BrendaChenowyth

I'm so fed up with not caring about anything. I got a new job that I don't care about, I went back to school and I don't want to be there, I'm meeting new people and I don't like any of them, I have tried to start new hobbies and nothing holds my interest. I don't want to drink, I wish my biggest problem was quitting drinking. I don't know what to do with myself any more. I get so angry when I have to get out of bed in the morning, no matter where I am going I don't want to be there. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't care about anything. What the hell am I supposed to do to fix this?

Algorithm

Have you considered a psychiatric consult for depression? You can't drink on AD meds, or things will get bad fast, though.

Opivotal

Brenda, why not talk to your Doctor about how you're feeling?

Sounds like depression to me.

Maudcat

Not a physician, Brenda, but it sounds a bit like depression or maybe seasonal affective disorder? You're in the medical field, right? What do you think?

MLD51

My thoughts exactly. Sounds like depression, at least it sounds similar to how I was when I was severely depressed a few years ago. I got help. It's better now - I still have bad days, but on the whole things are much better. It's worth a try.

ReadyAtLast

I also think seeing your doctor is a good idea.

Della1968

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia

Hawkeye13

You most likely don't want to hear this, but sometimes it just takes accumulating sober time.

The drinking was a coping mechanism for many of us which helped us avoid dealing / feeling deep-seated issues.

Some so deep we may not even be consciously aware of them.

One certain thing is that drinking again will not help with long-term recovery.

Only time and hard work do that.
A course of intensive therapy may jump start this, but to work,
engaging at a deep and honest level usually has to happen.

That means for most: tears, discomfort, feeling really tough feelings fully
so you can let them go.

Numbness & feeling "dead inside" is one way I still deal with feelings now that I'm sober.
Getting past that has been hard, and still is quite honestly.

It has been like peeling an onion for me.
What I could process / let go before a year of sobriety was one layer.

Then I felt better for awhile until more feelings I had pushed away came up.
It's an on-going process for many of us that can take years if the wounds are deep.

Typically, we alcoholics aren't particularly patient with feeling feelings anyway.
That's why we drank.

You are still fairly early in sobriety, so lots of stuff is likely bubbling up making
it hard to feel / care about anything.
Talking to your doctor about this would be a good initial step.

It will get better, and what you are feeling is not unusual.
Wishing you the Brenda--hang in there.

BrendaChenowyth

I debated mentioning that psychiatric drugs are not something I am interested in. Right now my stand on that is If I am going to take a chemical substance to make my feelings go away, I might as well go back to drinking alcohol, since that's exactly what it did.

2ndhandrose

My first year sober was a tough one, not because I wanted to drink, but because I felt like crap all the time.

Depression was near constant.

I am now on an anti-depressant (that my doctor had to convince me to try) and I am feeling "normal" for the first time since I don't know when. I am so glad I gave it a chance.

2ndhandrose

cross posting.

Then I would second what hawkeye posted.

Hawkeye13

What about the intensive therapy I suggested above?

By the way, "I might as well go back to drinking" is exactly what your AV would like to see happen.

It pounces when you feel weak, angry, or depressed.

BrendaChenowyth

Once I can figure out how to get my health insurance back.. and find a doctor who can see me... and sit through the nightmare of intake, being asked a million "have you ever been.." questions... followed by "Wow, that's a lot, I don't really know what to say, that's not really my area, I want to refer you to our physician, I think medication will help you..." It makes me want to cry just thinking about.

And refusing medication is always seen as non-compliance or not being willing to do what it takes to get help. I have tried medications that made me a big fat zombie that can't hold down a job.. the last one led to 3 suicide attempts.. so.. not super stoked to try another one..

graciepearl

Hang in there Brenda I have always enjoyed your posts and they have helped me immensely. What you share here at SR matters and I appreciate you.

graciepearl

Also I don't know where you live or if you attend church but I was trained as a Stephen Minister through my church and its a nationwide program they can be a great sense of support and there is no charge it may help fill the gap until your insurance situation resolves.

BrendaChenowyth

I think I have tried five different medications over the years and experienced a range of results.. They either made my depression much worse obviously or they made me deliriously happy, in which case, there was no problem, no desire to whine or work out my issues, everything was great. So I don't want to go either way with it, I don't want to want to kill myself and I don't want to be happy because I'm taking a pill. I want to be happy because I'm happy.

BrendaChenowyth

I'm not even concerned with being happy, I just want to have the desire to get out of bed in the morning. I want to be excited about creating my future. If not excited, at least INTERESTED at ALL. I could cry...

Grymt

Somehow I lost my Joie de Vivre in my late 20's. Therapy, in my case Primal Therapy and Vipassana Meditation as well as a trust that 'this will also pass', led to rediscovering it in my early thirties.

I wouldn't rule out medication but the fact you are posting here indicates there is a part of you that cares.

Behappy1

I'm with you on the meds. Have you thought about looking into holistically supplementing for depression?? I am still researching/experimenting with finding the right one for myself.

ScottFromWI

There are ways to deal with depression and anxiety that don't involve drugs. Therapy is not tremendously expensive either, and many clinics have sliding scale fees. This isn't something that's just going to "get better".