Never Again
Maria
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Central CA
Posts: 16
Never Again
Hello All,
I have been registered with another sobriety site for some time now, finally posted in the fall when I had a decent stint of sobriety, had read the books, the beginner's packet, thousands of posts, attended a few chats. I made sobriety promoting plans for the day a few time, pledged sober days here and there. It was my first go around opening up and trying to commit, and as much as I knew in my heart I was ready and needed to quit, I obviously wasn't ready. Denial.
I am testimony that this problem is progressive and aims to ultimately kill. I consider myself "high functioning" in that I maintain a household, am a successful professional (educator/therapist) who loves my job, am the primary breadwinner for a family of four and have two grounded teens doing very well socially/educationally/emotionally in spite of a long(10+ year) history of my evening over-intake.
Why did I drink? I am in the process of figuring this out. I reread Jason Vale, Allan Carr, Mrs. G. among others over the past few days..I rewatched several documentaries including My Name is Bette and Lipstick and Alcohol (quite insightful, all of these)...Insecurity? Likely. Boredom or habit? I figured this is very plausible. Childhood pain with history of subtle neglect/criticism from Mom all my life? Probably contributed. Lack of willingness/comfort/ability to experience uncomfortable feelings? I think I am getting somewhere now...much more reflection and digging deep to come.
In Novemberish/Dec. I dabbled with involving myself in working through the process to become sober-- I was going through the motions as best I knew how. I thought I knew what I was supposed to do and shallowly/selectively went through the process "my way". I guess I wasn't ready to jump in fully. I examined tools and read statement/steps, but superficially and without making much of an effort to personalize them fully. I didn't "have time" to journal or reflect, didn't meditate (still haven't-this is a future step-gotta figure how to do this). Final outcome: failure. I got caught up in other priorities (work primarily) and slowly regressed. To what? worse than ever drinking as late afternoon/evening fell.
I ended up pulling a doozy after an early evening of drinking (alone at home) resulting in a compound injury to my ankle requiring realignment, plates screws, etc. Emergency Room. 4 day hospitalization. And now 2 weeks off work (!!!). This began 11 days ago.
In the hospital I was given IV antibiotics for my foot due. I was also given IV fluids to ensure my body detoxed completely and safely. How do I feel about this? Ashamed, guilty, yes, of course.
But: I also feel blessed. Grateful. And ready. I have been given another chance. I am alive and my foot is still attached to my leg (we thought I might lose it). So this is my opportunity. My body is physically free from the alcohol now. I have 2 weeks off work to mend physically (foot) and to take advantage of time to start the process in earnest to heal mentally/emotionally and to begin to make the changes I need make sure that I never ever end up in such a situation again as a result of putting the poison into my body.
My plan, for now, is this: I will not drink. I will read and post on varied sites I have appreciated visiting and culling info from. I will participate in online chats/meetings if they are available. I will keep reading and viewing resources related alcoholism. I will journal every day. I accept that I have a life threatening problem. I accept responsibility for my actions. I will focus on moving forward and letting the past go.
I am sincerely committed to never ever drinking again. I appreciate being able to post this here as a newcomer and to receive your understanding and support.
Thank you,
Maria
I have been registered with another sobriety site for some time now, finally posted in the fall when I had a decent stint of sobriety, had read the books, the beginner's packet, thousands of posts, attended a few chats. I made sobriety promoting plans for the day a few time, pledged sober days here and there. It was my first go around opening up and trying to commit, and as much as I knew in my heart I was ready and needed to quit, I obviously wasn't ready. Denial.
I am testimony that this problem is progressive and aims to ultimately kill. I consider myself "high functioning" in that I maintain a household, am a successful professional (educator/therapist) who loves my job, am the primary breadwinner for a family of four and have two grounded teens doing very well socially/educationally/emotionally in spite of a long(10+ year) history of my evening over-intake.
Why did I drink? I am in the process of figuring this out. I reread Jason Vale, Allan Carr, Mrs. G. among others over the past few days..I rewatched several documentaries including My Name is Bette and Lipstick and Alcohol (quite insightful, all of these)...Insecurity? Likely. Boredom or habit? I figured this is very plausible. Childhood pain with history of subtle neglect/criticism from Mom all my life? Probably contributed. Lack of willingness/comfort/ability to experience uncomfortable feelings? I think I am getting somewhere now...much more reflection and digging deep to come.
In Novemberish/Dec. I dabbled with involving myself in working through the process to become sober-- I was going through the motions as best I knew how. I thought I knew what I was supposed to do and shallowly/selectively went through the process "my way". I guess I wasn't ready to jump in fully. I examined tools and read statement/steps, but superficially and without making much of an effort to personalize them fully. I didn't "have time" to journal or reflect, didn't meditate (still haven't-this is a future step-gotta figure how to do this). Final outcome: failure. I got caught up in other priorities (work primarily) and slowly regressed. To what? worse than ever drinking as late afternoon/evening fell.
I ended up pulling a doozy after an early evening of drinking (alone at home) resulting in a compound injury to my ankle requiring realignment, plates screws, etc. Emergency Room. 4 day hospitalization. And now 2 weeks off work (!!!). This began 11 days ago.
In the hospital I was given IV antibiotics for my foot due. I was also given IV fluids to ensure my body detoxed completely and safely. How do I feel about this? Ashamed, guilty, yes, of course.
But: I also feel blessed. Grateful. And ready. I have been given another chance. I am alive and my foot is still attached to my leg (we thought I might lose it). So this is my opportunity. My body is physically free from the alcohol now. I have 2 weeks off work to mend physically (foot) and to take advantage of time to start the process in earnest to heal mentally/emotionally and to begin to make the changes I need make sure that I never ever end up in such a situation again as a result of putting the poison into my body.
My plan, for now, is this: I will not drink. I will read and post on varied sites I have appreciated visiting and culling info from. I will participate in online chats/meetings if they are available. I will keep reading and viewing resources related alcoholism. I will journal every day. I accept that I have a life threatening problem. I accept responsibility for my actions. I will focus on moving forward and letting the past go.
I am sincerely committed to never ever drinking again. I appreciate being able to post this here as a newcomer and to receive your understanding and support.
Thank you,
Maria
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome to the site, mariathebird. 
Just don't pick up a drink, the rest will work itself out. I've read on this site, "If your house is on fire you don't stand in the middle of the room and try to figure out how this could have happened, you get out of the house."
Just don't drink. No matter what.
Just don't pick up a drink, the rest will work itself out. I've read on this site, "If your house is on fire you don't stand in the middle of the room and try to figure out how this could have happened, you get out of the house."
Just don't drink. No matter what.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
HI Maria, welcome to SR. I am sorry to hear what happened to you, but glad it may provide you the necessary motivation to make quitting permanent. I also injured myself quite severely while drunk and it forced me to finally quit drinking.
I hope you'll take advantage of the support here to help your sobriety. Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Sometimes it takes something big to open our eyes and force us to break through the bubble of denial we build around ourselves. From reading your post, it is obvious that you know what you need to do, the only thing holding you back is yourself. Journaling has been a HUGE tool for me, being able to look back and read exactly how I felt physically and emotionally made it so I could not look back and lie to myself about how bad things were or how hard it was to get to the point I am at now.
The biggest thing in recovery is to NEVER give up on yourself. It might get hard and you might feel like giving up, but create a recovery plan, create a circle/ network of family and friends you can contact or get together with if you are struggling or just need to get out of your own head. The more we plan for the future the more equipped we are to handle any situation.
You can do this! Keep working on yourself and slowly but surely you will start to resect yourself and refuse to go back ever again.
Keep posting and reaching out for help! When we stop reaching out then it is time to start to worrying about our recovery.
The biggest thing in recovery is to NEVER give up on yourself. It might get hard and you might feel like giving up, but create a recovery plan, create a circle/ network of family and friends you can contact or get together with if you are struggling or just need to get out of your own head. The more we plan for the future the more equipped we are to handle any situation.
You can do this! Keep working on yourself and slowly but surely you will start to resect yourself and refuse to go back ever again.
Keep posting and reaching out for help! When we stop reaching out then it is time to start to worrying about our recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
And welcome from me too. Early days for me as well - three and a half weeks. My background sounds similar to yours and I am prone to analysis and dealing with life from an intellectual angle. I think it is worth the trouble (been reading a lot about dopamine and addiction of late). But in the end it doesn't matter how we got here, it is a matter of what we do to get out. That is my conclusion anyway for what it is worth from someone so recently sober.
All the best in your efforts.
One more point maybe - your plan does not appear to include peer support. Personally I go to AA (and have to suspend some of my critical faculties to do so!), but I know I would struggle without other people around for support. Just wondering if you have thought about AA, SMART or something similar.
P.S. Re-reading your post - you may be interested to know SMART hold online meetings.
All the best in your efforts.
One more point maybe - your plan does not appear to include peer support. Personally I go to AA (and have to suspend some of my critical faculties to do so!), but I know I would struggle without other people around for support. Just wondering if you have thought about AA, SMART or something similar.
P.S. Re-reading your post - you may be interested to know SMART hold online meetings.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi and welcome! I'm glad you are mending. You mentioned that alcoholism is progressive....it is huh? And those injuries? Can and will get worse. I know multiple people that have had TBI's. Its no joke. And I've had plenty of my own injuries and have only been lucky they weren't worse.
In Novemberish/Dec. I dabbled with involving myself in working through the process to become sober-- I was going through the motions as best I knew how. I thought I knew what I was supposed to do and shallowly/selectively went through the process "my way". I guess I wasn't ready to jump in fully. I examined tools and read statement/steps, but superficially and without making much of an effort to personalize them fully. I didn't "have time" to journal or reflect, didn't meditate (still haven't-this is a future step-gotta figure how to do this). Final outcome: failure. I got caught up in other priorities (work primarily) and slowly regressed. To what? worse than ever drinking as late afternoon/evening fell.
This paragraph is very important. The part about doing it 'my way'. Yeah. That's always been where I went wrong....and that's not a subtle thing...its huge. My way usually ends up involving drinking. I had to do it 'the' way which for me is AA.
Post and read. There's lots of support here.
In Novemberish/Dec. I dabbled with involving myself in working through the process to become sober-- I was going through the motions as best I knew how. I thought I knew what I was supposed to do and shallowly/selectively went through the process "my way". I guess I wasn't ready to jump in fully. I examined tools and read statement/steps, but superficially and without making much of an effort to personalize them fully. I didn't "have time" to journal or reflect, didn't meditate (still haven't-this is a future step-gotta figure how to do this). Final outcome: failure. I got caught up in other priorities (work primarily) and slowly regressed. To what? worse than ever drinking as late afternoon/evening fell.
This paragraph is very important. The part about doing it 'my way'. Yeah. That's always been where I went wrong....and that's not a subtle thing...its huge. My way usually ends up involving drinking. I had to do it 'the' way which for me is AA.
Post and read. There's lots of support here.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I think that there is no one-size-fits all when it comes to being sober. I have dabbled in a lot of the higher-level stuff...statements, meditating (did not last long), chats, etc., but at heart, I'm a pragmatist and a zero-fluff person.
So I researched the biochemistry of alcohol addiction and the societal and corporate influences that promote alcohol abuse. In the end, for me, I need to keep it simple: I was physically and psychologically addicted to alcohol because that's what it does to some people and the answer is to not drink alcohol.
I also spend a fair amount of time here, because no matter how unique and complex my addiction wants to pretend it is, the fact is that alcohol addicts all have pretty much the same rationalizations, the same experiences, and the same challenges when we are getting sober. No matter what I'm feeling or dealing with, there are at least three people here on any given day dealing with the same thing. I am now on day 401.
Point is, for some people keeping it simple is the better way. Only you know what will work best for you.
Welcome!
So I researched the biochemistry of alcohol addiction and the societal and corporate influences that promote alcohol abuse. In the end, for me, I need to keep it simple: I was physically and psychologically addicted to alcohol because that's what it does to some people and the answer is to not drink alcohol.
I also spend a fair amount of time here, because no matter how unique and complex my addiction wants to pretend it is, the fact is that alcohol addicts all have pretty much the same rationalizations, the same experiences, and the same challenges when we are getting sober. No matter what I'm feeling or dealing with, there are at least three people here on any given day dealing with the same thing. I am now on day 401.
Point is, for some people keeping it simple is the better way. Only you know what will work best for you.
Welcome!
Maria
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Central CA
Posts: 16
Thanks for all the the support and diverse replies. I am committed alright. No more drinking. Ever. I have another week of being on leave, in a "cocoon" and then back to work, but when I go back it is going to be with a totally different approach and mindset for priorities-I am so confident about this for the first time ever. I appreciate the comment about pragmatics..keeping it simple.it may just be okay not to burden self with trying to meditate (yet) and I don't need to be required to journal every day...these are all tools that may support me and that's that. I am keeping my mind open however, and am jumping in 100%. I am open to face to face meeting but have not done well with the AAs I have attended in my area...no other organizations appear to have face to facers so I ma going to rely on online forums, chats, blogs and meetings for now.
So appreciative to have found this community.
Thank you again,
Maria
So appreciative to have found this community.
Thank you again,
Maria
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Happy to meet you, Maria! I'm very glad your foot will be alright - what a frightening accident you had. You sound determined to get and stay sober - we are with you - and we know you can do it.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Maria,
I was high functioning too until I nearly collapsed and almost crashed my car after not drinking for 9 days. It was a pancreas problem I think. I never saw a dr. I would have lost my job.
My body was shot. I'm 21 months clean and the more separation I have from my drinking days the more amazing I feel.
I choose not to regret my past drinking. It was how I rolled. Now I roll differently.
It is tough to quit intially, it is physical and mental. Then it becomes mental only. Mind over matter. It is the emotional mind vs the rational mind.
Don't believe the hype. Booze is poison.
Thanks.
I was high functioning too until I nearly collapsed and almost crashed my car after not drinking for 9 days. It was a pancreas problem I think. I never saw a dr. I would have lost my job.
My body was shot. I'm 21 months clean and the more separation I have from my drinking days the more amazing I feel.
I choose not to regret my past drinking. It was how I rolled. Now I roll differently.
It is tough to quit intially, it is physical and mental. Then it becomes mental only. Mind over matter. It is the emotional mind vs the rational mind.
Don't believe the hype. Booze is poison.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome Maria! I am glad you are home and healing both physically, and mentally.
This is a wonderful site, and it has been the biggest part of my recovery plan. I read and post here daily, and I have met lots of amazing people on here. It really is like a virtual family.
Two threads you might be interested in are the 24 hour thread, which is under the Newcomers Daily Support threads, and the February of 2017 class, which is I. The Newcomers Thread.
Looking forward to seeing you on here!
This is a wonderful site, and it has been the biggest part of my recovery plan. I read and post here daily, and I have met lots of amazing people on here. It really is like a virtual family.
Two threads you might be interested in are the 24 hour thread, which is under the Newcomers Daily Support threads, and the February of 2017 class, which is I. The Newcomers Thread.
Looking forward to seeing you on here!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
MTB- you have my support. My understanding? I lived that- excepting it was a destroyed shoulder- which with 'further' complications nearly, very nearly ended up in my entire right arm being amputated. Please remember your post. That you have had a wake up call and a second chance. To do something about this- without 'complications'. Good for you and my prayers. PJ.
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