepped on the scale and cried. All of August and September I exercised, ate right and would not step on the scale, afraid that if I hadn't lost any weight I would go off the deep end. Then, in October, the Halloween candy surfaced and I was off and running eating that. Again, portions not a topic of discussion. Let's just say that buying bags of miniatures does not warrant eating 20 of the suckers just because they're small!
It was then I realized, I was eating alcoholically. Filling that void again.
How did I get out of it? I defined a motivator. I found a way to make myself accountable. A coworker was having somewhat of the same problem so we embarked together. We have a scale at work and weigh in every Tuesday. So far I'm down 9.5 lbs.
Find your motivator!
Another thing is making a list (maybe starting with just a few things). Hang a calendar on the wall. Every day you successfully do what it is on your list put a big smilie face on that day. You'd be surprised how after a few weeks looking at all those smilies can motivate.
The key is the motivator. Even if you work on one thing at a time.
Hope this helps someone
Last May when I quit drinking I allowed myself whatever I wanted to eat. What I ate and how much will not be mentioned, let's just say I kept up with my husband on portion sizes. The ice cream? Ohhhhhh, the ice cream. Another forbidden topic of discussion. On August 1st I stepped on the scale and cried. All of August and September I exercised, ate right and would not step on the scale, afraid that if I hadn't lost any weight I would go off the deep end. Then, in October, the Halloween candy surfaced and I was off and running eating that. Again, portions not a topic of discussion. Let's just say that buying bags of miniatures does not warrant eating 20 of the suckers just because they're small!
It was then I realized, I was eating alcoholically. Filling that void again.
How did I get out of it? I defined a motivator. I found a way to make myself accountable. A coworker was having somewhat of the same problem so we embarked together. We have a scale at work and weigh in every Tuesday. So far I'm down 9.5 lbs.
Find your motivator!
Another thing is making a list (maybe starting with just a few things). Hang a calendar on the wall. Every day you successfully do what it is on your list put a big smilie face on that day. You'd be surprised how after a few weeks looking at all those smilies can motivate.
The key is the motivator. Even if you work on one thing at a time.
Hope this helps someone
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
First- hang in there! As others have noted, lots of what you write is familiar.
My thoughts, take or leave them:
AA says service to others is our best bet for overall peace and maintenance of good spiritual condition. For me, this doesn't have to mean the "bigger" stuff (ie, my bf and I deliver meals/groc for our favorite charity- quarterly)....some days, especially when something(s) are bugging me, I find something to focus on at work- one ex is after a rough day or two, I decided to learn or think of one thing I didn't know or should remember about each of my coworkers. Turning my attention from me almost always "helps."
How is your sleep? I have to sleep consistently (I get up the same time every day- thanks, dog- even though bedtime varies some - and I am certain I sleep more than most people as I will go to bed by 9 plenty of days when not working!). I also think enough sleep- and I take regular naps- helps with wanting sweets.
I'm a big (BIG) reader. Fiction- escapism- and learning (right now, I am reading a great book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly) - all help either get me out of my head and/or shift my thoughts to "better" things.
Perhaps lastly, and it may be selfish- I turn off the junk. Frankly, I only follow our mess of politics at a distance, right now. I took a break from FB when needed. I look for the positive and if you are one of my Instagram or FB friends- or follow my twitter feed- you will see pics of my beloved, positive quotes and Bible verses, images of home decorating ideas....you get the gist.
For me, sober is better in every way - and one reason is that I get to do whatever I want, because I am sober and can create a real life.
Keep going.
My thoughts, take or leave them:
AA says service to others is our best bet for overall peace and maintenance of good spiritual condition. For me, this doesn't have to mean the "bigger" stuff (ie, my bf and I deliver meals/groc for our favorite charity- quarterly)....some days, especially when something(s) are bugging me, I find something to focus on at work- one ex is after a rough day or two, I decided to learn or think of one thing I didn't know or should remember about each of my coworkers. Turning my attention from me almost always "helps."
How is your sleep? I have to sleep consistently (I get up the same time every day- thanks, dog- even though bedtime varies some - and I am certain I sleep more than most people as I will go to bed by 9 plenty of days when not working!). I also think enough sleep- and I take regular naps- helps with wanting sweets.
I'm a big (BIG) reader. Fiction- escapism- and learning (right now, I am reading a great book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly) - all help either get me out of my head and/or shift my thoughts to "better" things.
Perhaps lastly, and it may be selfish- I turn off the junk. Frankly, I only follow our mess of politics at a distance, right now. I took a break from FB when needed. I look for the positive and if you are one of my Instagram or FB friends- or follow my twitter feed- you will see pics of my beloved, positive quotes and Bible verses, images of home decorating ideas....you get the gist.
For me, sober is better in every way - and one reason is that I get to do whatever I want, because I am sober and can create a real life.
Keep going.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midwest U.S.
Posts: 142
FreeOwl,
You are not alone, and ruts are definitely not uncommon!
Based on some of what you wrote, I assume you're in the U.S.(?) which means you're in the depths of winter right now. Seasonal affects can certainly play with our moods and behaviors. Spring is on the way; it gets here eventually. I've been visualizing what my yard looks like without all the snow and with all the green slowly growing back, and it makes me very excited!
I, too, am troubled by the state of the nation, but that is probably a conversation for another time.
Something that works for me when I'm feeling 'blah' or stuck is to make even the smallest progress on something I need to do - simple stuff like doing laundry and paying bills, or bigger projects such as organizing storage spaces in my house. Even if I don't know where to start, I just start somewhere. What tends to happen is that I gain momentum and then I don't want to stop until it's finished. Voila...rut be gone. It may not work like that for everyone but it could!
On the other hand, I am also gentle with myself if I don't have the capacity to do something at a given moment, because I'm human and not a machine.
I am just glad we're sober today! Hang in there.
ABW1
You are not alone, and ruts are definitely not uncommon!
Based on some of what you wrote, I assume you're in the U.S.(?) which means you're in the depths of winter right now. Seasonal affects can certainly play with our moods and behaviors. Spring is on the way; it gets here eventually. I've been visualizing what my yard looks like without all the snow and with all the green slowly growing back, and it makes me very excited!
I, too, am troubled by the state of the nation, but that is probably a conversation for another time.
Something that works for me when I'm feeling 'blah' or stuck is to make even the smallest progress on something I need to do - simple stuff like doing laundry and paying bills, or bigger projects such as organizing storage spaces in my house. Even if I don't know where to start, I just start somewhere. What tends to happen is that I gain momentum and then I don't want to stop until it's finished. Voila...rut be gone. It may not work like that for everyone but it could!
On the other hand, I am also gentle with myself if I don't have the capacity to do something at a given moment, because I'm human and not a machine.
I am just glad we're sober today! Hang in there.
ABW1
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hi FO ,
A work in progress, thats what my sobriety is.
My way of thinking about it is trying to bring the spirit of recovery / sobriety into all areas of my life .
In the last year i gave up leveraged day trading the up's and downs of it were close to the rushes and pits of using and for me i found that having larger amounts meant i just leveraged more until i lost my stakes.
These days i'm on auto pilot for investments buy , own 100% and forget . sober and sencible, no rushes just consistent regular and pretty boring.
This year is focused on my health, again i think i need to be consitent and regular alas i find it pretty boring although i have noticed i do feel happier over the longer term doing things like eating well and excersising reguarly .
For the moment it is consisting of trying to eat veggie more often and monitoring my steps in the last 3 weeks and coming up with a plan to increase them .
300 has been my minimum and 8000 the top end . so i'm going to aim for a minimum of 5000 per day. moderate and reasonable to start with after my few weeks of monitoring.
it will probably be a bit boring and dull but it seems to work ...
I hope you get on with "it" whatever you define "it" being.
do the same old , get the same old ... bleugh ! unfortunately but there we go ..
In the fight, fighting along side ya ,
m
A work in progress, thats what my sobriety is.
My way of thinking about it is trying to bring the spirit of recovery / sobriety into all areas of my life .
In the last year i gave up leveraged day trading the up's and downs of it were close to the rushes and pits of using and for me i found that having larger amounts meant i just leveraged more until i lost my stakes.
These days i'm on auto pilot for investments buy , own 100% and forget . sober and sencible, no rushes just consistent regular and pretty boring.
This year is focused on my health, again i think i need to be consitent and regular alas i find it pretty boring although i have noticed i do feel happier over the longer term doing things like eating well and excersising reguarly .
For the moment it is consisting of trying to eat veggie more often and monitoring my steps in the last 3 weeks and coming up with a plan to increase them .
300 has been my minimum and 8000 the top end . so i'm going to aim for a minimum of 5000 per day. moderate and reasonable to start with after my few weeks of monitoring.
it will probably be a bit boring and dull but it seems to work ...
I hope you get on with "it" whatever you define "it" being.
do the same old , get the same old ... bleugh ! unfortunately but there we go ..
In the fight, fighting along side ya ,
m
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,211
Great posts here!
I found my best motivation back when I had a co-worker that I worked out with. We would give each other that kick in the pants to get to the gym when either one of us (usually me lol) didn't feel like going.
I no longer have that in my retired life, but I have been getting out for daily walks with the dog for the last month or so. It is doing both of us a world of good. I've also been logging in on an online food tracking program and I find that helps keep me more aware of what I'm eating and less likely to cheat. It's like coming here for accountability. And finally I am wearing a fitness bracelet to see how active I am or not. With this combination of things I am feeling fitter and my mood is pretty good.
I found my best motivation back when I had a co-worker that I worked out with. We would give each other that kick in the pants to get to the gym when either one of us (usually me lol) didn't feel like going.
I no longer have that in my retired life, but I have been getting out for daily walks with the dog for the last month or so. It is doing both of us a world of good. I've also been logging in on an online food tracking program and I find that helps keep me more aware of what I'm eating and less likely to cheat. It's like coming here for accountability. And finally I am wearing a fitness bracelet to see how active I am or not. With this combination of things I am feeling fitter and my mood is pretty good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Johns Hopkins Medicine, based in Baltimore, Maryland › Health › Healthy Aging › Healthy Body
This is just one of many discussions on the gut/brain connection.
This is just one of many discussions on the gut/brain connection.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Yup. Totally relate. What I do know having been down this road before is that for me it certainly has a LOT to do with the time of year in the North for me. The lack of warmth and sun really gets to me. The skies are, however, starting to show little teeny tiny patches of blue so I'm hoping they will get bigger as the day goes on. Sun really makes such a difference in my mood. I'm also bugging out this year during my break from school/work to the Gulf of Mexico. I'm going to plant myself by the ocean and rejuvenate. In the meantime, I will stick close to SR and be more mindful about taking care of myself.
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