How much support do you get from your spouse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: San Pedro, CA
Posts: 18
How much support do you get from your spouse?
My wife and I are the classic addict & co-dependent combo.
I tend to think recovery is MY program and I need to do it all myself.
But as the leader of a step study I was going to said "we are all loners and that is how we got here."
I have been watching some talks on youtube about alcohol/addiction and some people actually say "I couldn't have done it without his/her help".
However I also know that only I can control me... on the other hand when my significant other is grumpy and ignoring me is is easy for me to get my feelings hurt... and when I hurt I want to run to medicate that pain.
I suppose everyone and every relationship is unique so maybe there is no right or wrong way...
I tend to think recovery is MY program and I need to do it all myself.
But as the leader of a step study I was going to said "we are all loners and that is how we got here."
I have been watching some talks on youtube about alcohol/addiction and some people actually say "I couldn't have done it without his/her help".
However I also know that only I can control me... on the other hand when my significant other is grumpy and ignoring me is is easy for me to get my feelings hurt... and when I hurt I want to run to medicate that pain.
I suppose everyone and every relationship is unique so maybe there is no right or wrong way...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
For years what my spouse gave me wasn't support, but rather a good butt chewing on a regular basis. Now that I've quit she's very supportive. At this point she really doesn't need to support me much because she knows I have changed and will never go back (knock on wood).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
I asked my husband if he'd stop drinking till I was over the hump. I quit at the beginning of summer and he'd have a cold beer after yard work and I'd drink wine, by the pool. Countless times I'd tell myself, no wine, but when he'd crack open a beer, I'd cave.
I know it was / is, MY problem, it just made things easier for me to not be triggered and not have alcohol in the house. He stopped drinking the next day and it'll be five years for both of us this June
I know it was / is, MY problem, it just made things easier for me to not be triggered and not have alcohol in the house. He stopped drinking the next day and it'll be five years for both of us this June
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
My wife (normie) removed her wine from the house after my last drunk. I was done and wouldn't have touched it anyway but, took some time before she believed that.
She is very supportive. A few times we have ended up at parties and when the drinking got heavy and I got bored we left early. She also supports my attendance at AA and church. Nice to be on the same page.
M-Bob
She is very supportive. A few times we have ended up at parties and when the drinking got heavy and I got bored we left early. She also supports my attendance at AA and church. Nice to be on the same page.
M-Bob
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Great story, Pondlady.
My wife was five years sober when I quit. She rarely gave me a hard time about drinking, but I hid the depth of my problem surprisingly well. Sometimes she would get annoyed when I was hungover.
Now the tables are kind of turned. I've embraced recovery, which she never has. I see the addiction hopping - she's glued to facebook and her phone - kind of a dry drunk, as they say. But she's supportive enough. Doesn't get in the way and let's me take my path...
My wife was five years sober when I quit. She rarely gave me a hard time about drinking, but I hid the depth of my problem surprisingly well. Sometimes she would get annoyed when I was hungover.
Now the tables are kind of turned. I've embraced recovery, which she never has. I see the addiction hopping - she's glued to facebook and her phone - kind of a dry drunk, as they say. But she's supportive enough. Doesn't get in the way and let's me take my path...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
My husband stopped drinking when I did. He didn't have a problem with alcohol; he just wanted to support my sobriety. I shall be forever grateful for that loving gesture. It's going on 4 years now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I got into a new relationship almost a year sober and then we married many months later, so I can't and won't claim "I couldn't have done it without his help". My husband is very supportive in every possible way I can think of and have experienced with him so far but does not force it upon me. This included a couple months of my nasty relapse, getting sober again, spending some time in rehab, struggling with psych meds and then eventually getting med-free and very content and happy in sobriety again. Also included a period of trying to have kids together and losing it twice, eventually accepting that it won't be part of our lives.
I am not the first addict in his life though..., sadly, his first wife many years ago died of a mixed psychostimulant/opiate addiction when they were both young. He self admittedly has some co-dependent tendencies, or at least had in the past, but he worked on that a lot long before he met me. He is also a psychologist and I am a researcher in the mental health field. So we both are very aware of the mechanisms and dynamic; plus I have a strong aversion to co-dependency and won't allow it... so it's not that I lean on him for improving my mental health or anything else apart from what the effects of a good relationship are. We are an interesting mix: I have tendencies to be a bit more independent for my own sake (=avoidant) and he used to have tendencies for anxious attachment... apparently a bad combination if the partners are not aware of the default mechanisms. But as I said we both had become very aware of these things quite young and worked on our relationship styles long before we met and what we have now (not young, he is in his mid-50's and I am early 40's) is a healthy, secure relationship of two people who have been through a lot and have understood a lot about life and partnership.
We maintain a somewhat unconventional relationship style (not going into that here but feel free to ask if interested) and give each-other a lot of space. He is also much more extroverted than I am and enjoys more socializing with his friends, plus has a large family of origin and I have nearly none left at this point, but he does not drag me into his own social and family life when I don't want it. He is a normal drinker (on the low side) and enjoys it with his peers occasionally, also keeps some alcohol in our home but in his own room (we maintain some separate spaces within the shared home) and does his best not to leave booze or even alcohol glasses around the house. We do have some dinner parties with friends sometimes where alcohol is served, but quite rarely.
He came with me to several recovery meetings after my relapse but I don't want him to be preoccupied with my addiction so I do my recovery stuff independently now.
All-in-all, I feel extremely lucky in this relationship, but probably it wasn't luck... more a good choice. It is also my own choice how I manage and maintain my sobriety and what sort of external help I seek, if needed.
I am not the first addict in his life though..., sadly, his first wife many years ago died of a mixed psychostimulant/opiate addiction when they were both young. He self admittedly has some co-dependent tendencies, or at least had in the past, but he worked on that a lot long before he met me. He is also a psychologist and I am a researcher in the mental health field. So we both are very aware of the mechanisms and dynamic; plus I have a strong aversion to co-dependency and won't allow it... so it's not that I lean on him for improving my mental health or anything else apart from what the effects of a good relationship are. We are an interesting mix: I have tendencies to be a bit more independent for my own sake (=avoidant) and he used to have tendencies for anxious attachment... apparently a bad combination if the partners are not aware of the default mechanisms. But as I said we both had become very aware of these things quite young and worked on our relationship styles long before we met and what we have now (not young, he is in his mid-50's and I am early 40's) is a healthy, secure relationship of two people who have been through a lot and have understood a lot about life and partnership.
We maintain a somewhat unconventional relationship style (not going into that here but feel free to ask if interested) and give each-other a lot of space. He is also much more extroverted than I am and enjoys more socializing with his friends, plus has a large family of origin and I have nearly none left at this point, but he does not drag me into his own social and family life when I don't want it. He is a normal drinker (on the low side) and enjoys it with his peers occasionally, also keeps some alcohol in our home but in his own room (we maintain some separate spaces within the shared home) and does his best not to leave booze or even alcohol glasses around the house. We do have some dinner parties with friends sometimes where alcohol is served, but quite rarely.
He came with me to several recovery meetings after my relapse but I don't want him to be preoccupied with my addiction so I do my recovery stuff independently now.
All-in-all, I feel extremely lucky in this relationship, but probably it wasn't luck... more a good choice. It is also my own choice how I manage and maintain my sobriety and what sort of external help I seek, if needed.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I think many of us look for support from those closest, but rarely is it the most helpful as those that are not drunks/addicts themselves, simply don't understand the hell that it is, even if they are trying to help.
Most find the best support system is from others in their situation like AA, an addiction specialist, or even online forums like this one.
Most find the best support system is from others in their situation like AA, an addiction specialist, or even online forums like this one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: San Pedro, CA
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by thomas11 
For years what my spouse gave me wasn't support, but rather a good butt chewing on a regular basis. Now that I've quit she's very supportive. At this point she really doesn't need to support me much because she knows I have changed and will never go back (knock on wood).
She doesn't have a drinking problem, and we have gone through the dumping all the booze down the drain (I even did that before I met her once). I actually feel bad that she has cut out drinking for me... though she does keep a few small bottles of pink bubbly wine in the fridge (she knows I hate that stuff and therefor won't tough it
)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
My husband and I used to drink together in the evenings, although my consumption was getting progressively worse over time, and his stayed pretty much the same.
He was supportive of my choice to stop drinking, although at first I think he was waiting for me to start again, which had happened in the past. I now have one year and one month sober, and his drinking at night doesn't bother me. However, the smell of alcohol on him does not make me want to be intimate with him after he has been drinking. (Probably too much information there)
He was supportive of my choice to stop drinking, although at first I think he was waiting for me to start again, which had happened in the past. I now have one year and one month sober, and his drinking at night doesn't bother me. However, the smell of alcohol on him does not make me want to be intimate with him after he has been drinking. (Probably too much information there)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by scottmandue
However I also know that only I can control me... on the other hand when my significant other is grumpy and ignoring me is is easy for me to get my feelings hurt... and when I hurt I want to run to medicate that pain.
I found when I was drinking I was so guilty and ashamed of the way that I was behaving that I would take on everything. I'd assume that her mood was because of me, every single time.
I'm sure part of the time it was, but there's plenty of times that wasn't the case. Now I'm sober I find it hard to untangle that mess, I intuitively feel like I am at fault for things even though I am not involved in the slightest.
On the positive side, I don't have to feel that guilt and remorse any more. I had to learn to try and hand over the other stuff to my higher power. Even had to call her on her behaviour a few times when it's been out of line. That was totally new for me, I was always just sucking up what was coming and drinking the pain away.
My partner is mostly very supportive. There are struggles at times when the meeting schedule overlaps with the life schedule and I've had to put my foot down about that regardless of how insanely uncomfortable it makes me feel.
She's also given me a lot of positive feedback about how my sobriety has changed me. Stuff that I wouldn't notice myself. It's been great to have someone independent to see the changes from the outside and it always feels good to get a compliment
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